Allow yourselves to Read This New Years Humor

[Guest guest]

By the end you should be laughing

As we enter 2011, I want to thank everyone who sent educational e-mails over the

past year.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the

waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on

the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person

was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has

happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the

number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how

many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a

public bathroom.

I learned that there is rat poop in the glue on envelopes and I now have to use

a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who

is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I look forward to receiving the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are

sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for

me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with

my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks

with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo

on a hot day.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven

of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial

killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are

atheists who refuse to put `Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different

types of cancer.

I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it might blow up in

my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected

with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume

sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda

agents in disguise.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number

for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore ,

and Uzbekistan ...

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking

under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

I can't ever pick up $0.25 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably

was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al

Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider

and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes,

a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 pm. tomorrow

afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to

grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a

friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's

best friend's beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that

people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the

mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail

that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

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