paranoia

[Guest guest]

Hi friends,

Ihave been NC for about three years now, and I often go for a long

time without thinking about the FOO, or BPD. This group and everyone

on it was so important to me in critical stages of my recovery, and

it's good to know I can leave and then always come back whenever I

need to.

I recently checked in with my T, about something else that was going

on . I hadn't talked with him in about 6 months, and besides the

other stuff I wanted to ask him about, I also happened to mention

some of my fears regarding the FOO. My T said that I am so fearful

that I am almost paranoid. He said the FOO really can't touch me

now. I had expressed to my T that I am so afraid of the FOO,

especially my nada, being able to take away the life I have built for

myself, that I cancelled a planned visit from an old family friend

whom I like very much and who helped and supported me when I first

found out about BPD but who is also still in touch with nada and

fada. This family friend was planning to visit me with her husband

and stay a few days. We had been planning the visit for months, and

at the last moment, I got really scared. Her husband doesn't always

really get the dynamics between me and my FOO. I got really really

scared, specifically thinking that if he took a picture of us outside

or something, and showed that picture to the FOO, then the FOO would

know where I live. Because of this fear, I had asked my friend to

cancel her trip,giving her some other excuse (too much work to have

visitors, unexpected extra work on those days... ).

My T said that I was paranoid, because in today's age, anyone can

find out on the internet where anyone lives in a matter of minutes.

I hadn't thought about that. I guess I can't control what nada knows

about me. I also am afraid of being in contact with other members of

the extended FOO, because I am afraid of what they might tell nada.

It's so much fear for me. My whole life and the way I live my life

is still filled with fear, although I have been NC for three years

now. There were just SO MANY Times in the past, when nada would ruin

relationships I had with boyfriends because she was afraid of being

abandoned. Successes I had at work, or successes I had in life, she

found ways to ruin it for me. She insulted me and tore me apart at

my vulnerabilities.

It goes against everything I have ever experienced to think that

maybe Nada is going to leave me alone now. My T suggested that she

just might leave me alone, that she gets the message that I want her

and the FOO out of my life. I just can't trust that. I can't

believe that my life is really mine, and that she can't take away

from me the life that I have built now. I have so much fear of the

past. I really feel like, even after three years of NC and a lot of

happiness and success and wonderful people in my life, that nada

could at any time appear and the other shoe would drop, and I would

go back to living in hell and everything would be taken from me.

Nada took so much from me. Anytime I was happy growing up, she took

it from me. Why would I be able to be happy now?

I need a reality check from those who understand. Am I being

paranoid? Could nada mess up my life now, or am I safe? Is it okay

to feel safe??? I am so afraid, that as soon as I let my guard

down, nada will be there tearing apart my life. SO SCARED.

Also, does anyone else feel the same fear I do ??

Many blessings to you in this holiday season.,

Your friend,

" walking to " .