Bad dreams

[Guest guest]

As I'm re-reading UTBM (understanding the borderline mother) other

snippits crop up that help me where I am right now in life, and would

just like to share

I have constant bad dreams that my husband will ultimately betray me

with another woman, and in the dreams its always that he is

emotionally indifferent to what he has done, seemingly uncaring about

my feelings and shrugs it off. When I wake and tell him about these

dreams (I choose when to share them as it upsets him so) he thinks I

don't trust him and gets frustrated and upset that I have such bad

dreams about him. Finally, after all these years something in this

UTBM has helped me process this problem

Pg.139: " When young children are deliberately hurt by their mothers,

their first instinct is to repress recognition of their mothers as the

source of their pain. A toddler whos mother slapped him across the

face looked at his mother and exclaimed, " somebody hit me " The young

child needs to preserve the image of mother as good in order to

survive psychologically. The child concludes, therefore, that he

deserved to be hurt. Physical, sexual, or verbal abuse delivers the

message " you are bad " quite clearly and convincingly to a child.

Children who are victims of chronic abuse may eventually confuse love

with hate. " " Such a child expects to be hurt by the person he loves "

Obviously this snippet was referring to a male but I think in my case

it also applies. I think sub-conciously I expect my husband to do the

ultimate betrayal. Also my nada insisted all my life that men are bad

and they ultimately hurt us. That she was often cheated upon, by my

father, husband 2, husband 3 etc....(shes on her 4th marriage!) And

even though I spoke to my father a few years ago about this, he said

that SHE was the one that cheated on him! funny how the truth is

turned in her favour to be the victim. Logically it shows that she was

the one to f*** up the relationship, because my father has been

married to the same woman for 21 years since leaving my nada, and my

nada has constantly been in and out of relationships since I can

remember. Long & short term marriages etc.

*sigh* just thought I would share, to see if anyone else has similar

abandonment/love-hate issues in their intimate relationships?

Ange

x

[Guest guest]

It took me a lot of years to realize that when someone beat me or verbally

assaulted me, I didn't deserve it, specifically my significant other.  I caught

an ex cheating on me, walking in on them, I spoke first, slapped him for lying

to me deadpan in the face and he proceeded to pull hair from my head as he

kicked me in the head, giving me a concussion and pounded me with his fists.  He

blamed me for the entire incident, including the cheating and violence and I

apologized for weeks.  I stayed for another year and a half.  I figured being

cheated on, being snarled at, being ripped down was part of love.  It had to be

.... being neglected and ripped apart was all my parents ever did - why in the

hell would I expect anything different?

So I completely agree with the theory you mentioned.  I think it's entirely

plausible to expect the worst when it's primarily what you have dealt with.  I

have come a long way and recognized now that unconditional love is what is real

- but I had to face major fears with my husband and I treated him very badly

when we first started dating.  I put him through the ultimate tests of his

resolve to be with me.  I wanted to be sure - on every level, that he knew what

he was getting - what I felt was a horrible, nasty, terrible and worthless

person.  He was so wonderful, how could I possibly deserve that? 

But I realized that total honesty with my fears, myself and my husband was the

only true path I could take and I did it. 

My nada also re-lived her 'divorce' with my father for over 20 years - to this

day in fact - and even though she cheated, she blamed him for sleeping with

everyone in the small town they lived in - even my second grade teacher.  Nada's

are always the victim it seems.  And they are horrible, awful role models for

their daughters in the relationship department - poor boundaries, bad self

esteem, neglect, narcissism etc. etc. etc. ...

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Saturday, December 27, 2008 1:31:09 AM

Subject: Bad dreams

As I'm re-reading UTBM (understanding the borderline mother) other

snippits crop up that help me where I am right now in life, and would

just like to share

I have constant bad dreams that my husband will ultimately betray me

with another woman, and in the dreams its always that he is

emotionally indifferent to what he has done, seemingly uncaring about

my feelings and shrugs it off. When I wake and tell him about these

dreams (I choose when to share them as it upsets him so) he thinks I

don't trust him and gets frustrated and upset that I have such bad

dreams about him. Finally, after all these years something in this

UTBM has helped me process this problem

Pg.139: " When young children are deliberately hurt by their mothers,

their first instinct is to repress recognition of their mothers as the

source of their pain. A toddler whos mother slapped him across the

face looked at his mother and exclaimed, " somebody hit me " The young

child needs to preserve the image of mother as good in order to

survive psychologically. The child concludes, therefore, that he

deserved to be hurt. Physical, sexual, or verbal abuse delivers the

message " you are bad " quite clearly and convincingly to a child.

Children who are victims of chronic abuse may eventually confuse love

with hate. " " Such a child expects to be hurt by the person he loves "

Obviously this snippet was referring to a male but I think in my case

it also applies. I think sub-conciously I expect my husband to do the

ultimate betrayal. Also my nada insisted all my life that men are bad

and they ultimately hurt us. That she was often cheated upon, by my

father, husband 2, husband 3 etc....(shes on her 4th marriage!) And

even though I spoke to my father a few years ago about this, he said

that SHE was the one that cheated on him! funny how the truth is

turned in her favour to be the victim. Logically it shows that she was

the one to f*** up the relationship, because my father has been

married to the same woman for 21 years since leaving my nada, and my

nada has constantly been in and out of relationships since I can

remember. Long & short term marriages etc.

*sigh* just thought I would share, to see if anyone else has similar

abandonment/ love-hate issues in their intimate relationships?

Ange

x