Guest guest Posted February 2, 2003 Report Share Posted February 2, 2003 In a message dated 2/2/2003 8:27:22 PM Eastern Standard Time, lynstarprincess@... writes: > Does checking blood sugars achs or 2 hrs after eating best? > Hi Jan, Welcome to the group. I check my bg's fasting about once a week. I very seldom have a fasting reading over 92. I also check bg's two hours after a meal, especially if I have eaten something different. I try to check bg's twice a day, sometimes I check less, other times more. Exercise will help to lower bg's. If you do eat more carbs at a meal, if you will exercise for 15-20 minutes that should lower your bg's. Eunice Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 3, 2003 Report Share Posted February 3, 2003 Dear Jan Welcome to group. Follow Eunice....she has good suggestions from her personal experiences. I back that, should say that the exercise should be cardiovascular. Meaning that the heart rate is slightly raised on exertion. All exercise is good but CV is best for controlling blood sugar. Walking is best and safest form of CV exercise. I also test very irregularly, only as I have good control through exercise. My body reacts if my glucose is too low or slightly raised. I take a few units of insulin to control. Hugs Fenella Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 17, 2003 Report Share Posted April 17, 2003 <<Just joined and hubby has just been diagnosed w/Type 2. He has no ideas as to what to eat.>> I know the feeling well, when I was first diagnosed I was lost on what to eat. It was like, " you have type II, take these, prick you finger twice a day, exercise and eat right " . Good luck. I found cutting back on my carbohydrates and sugars seemed to work best for me. But what I have discovered, what works for some people may not work for another. For instance, I can eat 1 strawberry. If I have 2 strawberries, watch out. But I can eat a 1/2 a banana or some cantaloupe with no real issues. Rice is bad, potato's are good. But that's me. You'll find some people have no problems with rice, but cannot have potatoes. So this is where testing and remembering what you eat comes into play. I am still learning what I can eat without doing much damage and what I can have a little bit of. What I do is. I eat a meal, 2 - 3 oz of chicken on a bed of salad with spinach, celery, mushrooms and maybe rice. 2 hours later In test. The next day, same meal no rice. Same procedure in testing. If the number drops big time, I'll try the rice with something else, like steamed veggies and chicken. Again I test and look at the numbers. When ever my bg's rise, I look at what I added to me diet and remove it at the next meal. I'll do this several times with the same item I added to my meal just to see if the food is causing the problem, if it is, I remove that food off my list until I get my numbers real low. Then I'll only eat a small portion of the " bad " food with my meal. Sugar free jello, not too bad when mixed with sugar free cool whip. Smuckers makes sugar free jam, not bad when spread lightly on toast. Turkey bacon, 1 slice with egg beaters on low carb bread, toasted and 1/2 apple or banana for breakfast works for me. Others may have a problem with this food. and the number 1 think I have found that really helps, exercise, walking, weight workout, anything that causes you to move mass, the mass being yourself. Just hang in there, take a diabetes awareness class and in 3 weeks you do start getting the hang of what you can and cannot eat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 17, 2003 Report Share Posted April 17, 2003 Welcome, . I would suggest the book Sugar Busters, it explains the low carb diet and gives a two week sample menu. It suggests sticking with whole-wheat breads (but sparingly), lots of lean meats and veggies, moderate salt intake. It discusses a glycemic index. Basically, this index measures how simple the sugars are in foods. For example, white potatoes have more simple sugars/lower fiber than sweet potatoes (I know, the opposite of what you'd expect) so white potatoes have a tendancy to raise blood sugar faster than sweet. You want to stay with lower indexed foods. HTH, Debi > Hi all, > Just joined and hubby has just been diagnosed w/Type 2. He has no ideas as to what to eat. > Any suggestions? I've been going over websites ADA. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 17, 2003 Report Share Posted April 17, 2003 > > Hi all, > > Just joined and hubby has just been diagnosed w/Type 2. He has no > ideas as to what to eat. > > Any suggestions? I've been going over websites ADA. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 17, 2003 Report Share Posted April 17, 2003 > > Hi all, > > Just joined and hubby has just been diagnosed w/Type 2. He has no > ideas as to what to eat. > > Any suggestions? I've been going over websites ADA. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 17, 2003 Report Share Posted April 17, 2003 In a message dated 4/17/2003 1:52:15 AM Eastern Daylight Time, sokokl@... writes: > Did anyone > read the info from the ADA that explained how inconsistent the > Glycemic Index was? > Hi Kristy, The Glycemic Index does not work for me. An example: I can eat white potatoes but can only eat a very small amount of sweet potatoes. hugs Eunice Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 17, 2003 Report Share Posted April 17, 2003 ADA still recommends a high-carbohydrate diet. Why is a mystery to me, as Diabetes II is a form of carbohydrate intolerance. Here is what was recommended to me, and what many others find helpful: Avoid 'white' foods; potatoes, rice, pasta, and white bread are your enemies. Whole-grain bread, brown, rice, and whole-grain pasta (if you can find it!) are good. You can sometimes have other root vegetables (turnips, parsnips, carrots, rutabagas, yams), but not frequently. Most other vegetables are good, except for winter squash (butternut, acorn, Hubbard's, etc.), which should be in the 'occasional' category. (Some people will advocate Avocados; I don't because personally I dislike them, but if you do like them, go for it.) Nuts are good. Lean meats (roasted, baked, broiled, or grilled--NOT FRIED) are good. Most dairy is good. Small amounts of fruit, especially berries, are good. Fruit should be minimally-processed and if possible eaten peels and all. Avoid packaged and processed foods; what you can't avoid, read the lables carefully. Avoid carbohydrates, especially sugars; you probably can't avoid them totally, but try to get versions with as little as possible. (Paradoxically, the 'Lite' varieties are often less desirable than the 'Regular.' When they remove fat, they remove flavor, and frequently they will add carbohydrates to restore the flavor.) I hope this helps! new Hi all, Just joined and hubby has just been diagnosed w/Type 2. He has no ideas as to what to eat. Any suggestions? I've been going over websites ADA. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 wow, that is so hard. I think you hit it on the head when you said your mother is trying to turn it into a show about herself, rather than honoring your grandmother. I'm sorry. What can you do to honor her in your own way? On Tue, Jul 15, 2008 at 10:58 AM, marketabletitle24 < marketabletitle24@...> wrote: > Hi, I am not sure how to start with a group like this. I have a BPD > mother who I recently cut off contact with. I have a lot of anger and > resentment in how she treated me. The final point with her was when > my grandmother, who basically raised me because my mother was not > capable, passed away. I chose to go to grad school in another state, > I knew doing this meant my mother would be responsible for her the > next three years with my brother there to monitor, not to mention my > grandmother could take care of herself. My grandmother is a strong > woman who was amazing and incredibly self sufficient until her death. > My mother did play power games with my grandmother and would do > things irrationally and accuse her of things like all of us. However, > my grandmother was able to cope and refused to kick my mother out of > her life. I regularly kept in contact with my grandmother and drove > 18 hours every month to go see her. During Christmas this year, while > I was home my grandmother fell. My mother is her emergency contact > since she lives in the city. My aunt phoned me to tell me my > grandmother was in the hospital, but that my mother was refusing to > tell any of us where she was because " we were cruel to her. " I was > aware that my mother is very self conscious of what non family members > think of her so when she refused to tell me where my grandmother was > using the same tirade she did with my aunt, I had my fiance's mother > call her. My fiance's mother came with me to the hospital (I refuse > to be alone with my mother she creates elaborate, false stories of the > abuse she endures from me when we're alone when in fact it's quite the > opposite). Where I find my grandmother is well. My mother then > proceeds to berate me in front of the doctor saying I Haven't spoken > to my grandmother in years (I called her every other day about when > I'm in school, and had just had dinner with her the day before and > took her shopping). My mother also hits me that day in the presence > of my fiance starts crying and screaming she is going to have me > arrested and she hit me. I am glad I had a witness. She proceeds to > tell my family in the waiting room in tears that I want her arrested, > I just asked her to stop hitting me, I keep a calm demeanor around > her. I can't believe she is doing this to