Twas the Night Before Xmas - Dieter's Version

[Guest guest]

*Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips*

*were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.*

*Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care*

*In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.*

*While Mama in her my girdle and I in chin straps*

*Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.*

*When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter*

*I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.*

*Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash*

*Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.*

*The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow*

*Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.*

*When what to my wandering eyes should appear:*

*A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!*

*That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick*

*I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.*

*The sweet-coated santa, those sugared reindeer*

*I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;*

*On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS*

*A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.*

*>From the top of the scales to the top of the hall*

*Now dash away pounds now dash away all.*

*Dressed up in Lane from my head to nightdress*

*My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.*

*My droll little mouth and my round little belly*

*They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.*

*I spoke not a word but went straight to my work*

*Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.*

*And laying a finger beside my heartburn*

*I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.*

*I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry*

*If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.*

*And I mumbled again as I turned for the night*

*In the morning I'll starve... 'til I take that first bite!*

--

Ortiz, RD

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