Guest guest Posted June 29, 2008 Report Share Posted June 29, 2008 I'm relatively new to having a " Name " of this (only as recently as March) so I can definately feel your pain and confusion first hand... I, too, want to think I'm wrong. I want to think it's a " miss " on my therapists part (she's the one who suggested this). I want to be a normal daughter with a " quirky " mom... but no... that's not the reality. I got into therapy because Nada had a breakdown in a Dr's office in front of a Surgeon, a Nurse, me and a medical assistant. The talk turned to, " do we 5150 her now or not " (that's CA speak for " involuntarily committing someone against their will for mental instability " ). We didn't...then. However, they immediately (in the hall) offered ME help (by way of a paid for therapist) to help ME cope with her. Incidently, it turned out to be the same therapist that " I " found for Nada following her recent 'exagerated medical scare'... the same one that Nada claims to have spoken with on several occasions. The same one that Nada claims said, " I'm a horrible daughter. " Funny thing is, my therapist has never spoken to Nada ~ Nada never returned any of her 5 calls. Therefore, validated by external experiences and 3rd party witnesses, I've made myself 'stay put' since then - once a week... Meanwhile Nada continues to spin. If you need 'help' remembering that this is what it is... do what my therapist had me do. Write down situations INVOLVING OTHER PEOPLE and look at those. The external incidents will validate your perceptions 100% of the time... It's not YOU sweetie... YOU ARE NOT WRONG... trust yourself. Lynnette > > I fell like I have been doing so well lately in dealing with my past > and all the things nada put me through. I suddenly get this series of > 3 emails from her. I haven't contacted her myself in well over a year, > so I am NC. > > Email one: > I heard this today and it just struck me that maybe that is what is > causing your headaches, sore throats and tiredness...please listen to > the whole podcast before you turn if off. Maybe an Eye, Ear, Nose > and Throat Specialist could help you. > ~~~~~ > > Email two: > She sent me a corrected link. > ~~~~~ > > Here is email three: > sorry for sending you that info. I know you can take care of > yourself. Just sounded like what was going on with you when you were > a kid. Maybe treating your Celiac's disease has changed that and you > feel better now. > I think that is great how you discovered that and changed your diet so > much..that must have been hard. > > Have thought a lot about my behaviors and guess some of them directed > toward you may have been...codependent or negative or controlling in > the past. I am trying to change for the better as I know that people > can change. > > Sometimes I wish our family was like Beth's- they fight and then make > up. They let each other know what they're thinking and feeling- get > stuff out in the open so they can fix it. > > I had to make a lot of changes. I lost weight and now I don't have > diabetes - my blood sugar is good. It was hard to give up sugar and a > lot of other stuff as you know. I am doing well. > > I have a new little gal...she is 6 yrs old and her name is Angel. I > wanted a yellow one, but this little punkin adopted me. > I call her Angel and also " Tinytoes " . She is a sweetie. > > Hope all is well with you. > ~~~~~ > > Am I nuts here? This woman sounds SO normal I really feel like maybe I > am overreacting and maybe she doesn't really have BPD. Then of course, > I think back and remember her behaviors and know I am not nuts. My > husband has reinforced this as he has witnessed her behavior first > hand. Man, it really amazes me how one little email can just throw me > off base so easily. I just totally lost it reading this and broke down > and cried. She has in the past had periods where she was VERY high > functioning and then periods of low functioning where she just totally > looses it. I am sure this is just an attempt to pull me back into the > fold and it almost worked. However, I know how far I have come in the > last year without her in my life. I am a different person. I am > happier, healthier and living a much more full life. > > I would love to hear your feedback on this. You guys are so great at > picking apart the BPD speak. I know it is there and can see some of it > but I am so close to it, it can be hard to see sometimes. > > I really appreciate any and all feedback. Guess I just need some > clarity right now. > > Maeghan > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 29, 2008 Report Share Posted June 29, 2008 I understand your confusion with this. I had a run-in with my mom last week where she was just sobbing and grasping at my hands asking me to love her. It broke my heart because I DO love my mom. Looking at it from an outsider's point of view, I probably looked like an evil daughter with a very wonderful mom who's been hurt. I questioned myself for hours, but ultimately when she didn't respond to my parting comment of " call me if you really want to talk about what needs to change on your end to have a relationship with me and son, " I realized it was all just another attempt to get me back " in the fold " through pity and manipulation. This email may very well be genuine. I notice that my mom has had some moments where she realizes what's going on and apologizes, and says these same things...but it's never for more than a few days. I'm sure deep inside your mom means it, and DOES wish your family could be different...but she clearly doesn't think that it's her who has the problem. She threw you a little bone with the " guess some of them directed toward you may have been...codependent or negative or controlling in the past. I am trying to change for the better as I know that people can change. " If you responded, I think the talk would turn to what YOU need to change. She didn't even say " I have been codependent and negative and controlling, " it was " I GUESS some of them MAY HAVE BEEN. " Right. She's trying to get you back