Closure or what?

[Guest guest]

So, my NADA is moving to SC tomorrow.

Recently, there has been a little communication between her and I

(one sided on her part, of course) and there was one point where I

invited her over to see my new home and to have dinner with me. She

simply rejected the offer, saying that she feels that in this

situation that I need to come to HER, not the other way around. So

that was that.

Yesterday, NADA invited herself to go see my sister at her apartment

with whom she shares with her boyfriend. She went over and brought

donuts and made it a nice visit.

Weird thing is, even when me and NADA were on " good terms " , she

would NEVER come to my place to visit me. Me and my sister ALWAYS

had to come to her, even when we were all getting along.

I think NADA went to visit my sister to try to get me jealous or

something. I think she thinks it would make me upset that she went

to visit susie at her new place when she turned down the invitation

to see me.

Of course it doesn't make me jealous or whatever. I just can't

believe how canniving she can be.

NADA will be 10 hours away now. I don't have to worry about seeing

her in the grocery store or anything now.

I want so desperately to close this chapter of my life and NEVER

think about it again. But I don't know how to do that. Knowing that

she is gone and never coming back seems like something that should

bring closure to this situation. How do I let this go? How can I

make it so thoughts of NADA are not a part of my daily life? It

tortures me. I try to stay busy, but even then I think about it.

I'm so angry. I'm snapping at my husband. I'm not being myself.

I used to be such a carefree person around other people. I used to

have a great sense of humor. I used to be fun and spontaneous. But I

feel like there is a wall preventing me from reaching my real self.

I can't get past the barrier. Heavy thoughts are always on my mind.

I feel so angry and depressed today. How can I let this go? I'm

ready to be rid of it! It's like a poison. When I think of her I see

her sneering face, I see her sitting on the couch in her living room

with a cigarette in her hand, while I'm sitting on the floor like a

dog practically at her feet. I see her looking at me with that face

she uses when she is hurt and expects me to make it better.

I want her to know everything. I want to tell her that I think

something is wrong with her. Last week i posted a " fake letter " to

NADA on here, but I wish I could send it to her and that it would

open her eyes.

Only a fantasy.

Sorry to be a " debbie downer " today.

~Sara Jo

[Guest guest]

Oh, Sara, we a SO much in the same place today! 

- " don't have to worry about seeing

her in the grocery store or anything now.  "

I read that I couldn't read fast enough to get through your post to reply. 

Everytime I go somewhere...i think, will SHE be there.

- " I want so desperately to close this chapter of my life and NEVER

think about it again. But I don't know how to do that. "

The next part is what I just wrote to my aunt about 10 minutes ago...

-I seem to remain stuck between not wanting any contact with her and being

unable to block her number, again, and emails.  I've got to get out of the

" whys " and get on with the blessed life that I have.

I feel so STUCK today too!  At least we can be together in this!

Love and thoughts,

Janesoul

Closure or what?

So, my NADA is moving to SC tomorrow.

Recently, there has been a little communication between her and I

(one sided on her part, of course) and there was one point where I

invited her over to see my new home and to have dinner with me. She

simply rejected the offer, saying that she feels that in this

situation that I need to come to HER, not the other way around. So

that was that.

Yesterday, NADA invited herself to go see my sister at her apartment

with whom she shares with her boyfriend. She went over and brought

donuts and made it a nice visit.

Weird thing is, even when me and NADA were on " good terms " , she

would NEVER come to my place to visit me. Me and my sister ALWAYS

had to come to her, even when we were all getting along.

I think NADA went to visit my sister to try to get me jealous or

something. I think she thinks it would make me upset that she went

to visit susie at her new place when she turned down the invitation

to see me.

Of course it doesn't make me jealous or whatever. I just can't

believe how canniving she can be.

NADA will be 10 hours away now. I don't have to worry about seeing

her in the grocery store or anything now.

I want so desperately to close this chapter of my life and NEVER

think about it again. But I don't know how to do that. Knowing that

she is gone and never coming back seems like something that should

bring closure to this situation. How do I let this go? How can I

make it so thoughts of NADA are not a part of my daily life? It

tortures me. I try to stay busy, but even then I think about it.

I'm so angry. I'm snapping at my husband. I'm not being myself.

I used to be such a carefree person around other people. I used to

have a great sense of humor. I used to be fun and spontaneous. But I

feel like there is a wall preventing me from reaching my real self.

