Guest guest Posted September 26, 2008 Report Share Posted September 26, 2008 Hello Dodge, That is so moving. I'm sure a 'very good and healthy sign' though sad. Because in seeing and crying 'for your pain' it means the boys are identifying and having some release for themselves which otherwise they may mind hard to do. To acknowledge their own pain and hurt (interestingly also note you said angry too, that would also fit) might not be so easy especially if in their previou home setting they would need to keep it hidden, but they surely do need to, for their long term health and development. Perhaps you could just say in answer to their questions that 'some bad things happened to you that were not your fault'. That might also give them a framework for dealing and talking about their own trauma in their own good time. So your loving family has increased in size.Good luck to you all. Chris UK PS I venture this from heartfelt personal experience.Our dear son and daughter (not sibs) joined our family by adoption when young chidren, and their early major trauma and life disruptions has given their life journeys many extra struggles. As our daughter said aged about 9,wen she was giving us a very hard time. I am really a nice person that bad things happened to!! (She was powerfully acting out the bad) She has developed into a beautiful and caring young woman, and we are soon to be grandparents.) Our son is still bravely struggling at 28.He is a lovely young man. From: Dodge <medicdodge@...> Subject: [ ] Sad, but not sad... chronic_pain_assistance , , ra-factor , fibromyalgia_support_group , LUPIES Date: Friday, 26 September, 2008, 5:22 AM I told the boys they could go play for a while before bed, and they went off to do there own thing. Their father did not set any kind of rules, no example, and they've never had a bedtime. For right now, we're letting them go to bed when we do, as long as they do it without whining, questioning, snivveling or begging. So far, so good. Well, the boys went off to play and I noticed that it was really, really quiet, so I told Rod to find out what they were up to. He found them in their room crying. When he asked them what was wrong, they told him that they were very upset because of me. He probed a bit further and found out that the reason they were upset was because of my burns, injuries and AI diseases and the pain I am in. It is obvious to them. They see me at my worst, every day, and it makes them angry. They were telling him how it wasn't fair, and why did I have to have all this pain. Why couldn't it be their father who deserved it? Well, to say I was/am moved in an understatement. I don't know what to tell them about why I have this pain. Because it's my burden to bare and I must bare it like a man? Nah, they might not understand. Because the creator wishes it be so? Nah, they might not want a religious life with the creator... I don't know... I just don't know. What I do know is that if I had any doubts that our home is where they belonged, I no longer have them. -- Dodge " I make the living, my dog makes the living worthwhile. " Read my blog at: http://jumpthis. wordpress. com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 26, 2008 Report Share Posted September 26, 2008 Thanks Chris: You helped to put things into perspective. You don't know how valuable your words have been. -- Dodge " I make the living, my dog makes the living worthwhile. " Read my blog at: http://jumpthis.wordpress.com ---- Petheram <chris65peth@...> wrote: ============= Hello Dodge, That is so moving. I'm sure a 'very good and healthy sign' though sad. Because in seeing and crying 'for your pain' it means the boys  are identifying and having some release for themselves which otherwise they may mind hard to do. To acknowledge their own pain and hurt (interestingly also note you said angry too, that would also fit) might not be so easy especially if in their previou home setting they would need to keep it hidden, but they surely do need to, for their long term health and development. Perhaps you could just say in answer to their questions that 'some bad things happened to you that were not your fault'. That might also give them a framework for dealing and talking about their own trauma in their own good time. So your loving family has increased in size.Good luck to you all. Chris UK PS I venture this from heartfelt personal experience.Our dear son and daughter (not sibs) joined our family by adoption when young chidren, and their early major trauma and life disruptions has given their life journeys many extra struggles. As our daughter said aged about 9,wen she was giving us a very hard time. I am really a nice person that bad things happened to!! (She was powerfully acting out the bad) She has developed into a beautiful and caring young woman, and we are soon to be grandparents.) Our son is still bravely struggling at 28.He is a lovely young man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 26, 2008 Report Share Posted September 26, 2008 Dodge, I wonder if these boys ever had anyone who cared if they were upset or not? I am so glad they do now. Like said, it is a good thing that they can see through you, life isn't fair but it isn't anything that you have done. Maybe they can relate it to themselves. It's not where we live, what we have, or what we are going through, but having someone care and share those things that matters most. And then there were four. God bless, you and Rod. I ask him for guidance, knowledge and understanding for the two of you. May your home will be filled with peace and love. Shirley > > I told the boys they could go play for a while before bed, and they went off to