a bit grumpy/ not very good fiancee

[Guest guest]

In my opinion, I haven't been a very good fiancee to Greg lately :-

( ... I don't mean to be grumpy and snap at him, but it's hard to be

nice all the time, esp. when i'm not supposed to put up a mask with

him. Greg, my fiancee, tells me that i snap at him a lot, but it's

mainly because he's the

only one that i'm around that I don't have to constantly watch what i

say. (unless i'm at work, where i can get in trouble if i don't watch

what i say, then, i'm with him, so when i'm upset or even just " normal

hurting " , he gets the brunt of it). He's upstairs right now, (I sleep

downstairs) and we just had a 'tift' (little argument), mainly b/c i'm

tired, hurting, grumpy, and stressed out! Here's the email that I just

sent him, and I think it sums it up pretty good, or at least I hope it

does!!

subject: i love you & i'm sorry

i know that this doesn't make up for my behaviors/attitude, but I'd

like to at

least try to explain/help you understand what's going on/how I'm

feeling.

I'm sorry that I'm so grumpy so much. i do love you. you just happen

to be the

only person around a lot of the time who i feel comfortable to vent

to/at.

unfortunately, my frustrations tend to get misdirected at you (kinda

like your

frustrations about your b-day got misdirected at me yesterday...).

please try to understand that while i am in pain 24/7 ( & it is by no

means

something that i can get used to, if anything, the constant pain over-

sensitizes

my body and makes it even more sensitive to pain), right now, i am in

a

lot more

pain than normal. normal operation for me is between a 4-7.9 pain

level (on a

scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst possible pain that i can

imagine

&

according at least 1 gyno that i had in the past, I've had cramps that

hurt

worse than childbirth, so a 10 for me would be worse than that...)

Since

Wednesday, I've been in 8-10 pain on average with an all-week low of

7.5-ish. When something even

brushes up against my arm, it burns and hurts! i keep getting muscle

spasms,

and each time it happens, it hurts so much worse. Kinda like if

someone were to

have taken a hammer and hit your finger/hand really hard after your

grease burn.

And then kept hitting it over and over. you're probably thinking that

it would

eventually go numb or you'd pass out

or shoot the person or something, but you can't. It just keeps

getting worse

and worse each time the hammer hits, or each time a muscle in my left

shoulder,

arm, forearm, wrist, hand, fingers, etc spasms. Actually, my whole

left side,

even right now, there are at least 2 muscles in the bottom of my foot

(1 in the

arch, & the other slightly closer to the heel that are spasming), my

shin, back

of my thigh, the forearm, my pinky and ring fingers, the muscle that

feels like

it attaches the under part of my arm to my side/boob area, the back of

my

shoulder, a muscle on the side my head near my ear, a muscle near my

eye, and probably several other places that are

too difficult for me to isolate are all spasming.

It feels like everything is just piling up! I really don't mean

to/want to

alienate you. I want you to be my most powerful ally. I want you to

be my

support. God is my rock and my foundation, but He (in my opinion) gave

you to

me so that you could personify His strength and be there for me. He

knows that

because I am a human and am in human form, that I need human comfort

and human

love. He knows that we both need that. That's why He created us for

each

other. He created man and woman to fit together, to comfort and love

each

other, to complement each other, to confide in each other, to be co-

dependent

upon one another, to pick up each other when we falter, to be each

other's

lighthouse and always come home together safe and sound, to complete

each other.

I can't go through this pain alone and I can't keep it inside me, it

will tear

me apart if I do. It will leave me a hopeless shell and take away all

that I hold dear to me, and that includes you, if

I continue to bottle

up the pain and frustrations and ultimately the anger that I feel at

being

robbed of any chance that I may have had at a normal life.

I want us to have children, but how will I be a good mommy, when I

barely had a

childhood of my own? For as long as I can remember, I've been ill.

I've had to

take medicines. I was the youngest child I know to start birth

control, just

before my 12th birthday. I've spent at least 3 birthdays in a hospital

room

(not including my birth, and countless holidays). And even now, just

as I was

all through school, I'm being made to feel less important, less

intelligent,

less significant, less worthy of respect (even after I should have

earned it),

and ultimately less human, because I have the disadvantage of being

chronically

ill/having a disability.

