Guest guest Posted July 4, 2008 Report Share Posted July 4, 2008 Wow, I so admire you. You see things so clearly in your life and yet so young. I can relate to everything you said except, fortunatley, the physical abuse. It reminded me of the time I was in my T's office after telling him I get a physical shooting pain from my chest to my stomach when the phone rings. He asked, " what do you think that's from? " I honestly had a hard time figuring it out, but guessed fear. After stepping back from my family situation it's so clear now. My heart goes out to you that your brothers don't, and may never, understand. But you and your sisters can grow immensly together! Keep reading books that help you to learn more and validate you! There are many good ones out there and if you need suggestions, this group has probably read them all...everyone combined. Nothing in what you wrote comes off as selfish or stubborn. I would say you have so much strength and courage to believe in yourself and follow through in your actions to take care of yourself and children! You are miles ahead of me and I'm 31! Anyway, welcome to the group, there is so much healing here and the people are secretly angels Take Care Of You, JaneSoul my story Hello everyone.. I'm new here. I found this group from the " Stop Walking on Eggshells " book I've been reading (im sure some of you are familiar with it). I know you don't know me but I needed to reach out and talk to someone who understands where I am coming from. My mother has BPD, and has for as long as I can remember (I just never put it together until about a year ago). I am 22, and I'm the second in a family of 5 children. My mother loved all of us as babies, but as soon as we became the least bit independent she completely detached. The only time she ever gave me or my sisters any attention was to physically or emotionally abuse us. There are two boys and three girls in my family, and she absolutely favored the boys (she admitted to that). She still does, and they still can't see her for what she is (obviously she is very manipulative) . Her family doesn't see it either. I stopped all contact with her last year, when I realized that so many of the issues I had been having had a lot to do with her behavior towards me as a child and a teen. I realized that every time the phone rang and it was her, I became so tense and stressed, wondering if she was mad at me. Immediately I would feel guilty, going through a mental list wondering what I had done this time. I never knew if she was okay, or if the next call I got would be telling me she got in a car accident driving recklessly, or she had overdosed on something she stole from the hospital where she works. Just having her in my life even a little bit was too much for me to handle. The day to day drama was too much. When I was 15 she was giving me in depth details of cheating on my father, having an abortion when she was 14, anything and everything. She never knew boundaries. I know so much more about her than I ever wanted to, and half of it may not even be true. I recently started seeing a psychologist, but its really hard to find one who understands what this is and how it has affected me. I find myself sometimes showing signs of BPD myself and it worries me so much. I dont have many friends because I can't open myself up to anyone. My own mother has hurt me so intensely, how can I trust a stranger? I can't even look anyone in the eye. I feel so inferior to everyone, like I should just stay out of everyone's way. Because I am estranged from her, I also have no contact with my grandmother, my aunt, or any of my cousins. She has convinced them that she's the victim, and now they keep trying to trick me into running into her, or calling her. I am definitely mourning the loss of that perfect relationship I never had with my mother. I deserve to have that relationship, we all do. Instead of dreaming of her helping me take care of my first child when I have one, I am worrying over what hospital I will go to where she can't find me. I don't know if I can ever have her in my life, even a little. I don't know how to do that and not feel that horrible fear in the pit of my stomach every time I hear her voice. And when I have children, I will never be able to leave them alone with her. It's just so painful. I have no idea how to judge my own behavior because im so used to her judging it for me. How do I know when I really AM being selfish, or stubborn? My brothers think I just " wrote her off " for no reason, and I dont think they understand it at all. I guess it is understandable considering they have always been perfect in her eyes. They never saw the other side of her. I had to watch her beat my 5 and 7 year old sisters with a belt, a hanger, whatever she could find when she went into her rages. Now my sisters are in their teens and I can't help them through the issues they are having because I have so many of my own! I don't know if anyone will even read this, but it helped me so much to write it. It's just nice to know that someone is out there who understands. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 4, 2008 Report Share Posted July 4, 2008 hey there. if i may be so bold, your mom sucks, you are not selfish, and since you can see the bpd-type behaviors in yourself and reflect upon them, you are probably never going to be like your mom. also, i bet your brothers won't come around until they get married and they're suddenly in the middle of the age-old battle between a crazy mother in law and a (likely) crazy daughter in law. scary. bink > > Hello everyone.. I'm new here. I found this group from the " Stop > Walking on Eggshells " book I've been reading (im sure some of you are > familiar with it). I know you don't know me but I needed to reach out > and talk to someone who understands where I am coming from. My mother > has BPD, and has for as long as I can remember (I just never put it > together until about a year ago). I am 22, and I'm the second in a > family of 5 children. My mother loved all of us as babies, but as soon > as we became the least bit independent she completely detached. The > only time she ever gave me or my sisters any attention was to > physically or emotionally abuse us. There are two boys and three girls > in my family, and she absolutely favored the boys (she admitted to > that). She still does, and they still can't see