Re: extreme nature of the control and manipulation

[Guest guest]

Well, shoot. I know you must feel disappointed. But, after all,

learning and growing are processes, not something that can be achieved

all at once.

It must be very hard to be alone in your family, with no one to take

your side and help you. I don't think I would have the strength you've

shown already, if I were standing up to my nada alone: I have my

Sister and we are a team.

I'm afraid that you are going to continue to be tortured by your

family until you are able to just " divorce " them emotionally, which

means stepping away from caring what they think about you. Until you

can do that, I believe you are just handing over all your power to

them to play with you, use you, push you away, reel you back in again,

etc.

Underneath all the plans and strategies, I think you still believe

that if you just do what the tell you to do well enough, they will

love you and esteem you, and that just does not sound like a realistic

outcome based on what you've written about them. They are mentally

ill, and they are users. We have to stop caring about what the crazy

people think about us.

-Annie

>

> I was feeling great - so much pride in myslef about how I had handled

> the last while.

>

> What I had managed to do was

> to say 'no' to nada

> not to show my reactions - e.g. get angry,

> spoke up for myself

> Avoided being scapegoated (I thought)

> got my npd sister to take on tiny responsibility - stood up to her

>

> Its only today I realised as per usual that I was totally played

> again. I realised it when I rang nada for a quick 'hello' to 'do my

> duty'. She was all happy with me and thanked me for looknig after

> her chemo care plan. ie. she had gotten exactly what she wanted and

> I had reinforced and rewarded her behaviour.

>

> I used the CBT situation analysis of thoughts, feelings, physical

> sensations, behaviours to look at it more closely

>

> They play me like a puppet and I have no control over my emotions and

> subsequent behaviours.

>

> Thoughts:

> I have to protect myself

> I have to stick up for myself

> I have to cover my ass with friends and relatives to avoid being

> scapegoated

> I have to defend myself against this enforced caretaking I am being

> bullied to do

> Shes mental

> I have no mother

> My npd father does nothing - makes a joke

> My npd father is going to take her moods now out of me - it will be

> my fault I have to protect myself

> Im bad

> Im getting out of here she's turning

> This is only going to get worse

> Shes blaming me for her attacking me

> Im not allowed to talk, feel,

> I dont exist

>

> Feelings:

> Devestated, crushed

> Hurt

> Angry?

> Scared

> feel trapped

> No air

> Unfairness

> Insignificant

> worthless

> nothing

>

> Physical Sensations:

> I cant breathe

> trapped energy - holding my feelings in

> I dont know what else - too much to feel/experience

> Have to escape

>

> Behaviours (mine)

> I leave

> Talk to my nfather to 'cover my ass' to not get scapegoated

> Call relatives and friends to 'cover my ass' express fake concern

> over my ndad and her behaviour

> Phone the next day to 'cover my ass' (she has turned on the phone -

> the witch has replaced the waif)

> NC for 3 daysv- lie and say Ive got interview far away

> Dont answer phone and text

>

>

> How the event effected me after the fact:

> depressed kinda comatose for 2 days - lifeless

> Couldnt cope with the whole thing

> No focus on my life - just felt dead, my life not my own

>

> How nada/npd father etc behaved after the event:

> Constant calls to mobile

> Triangulation - got my npd sister to text and call

> got my cousin to text and call

> left messages to guilt me

> pretended overt concern as their reason for leaving messages as to

> all the possible hazzards on my journey

> Cousin - left guilt messages - obvious when talked to her she was

> under instructions and lies had been told about my 'lack of care' to

> my nada when I was the only one doing anything

> My nsister actually arranged to attend hospital apt with them monday

>

>

> Outcome:

> I was completed manipulated into taking on full responsibility for my

> nadas care during chemo

> While at the same time I felt enormous pride that I had done so - I

> felt sooooo good about myself and this is the trap - that the only

> way I am 'permitted' to feel good is in service to them

> I felt enormous relief today when I called nada and she had 'turned'

> back to normal and was pleased with me - the waif was gone, the witch

> was gone - I could breathe again

> I realised the extent of the manipulations and that I had no control

> over my own emotional reactions and behaviours - that I was like a

> robot calling them up to be programemd to feel as they decided.

