Guest guest Posted January 31, 2012 Report Share Posted January 31, 2012 It is NOT your fault. My Mom fell when there were people in the room and once when I started toward the door and stopped to talk. She fell off three steps. She didn't happen to break her leg. I am sorry your husband was in pain. As caregivers, we can't do every thing. I am so sorry he died and you didn't have time to prepare, if that is possible. No matter what, we are not prepared and not responsible. We just do the best we can for as long as we can. Stay with us.  Let us know how you are.  Hugs,  Donna R My Husband's death  My husband, , died one week ago today (Wed.,Jan. 25, 2012). He fell and broke his leg on Sunday, Jan 22 and that was a catalyst for a cascading set of events which resulted in his death. I wasn't ready, I'm angry and wracked with guilt about leaving him alone in his chair while I showered. He would not have been trying to walk on his own if I had been in the room. I know I'm to blame for his fall and ultimately his death. Wasn't the loss of his cognitive function enough? Why did he have to suffer excruciating physical pain on top of everything else. Why did this happen to him? So unfair, so cruel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 31, 2012 Report Share Posted January 31, 2012 My condolences on the passing of your husband. I am also very sorry that you both had to suffer this final indignity that LBD brought about. Please don’t blame yourself. When I was caring for my mom I dropped her a number of times. Don’t allow one incident to wipe away all the care you did give your husband. Blame and second guessing is very much a part of the grieving process. Please be kind to yourself. Sending you strength. Courage From: pjaj1951 Sent: Wednesday, February 01, 2012 12:07 AM To: LBDcaregivers Subject: My Husband's death My husband, , died one week ago today (Wed.,Jan. 25, 2012). He fell and broke his leg on Sunday, Jan 22 and that was a catalyst for a cascading set of events which resulted in his death. I wasn't ready, I'm angry and wracked with guilt about leaving him alone in his chair while I showered. He would not have been trying to walk on his own if I had been in the room. I know I'm to blame for his fall and ultimately his death. Wasn't the loss of his cognitive function enough? Why did he have to suffer excruciating physical pain on top of everything else. Why did this happen to him? So unfair, so cruel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 1, 2012 Report Share Posted February 1, 2012 First, my sincere condolences on the loss of your husband. Second, it is not your fault that fell. It was the fault of Lewy Body. My mother fell with great regularity throughout the early stages of her decline. After she could no longer walk and was in a wheelchair, she still managed to fall, even with others sitting next to her. It happened so quickly that no one was able to stop the fall. Lewy Body alone is responsible for this. We do the best we can under very difficult conditions. Please do not feel guilt. Take time to mourn, without feeling guilt, while holding the warm memories of close to you. Best wishes, Lynn in Florida > > My husband, , died one week ago today (Wed.,Jan. 25, 2012). He fell and broke his leg on Sunday, Jan 22 and that was a catalyst for a cascading set of events which resulted in his death. I wasn't ready, I'm angry and wracked with guilt about leaving him alone in his chair while I showered. He would not have been trying to walk on his own if I had been in the room. I know I'm to blame for his fall and ultimately his death. Wasn't the loss of his cognitive function enough? Why did he have to suffer excruciating physical pain on top of everything else. Why did this happen to him? So unfair, so cruel. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 1, 2012 Report Share Posted February 1, 2012 It is not your fault. You did not make him get out of that chair. You did not create the impetus for him to get out of that chair. I'm sure you've showered before without anything happening to . Think of the care you've given him throughout not just your LBD journey but throughout your marriage. I know it sounds awful, but think of what his passing has spared him. Would he have wanted to experience all of the things you've heard discussed here? It's only natural to go through the " If only I'd... " stage. But if you are blaming yourself for anything, learn to forgive yourself. If others are blaming you, discount what they are saying. They weren't there. You were. Mostly, find help moving through your grief. You can't move " past " or " around " it. You need to go through it. Have you talked with a grief counselor or sat in on a grief support group? Working with someone like this will help you understand your feelings and accept them. Support through this email group is great. But this is the time to talk with someone who can hold your hand and give you a real hug. You can't do this in isolation. Please accept my condolences on your loss and my wishes for your recovery. Kate > ** > > > My husband, , died one week ago today (Wed.,Jan. 25, 2012). He fell > and broke his leg on Sunday, Jan 22 and that was a catalyst for a cascading > set of events which resulted in his death. I wasn't ready, I'm angry and > wracked with guilt about leaving him alone in his chair while I showered. > He would not have been trying to walk on his own if I had been in the room. > I know I'm to blame for his fall and ultimately his death. Wasn't the loss > of his cognitive function enough? Why did he have to suffer excruciating > physical pain on top of everything else. Why did this happen to him? So > unfair, so cruel. > > > -- Kate Knapp, OIT University of Minnesota You were born with certain gifts and talents. In kindergarten you were taught to share. The world needs all of the gifts it can get. Don’t be shy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 1, 2012 Report Share Posted February 1, 2012 It is not your fault, believe that. When my husband was placed in a nursing home, I suffered all kinds of guilt. Even though everyone assured me that I shouldn't feel that way, I did. Time has given me perspective and I know now that I did the best I could for him, I needed more help, and he was better off in a facility with 24 hour care. You could not have been everywhere at the same time, you were caring for him the best you could and you shouldn't have to beat your self up over it. Please try to set it aside, I know it is difficult but if you can't get past this feeling perhaps you will want to find some grief counseling. Even a small town newspaper might have grievance support groups or a pastor, even a good friend to talk to. Check with your state's " Office for the Aging " . You are not alone in your feelings--my husband did not fall and break his leg but I felt the guilt. Take care of yourself now, that is your job now. Things don't happen for no reason and while you are wondering why this would have happened, God puts all the pieces together for us after a while. When the pain of his death is sharp now, it will soften and good memories will fill in those spaces and make you remember him in better times. Take care. Leona: Caregiver for husband Ray, age 68, diagnosed 2/04 with Parkinson's Disease. Changed doctors, diagnosed 6/06 with LBD. Almost continual downhill slide no matter what drugs we try. 5/2/08 Ray was placed in Sunrise Nursing Home in Oswego, NY, 1 hour from home. So far, so good! Hardest thing I have ever done in my life, however. 3/19/09 transferred to Samaritan Keep NH in Watertown, NY closer to home. He passed peacefully at 5:18 am on April 14, 2009. I am handling it OK. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 1, 2012 Report Share Posted February 1, 2012 My deepest condolences to you on your husband's death. Please know that it wasn't your fault.... this could have happened even if you were one step away from him. Wishing you strength to get you through this very difficult time, and I hope you find peace. Sincerely, Helene in NY > > My husband, , died one week ago today (Wed.,Jan. 25, 2012). He fell and broke his leg on Sunday, Jan 22 and that was a catalyst for a cascading set of events which resulted in his death. I wasn't ready, I'm angry and wracked with guilt about leaving him alone in his chair while I showered. He would not have been trying to walk on his own if I had been in the room. I know I'm to blame for his fall and ultimately his death. Wasn't the loss of his cognitive function enough? Why did he have to suffer excruciating physical pain on top of everything else. Why did this happen to him? So unfair, so cruel. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 1, 2012 Report Share Posted February 1, 2012 Sending you condolences on the loss of your husband . May you soon only remember the good times and not the terrible journey of LBD. This has been a constant battle with my mom for several years now. She has fallen so many, many times. She, like your husband, cannot understand the simple command of staying seated. And since it's against the law to restrain someone, and no one can possibly be watched 24/7, what happens just happens. That's the Lewy Body. You aren't to blame for his falling. But yes, it is not fair and it is cruel that our LO's suffer the many indignities and pain of Lewy Body. It makes you just want to scream some days!. Please know you did your best and that's all you can do. Marcie _____ From: LBDcaregivers [mailto:LBDcaregivers ] On Behalf Of pjaj1951 Sent: Wednesday, February 01, 2012 12:08 AM To: LBDcaregivers Subject: My Husband's death My husband, , died one week ago today (Wed.,Jan. 25, 2012). He fell and broke his leg on Sunday, Jan 22 and that was a catalyst for a cascading set of events which resulted in his death. I wasn't ready, I'm angry and wracked with guilt about leaving him alone in his chair while I showered. He would not have been trying to walk on his own if I had been in the room. I know I'm to blame for his fall and ultimately his death. Wasn't the loss of his cognitive function enough? Why did he have to suffer excruciating physical pain on top of everything else. Why did this happen to him? So unfair, so cruel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 1, 2012 Report Share Posted February 1, 2012 Sending you condolences on the loss of your husband . May you soon only remember the good times and not the terrible journey of LBD. This has been a constant battle with my mom for several years now. She has fallen so many, many times. She, like your husband, cannot understand the simple command of staying seated. And since it's against the law to restrain someone, and no one can possibly be watched 24/7, what happens just happens. That's the Lewy Body. You aren't to blame for his falling. But yes, it is not fair and it is cruel that our LO's suffer the many indignities and pain of Lewy Body. It makes you just want to scream some days!. Please know you did your best and that's all you can do. Marcie _____ From: LBDcaregivers [mailto:LBDcaregivers ] On Behalf Of pjaj1951 Sent: Wednesday, February 01, 2012 12:08 AM To: LBDcaregivers Subject: My Husband's death My husband, , died one week ago today (Wed.,Jan. 25, 2012). He fell and broke his leg on Sunday, Jan 22 and that was a catalyst for a cascading set of events which resulted in his death. I wasn't ready, I'm angry and wracked with guilt about leaving him alone in his chair while I showered. He would not have been trying to walk on his own if I had been in the room. I know I'm to blame for his fall and ultimately his death. Wasn't the loss of his cognitive function enough? Why did he have to suffer excruciating physical pain on top of everything else. Why did this happen to him? So unfair, so cruel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 1, 2012 Report Share Posted February 1, 2012 Sending you condolences on the loss of your husband . May you soon only remember the good times and not the terrible journey of LBD. This has been a constant battle with my mom for several years now. She has fallen so many, many times. She, like your husband, cannot understand the simple command of staying seated. And since it's against the law to restrain someone, and no one can possibly be watched 24/7, what happens just happens. That's the Lewy Body. You aren't to blame for his falling. But yes, it is not fair and it is cruel that our LO's suffer the many indignities and pain of Lewy Body. It makes you just want to scream some days!. Please know you did your best and that's all you can do. Marcie _____ From: LBDcaregivers [mailto:LBDcaregivers ] On Behalf Of pjaj1951 Sent: Wednesday, February 01, 2012 12:08 AM To: LBDcaregivers Subject: My Husband's death My husband, , died one week ago today (Wed.,Jan. 25, 2012). He fell and broke his leg on Sunday, Jan 22 and that was a catalyst for a cascading set of events which resulted in his death. I wasn't ready, I'm angry and wracked with guilt about leaving him alone in his chair while I showered. He would not have been trying to walk on his own if I had been in the room. I know I'm to blame for his fall and ultimately his death. Wasn't the loss of his cognitive function enough? Why did he have to suffer excruciating physical pain on top of everything else. Why did this happen to him? So unfair, so cruel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 1, 2012 Report Share Posted February 1, 2012 My husband died on December 22, 24 hours after coming down with a stomach virus. Falls and illnesses other than LBD are a very common way that demetia patients succumb. Survivor guilt is also common. Please, please, please do not give into it! I know the thoughts that come with the death of a loved one, but you took care of him the best that you could. You are entitled to a shower, for goodness sake! My husband fell numerous times in the last year of his life, but did not have fragile bones, so nothing was broken. I prayed fervently that he would be taken before the last stages of this dreadful disease as my father was taken by pneumonia before the last stages of Alzheimers. I thank God in both cases, even though I still grieve their loss to our family. As the memories of the last years begin to fade (and they will), may you remember your husband as the vigorous man he was before LBD robbed him of his health and mental faculties. If guilt threatens to overwhelm, please consider a survivor support group. There are some great ones out there. Cassie Primary caregiver to husband Maurice for 5 years To: LBDcaregivers From: mbosack@... Date: Wed, 1 Feb 2012 10:41:49 -0500 Subject: RE: My Husband's death Sending you condolences on the loss of your husband . May you soon only remember the good times and not the terrible journey of LBD. This has been a constant battle with my mom for several years now. She has fallen so many, many times. She, like your husband, cannot understand the simple command of staying seated. And since it's against the law to restrain someone, and no one can possibly be watched 24/7, what happens just happens. That's the Lewy Body. You aren't to blame for his falling. But yes, it is not fair and it is cruel that our LO's suffer the many indignities and pain of Lewy Body. It makes you just want to scream some days!. Please know you did your best and that's all you can do. Marcie _____ From: LBDcaregivers [mailto:LBDcaregivers ] On Behalf Of pjaj1951 Sent: Wednesday, February 01, 2012 12:08 AM To: LBDcaregivers Subject: My Husband's death My husband, , died one week ago today (Wed.,Jan. 25, 2012). He fell and broke his leg on Sunday, Jan 22 and that was a catalyst for a cascading set of events which resulted in his death. I wasn't ready, I'm angry and wracked with guilt about leaving him alone in his chair while I showered. He would not have been trying to walk on his own if I had been in the room. I know I'm to blame for his fall and ultimately his death. Wasn't the loss of his cognitive function enough? Why did he have to suffer excruciating physical pain on top of everything else. Why did this happen to him? So unfair, so cruel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 1, 2012 Report Share Posted February 1, 2012 Cassie expressed it wonderfully. Please don't blame yourself. You could have been a foot away from him and it still could have happened...we can't be at their side every second, and if we were it would be all the more humiliating for them. You ARE entitled to a shower. Self-care is important too. I hate to see you guilting yourself this way. I wish I could stop that way of thinking for you. LBD was the catalyst for his death. Please try to realize that, and not think that you were the catalyst. I strongly urge you to check out a grief group, or individual grief counseling. You need to get this in the proper perspective, and you may just be too close to it to do that. My thoughts are with you, and I am terribly sorry for your loss. Lori My Husband's death > > > > My husband, , died one week ago today (Wed.,Jan. 25, 2012). He fell > > and broke his leg on Sunday, Jan 22 and that was a catalyst for a > cascading > > set of events which resulted in his death. I wasn't ready, I'm angry and > > wracked with guilt about leaving him alone in his chair while I showered. > He > > would not have been trying to walk on his own if I had been in the room. I > > know I'm to blame for his fall and ultimately his death. Wasn't the loss > of > > his cognitive function enough? Why did he have to suffer excruciating > > physical pain on top of everything else. Why did this happen to him? So > > unfair, so cruel. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 1, 2012 Report Share Posted February 1, 2012 I am so sorry for your loss. Do not blame yourself for what happened as we can only do the best we can with what we have at the time. It is not easy to care for someone with LBD and this fall could have stopped him from suffering from more later on. We do all we can as caregivers and we love our loved one as much as we can. We are not in a perfect situation where all goes just perfect everyday. Along the 11 years I took care of my husband there were things that I and the caregivers did, that just happen when there are so many issues to watch. Even my poor little dog ate one of the pills that we dropped and the dog was faster than the human to pick it up. Take care of yourself, your husband's time was here to leave this earth and you are not to blame. Bernie Ford Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 1, 2012 Report Share Posted February 1, 2012 My sincere condolences on the loss of your husband. It is never easy. I lost my husband a year ago on January 22. Please don't blame yourself, you have to care for yourself too. Your health and well being is also important. I once had to strap my husband into a wheelchair, so I could cook dinner without him attempting to stand up and still that didn't work. He rocked the wheelchair back and forth until he and the wheelchair went over and he was tied into it. It was awful and I had to get him back up again and into the wheelchair. Nothing about LBD is easy, and chances are this would have happened with you there. Please don't second guess what could have been, it is not your fault. My thoughts are with you. Peace be with you, Jan Colello To: LBDcaregivers Sent: Tuesday, January 31, 2012 9:07 PM Subject: My Husband's death My husband, , died one week ago today (Wed.,Jan. 25, 2012). He fell and broke his leg on Sunday, Jan 22 and that was a catalyst for a cascading set of events which resulted in his death. I wasn't ready, I'm angry and wracked with guilt about leaving him alone in his chair while I showered. He would not have been trying to walk on his own if I had been in the room. I know I'm to blame for his fall and ultimately his death. Wasn't the loss of his cognitive function enough? Why did he have to suffer excruciating physical pain on top of everything else. Why did this happen to him? So unfair, so cruel. ------------------------------------ Welcome to LBDcaregivers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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