in her life by saying what you want to hear...but she can't even bring herself to REALLY say it, she has to half-a** it. Sorry. I think I may be projecting a little here! > > I fell like I have been doing so well lately in dealing with my past > and all the things nada put me through. I suddenly get this series of > 3 emails from her. I haven't contacted her myself in well over a year, > so I am NC. > > Email one: > I heard this today and it just struck me that maybe that is what is > causing your headaches, sore throats and tiredness...please listen to > the whole podcast before you turn if off. Maybe an Eye, Ear, Nose > and Throat Specialist could help you. > ~~~~~ > > Email two: > She sent me a corrected link. > ~~~~~ > > Here is email three: > sorry for sending you that info. I know you can take care of > yourself. Just sounded like what was going on with you when you were > a kid. Maybe treating your Celiac's disease has changed that and you > feel better now. > I think that is great how you discovered that and changed your diet so > much..that must have been hard. > > Have thought a lot about my behaviors and guess some of them directed > toward you may have been...codependent or negative or controlling in > the past. I am trying to change for the better as I know that people > can change. > > Sometimes I wish our family was like Beth's- they fight and then make > up. They let each other know what they're thinking and feeling- get > stuff out in the open so they can fix it. > > I had to make a lot of changes. I lost weight and now I don't have > diabetes - my blood sugar is good. It was hard to give up sugar and a > lot of other stuff as you know. I am doing well. > > I have a new little gal...she is 6 yrs old and her name is Angel. I > wanted a yellow one, but this little punkin adopted me. > I call her Angel and also " Tinytoes " . She is a sweetie. > > Hope all is well with you. > ~~~~~ > > Am I nuts here? This woman sounds SO normal I really feel like maybe I > am overreacting and maybe she doesn't really have BPD. Then of course, > I think back and remember her behaviors and know I am not nuts. My > husband has reinforced this as he has witnessed her behavior first > hand. Man, it really amazes me how one little email can just throw me > off base so easily. I just totally lost it reading this and broke down > and cried. She has in the past had periods where she was VERY high > functioning and then periods of low functioning where she just totally > looses it. I am sure this is just an attempt to pull me back into the > fold and it almost worked. However, I know how far I have come in the > last year without her in my life. I am a different person. I am > happier, healthier and living a much more full life. > > I would love to hear your feedback on this. You guys are so great at > picking apart the BPD speak. I know it is there and can see some of it > but I am so close to it, it can be hard to see sometimes. > > I really appreciate any and all feedback. Guess I just need some > clarity right now. > > Maeghan > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 29, 2008 Report Share Posted June 29, 2008 It's so easy to see the good in her and get sucked back in isn't it? It happens to me again and again. My mom can be very high functioning and is very good at appearing reasonable for periods of time. There are times when she will deny having done or said something that I KNOW she did or said and she is so good that I almost believe her. I have many times asked myself " Am I nuts? " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 29, 2008 Report Share Posted June 29, 2008 You're not nuts hon. We'd all give anything we could to have a nada who's not nuts... so when they give us an inkling that they might not be nuts.... we jump on it. It's ok to initally think " oh! ok!! " as long as you don't act on it immediately and you remember to preserve YOURSELF first. Sounds like you did that by remembering her past behavior. I know it's hard. Amy Am I Nuts? I fell like I have been doing so well lately in dealing with my past and all the things nada put me through. I suddenly get this series of 3 emails from her. I haven't contacted her myself in well over a year, so I am NC. Email one: I heard this today and it just struck me that maybe that is what is causing your headaches, sore throats and tiredness.... please listen to the whole podcast before you turn if off. Maybe an Eye, Ear, Nose and Throat Specialist could help you. ~~~~~ Email two: She sent me a corrected link. ~~~~~ Here is email three: sorry for sending you that info. I know you can take care of yourself. Just sounded like what was going on with you when you were a kid. Maybe treating your Celiac's disease has changed that and you feel better now. I think that is great how you discovered that and changed your diet so much..that must have been hard. Have thought a lot about my behaviors and guess some of them directed toward you may have been...codependent or negative or controlling in the past. I am trying to change for the better as I know that people can change. Sometimes I wish our family was like Beth's- they fight and then make up. They let each other know what they're thinking and feeling- get stuff out in the open so they can fix it. I had to make a lot of changes. I lost weight and now I don't have diabetes - my blood sugar is good. It was hard to give up sugar and a lot of other stuff as you know. I am doing well. I have a new little gal...she is 6 yrs old and her name is Angel. I wanted a yellow one, but this little punkin adopted me. I call her Angel and also " Tinytoes " . She is a sweetie. Hope all is well with you. ~~~~~ Am I nuts here? This woman sounds SO normal I really feel like maybe I am overreacting and maybe she doesn't really have BPD. Then of course, I think back and remember her behaviors and know I am not nuts. My husband has reinforced this as he has witnessed her behavior first hand. Man, it really amazes me how one little email can just throw me off base so easily. I just totally lost it