New member

Posted April 16, 2000 · April 16, 2000

Hi Traceyjayne,

I am a new member, too. I have gone through 2 years of grief over the loss

of myself and my life. I know what you must be going through. Just

recently, I came out of this grief. Everyone goes through difficult times in

their own way, so I don't know what will work for you. Don't be too hard on

yourself. Recognize that you are grieving and give some time to it. It

helped me to think of myself as being in a coccoon and emerging as a new

person in a different body. This new person is just as whole and unique as

the old one was. We are not our illnesses!!!!! I saw a movie on TV where a

local baseball hero returned from the war. All in town gathered to see him,

but when he emerged from the car, he had no legs from the knees down. A

young boy, obviously disappointed at this sight of a supposed baseball hero,

called out, " Why do you have no. . . " The hero interrupted him, saying,

" What, why do I have no legs? Because they were shot off. Boy, you best not

be minding the things people don't have. You best be minding the things they

do have. " With a wink, he threw him a baseball. It was well said-----you

best be minding the things you do have. Even with our limitations, (I prefer

to say limitations, which everyone has, rather than saying I am disabled ) we

have a lot.

With lots of hugs to you,

Jeanne

Posted April 17, 2000 · April 17, 2000

Hi KK,

Thanks for your e-mail! I can't even imagine all you have seen as an ICU

nurse. I can relate to the very sad news about your dad. I lost my dad when

I was 18, he was 53, to lung cancer.

I didn't always have this attitude. There were 2 dark years there when I

could not see beyond my pain. Then I started to paint. Actually, I had done

a little painting for a long time, but at the rate of about 1painting a year.

Now, I became a more serious painter. I started going to a painting class,

but I no longer did what the teacher did. I did my own thing. Instead of

just splashing paint on paper or canvas, I planned out what I wanted to paint

and why. Each painting was intended to teach me something, maybe an

experiment in painting flowers in every shade of orange I could create. Or

maybe I chose something symbolic, like pencil drawings of sad women. One

painting I worked on for 3 months. Although other people interrupted me

( " why do you want to spend so much time on 1 painting? or why don't you paint

that flower pink?), I did not sway my from my inner spirit. A these times, I

know I am painting with God. So, the lesson I learned is that all that God

took away in the old body, He replaced with another gift more valuable than

the first. I just had to look for it. But my attitude didn't change right

away. I was still grieving for my old self. My somewhat good paintings (at

least they were pleasing to me) were poor by comparison to travel, money,

business acquaintances, and " important " work that enabled my mind to

demonstrate its superior qualities of recall, analysis, and genius. I hope

you are laughing by now. My reduced state, which struggled with spelling,

loneliness, pain and forced humility because I was no longer anybody, was a

sorry lot. I can't say when or how it turned around. Just this month I

realized I am no longer grieving. My paintings look GOOD. That nose-to-

the-grindstone worked. Even as slowly as I painted, over a long period of

time, something was accomplished. I became happy with my achievement, and a

new sense of self emerged. I can honestly say I get more joy out of one

painting than all the money I ever made. This has given me new things to

think about. ACM is still part of my day, but there is now more.

Sorry this is so long. I guess I got carried away. Thanks for listening,

and for writing. Hope your day is pain-less and the sun shines on you,

Jeanne

Posted April 17, 2000 · April 17, 2000