another fleas?and visit to extended FOO

[Guest guest]

Hi Grace (and all)

Again, thank you for the long post. So much to think about. Don't blame

yourself for being in denial about PTSD. I didn't understand this had a name

until about two years ago, and only in the last few weeks did I understand how

it feels to have PTSD (I was able to get it at a real level instead of just an

idea) . Although for years in high school, I talked to the school counselor,

and I remember complaining about my " anger " and my " Anger Issues " , she never

said " PTSD " ; she would just tell me to get in touch with my hurt... I don't

think many people really realize what PTSD looks like. Over all the years, hte

many friends who have abandoned me because i would have a PTSD attack... people

have no understanding for this...

Until now, where I have a name for it. So, yes, I would isolate myself like

you did, but it'snot our fault. It's just that PTSD is not really understood,

adn I had no idea I had it!

Anyway, what you say about giving love to yourself, even holding a teddy bear

--lol! Thanks, such good advice. I remembered so many really scary things I

went through as a child, and I never remember even getting a hug. Sometimes it

amazes me to watch my friends parent their children, and how easily they hug and

look with caring eyes at their children, especially after some upset on the part

of the child....

I wont be on here in the next week or so, I'm taking a little vacation.

Actualy, visiting some of the extended FOO. Nada's relatives, who live really

far away. I defintely don't think I'll see nada, but I am petrified of saying

something about the life I live now, and nada triangulating to cause me probs or

drama... One thing about my NC ,and with my managing PTSD is that I am a

control freak. I try to control what I tell to whom, for fear of what could

possibly get back to nada, etc. With PTSD, the whole thing about diet and

exercise has been suggested to me many times by well-meaning people who have no

idea about PTSD and just think I have severe mood swings. I have obsessively

controlled my diet, my exercise, me sleep, and then when it didn't work, blamed

myself and hated myself for days and weeks after an episode of PTSD... Still

wrapping my mind around that this is not something to control, but perhaps

something to work within and heal from... Maybe, just

maybe I don't have to control everything.... This vacation, I'll watch what I

say and tell them about my new and safe life... but also, I want to test the

boundaries I have put on myself out of fear of nada. Maybe she really won't

touch me anymore? Maybe I have protection in place as an adult? I hope I don't

put myself in her line of fire. I am aware that anything I tell these relatives

could get back to nada, but also, I need to connect with my extended family, as

well. I have so few people in my life that knew me as a child....

Take care and hopefully we can resume correspondence in a week or so...

WAlking TO

From you friend

" WALKING TO HAPPINESS " .

May we all walk towards happiness...