Re: Hitting, behaviors, etc - Kate

[Guest guest]

Kate, the important thing to remember, which echoes what you have written, is

that we cannot insist they remain in our world. It isn't possible. It is we

who must adjust to their world, no matter how uncomfortable that may become.

My mother passed in March. One of the residents in her ALF (they have a special

unit for advanced dementia residents and adhere to aging in place policies)

always believed she knew my mother when they both lived in New York City. Of

course, she did not. But, her memory of my mother walking to church each Sunday

was vivid in her mind and she often shared the stories with me. I still go to

visit others who remain there, as well as staff members who were so vital to

Mom's comfort and my coping, and see this resident each time. I always stop to

ask how she is (she is getting very frail and weak but is still able to do some

ADLs) and she always asks how Mom is. Each time, I tell her that Mom is just

fine and she smiles from ear to ear to hear that. I will never tell her that

Mom passed because I don't think it would serve any helpful purpose. Her face

lights up as her question is answered...why would anyone take that away from

her? Staff knows this is my choice and, hopefully, no one else will say

anything contrary to that.

I found it necessary to take some steps back in order to adjust to losing Mom.

It's always nice to see your comments, as well as others, posted when I do

visit.

It is less important for a person with dementia to see loved places, family and

friends than it is to remember them with him. When it gets to the later stages

of dementia, they don't need to see how they each are crumbling. They need to

remember themselves and their friends as they were when they were healthy and

happy and felt they were doing something of great importance.