reading this and broke down and cried. She has in the past had periods where she was VERY high functioning and then periods of low functioning where she just totally looses it. I am sure this is just an attempt to pull me back into the fold and it almost worked. However, I know how far I have come in the last year without her in my life. I am a different person. I am happier, healthier and living a much more full life. I would love to hear your feedback on this. You guys are so great at picking apart the BPD speak. I know it is there and can see some of it but I am so close to it, it can be hard to see sometimes. I really appreciate any and all feedback. Guess I just need some clarity right now. Maeghan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 29, 2008 Report Share Posted June 29, 2008 We are all human and we all have up days and down days. It appears that your nada had a moment of lucidity and clarity that she might not have had if you had not taken the actions you did. It has caused her think about her behavior and to possibly link them to your actions of self preservation. The problem here is that it is only a moment, not a complete behavioral change. Take it for what it is, that perhaps she is for the first time considering the ramifications of her actions, but is not inclined to change her behavior. This is a gift, not a promise. You are not nuts. Something that you are doing is working, keep it up. Am I Nuts? I fell like I have been doing so well lately in dealing with my past and all the things nada put me through. I suddenly get this series of 3 emails from her. I haven't contacted her myself in well over a year, so I am NC. Email one: I heard this today and it just struck me that maybe that is what is causing your headaches, sore throats and tiredness.... please listen to the whole podcast before you turn if off. Maybe an Eye, Ear, Nose and Throat Specialist could help you. ~~~~~ Email two: She sent me a corrected link. ~~~~~ Here is email three: sorry for sending you that info. I know you can take care of yourself. Just sounded like what was going on with you when you were a kid. Maybe treating your Celiac's disease has changed that and you feel better now. I think that is great how you discovered that and changed your diet so much..that must have been hard. Have thought a lot about my behaviors and guess some of them directed toward you may have been...codependent or negative or controlling in the past. I am trying to change for the better as I know that people can change. Sometimes I wish our family was like Beth's- they fight and then make up. They let each other know what they're thinking and feeling- get stuff out in the open so they can fix it. I had to make a lot of changes. I lost weight and now I don't have diabetes - my blood sugar is good. It was hard to give up sugar and a lot of other stuff as you know. I am doing well. I have a new little gal...she is 6 yrs old and her name is Angel. I wanted a yellow one, but this little punkin adopted me. I call her Angel and also " Tinytoes " . She is a sweetie. Hope all is well with you. ~~~~~ Am I nuts here? This woman sounds SO normal I really feel like maybe I am overreacting and maybe she doesn't really have BPD. Then of course, I think back and remember her behaviors and know I am not nuts. My husband has reinforced this as he has witnessed her behavior first hand. Man, it really amazes me how one little email can just throw me off base so easily. I just totally lost it reading this and broke down and cried. She has in the past had periods where she was VERY high functioning and then periods of low functioning where she just totally looses it. I am sure this is just an attempt to pull me back into the fold and it almost worked. However, I know how far I have come in the last year without her in my life. I am a different person. I am happier, healthier and living a much more full life. I would love to hear your feedback on this. You guys are so great at picking apart the BPD speak. I know it is there and can see some of it but I am so close to it, it can be hard to see sometimes. I really appreciate any and all feedback. Guess I just need some clarity right now. Maeghan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 30, 2008 Report Share Posted June 30, 2008 it is very hard when they have a moment of clarity, but that is all it is... a moment. i feel like that's the hardest part with dealing with bp's because they are fairly high functioning in most situations, but there's always something a little off with them. that's why it's called borderline personality disorder.. it's like they're just on the edge of being/seeming normal, but they're not!! as hard as it is to think about the bad times or the times when she was really off, it is sometimes necessary in order to erase any doubts you are having about your relationship with her. don't worry, we've all been there!! i myself have been NC for 3 weeks and am waiting for that first call/email from my mom. never really told her that i was not going to have contact with her, it just kind of happened. just think of how good you have been doing without her involvement in your life... and think of how nervous/scared/confused you feel at just reading the email. that is the typical response of a non to their BP's attempt to communicate. that should not be how a person feels when their mom contacts them!! which is her fault, not yours. bottom line, you are not nuts!!! good luck with everything :-) and don't doubt yourself!!! i'm sure you have, as we all have, worked so hard to hold on to your own identity... don't allow her to take that away!