Re: Hmmmm

[Guest guest]

Hi Joanne,

You could just be retracing (and that means more healing) some emotions. It has,

and still is going on with me. I am still very sensitive, and hat to see people

suffer, but we cannot allow it to affect us to the point it makes us ill too. I

worry about my family. They are trying to change some, but not really enough.

They are better in some ways. My lower back is some better, and I am tapering

off my medication, but having to deal with chills. I was having them an hour or

2 before it was time to take them, and now I am cutting down, I get chills

during the day too. Also had a rash yesterday for a while, not related to the

niacin.

Take care,

C

>  

> I feel like I am loosing my marbles right now. It is not so much dealing with

my dad and sister, that is bad enough but I do have a way of drwoning out their

nonsense, but what has brought so much of this home to me has been dealing with

my niece.

>  

> So much of the family break-up surrounded my niece. I have mention little bits

and bobs about my niece in the past, how I was very close to her but when the

family broke up and so forth I had to gireve that relationship etc. Well

recently I have let myself be open to her once more and my heart has become full

of a lot of sadness.

>  

> There are a lot of things relating to all of this but what has struck me is

how much more normal a spiritual she is.

>  

> This may seem like a rather odd statement, but as you know most of my family

has one form of mental illness or another and my husband has a head injury, and

I know this perhaps sounds a bit strange but I have kind of got used to dealing

with crazy conversations with my kindred folk. I am laughing now but honestly

I have been so sad

>  

> I have not put a great deal of time in on this niece, mainly because I do not

want to rock the boat, but over the last few weeks a few opportunities have

arisen where I have been able to talk to her a little bit about the diet and

such. She is only 11 years old but she has been so open to it and so wise. As I

watched her in the kitchen preparing a lemon drink for my dad my eyes just

started to fill up. I became terribly afraid that one day she might develop the

Schizophrenia, and this got me thinking about my own children and about when

they have children (My daughter has mentioned this a few times latley)

>  

> Anyway, all kinds of scenes of horror started passing through my head and I

think some PTSD is occuring. I keep obsessing about things that have not even

happened and I am predicting things in the context of the past. Perhaps some of

this is important, I don't know, but I have been so overwhelmed by it, some of

my fibro has returned

>  

> I have manged to calm myself down tonight, telling myself that at least my

children are well. My daughter gets lumps in her breasts and even had to have

one removed a year ago, and this could be a real problem, and my son

occasionally gets anxiety and binge eating, and again that could excalate, but

overall they are significantly more healthy than the other family members, and

they are working at keeping themseles well, and in a good way too

>  

> I have to keep reminding myself that they are doing well, and so am I, and

even the other family members that are afflicted with all this other stuff, even

they are doing well, considering. But you know it has all got to me this last

few days. I keep getting bouts of fear and helplessness.

>  

> I think now I have told somebody, this will lift more easily. I know the Lord

is revealing all this to us for a special reason, and that he will do only good

with it. But I am such a sensitive person and I cannot stand seeing people

suffering. I just keep thinking if all the generations of my family are going to

be plagued with all this pain, I do not think I will cope. It sometimes feels

like I am emptying a flooded house with a bucket full of holes.

>  

> Anyway, I will try not to crack. I will try to believe this will not have to

be the way my mind is telling me, but honestly, I do only have so much strength

and that strength is waining.

>  

> I think that today, if I can, I will try to detach from all of it and instead

spend some time on myself. I will try to go for a walk with the dog, and go to

church etc. Because you know if I do not get out of this cloud I am not going to

be any good to anybody

>  

> I know this is not Fibro, but I sent this clip to my dad earlier today, my

heart is trying to tell me to think about this a bit more deeply

>  

> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLVyJHFcIDk

>  

> Love Joanne