>

[Guest guest]

---

I think that your being able to process and recognize all this is

major progress! The first step to " changing the game. " Changing the

game and roles is very difficult, but you can do it. Keep reading

the books (I'm assuming you have been since you assessed the

situation so clearly) and writing. This groups helps so much b/c you

can identify patterns. Reading others' situations helps you to

generalize how to handle things re: your own situation. Again, I

think this is major progress...

Joanna

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " happyout "

wrote:

>

> I was feeling great - so much pride in myslef about how I had

handled

> the last while.

>

> What I had managed to do was

> to say 'no' to nada

> not to show my reactions - e.g. get angry,

> spoke up for myself

> Avoided being scapegoated (I thought)

> got my npd sister to take on tiny responsibility - stood up to her

>

> Its only today I realised as per usual that I was totally played

> again. I realised it when I rang nada for a quick 'hello' to 'do

my

> duty'. She was all happy with me and thanked me for looknig after

> her chemo care plan. ie. she had gotten exactly what she wanted

and

> I had reinforced and rewarded her behaviour.

>

> I used the CBT situation analysis of thoughts, feelings, physical

> sensations, behaviours to look at it more closely

>

> They play me like a puppet and I have no control over my emotions

and

> subsequent behaviours.

>

> Thoughts:

> I have to protect myself

> I have to stick up for myself

> I have to cover my ass with friends and relatives to avoid being

> scapegoated

> I have to defend myself against this enforced caretaking I am being

> bullied to do

> Shes mental

> I have no mother

> My npd father does nothing - makes a joke

> My npd father is going to take her moods now out of me - it will be

> my fault I have to protect myself

> Im bad

> Im getting out of here she's turning

> This is only going to get worse

> Shes blaming me for her attacking me

> Im not allowed to talk, feel,

> I dont exist

>

> Feelings:

> Devestated, crushed

> Hurt

> Angry?

> Scared

> feel trapped

> No air

> Unfairness

> Insignificant

> worthless

> nothing

>

> Physical Sensations:

> I cant breathe

> trapped energy - holding my feelings in

> I dont know what else - too much to feel/experience

> Have to escape

>

> Behaviours (mine)

> I leave

> Talk to my nfather to 'cover my ass' to not get scapegoated

> Call relatives and friends to 'cover my ass' express fake concern

> over my ndad and her behaviour

> Phone the next day to 'cover my ass' (she has turned on the phone -

> the witch has replaced the waif)

> NC for 3 daysv- lie and say Ive got interview far away

> Dont answer phone and text

>

>

> How the event effected me after the fact:

> depressed kinda comatose for 2 days - lifeless

> Couldnt cope with the whole thing

> No focus on my life - just felt dead, my life not my own

>

> How nada/npd father etc behaved after the event:

> Constant calls to mobile

> Triangulation - got my npd sister to text and call

> got my cousin to text and call

> left messages to guilt me

> pretended overt concern as their reason for leaving messages as to

> all the possible hazzards on my journey

> Cousin - left guilt messages - obvious when talked to her she was

> under instructions and lies had been told about my 'lack of care'

to

> my nada when I was the only one doing anything

> My nsister actually arranged to attend hospital apt with them monday

>

>

> Outcome:

> I was completed manipulated into taking on full responsibility for

my

> nadas care during chemo

> While at the same time I felt enormous pride that I had done so - I

> felt sooooo good about myself and this is the trap - that the only

> way I am 'permitted' to feel good is in service to them

> I felt enormous relief today when I called nada and she

had 'turned'

> back to normal and was pleased with me - the waif was gone, the

witch

> was gone - I could breathe again

> I realised the extent of the manipulations and that I had no

control

> over my own emotional reactions and behaviours - that I was like a

> robot calling them up to be programemd to feel as they decided.

>