[Fwd: Clean Laffs - Wednesday, July 26, 2000]

[Guest guest]

CLEAN LAFFS - Wednesday, July 26, 2000

" Giggles, Snickers and Guffaws you don't

have to Feel Guilty About "

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Dear Yucksters,

Well, I finally saw the X-Men movie, and I'm not ashamed to

say it was pretty exciting. Of course, you have to be a comic

book fan, like old Joe, to really get the full effect of the

film, but even for a garden variety science fiction fan it

has plenty of adventure and special effects.

The whole thing is based on the premise that there are a new

breed of humans evolving who have super-human mutant powers.

Like one of the characters, Summers, suffers from an

explosive radiation that spontaneously erupts from his eyes.

Fun at parties, sure, but it can be a real drag when reading

the newspaper.

So I was thinking...if I could have a mutant power, what would

it be? Wouldn't want the eye radiation thing. How about the

psychic power to read and manipulate minds like Professor X?

But honestly, what fun would that be? I mean, do you really

want to know what everybody is thinking? It would get a little

annoying after a while.

Then it occurred to me - I would want the ability to make

everything I say sound reasonable. Imagine what you could do

with a power like that. You would be virtually unstoppable.

No one could defeat you because no one would WANT to defeat

you. You could influence governments, eliminate tyranny, you

could even get girls with a power like that. Let's see

Summers pick up chicks with radiation blasting out of his

eye sockets.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

I used to think I was indecisive...but now I'm not so sure...

***

I know a guy who will be my friend for life, or until I pay

him back the money I owe him, which is the same thing.

***

I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked

the barber when would be a good time to bring in my two-year-

old son. Without hesitation, the barber answered, " When he's

four. "

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THE NEW STATE MOTTOS ---

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own

It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The " Fun " In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland

Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But

The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the " S "

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our

Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

land: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most

Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing

Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto

Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The

Right To An Attorney ...

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually

Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels

Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared!

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" Do you believe in life after death? " the boss asked one of

his younger employees. "

" Yes sir. "

" Well, then, that makes everything just fine, " the boss went

on, " About an hour after you left early yesterday to go to

your grandfather's funeral, he stopped in to see you. "

*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as

" Rocky " , in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave

him some goodies, he returned for more.

" Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep a few

minutes ago? " I asked.

" Yes, " he replied, " but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back

three more times tonight, too. "

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Questions? Comments? Email us at:

<a href= " mailto:clean-laffs@... " >Email Joe</a>

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