Guest guest Posted June 6, 1999 Report Share Posted June 6, 1999 This is also for Bjorn. I liked Kayleigh's response about supporting your friend but also confronting him with acting like a man and being there for his wife. I was in the hospital with double pneumonia in December for a week. My husband had an out-of-town job and our son's grandmother took care of him for almost 3 weeks (the week before I went in the hospital and a few days afterward). The church I attended sent over bags of groceries when I got out so I wouldn't have to go shopping while I recuperated. One member came over and cleaned my house so I wouldn't have to take care of that either. One lady offered to send her cleaning woman over and she should pay for it. One person from AA called me on the phone and another visited me in the hospital and both said " Let me know if there's anything I can do " They both brought up the acceptance junk and I supposed patted themselves on the back at their meetings for the " help " they gave me by reminding me of AA slogans and that I shouldn't drink over this. Like I could get me some hootch in the hospital. The church people took it upon themselves to send food and clean my house. Before I went in the hospital I was at home sick and very weak. On Thanksgiving my husband went to his mothers' and I had asked him to bring me a plate of food home. He said he would. He called me around 6 that evening and said he was just going to go on up to his out of town job. I said aren't you going to bring me something to eat? He said he didn't want to drive all the way down to the house and then up to the job site. I had to beg him to bring me some food (by then I could bearly get myself food). He was rather unconcerned about my health. Yet he'd tell me about his AA meetings and how he'd bring up all the problems he was having. Why didn't someone tell him to act like a man and help his wife? AA people are so infected with this 'I am not responsible for someone else' bull. We also see this throughout our culture. Yet AA preaches from their speakers' pulpits how helpful they are to others. Whenever I've been in a situation where I needed hands on physical help, my AA 'friends' were no where in sight. So I've learned that when someone is down and out to say to myself what could a friend do that would ease some of my worry. Usually it's the day to day chores in life that need tended to. And then say, " how about I do (fill in the blank) for you " Jan Re: letter from a wacko >Hi Sheri; > >It does seem strange at first blush, that when life deals us a blow, >AA is concerned only that less time will be devoted to them. >Seems a very unsympathetic and selfish view for a support group. >But should we realistically expect more from them? After all they >are just like the bunch we drank with, unchanged except in the use >of alcohol. They have replaced the alcohol with phrases from a >book, but little or nothing from living. Going to two meetings a day >and talking about those two hours for the other 22, means I don't >have to solve any problems or live through them, just talk about >them. > >If you worked in an office of 10 people, 2 would have asked what >they could do to help and meant it. However, those folks would be >folks with living experience and empathy. They would do it out of >concern for your well being. AA shows concern by putting in fear >or raising self doubt. A very sick microcosm of cult society. > >Make mine vanilla. > > > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >eGroups Spotlight: > " Rat and Mouse Breeders for Excellence " - Discuss the best way >to raise a rat of " excellent temperament " and " sturdy good health " . >http://clickhere./click/118 > > >eGroups.com home: /group/12-step-free > - Simplifying group communications > > > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ eGroups.com home: /group/12-step-free - Simplifying group communications Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 7, 1999 Report Share Posted June 7, 1999 Oh, I think we may have been married to brothers. Mr. AA, my soon to be ex, came into the bedroom the morning after I was released from the hospital after painful and scary leg tumor-cancer, whatever, biopsy. I couldn't get up, get to the restroom, do anything for a few days. Anyway, he was Mr. " harrumph, hurrah " , husband of the year in front of the hospital staff. But that morning he brought me a little personal cooler like you would take your lunch to work in with half a package of saltines and a couple of cokes in it and said, " here you go, I'll see you about 10:30 tonight.... " He didn't stick around enough to even see if I needed to get up before he left, just vamoosed into thin air. Probably to a meeting where he could self congratulate himself and get lots of pats on the back for being Mr. Wonderful. Yuck. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ eGroups.com home: /group/12-step-free - Simplifying group communications Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 7, 1999 Report Share Posted June 7, 1999 You don't need anyone in your life who would treat you or anyone else denying them life. Check out the " CoDependency Conspiracy " by Stan Katz to see how widespread this syndrome is. Carol At 10:24 PM 6/6/99 -0400, you wrote: >This is also for Bjorn. I liked Kayleigh's response about supporting your >friend but also confronting him with acting like a man and being there for >his wife. I was in the hospital with double pneumonia in December for a >week. My husband had an out-of-town job and our son's grandmother took care >of him for almost 3 weeks (the week before I went in the hospital and a few >days afterward). The church I attended sent over bags of groceries when I >got out so I wouldn't have to go shopping while I recuperated. One member >came over and cleaned my house so I wouldn't have to take care of that >either. One lady offered to send her cleaning woman over and she should pay >for it. One person from AA called me on the phone and another visited me in >the hospital and both said " Let me know if there's anything I can do " They >both brought up the acceptance junk and I supposed patted themselves on the >back at their meetings for the " help " they