do there own thing. Their father did not set any kind of rules, no example, and they've never had a bedtime. For right now, we're letting them go to bed when we do, as long as they do it without whining, questioning, snivveling or begging. So far, so good. > > Well, the boys went off to play and I noticed that it was really, really quiet, so I told Rod to find out what they were up to. He found them in their room crying. When he asked them what was wrong, they told him that they were very upset because of me. He probed a bit further and found out that the reason they were upset was because of my burns, injuries and AI diseases and the pain I am in. It is obvious to them. They see me at my worst, every day, and it makes them angry. They were telling him how it wasn't fair, and why did I have to have all this pain. Why couldn't it be their father who deserved it? Well, to say I was/am moved in an understatement. > > I don't know what to tell them about why I have this pain. Because it's my burden to bare and I must bare it like a man? Nah, they might not understand. Because the creator wishes it be so? Nah, they might not want a religious life with the creator... I don't know... I just don't know. > > What I do know is that if I had any doubts that our home is where they belonged, I no longer have them. > > -- > Dodge > > " I make the living, my dog makes the living worthwhile. " > > Read my blog at: > http://jumpthis.wordpress.com > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 26, 2008 Report Share Posted September 26, 2008 " Like said, it is a good thing that they can see through you, life isn't fair but it isn't anything that you have done. Maybe they can relate it to themselves. " Yep, those are some wonderful words. Oh, and Dodge, What you and Rod are doing is a selfless act that will have countless positive impacts on these young boys. Remember that when they act out and they will. And even when they get older and just do the normal teenage stuff. I've seen hundreds if not thousands of grandparents, aunts/uncles, other siblings take in children who's parents could not take care of them due to drugs, jail time, abandonment. Let's say I worked in interesting departments in Social Services... . A couple of things to remember to save your own(and Rods) sanity. These children do not come with an instruction manual, and there are no one size fits all, so like any first time parent, you get to learn as you go. Schedules, boundaries, limits within reason are a very good thing for children who have never had them. Oh, and bedtime being the same as for you and Rod is fine. It is just a loose bedtime, not a hard and fast one. Church is a good idea, don't force it, stress the social aspect, Sunday school, youth group, taking trips with the other children their age at the church. Just try follow through on any commitment you make to the boys as far as going on social trips, and even simple things like going for ice cream as a family. These children have lived with a lot of disappointment, most likely you will have to ask if they want to go with the church or school trip, and you will have to reassure them that they will be going. Follow through and learning trust is one thing that if you and Rod work on with them, the teenage years will be easier. Okay and I " m going to pull out my counselor badge now.... sorry.... I don't think you need this but. Don't have too many rules. Three is a good number, Five is pushing it. An idea of a vague, but sanity saving rule is: if you can't keep your room clean, keep the door shut. Oh, you laugh. But it's true. Keeping your sense of humor is important. Don't set unrealistic expectations, that people can't do its just maddening. What is it from that Pirate movie, " They aren't really rules per se, there are more like guidelines. " Well, since I have my work hat on. If you and Rod need any help with the $$ and insurance end of things. If you are going through Care, they should help you out with that. You may not need the money, but health, dental and vision can get expensive. Just letting you know it's available. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 26, 2008 Report Share Posted September 26, 2008 You're a good man Dodge. The boys are very lucky to have you and Rod. Just take one day at a time and you'll find the right words to say. I hope everything turns out for the better for you and your new family. > > I told the boys they could go play for a while before bed, and they went off to do there own thing. Their father did not set any kind of rules, no example, and they've never had a bedtime. For right now, we're letting them go to bed when we do, as long as they do it without whining, questioning, snivveling or begging. So far, so good. > > Well, the boys went off to play and I noticed that it was really, really quiet, so I told Rod to find out what they were up to. He found them in their room crying. When he asked them what was wrong, they told him that they were very upset because of me. He probed a bit further and found out that the reason they were upset was because of my burns, injuries and AI diseases and the pain I am in. It is obvious to them. They see me at my worst, every day, and it makes them angry. They were telling him how it wasn't fair, and why did I have to have all this pain. Why couldn't it be their father who deserved it? Well, to say I was/am moved in an understatement. > > I don't know what to tell them about why I have this pain. Because it's my burden to bare and I must bare it like a man? Nah, they might not understand. Because the creator wishes it be so? Nah, they might not want a religious life with the creator... I don't know... I