I wish it was easier to simply ignore people or to forget what they

say, when

they say things like, " When we show you how to do something, we expect

you to remember how to do it! " (said REALLY

loudly/borderline yelling in front of other coworkers and patrons)

*translation

that I hear is " You must be stupid if you can't remember how to do a

simple

task! Why did they even hire you if you aren't smart enough to do the

job?! " .

or " You can use your arm more than that!! " *translation that I hear

is " You

are a malingerer and you are lazy. You're just trying to get out of

work! " or

when I'm in the office area and I hear talking to and

is

agreeing with her, " She's just trying to get attention. She wants

everyone to

feel sorry for her and to do her work for her! If she didn't, then why

does she

come in here using crutches, wearing a sling, taking medicine at her

desk,

putting those patches on her arms, using those braces, and all that

other

stuff?! She likes be

ing sick, because then she gets more attention! " *translation that I

hear " She

enjoys being in pain all the time and looking different. She deserves

to be treated however we treat her because of this! It's her own fault

she's

sick! If she didn't want to be sick, then she would just go to the

doctor and

get cured! " or " You go RUN downstairs and get this to the mail-room

before the

mail gets collected! You're younger and it won't hurt you to run.

Now, don't

give me any of that crap about your joints hurting! We all know that

you're too

young to have that many medical problems and your joints won't start

hurting you

until you're a lot older!! " (usually something to this effect is said

within

minutes of me asking for a break, and when asks " Why? " I say

something to

the effect of, " My knees (or whatever or just plain " I'm " ) hurting

really badly,

so I need to take some pain meds. " ) *translation that I hear " You

need to stop

lying to us, because you're not fooling anyb

ody. So, to not only punish you, but also to prove you wrong, I'm

ordering you

to RUN all the way to the basement, for my own amusement. " or " What

were you

doing in the bathroom? You were in there for a really long time! And

don't tell me that you were

getting sick, because that's always your excuse! You're always taking

bathroom

breaks! The rest of us wait until we have TIME to go to the bathroom!

I don't

want to hear that you had trouble with using only one hand either! You

can use

your hand more than that! " *translation that I hear " You always take

a long

time in the bathroom! You need to stop taking breaks! Even a dog can

hold it

until they are given permission to go to the bathroom! You're just

trying to

get out of doing work! You are lazy and you are lying and going to the

bathroom

whenever you want, just so that you can goof off and get out of

working!! "

And the thing is that not only am I doing my work, but I'm doing some

of

's, Phil's, Autumn's, Angie's, Ron's, Carole's, Pam's, and

's work.

I'm also learning how to DO Joan's job, and doing some of the

librarian's work.

I understand that they might feel like I'm showing them up, but how

can

I avoid showing them up if they keep telling me to go do THEIR work on

top of doing

my own work? It's THEIR fault that I'm showing them up! Even so, she

doesn't

have to be so damn cruel!!

Sorry to drop all of that on you, but I want you to have at least the

chance to

understand part of what I'm going through! I love the work that I do

at the

library, but people like and ruin it by introducing all

of this

drama into the mix and by being so cruel (each and every one of these

has been

said AT LEAST once by , VERY LOUDLY and in front of patrons and

coworkers!!!). Because of this, work that I love becomes very

stressful,

frustrating, and overwhelming!

I love you, and I am sorry that I bring my work home and take it out

on

you more

often than I don't. :-(

Love

[Guest guest]

,

He will understand and I am sure he is frustrated because he cannot help you get

better sooner. I was the same way with my girlfriend when I could not walk and

fend for myself. She stuck it out with me and took care of me for six months,

even when I complained and wanted to give up. Having this disease just SUCKS!!!

It is hard for people to understand if they have never experienced the pain.

Don't give up on him, if he did not love you he would have left already.

Good luck,

.

[Guest guest]

Dear :

The bad news is I've had RA for 45 years.

The good news is YOU DO GET USED TO THE PAIN.

The longer you have it, the stronger you get.

Also, if you'd like some real ammo for those jerks

at work. Contact me privately.

Good Luck,

Shauna

[Guest guest]

Hi - I will apologize in advance for not reading your whole

email to your fiancee'. It was rather long. I would like to suggest

that while our significant others are supposed to be here for us, to

help and love us, I don't think they are intended to continually get

the brunt of our frustrations and upset over things we can't change.

It is wonderful to have a supportive, loving, helpful mate, but

nagging and yelling won't create that kind of person. If we continue

to give our mates the brunt of everything, it will only serve to shut

them down and close them off to our feelings and needs and eventually

we risk losing them. While we shouldn't have to put a mask on with

them, it doesn't mean that they are our dumping grounds either.