garner attention while my > grandmother is ill. This is going on too long, I apologize. To be > short, in the course of week before we discovered my grandmother had > kidney failure. She convinced the nurses that I was abusive and a > threat to my grandmother, and had me removed from the hospital (a call > to an attorney and a conversation with the head of the hospital fixed > that, I was allowed back into the hospital). I also had paperwork > pending where I would receive custody of my grandmother and I planned > to transfer back to my home state for my last semester of school > because at this point I realize my mother has gone too far. However, > my grandmother passes away. What should have been a family loving my > grandmother turned into my mother's show. The sermon at her service > was all about how my brother and I were cruel to my mother. She > actually had the audacity to tell the minister how this was so hard > for her and how this was a struggle for her. Not how amazing my > grandmother was. She called security to put on a show because she > told everyone she was afraid of my brother and I. This, after years > of her blaming me for things I did not do, for being abused, kicked > out as a young teenager and left homeless, told how I was so terrible > all the time for not taking care of her by dropping out of undergrad. > This was the last straw. This was it, I wanted nothin gmore to do > with her. I should have been wise and years ago stopped trying, but I > couldn't. I have rattled on for a long while now. But, that's why > I'm here, to sort out my feelings, learn how to deal with this. Get > over my anger. I think I have taken the right first step by cutting > her out of my life forever, but any insight one of you may have I " ll take. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 Hello New - I have a lot of sympathy for you in this. I really loved my grandmother, too. She died when I was in college. Unfortunately, she died during a time when I was estranged from my family. I had cut off contact with them for a while, because I felt so terribly hurt by their callous reaction when a stranger tried to rape and murder me. They laughed about it, basically. During the estrangement, they bombarded me with hate mail and guilt-inducing phone messages " how dare I abandon them?? " etc. My brother threatened to kill me if I came home, my dad to kill himself if I didn't. When my grandma died, all of this escalated. Constant calls, threats, tears, coercion, madness. The whole thing became a bizarre circus about their skewed emotions. It seemed to me I was the only one truly grieving. I decided to do that at home, in peace. That that was the best way to honor my Grandma. I simply did not have the energy to fight them, especially physically fight. To this day, some 20 years later, I am still occasionally taunted by them for being " cold " and " uncaring " about my grandmothers death. When I tried later to visit the grave, they would not tell me where she was buried. It's amazing to me how even the worst things that have happened to us are shared by others on this board, that experiences that seem like they are horribly unique are all too painfully common. It sounds like your mom simply could not bear to have someone else become the center of attention, even by their death. I bet she felt like your sorrow, your grief, all your emotions and love by rights belonged to her (although she done nothing to deserve them). Similarly, I do not think it ever occurred to my family that I might be genuinely grieving someone, since that kind of love is pretty alien to them. Letty > > Hi, I am not sure how to start with a group like this. I have a BPD > mother who I recently cut off contact with. I have a lot of anger and > resentment in how she treated me. The final point with her was when > my grandmother, who basically raised me because my mother was not > capable, passed away. I chose to go to grad school in another state, > I knew doing this meant my mother would be responsible for her the > next three years with my brother there to monitor, not to mention my > grandmother could take care of herself. My grandmother is a strong > woman who was amazing and incredibly self sufficient until her death. > My mother did play power games with my grandmother and would do > things irrationally and accuse her of things like all of us. However, > my grandmother was able to cope and refused to kick my mother out of > her life. I regularly kept in contact with my grandmother and drove > 18 hours every month to go see her. During Christmas this year, while > I was home my grandmother fell. My mother is her emergency contact > since she lives in the city. My aunt phoned me to tell me my > grandmother was in the hospital, but that my mother was refusing to > tell any of us where