just don't know. > > What I do know is that if I had any doubts that our home is where they belonged, I no longer have them. > > -- > Dodge > > " I make the living, my dog makes the living worthwhile. " > > Read my blog at: > http://jumpthis.wordpress.com > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 26, 2008 Report Share Posted September 26, 2008 God Bless you and Rod for giving these boys a loving home. They obviously care for you, that's a really good sign. And, they can see that someone else has pain, they can feel sympathy. Also a very good sign, they are not self-centered, so emotionally damaged that they can't relate. What to tell them? I'd say life isn't fair, bad things happen to good people. When it happens to you, you just keep going, try to deal with it. That how you deal with the bad things in life shows what kind of a person you are. I'd add in that you believe in God, and that you believe God will help you deal with whatever happens to you. You'll have to address your beliefs and spirituality eventually, this could be the opening you need. The greatest gift you could give these boys might just be inner strength and a belief system that will support them when they need it. I am sure you have some tough times ahead (that's true with any children, let alone ones that have been through the bad times these boys have!) but I hope they bring you the joy that you can only know from raising kids - the joy that comes when they learn something new, when they grow and become strong men. God be with you, South Pasadena, CA / Lilydale, MN You can see my galleries at http://www.pbase.com/arenared986 M. Schulz - " All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt. " On Thu, Sep 25, 2008 at 11:22 PM, Dodge <medicdodge@...> wrote: > I told the boys they could go play for a while before bed, and they went off > to do there own thing. Their father did not set any kind of rules, no > example, and they've never had a bedtime. For right now, we're letting them > go to bed when we do, as long as they do it without whining, questioning, > snivveling or begging. So far, so good. > > Well, the boys went off to play and I noticed that it was really, really > quiet, so I told Rod to find out what they were up to. He found them in > their room crying. When he asked them what was wrong, they told him that > they were very upset because of me. He probed a bit further and found out > that the reason they were upset was because of my burns, injuries and AI > diseases and the pain I am in. It is obvious to them. They see me at my > worst, every day, and it makes them angry. They were telling him how it > wasn't fair, and why did I have to have all this pain. Why couldn't it be > their father who deserved it? Well, to say I was/am moved in an > understatement. > > I don't know what to tell them about why I have this pain. Because it's my > burden to bare and I must bare it like a man? Nah, they might not > understand. Because the creator wishes it be so? Nah, they might not want a > religious life with the creator... I don't know... I just don't know. > > What I do know is that if I had any doubts that our home is where they > belonged, I no longer have them. > > -- > Dodge > > " I make the living, my dog makes the living worthwhile. " > > Read my blog at: > http://jumpthis.wordpress.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 26, 2008 Report Share Posted September 26, 2008 Who is Rod and Dodge? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 26, 2008 Report Share Posted September 26, 2008 (Dodge, I hope you don't mind me reprinting this!) Pat, This was our introduction to Dodge on Aug. 5, 2008. We immediately took him into our hearts and souls. He and Rod are quite remarkable. If you would like to see more of his post you can do a serch in the Messages section of the Group RA-Support with just Dodge in the search. Shirley Hi all: I'll attempt to do this in sequence... About me... I am a 32-year-old firefighter, with an emphasis on wildland, forest and brush fires, a paramedic, both in an ambulance and in a helicopter and a National Park Law Enforcement ranger. I work each job a week at a time. When I am too ill to do those things, I work in the EMS dispatch center. Almost three years ago, in a wildland fire gone horribly wrong, I sustained 4th and 5th degree burns over 85% of my body. In short, I was burned so badly that my organs and bones were burned. Hence my saying frequently that I am glad to be able to work and be alive. I am truly lucky to be here. While at the burn center, my doctors discovered that I had Ankylosing Spondylitis, Lupus, SJ, Fibro and RSD. Both my rheumatologists and my docs at the burn center feel that my AI diseases were in part brought out due to the fire. Fires emit a lot of toxic chemicals. When I am not working, (work is my greatest passion), I am spending time off-duty with my partner Rod, who is also a medic. We have three horses, twelve dogs, some rabbits and a half-feral coyote. We travel a lot, shoot for fun, blog, live in the backcountry when we can, play video games and read... I love a good book. Well, I'll close for now. I am looking forward to getting to know all of you out there in land. -- Dodge Truly blessed to serve in E.M.S! > > Who is Rod and Dodge? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 26, 2008 Report Share Posted September 26, 2008 Hi Dodge - How awesome that you and Rod have taken those boys under your wings. As far as their upset over your burns and pain, all you can do is tell them the truth. I believe they are old enough to understand the truth - told in such a way as to spare them ALL the details, but enough to answer their questions. Find the blessing in your story - how God spared your life....