Tonight...

[Guest guest]

Tonight, I'll meet some of my old buddies -- some I haven't seen BTB, (Before

the Burn). We'll talk about how well I'm doing, how the pain is less, how the

mental anguish of burns and AI diseases, and a changed life becomes easier to

bare...

Tonight, I'll put on my game face and pretend the world is ok, that I am not in

pain, and that life is good. I won't talk about the times I get suicidal

because the pain is so bad. I won't mention that people call me a " freak show "

because of the burns. I won't discuss the fact that I am still not, and will

never be, the man I was before.

I'll just smile and laugh, and praise doctors, medical advances, and those few

friends who stuck by me.

I won't tell them how sometimes, after a call, I just collapse in the truck, to

weak and in to much pain even to get a drink of water, which by then I

desperately need. I won't talk about the indignity of not being able to be

treated like a human being with real medical problems when I have a complaint,

or how everything is written off to " autoimmune disease " or " burn pain " .

I won't talk about the infections, hospital stays, ER visits, long nights

wanting to die, friends who left, family who I haven't spoken to in years,

people who think I should have committed suicide or those who ask me, " So, why

do you want to live with all that? "

I won't mention those at work who feel I shouldn't be working -- that I am a

liability, incompetent due to pain medications, " just not right " anymore...

I'll smile, and laugh, and say all the right things... Then, when it's over,

I'll come back to my reality... Knowing that their reality isn't mine any

longer, and I can't go back.

--

Dodge

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.

A pessimist fears that this is true.

Read my blog at:

http://jumpthis.wordpress.com