her for what she is > (obviously she is very manipulative). Her family doesn't see it either. > > I stopped all contact with her last year, when I realized that so many > of the issues I had been having had a lot to do with her behavior > towards me as a child and a teen. I realized that every time the phone > rang and it was her, I became so tense and stressed, wondering if she > was mad at me. Immediately I would feel guilty, going through a mental > list wondering what I had done this time. I never knew if she was > okay, or if the next call I got would be telling me she got in a car > accident driving recklessly, or she had overdosed on something she > stole from the hospital where she works. Just having her in my life > even a little bit was too much for me to handle. The day to day drama > was too much. When I was 15 she was giving me in depth details of > cheating on my father, having an abortion when she was 14, anything and > everything. She never knew boundaries. I know so much more about her > than I ever wanted to, and half of it may not even be true. > > I recently started seeing a psychologist, but its really hard to find > one who understands what this is and how it has affected me. I find > myself sometimes showing signs of BPD myself and it worries me so > much. I dont have many friends because I can't open myself up to > anyone. My own mother has hurt me so intensely, how can I trust a > stranger? I can't even look anyone in the eye. I feel so inferior to > everyone, like I should just stay out of everyone's way. Because I am > estranged from her, I also have no contact with my grandmother, my > aunt, or any of my cousins. She has convinced them that she's the > victim, and now they keep trying to trick me into running into her, or > calling her. I am definitely mourning the loss of that perfect > relationship I never had with my mother. I deserve to have that > relationship, we all do. Instead of dreaming of her helping me take > care of my first child when I have one, I am worrying over what > hospital I will go to where she can't find me. I don't know if I can > ever have her in my life, even a little. I don't know how to do that > and not feel that horrible fear in the pit of my stomach every time I > hear her voice. And when I have children, I will never be able to > leave them alone with her. It's just so painful. I have no idea how > to judge my own behavior because im so used to her judging it for me. > How do I know when I really AM being selfish, or stubborn? My brothers > think I just " wrote her off " for no reason, and I dont think they > understand it at all. I guess it is understandable considering they > have always been perfect in her eyes. They never saw the other side of > her. I had to watch her beat my 5 and 7 year old sisters with a belt, > a hanger, whatever she could find when she went into her rages. Now my > sisters are in their teens and I can't help them through the issues > they are having because I have so many of my own! > > I don't know if anyone will even read this, but it helped me so much to > write it. It's just nice to know that someone is out there who > understands. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 4, 2008 Report Share Posted July 4, 2008 Hi there. I also recently found this group from SWOE. I understood every word you said in your post but was almost twenty years older than you before I understood these things. So, you are wise beyond your years in my opinion! You said, " She never knew boundaries. I know so much more about her than I ever wanted to, and half of it may not even be true. " I feel exactly the same way. When I brought this up to my nada about a year ago, she denied that she told me anything personal before my 18th birthday.. Not true, but it was like she had been waiting until I turned 18 to share all her inappropriate stuff with me. Good luck, Missy Subject: my story To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Thursday, July 3, 2008, 10:23 PM Hello everyone.. I'm new here. I found this group from the " Stop Walking on Eggshells " book I've been reading (im sure some of you are familiar with it). I know you don't know me but I needed to reach out and talk to someone who understands where I am coming from. My mother has BPD, and has for as long as I can remember (I just never put it together until about a year ago). I am 22, and I'm the second in a family of 5 children. My mother loved all of us as babies, but as soon as we became the least bit independent she completely detached. The only time she ever gave me or my sisters any attention was to physically or emotionally abuse us. There are two boys and three girls in my family, and she absolutely favored the boys (she admitted to that). She still does, and they still can't see her for what she is (obviously she is very manipulative) . Her family doesn't see it either. I stopped all contact with her last year, when I realized that so many of the issues I had been having had a lot to do with her behavior towards me as a child and a teen. I realized that every time the phone rang and it was her, I became so tense and stressed, wondering if she was mad at me. Immediately I would feel guilty, going through a mental list wondering what I had done this time. I never knew if she was okay, or if the next call I got would be telling me she got in a car accident driving recklessly, or she had overdosed on something she stole from the hospital where she works. Just having her in my life even a little bit was too much for me to handle. The day to day drama was too much. When I was 15 she was giving me in depth details of cheating on my father, having an abortion when she was 14, anything and everything. She never knew boundaries. I know so much more about her than I ever wanted to, and half of it may not even be true. I recently started seeing a psychologist, but its really hard to find one who understands what this is and how it has affected me. I find myself sometimes showing signs of BPD myself and it worries me so much. I dont have many friends because I can't open myself up to anyone. My own mother has hurt me so intensely, how can I trust a stranger? I can't even look anyone in the eye. I feel so inferior to everyone, like I should just stay out of everyone's way. Because I am estranged from her, I also have no contact with my grandmother, my aunt, or any of my cousins. She