gave me by reminding me of AA >slogans and that I shouldn't drink over this. Like I could get me some >hootch in the hospital. The church people took it upon themselves to send >food and clean my house. > >Before I went in the hospital I was at home sick and very weak. On >Thanksgiving my husband went to his mothers' and I had asked him to bring me >a plate of food home. He said he would. He called me around 6 that evening >and said he was just going to go on up to his out of town job. I said >aren't you going to bring me something to eat? He said he didn't want to >drive all the way down to the house and then up to the job site. I had to >beg him to bring me some food (by then I could bearly get myself food). He >was rather unconcerned about my health. Yet he'd tell me about his AA >meetings and how he'd bring up all the problems he was having. Why didn't >someone tell him to act like a man and help his wife? AA people are so >infected with this 'I am not responsible for someone else' bull. We also >see this throughout our culture. Yet AA preaches from their speakers' >pulpits how helpful they are to others. Whenever I've been in a situation >where I needed hands on physical help, my AA 'friends' were no where in >sight. > >So I've learned that when someone is down and out to say to myself what >could a friend do that would ease some of my worry. Usually it's the day to >day chores in life that need tended to. And then say, " how about I do (fill >in the blank) for you " > >Jan > > > > > Re: letter from a wacko > > >>Hi Sheri; >> >>It does seem strange at first blush, that when life deals us a blow, >>AA is concerned only that less time will be devoted to them. >>Seems a very unsympathetic and selfish view for a support group. >>But should we realistically expect more from them? After all they >>are just like the bunch we drank with, unchanged except in the use >>of alcohol. They have replaced the alcohol with phrases from a >>book, but little or nothing from living. Going to two meetings a day >>and talking about those two hours for the other 22, means I don't >>have to solve any problems or live through them, just talk about >>them. >> >>If you worked in an office of 10 people, 2 would have asked what >>they could do to help and meant it. However, those folks would be >>folks with living experience and empathy. They would do it out of >>concern for your well being. AA shows concern by putting in fear >>or raising self doubt. A very sick microcosm of cult society. >> >>Make mine vanilla. >> >> >> >>------------------------------------------------------------------------ >>eGroups Spotlight: >> " Rat and Mouse Breeders for Excellence " - Discuss the best way >>to raise a rat of " excellent temperament " and " sturdy good health " . >>http://clickhere./click/118 >> >> >>eGroups.com home: /group/12-step-free >> - Simplifying group communications >> >> >> >> > > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >eGroups now offers FREE email newsletters! >Women.com, RollingStone, Travelocity, and more… >Sign-up Now! http://clickhere./click/315 > > >eGroups.com home: /group/12-step-free > - Simplifying group communications > > > > > > > --- Up With People! Visit: Information on recovery alternatives at Http:\\www.BCRecovernet.org ------------------------------------------------------------------------ eGroups.com home: /group/12-step-free - Simplifying group communications Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 7, 1999 Report Share Posted June 7, 1999 Yeah, he sounds like my beloved. My husband and I have been separated for about 2-3 months now. He wants to get divorced, get out of his business, and sell the house to payoff bills. I have to remind myself to stay angry at him because the parts of the marriage where he and our son and me had enjoyable times keep popping up in my head. Trouble is, they were spells in the midst of alot of rough times from him. I always felt like he was holding me at arm's length. My father suffered a stroke in December and after I recuperated from pneumonia I was spending Jan, Feb, Mar & April running back and forth from WV to Pgh and back again to tend to his bills and check on the house and get him from one hospital to another. Seeing how it disabled him, it often occurred to me that if this happened to me, I suspect my husband would leave me in the corner in the wheelchair, drooling on myself. Yikes - put a scare in me for sure. I know I can get on with my life, but I sure do hate the pain I feel over my stepson. I wish I could have him here with me. I wish he didn't have to have another mother leave his life. I shudder to think what this is doing to him and I can rationalize that this is my husband's decision and desires yet there's that part of me that wonders if there was something more I could do to make things go smoother at home, if only for my stepson's sake. Well, just another young boy who will grow up hating women, I suppose. Believe me, if he was my flesh and blood he'd be with me. He's 9 and him and Dad spend the evenings watching MTV together. Quality time, I guess that's what that's called. I think I'm more angry at my husband for how he's bring up his son than what he ever did to me. Jan Re: What does help mean Oh, I think we may have been married to brothers. Mr. AA, my soon to be ex, came into the bedroom the morning after I was released from the hospital after painful and scary leg tumor-cancer, whatever, biopsy. I couldn't get up, get to the restroom, do anything for a few days. Anyway, he was Mr. " harrumph, hurrah " , husband of the year in front of the hospital staff. But that morning he brought me a little personal cooler like you would take your lunch to work in with half a package of saltines and a couple of cokes in it and said, " here you go, I'll see you about 10:30 tonight.... " He didn't stick around enough to even see if I needed to get up before he left, just vamoosed into thin air. Probably to a meeting where he could self congratulate himself and get lots of pats on the back for being Mr. Wonderful. Yuck. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ FREE email Newsletters delivered right to your in-box. CNET, USAToday, RollingStone, and more… Click Here Now! http://clickhere./click/314 eGroups.com home: /group/12-step-free - Simplifying group communications ------------------------------------------------------------------------ eGroups.com home: /group/12-step-free - Simplifying group communications Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 7, 1999 Report Share Posted June 7, 1999 Yeah, he sounds like my beloved. My husband and I have been separated for about 2-3 months now. He wants to get divorced, get out of his business, and sell the house to payoff bills. I have to remind myself to stay angry at him because the parts of the marriage where he and our son and me had enjoyable times keep popping up in my head. Trouble is, they were spells in the midst of alot of rough times from him. I always felt like he was holding me at arm's length. My father suffered a stroke in December and after I recuperated from pneumonia I was spending Jan, Feb, Mar & April running back and forth from WV to Pgh and back again to tend to his bills and check on the house and get him from one hospital to another. Seeing how it disabled him, it often occurred to me that if this happened to me, I suspect my husband would leave me in the corner in the wheelchair, drooling on myself. Yikes - put a scare in me for sure. I know I can get on with my life, but I sure do hate the pain I feel over my stepson. I wish I could have him here with me. I wish he didn't have to have another mother leave his life. I shudder to think what this is doing to him and I can rationalize that this is my husband's decision and desires yet there's that part of me that wonders if there was something more I could do to make things go smoother at home, if only for my stepson's sake. Well, just another young boy who will grow up hating women, I suppose. Believe me, if he was my flesh and blood he'd be with me. He's 9 and him and Dad spend the evenings watching MTV together. Quality time, I guess that's what that's called. I think I'm more angry at my husband for how he's bring up his son than what he ever did to me. You're the one who loves horses also aren't you. We were supposed to email horsy stuff and never got around to it, weren't we! Check out http://www.haynet.net/ for some good links. I'm developing a web site like that for equestrians in Western Pennsylvania on that order. Haven't got it published yet - hope to soon. Jan Re: What does help mean Oh, I think we may have been married to brothers. Mr. AA, my soon to be ex, came into the bedroom the morning after I was released from the hospital after painful and scary leg tumor-cancer, whatever, biopsy. I couldn't get up, get to the restroom, do anything for a few days. Anyway, he was Mr. " harrumph, hurrah " , husband of the year in front of the hospital staff. But that morning he brought me a little personal cooler like you would take your lunch to work in with half a package of saltines and a couple of cokes in it and said, " here you go, I'll see you about 10:30 tonight.... " He didn't stick around enough to even see if I needed to get up before he left, just vamoosed into thin air. Probably to a meeting where he could self congratulate himself and get lots of pats on the back for being Mr. Wonderful. Yuck. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ FREE email Newsletters delivered right to your in-box. CNET, USAToday, RollingStone, and more… Click Here Now! http://clickhere./click/314 eGroups.com home: /group/12-step-free - Simplifying group communications ------------------------------------------------------------------------ eGroups.com home: /group/12-step-free - Simplifying group communications Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 8, 1999 Report Share Posted June 8, 1999 Yes, that's me! I cannot believe all we have in common! Are you going to take family law? I think you may have rights to stay involved in your stepsons life! Wait, here it is..... I think it is called equitable parenthood and it permitts a stepparent to be treated as a parent where: (l) the husband and child mutually acknowledge a relationship as father and child, or the mother of the child has cooperated in the development of such relationship over a time prior to the filing of the complaint for divorce, (2) the husband desires to have the rights afforded to a parent, and (3) the husband is willing to take on the responsibility of paying child support. " Even where not afforded parental status, courts have nonetheless begun to recognize that the importance of stepparent relationships often extends beyond the duration of the marriage and that cutting off this relationship can be detrimental for children who have formed enduring bonds with a stepparent. Although a stepparent is unlikely to be awarded custody unless the natural parent preference can be overcome by proof of unfitness or detriment to the child, visitation may be awarded based on a best interest standard, as this is less of an intrusion than an award of custody would be. " This sounds like it just applies to men but I think you might find help in your state statutes regarding your role as step mom. Hey sounds good to me! As far as your husband, yikes, here we go again. STOP reminiscing on all the good times. THAT'S ALL I EVER DO, DID, ETC. until recently. Now I look back on all the years where I saw and magnified the good and deleted the negative. I think it may be a woman thing, not meaning to be sexist. (I'll probably pay for that statement, let me modify it by saying I KNOW it's a kathy thing.) I'm not saying I will slink on down the low road which seems to be his choice of travel in this divorce, but I did love him with all my heart and to me love is unconditional. However, I do not accept abusive, manipulative behaviour anymore, at least it sounds good when I tell myself that..... and realize that he has one and only one persons welfare in mind during what he has termed " his divorce " ... So, my friend, go hug a horse, have fun in school, and I do so hope we stay in touch! Kathy ------------------------------------------------------------------------ eGroups.com home: /group/12-step-free - Simplifying group communications Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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