Re: My Mother - Rosemary, Diagnosed 3/4/10 and now is in final stage and medicare is running out!

April 29, 2012

Rene-

If your mom could be kept at home then you have another option. Find out

about community Medicaid or in home Medicaid. There is no look back so you

wouldnt have to worry about the gifts and as long as your mom has only up

to $13,000 in her name she will be approved. Medicaid is not provided for

poor people only.

I live in NYC so I know the rules. I Recommend

You call " white glove consulting " a brooklyn organization that can apply

for your moms Medicaid - the process is not so costly but you should look

into it ASAP!

If you want to chat with me a out this please send me a private email and I

will be

Happy to talk who you and tell you what I have learned .

Best,

Judy

> **

>

> Dear Infinite Wisdom of this Group,

> I don't write often, because I wane between being lost in the shuffle of

> life, as I have a terrible support system, no spouse, significant other, a

> sister who is irresponsible and cannot be there for me, a father who is ill

> himself both physically and otherwise, and I have a Grandmother in my care,

> of 92 years old, my maternal Grandmother.

> I lost my job in December, due to a boss who was afraid that I was " too

> good " were his words, and he was Long Island's CEO of the year no less at

> the company that I worked at, and then he promised me a raise and reneged

> on it after he milked me for all that I was worth. He calls himself a

> Christian and then tells everyone that he graduated from Chaminade HS and

> is going to become a Pastor one day, and honestly, I sometimes just lose

> faith intermittantly. On tope of everything, I am in the process of

> bringing this matter to justice with the EEOC as a woman over 40 who was

> denied a promotion by an all male company in power. He also knew everything

> I was dealing with with caregiver stress at home and that I was in therapy.

> I now have no benefits, have debt collectors calling me at all hours of the

> day and night, and to boot, I am fighting an uphill battle for Mom to try

> and get her Medicaid.

>

> My Mother in life had money. I lived with my parents as, I never was

> married and had bought the house with them. I now put the house in my name

> and the house is safe anyway bc of the caregiver child clause w/the house.

> The bigger problem is that, I went to a fair hearing already and my first

> lawyer I had already fired, due to the fact that she milked me for the

> $5000 for my Mom's application and then, abandoned me with not knowing how

> to complete the section with showing " where the assets went. " There were a

> lot of assets and accounts, but, within the last 5-10 years, with the

> economy and not knowing my mother was losing her mind, as all the money and

> assets were in her name and her name alone, everything disappeared. My

> parents used the money, as, they live on Long Island, taxes are high, they

> always drove fancy cars, fixed the house up nice, always spent a ton on

> groceries a week and money went constantly to creditors and bills. My

> parents were also generous with my sister's kids and other people who

> sponged off of them. Now that I have to track this money, I went to this

> very good law firm that was recommended to me by someone at medicaid, and,

> Genser and Dubow told me it would cost $15 - $20k to do my application! I

> told the woman I am broke -did you not hear me? They honestly don't care,

> bc they see all the money that existed at one time and think somehow it is

> being hidden perhaps? Now I am in a pickle because Daleview, the Nursing

> home that finally has my Mom stable, as she has not been stable for a long

> time, called me to tell me, Mom is running out of a skilled need as of May

> 4th and you will have to start paying $400 per day for the Nursing Home

> unless your application is pending with a lawfirm. I thought it over and

> said to myself, I cannot afford to pay $15k for another lawyer that will

> apply but, the chances are really chances that it will get approved. Also,

> in the last 4 years that I have been on and off with employment due to

> caregiving for both my Father with heart disease and then my Mother with

> LBD, I also had money " gifted " to me from my parents to cover my bills as a

> means of taking care of them, as, I couldn't work to cover my own bills.

> This all means, I would have to account for this money too, and, could be

> penalized for this and have to pay Medicaid back for caring for my parents

> " pro-bono. " It is outrageous how the system works. You cannot win anyway

> you turn, as, they are looking in your pockets to take the nickle and

> quarter from you or honestly, would rather see your parent die than survive

> in a nursing home. By the time this is all said and done, we the caregivers

> are taking a beating, and no one gives a dang for us. Our families turn

> their backs, churches just offer a prayer and that's about all, friends

> listen a little and then, at the end of the day, if we are not sane and

> strong, we cave in and die in the midst of this insanity. Some days I

> cannot bear another minute of this nightmare that I am stuck in. I now am

> at the point where, I am being convinced to take my mother home, who was a

> combative person, peeing and defecating improperly in the house, lost in

> the rooms, crying, walking out the front door, taking her clothes off, all

> because America turned into a real 3rd world country that doesn't give a

> crap for us! It just treats us like garbage and sets our elders out to

> pasture - the people that created this great country go out like pariahs. I

> guess I am angry, and it is coming across this way because, I just want to

> make sure I am doing the right thing. The Nursing Home is telling me they

> will put her into a day care program and then get us an aide in the

> afternoon and that we will apply for comunity medicaid which we will have a

> better shot at getting. I just don't want to get my 79 year old father sick

> again with heart failure from caring from a woman who cannot bathe or go to

> the bathroom alone. Its a lot of work! I still have to find a job and

> honestly, no one is coming to our rescue so, its on my back along with my

> Dad.

> Any well-thought out advice appreciated. Best, , Long Island, NY

> (living the nightmare since 2010)

>

April 29, 2012

Rene - I am sorry that I can't offer you any ideas on the Medicaid system

in NY. Have you contacted the Area Agency on Aging for any direction. Is

there a " Passport " program in your area? Passport wants to help people stay

at home. You have your father at home. I wish you the best and hope that

Judy can help you. Vivian

> **

>

> Rene-

> If your mom could be kept at home then you have another option. Find out

> about community Medicaid or in home Medicaid. There is no look back so you

> wouldnt have to worry about the gifts and as long as your mom has only up

> to $13,000 in her name she will be approved. Medicaid is not provided for

> poor people only.

>

> I live in NYC so I know the rules. I Recommend

> You call " white glove consulting " a brooklyn organization that can apply

> for your moms Medicaid - the process is not so costly but you should look

> into it ASAP!

>

> If you want to chat with me a out this please send me a private email and I

> will be

> Happy to talk who you and tell you what I have learned .

>

> Best,

> Judy

>

> > **

>

> >

> > Dear Infinite Wisdom of this Group,

> > I don't write often, because I wane between being lost in the shuffle of

> > life, as I have a terrible support system, no spouse, significant other,

> a

> > sister who is irresponsible and cannot be there for me, a father who is

> ill

> > himself both physically and otherwise, and I have a Grandmother in my

> care,

> > of 92 years old, my maternal Grandmother.

> > I lost my job in December, due to a boss who was afraid that I was " too

> > good " were his words, and he was Long Island's CEO of the year no less at

> > the company that I worked at, and then he promised me a raise and reneged

> > on it after he milked me for all that I was worth. He calls himself a

> > Christian and then tells everyone that he graduated from Chaminade HS and

> > is going to become a Pastor one day, and honestly, I sometimes just lose

> > faith intermittantly. On tope of everything, I am in the process of

> > bringing this matter to justice with the EEOC as a woman over 40 who was

> > denied a promotion by an all male company in power. He also knew

> everything

> > I was dealing with with caregiver stress at home and that I was in

> therapy.

> > I now have no benefits, have debt collectors calling me at all hours of

> the

> > day and night, and to boot, I am fighting an uphill battle for Mom to try

> > and get her Medicaid.

> >

> > My Mother in life had money. I lived with my parents as, I never was

> > married and had bought the house with them. I now put the house in my

> name

> > and the house is safe anyway bc of the caregiver child clause w/the

> house.

> > The bigger problem is that, I went to a fair hearing already and my first

> > lawyer I had already fired, due to the fact that she milked me for the

> > $5000 for my Mom's application and then, abandoned me with not knowing

> how

> > to complete the section with showing " where the assets went. " There were

> a

> > lot of assets and accounts, but, within the last 5-10 years, with the

> > economy and not knowing my mother was losing her mind, as all the money

> and

> > assets were in her name and her name alone, everything disappeared. My

> > parents used the money, as, they live on Long Island, taxes are high,

> they

> > always drove fancy cars, fixed the house up nice, always spent a ton on

> > groceries a week and money went constantly to creditors and bills. My

> > parents were also generous with my sister's kids and other people who

> > sponged off of them. Now that I have to track this money, I went to this

> > very good law firm that was recommended to me by someone at medicaid,

> and,

> > Genser and Dubow told me it would cost $15 - $20k to do my application! I

> > told the woman I am broke -did you not hear me? They honestly don't care,

> > bc they see all the money that existed at one time and think somehow it

> is

> > being hidden perhaps? Now I am in a pickle because Daleview, the Nursing

> > home that finally has my Mom stable, as she has not been stable for a

> long

> > time, called me to tell me, Mom is running out of a skilled need as of

> May

> > 4th and you will have to start paying $400 per day for the Nursing Home

> > unless your application is pending with a lawfirm. I thought it over and

> > said to myself, I cannot afford to pay $15k for another lawyer that will

> > apply but, the chances are really chances that it will get approved.

> Also,

> > in the last 4 years that I have been on and off with employment due to

> > caregiving for both my Father with heart disease and then my Mother with

> > LBD, I also had money " gifted " to me from my parents to cover my bills

> as a

> > means of taking care of them, as, I couldn't work to cover my own bills.

> > This all means, I would have to account for this money too, and, could be

> > penalized for this and have to pay Medicaid back for caring for my

> parents

> > " pro-bono. " It is outrageous how the system works. You cannot win anyway

> > you turn, as, they are looking in your pockets to take the nickle and

> > quarter from you or honestly, would rather see your parent die than

> survive

> > in a nursing home. By the time this is all said and done, we the

> caregivers

> > are taking a beating, and no one gives a dang for us. Our families turn

> > their backs, churches just offer a prayer and that's about all, friends

> > listen a little and then, at the end of the day, if we are not sane and

> > strong, we cave in and die in the midst of this insanity. Some days I

> > cannot bear another minute of this nightmare that I am stuck in. I now am

> > at the point where, I am being convinced to take my mother home, who was

> a

> > combative person, peeing and defecating improperly in the house, lost in

> > the rooms, crying, walking out the front door, taking her clothes off,

> all

> > because America turned into a real 3rd world country that doesn't give a

> > crap for us! It just treats us like garbage and sets our elders out to

> > pasture - the people that created this great country go out like

> pariahs. I

> > guess I am angry, and it is coming across this way because, I just want

> to

> > make sure I am doing the right thing. The Nursing Home is telling me they

> > will put her into a day care program and then get us an aide in the

> > afternoon and that we will apply for comunity medicaid which we will

> have a

> > better shot at getting. I just don't want to get my 79 year old father

> sick

> > again with heart failure from caring from a woman who cannot bathe or go

> to

> > the bathroom alone. Its a lot of work! I still have to find a job and

> > honestly, no one is coming to our rescue so, its on my back along with my

> > Dad.

> > Any well-thought out advice appreciated. Best, , Long Island, NY

> > (living the nightmare since 2010)

> >

April 30, 2012

Hi, . What you've described is what I think is a caregiver's worst

nightmare. But don't give up yet.

If you haven't already, lay your cards on the table with the nursing home.

All of them. Don't let your pride or your parents' pride keep you from

being candid. Granted I am in Minnesota and it might be quite different in

NYC, but here is what I found:

- Social services in what might be considered a higher end suburb, like

Long Island (or in my case Minnetonka) are much more helpful than in more

urban areas. Some will even come to your home to help you work things out.

- Nursing homes can be a lot more understanding when they know a

Medicaid application is pending. Some will even help you with the

application.

- Your banker and your parents' banker could be your best friends. Ask

them to pull copies of account activity for the past year or, if they can,

the past two years. Sometimes an item on a statement can spur your memory

as to what it was for, which will help when you are trying to justify

expenses.

- Likewise, a lot of medical supply stores keep a record of what you

have bought from them. Check with them to find out if you can get those

records.

- Any expense on your financial reports that can be attributed to

caregiving, even Depends, is a medical expense.

- If your dad is a veteran, ask the county social worker to refer you to

county veterans' services. If you try to work with the federal offices,

you'll get even more frustrated and will probably be denied benefits on the

first try.

- Strange as it seems, the better you present yourself and your parents,

the more helpful the social services office is, at least here. You know

that thing about not looking like you need the job when you have an

interview? It can be the same with social workers.

- Don't let your parents balk at Medicaid, which can also be called

Medical Assistance. Remind them of all of the taxes they've paid over

their lifetime and that this is what those taxes pay for.

- Don't rely on lawyers for everything (though I suspect you already

know this). I was lucky. The lawyer who prepared our end of life

paperwork knew our financial situation. He told me that his office could

handle the Medicaid application, but that I would probably do just as well

myself. (Also a big-deal legal firm.) So I did it myself. If the hours I

spent on it had been billable hours, it would have been disastrous. But I,

again, was lucky. Our attorney even let me call and email him with

questions without billing me. He really liked my mom and made allowances.

- Be honest, even candid, with people about your situation. I've found

out over the years that people make the assumption that you are OK unless

you tell them you are not. I was once thanked by a pastor for letting him

help me when I was in a bad place. That has stayed with me for many

years. People usually want to help, but they need to be told that help is

needed and how to help.

- When the stress becomes too much and you are getting frustrated with

something, walk away - even if it is just for 10 minutes. If you lose it

with someone, they are much less likely to want to help you. If you can

walk away for a day - even better. The problems will still be there

tomorrow, when you are in better shape to deal with them.

- I used to kick-box, on doctor's orders, to relieve stress. I had to

stop when I had surgery for a disc that had totally disappeared. But while

I was doing it, I felt a lot better. There is something about hitting

something (or with protective gear, someone) that releases tension. But

the same could be said of just about any strenuous exercise. My nephew

says running really helps him.

It's pretty obvious your former boss is an ass. Don't let his behavior

sour you on all religion, though. There are lots of good people, and a few

bad ones, that fervently practice their religion. And bad people can make

a big show of religion without being struck down with a lightening bolt.

That doesn't mean the religion is bad. It means the person is bad.

I don't belong to a church, but I do believe in God. And one thing I can

say with conviction is that you need to believe in something more powerful

than yourself to get through this. I've survived quite a few disasters in

my life, including three job losses and the loss of my father at a young

age. Strangely, every loss had resulted (eventually) in something good in

my life. Knowing that has helped me survive. And knowing that I can

survive keeps me moving forward.

Now. Rip up a pillow or a book. Then take some deep breaths and let them

out slowly. Now you're ready to give it another try.

Kate