May I suggest some counseling? It would be good to have a

professional to " vent " to and then that would leave the more loving

feelings reserved for our mates. AND the professional may be able to

give you some suggestions so that you are not focused totally on your

pain and frustrations of work. You said: " I love you, and I am sorry

that I bring my work home and take it out on you more often than I

don't. " I hope this doesn't sound too critical, but I know that

sometimes we can be our own worst enemies - especially when it comes

to our mates. So, love him, and find a way to not have to drag

him down with all of the negatives of your day. Best of luck to

you....Doreen

>

> In my opinion, I haven't been a very good fiancee to Greg lately :-

> ( ... I don't mean to be grumpy and snap at him, but it's hard to

> be nice all the time, esp. when i'm not supposed to put up a mask

> with him. Greg, my fiancee, tells me that i snap at him a lot, but

> it's mainly because he's the only one that i'm around that I don't

> have to constantly watch what i say. (unless i'm at work, where i

> can get in trouble if i don't watch what i say, then, i'm with him,

> so when i'm upset or even just " normal hurting " , he gets the brunt

> of it). He's upstairs right now, (I sleep downstairs) and we just

> had a 'tift' (little argument), mainly b/c i'm tired, hurting,

> grumpy, and stressed out! Here's the email that I just sent him,

> and I think it sums it up pretty good, or at least I hope it does!!

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

You poor dear!!! You sound in absolutely excruciating pain!!!!! It is good

you are explaining this to your fiancé. Would you be at all able to take some

time off of work? It sounds like the stress there could be adding to your pain,

if I read that correctly! When was the last time you visited with your Rheumy?

Your pain level needs to get under control, and quick. If your honey can

understand, somehow, that this is your pain, and you can take some time off to

1- spend time re-connecting with him and 2- get your pain back under control, it

may help. If your doctor can not help, can you get a second opinion? I don't

know what your relationship is with your rheumy, but you sound in a crisis

situation!

The advice for you both to see a little counseling is a very good one. He

needs to be able to understand a bit more what you are going thru, and you need

to be able to cope with the pain and communicate effectively what is happening.

But I think your crisis needs to be taken care of first!

I truly hope and pray with all my heart you can get some medical leave or

something.. for your sake and your fiancé's sake! Oh dear, I am worried about

you! And I am a total stranger!

I hope you don't mind my saying this, but my prayers are with you!

i love you & i'm sorry

i know that this doesn't make up for my behaviors/attitude, but I'd

like to at

least try to explain/help you understand what's going on/how I'm

feeling.

I'm sorry that I'm so grumpy so much. i do love you. you just happen

to be the

only person around a lot of the time who i feel comfortable to vent

to/at.

unfortunately, my frustrations tend to get misdirected at you (kinda

like your

frustrations about your b-day got misdirected at me yesterday...).

please try to understand that while i am in pain 24/7 ( & it is by no

means

something that i can get used to, if anything, the constant pain over-

sensitizes

my body and makes it even more sensitive to pain), right now, i am in

a

lot more

pain than normal. normal operation for me is between a 4-7.9 pain

level (on a

scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst possible pain that i can

imagine

&

according at least 1 gyno that i had in the past, I've had cramps that

hurt

worse than childbirth, so a 10 for me would be worse than that...)

Since

Wednesday, I've been in 8-10 pain on average with an all-week low of

7.5-ish. When something even

brushes up against my arm, it burns and hurts! i keep getting muscle

spasms,

and each time it happens, it hurts so much worse. Kinda like if

someone were to

have taken a hammer and hit your finger/hand really hard after your

grease burn.

And then kept hitting it over and over. you're probably thinking that

it would

eventually go numb or you'd pass out

or shoot the person or something, but you can't. It just keeps

getting worse

and worse each time the hammer hits, or each time a muscle in my left

shoulder,

arm, forearm, wrist, hand, fingers, etc spasms. Actually, my whole

left side,

even right now, there are at least 2 muscles in the bottom of my foot

(1 in the

arch, & the other slightly closer to the heel that are spasming), my

shin, back

of my thigh, the forearm, my pinky and ring fingers, the muscle that

feels like

it attaches the under part of my arm to my side/boob area, the back of

my

shoulder, a muscle on the side my head near my ear, a muscle near my

eye, and probably several other places that are

too difficult for me to isolate are all spasming.

It feels like everything is just piling up! I really don't mean

to/want to

alienate you. I want you to be my most powerful ally. I want you to

be my

support. God is my rock and my foundation, but He (in my opinion) gave

you to

me so that you could personify His strength and be there for me. He

knows that

because I am a human and am in human form, that I need human comfort

and human

love. He knows that we both need that. That's why He created us for

each

other. He created man and woman to fit together, to comfort and love

each

other, to complement each other, to confide in each other, to be co-

dependent

upon one another, to pick up each other when we falter, to be each

other's

lighthouse and always come home together safe and sound, to complete

each other.

I can't go through this pain alone and I can't keep it inside me, it

will tear

me apart if I do. It will leave me a hopeless shell and take away all

that I hold dear to me, and that includes you, if

I continue to bottle

up the pain and frustrations and ultimately the anger that I feel at

being

robbed of any chance that I may have had at a normal life.

I want us to have children, but how will I be a good mommy, when I

barely had a

childhood of my own? For as long as I can remember, I've been ill.