I can't get past the barrier. Heavy thoughts are always on my mind.

I feel so angry and depressed today. How can I let this go? I'm

ready to be rid of it! It's like a poison. When I think of her I see

her sneering face, I see her sitting on the couch in her living room

with a cigarette in her hand, while I'm sitting on the floor like a

dog practically at her feet. I see her looking at me with that face

she uses when she is hurt and expects me to make it better.

I want her to know everything. I want to tell her that I think

something is wrong with her. Last week i posted a " fake letter " to

NADA on here, but I wish I could send it to her and that it would

open her eyes.

Only a fantasy.

Sorry to be a " debbie downer " today.

~Sara Jo

[Guest guest]

Hi Sara Jo, I really understand what you are saying. I think I've

figured out that you never really get to be 100% totally done with

things even if you go NC. There is always that out of the blue email

or phone call, or a message from another relative about what's going

on. And of course there will always be questions from people who don't

know about your situation. And there will always be Mother's Day. BUT

this does not mean we have to be depressed and stressed all the time

about it. I completely understand that your stress level is very high

right now because of what you have been through. But it will get

better! You will get a little more distance and a little more

perspective and you will laugh again one day, I'm sure of it. You are

doing the right thing by trying to move on, and even if those thoughts

creep back in and you get flashbacks of traumatic things, those will

diminish over time.

If you think sending your Mom a letter will help you feel better, then

do it. It may not have the reaction you expect, but if you know that

going in and do it just for you, then it doesn't matter what her

reaction is. If you think you will regret such a letter, or don't

think it is worth the inevitable backlash, then don't.

I'm sure if you think back on your journey so far, you will see that

you have come a long way towards becoming more detached and facing the

reality of your family situation. You are doing so well, even though

you are feeling down. Feeling down just goes with the territory

sometimes, but it will pass.

By the way, I agree that what your BPmom did with her visit with your

sister was very hurtful. I can see why you are upset about that.

Even though you know your mom is mentally ill, you can still be hurt

by her. It sounds like a real blessing that she is moving.

>

> So, my NADA is moving to SC tomorrow.

> Recently, there has been a little communication between her and I

> (one sided on her part, of course) and there was one point where I

> invited her over to see my new home and to have dinner with me. She

> simply rejected the offer, saying that she feels that in this

> situation that I need to come to HER, not the other way around. So

> that was that.

> Yesterday, NADA invited herself to go see my sister at her apartment

> with whom she shares with her boyfriend. She went over and brought

> donuts and made it a nice visit.

> Weird thing is, even when me and NADA were on " good terms " , she

> would NEVER come to my place to visit me. Me and my sister ALWAYS

> had to come to her, even when we were all getting along.

> I think NADA went to visit my sister to try to get me jealous or

> something. I think she thinks it would make me upset that she went

> to visit susie at her new place when she turned down the invitation

> to see me.

> Of course it doesn't make me jealous or whatever. I just can't

> believe how canniving she can be.

> NADA will be 10 hours away now. I don't have to worry about seeing

> her in the grocery store or anything now.

> I want so desperately to close this chapter of my life and NEVER

> think about it again. But I don't know how to do that. Knowing that

> she is gone and never coming back seems like something that should

> bring closure to this situation. How do I let this go? How can I

> make it so thoughts of NADA are not a part of my daily life? It

> tortures me. I try to stay busy, but even then I think about it.

> I'm so angry. I'm snapping at my husband. I'm not being myself.

> I used to be such a carefree person around other people. I used to

> have a great sense of humor. I used to be fun and spontaneous. But I

> feel like there is a wall preventing me from reaching my real self.

> I can't get past the barrier. Heavy thoughts are always on my mind.

> I feel so angry and depressed today. How can I let this go? I'm

> ready to be rid of it! It's like a poison. When I think of her I see

> her sneering face, I see her sitting on the couch in her living room

> with a cigarette in her hand, while I'm sitting on the floor like a

> dog practically at her feet. I see her looking at me with that face

> she uses when she is hurt and expects me to make it better.

> I want her to know everything. I want to tell her that I think

> something is wrong with her. Last week i posted a " fake letter " to

> NADA on here, but I wish I could send it to her and that it would

> open her eyes.

> Only a fantasy.

> Sorry to be a " debbie downer " today.

> ~Sara Jo

>