(you fill in the blanks). Let them know that our God will never give us more than we can bear - no matter how unbearable it may seem at times. I believe that if you pray on it, God will guide your answers. Perhaps even that you are alive today in order to be the best parent you can be for them in their time of need. Best of luck to you........Doreen I told the boys they could go play for a while before bed, and they went off to do there own thing. Their father did not set any kind of rules, no example, and they've never had a bedtime. For right now, we're letting them go to bed when we do, as long as they do it without whining, questioning, snivveling or begging. So far, so good. Well, the boys went off to play and I noticed that it was really, really quiet, so I told Rod to find out what they were up to. He found them in their room crying. When he asked them what was wrong, they told him that they were very upset because of me. He probed a bit further and found out that the reason they were upset was because of my burns, injuries and AI diseases and the pain I am in. It is obvious to them. They see me at my worst, every day, and it makes them angry. They were telling him how it wasn't fair, and why did I have to have all this pain. Why couldn't it be their father who deserved it? Well, to say I was/am moved in an understatement. I don't know what to tell them about why I have this pain. Because it's my burden to bare and I must bare it like a man? Nah, they might not understand. Because the creator wishes it be so? Nah, they might not want a religious life with the creator... I don't know... I just don't know. What I do know is that if I had any doubts that our home is where they belonged, I no longer have them. -- Dodge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 26, 2008 Report Share Posted September 26, 2008 Dodge, Those boys need someone they can look up to, and that is you, and Rod. They have a chance now, and I'm so glad their reaching out. They are not lashing out, but able to show their emotions, and that is wonderful. A lot of kids that have been in a bad home environment, its to late to help them. These boys are already loving you, and they care about you. I read your post, and it brought tears to my eyes. Your such a caring person, with a big heart, you have a lot to give. Just put your arms around them, and love them, Tawny > > I told the boys they could go play for a while before bed, and they went off to do there own thing. Their father did not set any kind of rules, no example, and they've never had a bedtime. For right now, we're letting them go to bed when we do, as long as they do it without whining, questioning, snivveling or begging. So far, so good. > > Well, the boys went off to play and I noticed that it was really, really quiet, so I told Rod to find out what they were up to. He found them in their room crying. When he asked them what was wrong, they told him that they were very upset because of me. He probed a bit further and found out that the reason they were upset was because of my burns, injuries and AI diseases and the pain I am in. It is obvious to them. They see me at my worst, every day, and it makes them angry. They were telling him how it wasn't fair, and why did I have to have all this pain. Why couldn't it be their father who deserved it? Well, to say I was/am moved in an understatement. > > I don't know what to tell them about why I have this pain. Because it's my burden to bare and I must bare it like a man? Nah, they might not understand. Because the creator wishes it be so? Nah, they might not want a religious life with the creator... I don't know... I just don't know. > > What I do know is that if I had any doubts that our home is where they belonged, I no longer have them. > > -- > Dodge > > " I make the living, my dog makes the living worthwhile. " > > Read my blog at: > http://jumpthis.wordpress.com > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 26, 2008 Report Share Posted September 26, 2008 Nope, I don't mind. Saves me from having to do it, or worse, having to write it out again. <yawn> I'm soooooo sleepy. This lying around all day drugged up on sedatives is making me tired. I WANNA GO BACK TO WORK!!! I hope there's no group penalty for whining. Wait! What's that? Brownies? Rod made brownies? Byeeee -- Dodge " I make the living, my dog makes the living worthwhile. " Read my blog at: http://jumpthis.wordpress.com ---- nana2livi <s.p5315@...> wrote: ============= (Dodge, I hope you don't mind me reprinting this!) Pat, This was our introduction to Dodge on Aug. 5, 2008. We immediately took him into our hearts and souls. He and Rod are quite remarkable. If you would like to see more of his post you can do a serch in the Messages section of the Group RA-Support with just Dodge in the search. Shirley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 27, 2008 Report Share Posted September 27, 2008 Hi Dodge - Ack!! You're such a tease! Brownies?!?!? That's it - daughter wanted something to do today - guess what? We are making brownies!!! ***roflol***.........Doreen > > Nope, I don't mind. Saves me from having to do it, or worse, having to write it out again. <yawn> > > I'm soooooo sleepy. This lying around all day drugged up on sedatives is making me tired. > > I WANNA GO BACK TO WORK!!! I hope there's no group penalty for whining. > > Wait! What's that? Brownies? Rod made brownies? > > Byeeee > > -- > Dodge > > " I make the living, my dog makes the living worthwhile. " > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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