I've had to

take medicines. I was the youngest child I know to start birth

control, just

before my 12th birthday. I've spent at least 3 birthdays in a hospital

room

(not including my birth, and countless holidays). And even now, just

as I was

all through school, I'm being made to feel less important, less

intelligent,

less significant, less worthy of respect (even after I should have

earned it),

and ultimately less human, because I have the disadvantage of being

chronically

ill/having a disability.

I wish it was easier to simply ignore people or to forget what they

say, when

they say things like, " When we show you how to do something, we expect

you to remember how to do it! " (said REALLY

loudly/borderline yelling in front of other coworkers and patrons)

*translation

that I hear is " You must be stupid if you can't remember how to do a

simple

task! Why did they even hire you if you aren't smart enough to do the

job?! " .

or " You can use your arm more than that!! " *translation that I hear

is " You

are a malingerer and you are lazy. You're just trying to get out of

work! " or

when I'm in the office area and I hear talking to and

is

agreeing with her, " She's just trying to get attention. She wants

everyone to

feel sorry for her and to do her work for her! If she didn't, then why

does she

come in here using crutches, wearing a sling, taking medicine at her

desk,

putting those patches on her arms, using those braces, and all that

other

stuff?! She likes be

ing sick, because then she gets more attention! " *translation that I

hear " She

enjoys being in pain all the time and looking different. She deserves

to be treated however we treat her because of this! It's her own fault

she's

sick! If she didn't want to be sick, then she would just go to the

doctor and

get cured! " or " You go RUN downstairs and get this to the mail-room

before the

mail gets collected! You're younger and it won't hurt you to run.

Now, don't

give me any of that crap about your joints hurting! We all know that

you're too

young to have that many medical problems and your joints won't start

hurting you

until you're a lot older!! " (usually something to this effect is said

within

minutes of me asking for a break, and when asks " Why? " I say

something to

the effect of, " My knees (or whatever or just plain " I'm " ) hurting

really badly,

so I need to take some pain meds. " ) *translation that I hear " You

need to stop

lying to us, because you're not fooling anyb

ody. So, to not only punish you, but also to prove you wrong, I'm

ordering you

to RUN all the way to the basement, for my own amusement. " or " What

were you

doing in the bathroom? You were in there for a really long time! And

don't tell me that you were

getting sick, because that's always your excuse! You're always taking

bathroom

breaks! The rest of us wait until we have TIME to go to the bathroom!

I don't

want to hear that you had trouble with using only one hand either! You

can use

your hand more than that! " *translation that I hear " You always take

a long

time in the bathroom! You need to stop taking breaks! Even a dog can

hold it

until they are given permission to go to the bathroom! You're just

trying to

get out of doing work! You are lazy and you are lying and going to the

bathroom

whenever you want, just so that you can goof off and get out of

working!! "

And the thing is that not only am I doing my work, but I'm doing some

of

's, Phil's, Autumn's, Angie's, Ron's, Carole's, Pam's, and

's work.

I'm also learning how to DO Joan's job, and doing some of the

librarian's work.

I understand that they might feel like I'm showing them up, but how

can

I avoid showing them up if they keep telling me to go do THEIR work on

top of doing

my own work? It's THEIR fault that I'm showing them up! Even so, she

doesn't

have to be so damn cruel!!

Sorry to drop all of that on you, but I want you to have at least the

chance to

understand part of what I'm going through! I love the work that I do

at the

library, but people like and ruin it by introducing all

of this

drama into the mix and by being so cruel (each and every one of these

has been

said AT LEAST once by , VERY LOUDLY and in front of patrons and

coworkers!!!). Because of this, work that I love becomes very

stressful,

frustrating, and overwhelming!

I love you, and I am sorry that I bring my work home and take it out

on

you more

often than I don't. :-(

Love

[Guest guest]

I know how you feel. My husband has put up with my excessive grumpiness for

years. Between the constant pain & being on the steroids for over 8 years I feel

like Dr. Jekell & Mrs Hyde sometimes. I'll be fine one minute and snapping at

him for no reason the next. I have had problems with my jobs for years. I had to

give up being a veterinary technician due to all the aches & pains and limited

mobility? and be a? front desk receptionist, & your suppose to be friendly &

nice, but when some nasty customer gets into it with me I fly off the handle and

cant deal with them. I'm sick of it but I have no idea how to control my moods.

My husband says he understands but there's no way he can know what being in

constant pain feels like. I finally quit my job in order to have knee

replacement surgery (I'm only 37). But he understands alittle more now seeing

what I have just been thru.

Just be patient and try your best to not say the wrong things when you feel the

grumpies come on. It has been very had for me to bite my tongue but it helps

sometimes : (?