Life After AA

[Guest guest]

Sometimes I view my life as " before AA " and " after AA. " Because without a

doubt, my view of myself and the world changed after my involvement with 12

step programs. I can't necessarily say its changed for the better. Before

the program, I had several close relationships with peers an family members.

After the program, I had no close relationships except to other AA

members. And those quickly evaporated when I stopped attending meetings.

In the past two years, I've rarely attended AA and I've noticed a sharp

contrast in how I percieve other people now.

I question people's motives a lot and think that most everyone are

manipulative and untrustworthy. That most people are in need of help. I

think that comes directly from AA. Especially my fear of getting in a

relationship. In my opinion, longterm XA involvement makes you paranoid and

judgemental towards the outside world.

I'm trying to hard to shake AA's influence on me. I try to avoid 12

step related literature. Which is hard because most everything involving

self help are variations on the AA theme. But I try to avoid using AA

slogans and trying to make amends everytime I get angry. Its not easy

because a lot of their ideas are in my subconcious now. I catch myself

repeating them involuntatily.

In my mind, AA only had one good effect on my life: I no longer

drink. The negative effects are I'm having a hard time just trusting my gut

and being self motivated. Luckily, I can now see AA and other 12 step

groups for what they are. I realize now the problem is with them and not

me. So now I can stop constantly trying to go back to the program even

though I know better.

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