has convinced them that she's the victim, and now they keep trying to trick me into running into her, or calling her. I am definitely mourning the loss of that perfect relationship I never had with my mother. I deserve to have that relationship, we all do. Instead of dreaming of her helping me take care of my first child when I have one, I am worrying over what hospital I will go to where she can't find me. I don't know if I can ever have her in my life, even a little. I don't know how to do that and not feel that horrible fear in the pit of my stomach every time I hear her voice. And when I have children, I will never be able to leave them alone with her. It's just so painful. I have no idea how to judge my own behavior because im so used to her judging it for me. How do I know when I really AM being selfish, or stubborn? My brothers think I just " wrote her off " for no reason, and I dont think they understand it at all. I guess it is understandable considering they have always been perfect in her eyes. They never saw the other side of her. I had to watch her beat my 5 and 7 year old sisters with a belt, a hanger, whatever she could find when she went into her rages. Now my sisters are in their teens and I can't help them through the issues they are having because I have so many of my own! I don't know if anyone will even read this, but it helped me so much to write it. It's just nice to know that someone is out there who understands. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 6, 2008 Report Share Posted July 6, 2008 you said: I have no idea how > > to judge my own behavior because im so used to her judging it for me. > > How do I know when I really AM being selfish, or stubborn? i think the feeling of not being able to trust myself and my own feelings has been the biggest challenge i have ever taken on. i know that feeling and it is the thing that makes me the most angry when i think about the way my mother manipulated and emotionally abused me. what do you have if you can't trust yourself? our BP mothers took that trust away. you need realize that it is her you can't trust not you. everybody is selfish and stubborn... your mother just made you feel like you were all the time. i'll bet you that you are probably the least selfish and stubborn of people you know because you are hyersensitive about whether you are being selfish or stubborn. BP moms have this way of making it seem like the world is going to end at any given moment and it is going to be your fault because you did not wash the dishes correctly!!! um, the world is not going to end over dishes. they create this constant state of fear that we take with us into the world. fear that we spoil things just by being, that we are not worth anything better, fear that anything we do couldn't possibly be right. look around you, everybody's selfish, stubborn, angry, mean, etc. sometimes.. but those moments don't define them as people and they won't define you either. you are figuring things much earlier than most. this group is a wonderful space to start letting go. people here understand and do not judge. they remind you that you are not alone. good luck and keep posting!! ashley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 6, 2008 Report Share Posted July 6, 2008 --- I read this and I started crying...because this sums me up. I have such a hard time trusting my feelings. For so long especially as a child, if my feelings didn't project or agree with my mother's feelings they were crushed and so my sense of self is so at times distorted or non existent. I am almost 50 years old and really sarting to get that. Never too late though. That inner voice of her and of my husband critizing me.... just never goes away. I hear the old and new tapes playing....and so I take alot of mistreatment. I first need verification that it is mistreatment. Then I need to see what really our my feelings. I am just what you said hypersensitive to others feelings and I do view myself if I think of me and my feelings as selfish. That is how my house was- just what you wrote, if the dishes weren't washed the right way- it was the end of the world. It was and can still be this constant state of fear. Yes, I do not trust my feelings and yes that was taken from me...and I hate it. It is bad enough I let my husband and mother hurt me, I hurt me. It is such a cycle of pain and fear... You are right we all can be stubborn,loving and or selfish...it is ok, but those moments don't define us...your words were so wise. Thank you for your insights, Malinda In WTOAdultChildren1 , " ashleyliza " wrote: > > you said: > > I have no idea how > > > > to judge my own behavior because im so used to her judging it for > me. > > > > How do I know when I really AM being selfish, or stubborn? > > i think the feeling of not being able to trust myself and my own > feelings has been the biggest challenge i have ever taken on. i know > that feeling and it is the thing that makes me the most angry when i > think about the way my mother manipulated and emotionally abused me. > what do you have if you can't trust yourself? our BP mothers took > that trust away. you need realize that it is her you can't trust not > you. everybody is selfish and stubborn... your mother just made you > feel like you were all the time. i'll bet you that you are probably > the least selfish and stubborn of people you know because you are > hyersensitive about whether you are being selfish or stubborn. BP > moms have this way of making it seem like the world is going to end > at any given moment and it is going to be your fault because you did > not wash the dishes correctly!!! um, the world is not going to end > over dishes. they create this constant state of fear that we take > with us into the world. fear that we spoil things just by being, that > we are not worth anything better, fear that anything we do couldn't > possibly be right. look around you, everybody's selfish, stubborn, > angry, mean, etc. sometimes.. but those moments don't define them as > people and they won't define you either. > > you are figuring things much earlier than most. this group is a > wonderful space to start letting go. people here understand and do > not judge. they remind you that you are not alone. good luck and keep > posting!! > > ashley > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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