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 30, 2008 Report Share Posted June 30, 2008 I like how liza points out that we should not get all messed up, freaked out, and turn into a ball of nerves when our parent tries to contacts us. But we do, because our parent(s) have BPD and it is so true IT IS NOT OUR FAULT!! You are NOT nuts! In fact, you questioning whether or not someone is mental after reading a " fine " email only re-affirms you are completely normal! Of course you are supposed wonder, she came off as caring, concerned, empathetic, etc. just like a normal parent would come off as. But, i can only guess this kind of treatment from your nada is far and few and when it does happen it makes you feel like you've gone through open heart surgery. Whenever my nada is nice to me i feel the exact same way. Logically i know she is ill, i know the 'niceness and moments of clarity' are either for selfish reasons or she is in her 'up/high functioning' swing. Yet, emotionally it just messes with me. i used to think things would get better between us, that she had changed, that i meant more to her. And after SO many times of this, so many times of getting my hopes up, so many times of putting my trust back in her. . .i'm really done now, i'm letting her go. I have had very, very little contact with her for the past 4 months. It's so much better, more than i ever knew:) But i still feel victimized whenever she has a moment of normalcy or whenever she is nice. I feel betrayed almost, i lose my perspective- just like you, i question things. The logic piece has been kicking in so much sooner now that i have little to no contact with her. It's not so debilitating when it happens. In summary-you are not nuts! And she still is!! > > it is very hard when they have a moment of clarity, but that is all it > is... a moment. i feel like that's the hardest part with dealing with > bp's because they are fairly high functioning in most situations, but > there's always something a little off with them. that's why it's called > borderline personality disorder.. it's like they're just on the edge of > being/seeming normal, but they're not!! as hard as it is to think about > the bad times or the times when she was really off, it is sometimes > necessary in order to erase any doubts you are having about your > relationship with her. don't worry, we've all been there!! i myself > have been NC for 3 weeks and am waiting for that first call/email from > my mom. never really told her that i was not going to have contact with > her, it just kind of happened. just think of how good you have been > doing without her involvement in your life... and think of how > nervous/scared/confused you feel at just reading the email. that is the > typical response of a non to their BP's attempt to communicate. that > should not be how a person feels when their mom contacts them!! which > is her fault, not yours. bottom line, you are not nuts!!! good luck > with everything :-) and don't doubt yourself!!! i'm sure you have, as > we all have, worked so hard to hold on to your own identity... don't > allow her to take that away!!! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 4, 2008 Report Share Posted July 4, 2008 I am so glad that you have your husband to validate you. The thing about bpd/npd I think is a relational thing. It seems to be why they can appear normal to people they are not trying to manipulate or control (because they don't know them well enough yet). I think what makes them crazy is once you are in their sphere they can't deal with your free will. I guess this is what separates them from the normal crazy person on the street, who appears crazy to everyone. I guess they are arrested at the age of a toddler who is constantly asserting their will and playing the adults around them like a joystick sometimes. It is part of growing up, but I guess the truth is that they never get past that part. I saw your other post so I am glad you are feeling better about it today. (((Hugs))) > > Email two: > She sent me a corrected link. > ~~~~~ > > Here is email three: > sorry for sending you that info. I know you can take care of > yourself. Just sounded like what was going on with you when you were > a kid. Maybe treating your Celiac's disease has changed that and you > feel better now. > I think that is great how you discovered that and changed your diet so > much..that must have been hard. > > Have thought a lot about my behaviors and guess some of them directed > toward you may have been...codependent or negative or controlling in > the past. I am trying to change for the better as I know that people > can change. > > Sometimes I wish our family was like Beth's- they fight and then make > up. They let each other know what they're thinking and feeling- get > stuff out in the open so they can fix it. > > I had to make a lot of changes. I lost weight and now I don't have > diabetes - my blood sugar is good. It was hard to give up sugar and a > lot of other stuff as you know. I am doing well. > > I have a new little gal...she is 6 yrs old and her name is Angel. I > wanted a yellow one, but this little punkin adopted me. > I call her Angel and also " Tinytoes " . She is a sweetie. > > Hope all is well with you. > ~~~~~ > > Am I nuts here? This woman sounds SO normal I really feel like maybe I > am overreacting and maybe she doesn't really have BPD. Then of course, > I think back and remember her behaviors and know I am not nuts. My > husband has reinforced this as he has witnessed her behavior first > hand. Man, it really amazes me how one little email can just throw me > off base so easily. I just totally lost it reading this and broke down > and cried. She has in the past had periods where she was VERY high > functioning and then periods of low functioning where she just totally > looses it. I am sure this is just an attempt to pull me back into the > fold and it almost worked. However, I know how far I have come in the > last year without her in my life. I am a different person. I am > happier, healthier and living a much more full life. > > I would love to hear your feedback on this. You guys are so great at > picking apart the BPD speak. I know it is there and can see some of it > but I am so close to it, it can be hard to see sometimes. > > I really appreciate any and all feedback. Guess I just need some > clarity right now. > > Maeghan > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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