Malinda --->Re: 3 year old anger ... Nada tears .. ugh

[Guest guest]

I am not my nada.

I am not my nada.

I am not my nada.

I could keep typing for 20 pages and I will do so bc I need to believe that

through and through.  She's just so damn delusional it's hard to remember that

*I'm* the sane one.  I feel like an alien on her planet.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Thursday, December 25, 2008 8:11:06 PM

Subject: Re: 3 year old anger ... Nada tears .. ugh

,

Say it 300 times if you have too- YOU are not your nada. The fact

that you see nada is impaired- and you are working hard at not being

like her- means you are not nada.

Nada's are all-knowing, rarely question any of their decisions or

choices. You are questioning your reactions and behaviors to your

children- nada's don't even care, it is all about them.

I know you were upset with your daughter- but she showed some

empathy and remorse to you- that is a good thing.

Your children know and feel your love and you are working on being

in balance with them- so agree with what Katrina said, don't read too

much into this. You are a very loving woman- and your children will

reflect that.

I do understand- though. Yesterday in admist of the chaos of

getting ready for Christmas's Eve dinner- and still not feeling well-

and I felt like my daughter was being a little unreasonable. I get

those moments- when I remember how nada raged at me- and yes-I think

just let her know what you are feeling, but then I stop and say I am

better then nada. I remain calm, and try to rise above what was done

to me. I just can't and won't hurt my daughter like that- and neither

are you doing that!

Nada no longer defines you- you define you- and Thank God for that!

Many blessings,

Malindab

In WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com, Katrina <kk1raven@.. .> wrote:

>

> Please don't read too much into this. If she started crying when

> she realized she hurt you, that doesn't sound like she was

> really full of anger or like she hates you. Sometimes kids that

> age hit because they don't know any better and/or they don't

> realize that it really hurts. They're experimenting with ways of

> getting attention and ways of getting what they want. They can't

> always articulate why they did what they did because they really

> can't define if to themselves let alone you. I don't have any

> children myself but I have a sister who is twenty years younger

> than me who I spent a lot of time with when she was a child and

> I've seen plenty of other people's children and the way they

> act. I've seen young children hit their parents without any

> reason that they could define plenty of times. Unless it becomes

> a pattern, it doesn't sound like something to be concerned with

> or to make a big fuss over.

>

> You aren't likely to successfully raise your children without

> having them get mad at you. Being mad is a normal response for a

> child who is not getting what she wants. It isn't exactly

> unusual in adults who don't get what they want either. Your

> daughter isn't going to end up hating you because she got mad

> when she was three. She is at an age when she is learning about

> emotions and how people interact. I'd worry more if she never

> got mad at you because children should be learning the normal

> range of emotions and how to handle them. Remember, your own

> experiences with being allowed to show emotions your emotions as

> a child are possibly skewing your perception of what is normal.

>

> Please, please, please don't compare the way you feel to the way

> your nada feels. Part of being a nada is NOT feeling the normal

> emotions for the normal reasons. You feel hurt because you don't

> want your daughter to be mad at you because you're concerned for

> her. Your nada's feelings are almost certainly for herself and

> what she wants, not for you. She isn't upset with your lack of

> contact because she thinks it is a problem for you. She's upset

> because she wants to be the center of your world and thinks

> she's not getting what is her due. Those are very different

> feelings from how you describe your own feelings here.

>

> At 06:45 PM 12/25/2008 SDM wrote:

> >I mentioned in an earlier post what happened with my 3 year old

> >this morning and I realize I'm really upset about it.

> >

> >Basically if you didn't already see it, I was opening a gift

> >from my hubby and my 3 year old was behind me. The next thing

> >I know I get a closed fist right in the small of my back and

> >she hit really hard for her size! I immediately turned to her,

> >realized she did it on purpose bc she grimaced at me and I just

> >burst into tears. Then she realized she had hurt me and she

> >burst into tears claiming it was an accident and wouldn't tell

> >me why she did it.

> >

> >She is the very sensative and emotional child. She is very

> >outgoing and is the child whose middle name is nada's first

> >name. My oldest daughter is wonderful, loving and

> >appreciative. My youngest is fairly disrespectful when she

> >wants to be, very stubborn and entirely ungrateful when it

> >comes to presents aside from being reminded to say thank

> >you. She's a great little girl, please don't misunderstand,

> >but she's the polar opposite of her sister. Now I go out of my

> >way to ensure that she isn't treated like the 'bad girl'. I

> >reinforce positive behavoir etc and normally she's wonderful,

> >but for some reason when presents come out she is so

> >cranky. She's also the one who took the brunt of nada's abuse

> >a year ago. I was so heart broken ...

> >

> >Anyways I feel at a loss. I felt nada's words come flooding

> >back to me and I just sat there and sobbed - I couldn't help

> >it. I held her in my arms and hugged her tight asking her why

> >and telling her i loved her - I didn't know what else to do. I

> >don't know what I did to make her so angry in that instant - or

> >if it was me at all - she was cranky this morning. She put

> >herself down for a nap 45 minutes later which is RARE for her.

> >

> >She's very strong willed, amazingly creative and a great little

> >girl. She is challenging - I admit it, but I love her

> >intensely all the same. I also ensure that my oldest doesn't

> >get ignored or anything when dealing with her little sister.

> >

> >I just don't want to ever be the 'nada' to my children. Having

> >them mad at me just breaks my heart. That's what really

> >hurt. Any other moms out there have some advice? What did I

> >do? How can I ensure that my children won't hate me? I guess

> >that's the question for the ages. ...

> >

> >I love them so much and protect them and nurture them ..

> >everything my nada didn't do - and yet here I am kicking myself

> >for how my poor nada must feel since I have rejected her again

> >and again. So I wrote her that email -

> >Sorry I didn't put this all together earlier. I just feel

> >heart broken and I hate Xmas bc it has nothing but horrible

> >memories for me.

> >

> >Thanks for reading/listening - sorry so long

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >