I'm terrified to be here again!

April 5, 2012

I was a member here some years ago after my Dad was diagnosed with this horrible

thing, awhile after having pacemaker surgery. We didn't see it at the time, but

looking back, right after the surgery he was different.

Dad spent about seven years in a nursing home and passed away in 2010 at age 72.

But he was lost to us way before that; he was always happy to see us, but hadn't

spoken in at least a year. I think in the end, I blame the meds for his lack of

communication. But I know he would have eventually been lost to us with or

without drugs. Even before he lost his ability to communicate, he had left

before that, he wasn't making sense.

Now...it's my Mom! How unfair is it for one family to be dealt this hand twice

in one lifetime?

Mom has lived with us for about a year and a half, and woke up early on the

morning of March 17th. She was putting on a pair of pants, lost her balance and

thunk! She was in the basement, we were on the second floor. It was 4:45 a.m.,

and we heard it. Her hip was broken.

She had surgery two days later, had the hip replaced. So it's been nearly three

weeks. My calm, strong Mom who was shoveling snow the day before has been in a

hospital bed for over two weeks now. Her muscles are hanging off her body. More

importantly, her brain is gone off the deep end. Many of those days in hospital,

she's confused about where/why she's there. She's a light sleeper, and if she

doesn't get a good night's sleep I've seen that she's really confused the next

day.

It's been a roller coaster. Some days are good, some not.

Yesterday she was like herself, only the second time I've seen her as herself. I

went to the hospital very early this morning, again she was like herself. I was

hopeful, we're getting through this. But the hospital called me tonight, I

talked to her she's all fouled up again, thinks she's in a different time/place,

very agitated, thinks she's in a police station.

In short, I'm terrified. I can't do this again, but yet I have to, there is no

one else. My brother lives away, it's only myself, my husband and my six year

old here. I'm not a crier by nature, but...well, I am.

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