Am I the only one going insane here?

[Guest guest]

Today is day 3 since my discovery about AA. There is still no doubt in my

mind that these people are sick psychos that prey on innocent and desperate

minds, including children. I feel like I am going absolutely crazy though.

Ive been obsessing about this and I cant stop thinking about everything I

learned there and how it has affected my life even to this day. The more I

think about it the more it becomes a snowball kind of effect. It goes kind

of like this.....

" The courage to change the things I can, oh yeah Im powerless over people

places and things, wait thats sick thinking, I should control my own life,

but my life is screwed up because of things that have been done to me, oh

yeah but what role did I play in all of this, yes I did X Y Z, therefore its

really my fault, wait but if I wouldnt have been taught to be passive and

powerless, this wouldnt have happened, but if I wouldnt have allowed myself

to learn that I was powerless, then this wouldnt have happened so I guess

its my fault, besides the welfare of the group is more important than

me.... " It goes on and on and on...............

I havent slept well for days and Ive been having nightmares. I had a

nightmare about some military man controlling the body of an infant to make

her lay in an awkward position and he was chuckling about how easy it was to

make this baby do something uncomfortable. (im sure its just a metaphor) But

anyways in this dream, I ran to the kitchen and tried to grab a butcher

knife so I could slit my own throat at watching that and was pinned down by

an unknown adult to prevent me because i was " crazy. " After they let me go,

I jumped up and pinned down the military man and held him by the throat ...

If it werent for me being woken up I would have killed the bastard. ( gee

hope i dont get busted for cussing here... no better word though .) But, it

just goes to show me how I feel like i was so militantly controlled, how I

took responsibility for it being my fault (I should die first not him) and

how much rage I feel towards them.

Ive taken to doing some obsessive and repeative things in the last few

days that I havent done in years. All of them are self consoling behaviors

like rocking, eating, certain kinds of repetative noises, even an infantile

urge to suck on anything I can get my hands on etc. I feel completely insane

and Im even worried that you guys are all going to label me as such. But

after reading some of the stuff I have read lately, it seems like what I am

doing are self-hypnotic ritualistic behaviors aimed at thought stopping so

that I dont have to think about the truth. When I think about thats what I

am doing I just feel even more crazy. No wonder I became crazy. I know deep

down theres really nothing consitutionally wrong with me but they convinced

me for years I am crazy, therefore I am? Isnt that the way it works? If you

cant work the program, then you must be crazy?

I called the local mental health crisis line last night bawling my eyes

out because I couldnt sleep and was very nauseous and was feeling desperate

and was afraid I was going to hurt myself. I told the woman I talked to that

I realized the group my family was involved in was a cult and used mind

control etc. and that it was very upsetting to me. She was very

compassionate about it to some extent, although she really didnt understand

what it did to my mind. She kept telling me to just stop thinking about it.

Well, I tried unsuccessfully to explain to her that part of what they did to

me was teach me how to obsess about this stuff. She didnt understand how I

couldnt just stop thinking about it. She tried to get me to tell her the

name of the group my family was involved in but I wouldnt tell her becuase I

just knew if I said AA she would turn from compassionate to " oh your just

crazy. "

Needless to say, I didnt get much sleep last night. Now I have to get up and

do Thanksgiving. ARRRGGGGHHH!

Anyways, am I the only one going through this? Please tell me Im not

going crazy!

Louree