Re: Poly (and everyone else!) - How men behave

[Guest guest]

Poly: I completely agree about using this group to

" vent " and not doing so to your husband. I am the same

way. I made a very conscious decision to seek-out a

support group of some kind as soon as Asherman's was

even suspected because I knew I would need it.

My husband is a loving and wonderful man. But the key

word in that sentence is " MAN " . When women " vent " or

complain or even just voice their worries, the male

response is to try to solve it. They simply do not

and cannot understand the value of " talking through "

something when there is no solution to it. To them,

talking about problems has one goal only, and that is

to have a solid solution at the end of the

conversation.

As we all know with Asherman's, most issues related to

it have no " cut and dried " solution. So, my venting or

worrying out-loud seems like an exercise in futility

to my husband....why talk about it all the time when

there is nothing we can " DO " about it? He's not being

cruel or insensitive, that is just the way his mind

and his emotions work, and the way I think most men

" work " .

Also, I think it hurts him to see me hurting and not

be able to do anything about it. He feels frustrated

and powerless and everytime I vent or worry aloud it

just makes him feel more frustrated and powerless

because there is nothing he can do to help, no

solution he can come up with. And I think as we all

know, there aren't many people in the world, and

especially not many men, who like feeling powerless.

Thus, I certainly keep him up-to-date on developments

and information, and he wants to know what my

treatment plan is and where I am in it. He also

attends my appointments with me and asks good

question. BUT, when it comes to the daily worrying,

the " why hasn't my period come yet? " the obsessing

over having another child, I keep that to myself and

share it with you all and a few other close women

friends. It works very well for us. I know he is

concerned and supportive. And he knows that I save all

my hypothetical " what if " worrying for others and we

both are better-off for it.

I think part of the problem is ours, meaning us women.

Women need to be heard to feel understood and loved

and cherished. When our male partner isn't interested

in talking through every little detail of our medical

history or doctor's appointment we feel unloved and

misunderstood. The problem with this is that we are

then expecting men to behave and respond and act like

WE would as women - and they simply are not " built "

that way are they? They are different in so many

ways. In how they perceive information, how they

process it, how they respond to it, what they do with

it. It's all very different.

So, instead of feeling misunderstood or unloved or

uncared for when our spouse doesn't respond with the

same depth of interest, emotion or committment that we

have, we should realize that we, each of us women, are

responsible for giving ourselves (and finding

ourselves) what we need, our husbands are not

responsible for giving it to us. It is nice that

often they can, but unfair of them to expect them to

fill every emotional need we have. No single person

can or should be everything to another, not even a

spouse.

So, Poly - in my very long-winded fashion (once again)

I just wanted to say BRAVO to your notion that you

" leave him be " . I think we will all find that when we

stop wishing and hoping and trying to cajole our

husbands into responding the way we think they should,

or wish they would (namely like we would!) that they

are caring and supportive and interested and concerned

in their own way, you just have to realize it's very

different than " our " way.

Now please don't misunderstand what I am saying. I am

in no way making excuses for men that are truly

uncaring or uninvolved, or even hostile, and I know

there are those men also. There are no excuses for a

spouse that just truly doesn't care. But I think (and

hope) that these are more the exception than the rule.

If you haven't read it (and I have to admit I haven't

read all of it yet) there is a great book out about

this topic called " Men are From Mars and Women are

From Venus " can't remember the author's name but I

highly recommend it. You can get it from Amazon.com if

you are interested.

Anyway, sorry I've rambled on so long again.

Gwen

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