You take things too personally

[Guest guest]

Just got off the phone with my Bada(brother) and now I know how most

of you feel talking with your out of control Nadas.

I had taken my son to see his grandmother and my bada came up with

his daughter. Everything seemed to be going all right when my son

wanted to go swimming in the kiddy pool and we invited my neice to

play as well. My brother turned us down and said that he didn't want

anything to interfere with her nap. I was irritated because everytime

that we want to do something it's her nap that seems to get in the

way. My son's feelings were hurt and that irritated me even more, but

I kept my mouth shut. My brother proceeded to spend another hour at

my nada's house before packing up and going home.

I called him wanting to try and schedule some time this coming

weekend so that the cousins could get together and perhaps do some

swimming. I don't know how it happened but the next thing I know my

bada is screaming at me over the phone telling me that he will not

have me questioning his parenting decisions. I had told him that my

son's feelings had been hurt and that it seemed to be an on going

result of our get togethers. I also told him that in order to avoid

this in the future that we should plan some play dates. Much

screaming over the phone. I do my best to remain calm but it was very

hard. Same thing that happens every time I try to be honest with my

brother and work things out. It is always his way and no one else

need participate. I should know better. According to him I take

things too personally, it is all my fault and that he has been so

noble in that he has been walking on eggshells around me.

Sound familar?

He basically told me that I am selfish, that I am lazy and that I am

out of control and that he had had enough of it. Never mind the last

time I contacted him to let him know how his behavior was affecting

me was 15 years ago. Same reaction then as now. He never takes

responsibility for what he does, what he says and even when

confronted with his behavior blows it off as if it is nothing.

Everytime I pulled the conversation back to how it made my son feel,

he turned the conversation back on me.

I honestly don't want to have anything to do with him anymore.

Nothing is going to change it will always be my fault. He likes to

humiliate me and I told him that if he didn't want me to take things

personally, to not try to humiliate me in front of family. Of course,

I am taking things too personally. That came up alot in the

conversation.

My problem is that I am going to have to deal with him, until my nada

dies.

According to him, I am supposed to keep my mouth shut and not do

anything to react to anything he says. According to him no one else

has any problems with him. According to him the rest of the family is

as tired of me as he is. He doesn't want to hear anything more about

my feelings and that if I don't shut up he will cut me out of his

life.

He obviously thinks that is a threat. I'm looking at it like an

invitation.

I honestly don't know what to do. I am already LC with him. I cannot

go NC without setting off my mother and things are starting to get

better there. No doubt he is on the phone with her and now there will

be hell to pay.

Same conversation, over and over and over again.

He is right, I do need to stop taking offense at what he says and

does. I need to let go of the fantasy of what a normal family is, but

that dies hard. And this is the last piece to fall.

I just need to keep in mind that what I do I do for me and my family,

and keep any contact with my brother and his family as minimal as

possible.

On a positive note, I gained an understanding as to what my bada

really thinks of me and it confirmed everything I ever suspected. I

can work with that. I may need to go into therapy to help me sever

all ties with him and help me cope with the attacks to come. I saw

the true face of my bada tonight and I realize that my future will

not include him. I was orphaned a long time ago and these people are

strangers to me. My brother told me tonight that I had it easy all my

life and that his life was very hard with my parents. They made him

do things and if he was sloppy about it they got on his case. I told

him that I believed that he had a hard life, but that he should not

think that I had it easy. He told me that I didn't know what I was

talking about. So much for meeting him half way.

I now understand what kind conversation most of you have with your

nadas. It is every bit as horrible as you portray it to be. Right now

I'm not mad, but somewhat resigned. This will be the last time I

reach out to my bada. He is too caught up in his own reality to

understand the damage he does. He doesn't want to understand it. It

doesn't register with him. He can only see his side of it and he

pretty much went out of his way to try and beat me down. This time I

didn't go there.

I am starting to understand the peace NC brings.

If anyone has any suggestions or similar stories, I am all ears.

Thanks.