she was because " we were cruel to her. " I was > aware that my mother is very self conscious of what non family members > think of her so when she refused to tell me where my grandmother was > using the same tirade she did with my aunt, I had my fiance's mother > call her. My fiance's mother came with me to the hospital (I refuse > to be alone with my mother she creates elaborate, false stories of the > abuse she endures from me when we're alone when in fact it's quite the > opposite). Where I find my grandmother is well. My mother then > proceeds to berate me in front of the doctor saying I Haven't spoken > to my grandmother in years (I called her every other day about when > I'm in school, and had just had dinner with her the day before and > took her shopping). My mother also hits me that day in the presence > of my fiance starts crying and screaming she is going to have me > arrested and she hit me. I am glad I had a witness. She proceeds to > tell my family in the waiting room in tears that I want her arrested, > I just asked her to stop hitting me, I keep a calm demeanor around > her. I can't believe she is doing this to garner attention while my > grandmother is ill. This is going on too long, I apologize. To be > short, in the course of week before we discovered my grandmother had > kidney failure. She convinced the nurses that I was abusive and a > threat to my grandmother, and had me removed from the hospital (a call > to an attorney and a conversation with the head of the hospital fixed > that, I was allowed back into the hospital). I also had paperwork > pending where I would receive custody of my grandmother and I planned > to transfer back to my home state for my last semester of school > because at this point I realize my mother has gone too far. However, > my grandmother passes away. What should have been a family loving my > grandmother turned into my mother's show. The sermon at her service > was all about how my brother and I were cruel to my mother. She > actually had the audacity to tell the minister how this was so hard > for her and how this was a struggle for her. Not how amazing my > grandmother was. She called security to put on a show because she > told everyone she was afraid of my brother and I. This, after years > of her blaming me for things I did not do, for being abused, kicked > out as a young teenager and left homeless, told how I was so terrible > all the time for not taking care of her by dropping out of undergrad. > This was the last straw. This was it, I wanted nothin gmore to do > with her. I should have been wise and years ago stopped trying, but I > couldn't. I have rattled on for a long while now. But, that's why > I'm here, to sort out my feelings, learn how to deal with this. Get > over my anger. I think I have taken the right first step by cutting > her out of my life forever, but any insight one of you may have I " ll take. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 Girlscout, Thank you for listening to me. I don't share with people about my nada or let people even know I have a mother. I live in constant fear that one day I could adopt her tendencies to play victim, which is why I chose a forum like this to work things out. I honor my grandmother by visiting her grave site ,telling everyone how wonderful she is, and trying to carry on traditions that she had (like her great southern cooking and quiltmaking). I dont know what more to do. The good thing was that my grandmother knew what my mother would do and she had a letter ready for my brother and I when she passed (she was so amazing and insightful, without her I may have adopted more of my mother's personality traits). She told us in the letter that no matter what happened or what my nada did she loved us (my brother and I) and she knew we loved her. She apologized for how my mother acted and said she knew we tried to have a relationship with her. To this day I have kept the letter, just knowing that she knew this would happen and that she still wanted to protect us, that killed me, really really killed me. When I type all this out it seems so surreal, but I'm glad I'm here with people who can understand the insanity of a BP. Thanks for listening and I'm glad to be here, le > > > Hi, I am not sure how to start with a group like this. I have a BPD > > mother who I recently cut off contact with. I have a lot of anger and > > resentment in how she treated me. The final point with her was when > > my grandmother, who basically raised me because my mother was not > > capable, passed away. I chose to go to grad school in another state, > > I knew doing this meant my mother would be responsible for her the > > next three years with my brother there to monitor, not to mention my > > grandmother could take care of herself. My grandmother is a strong > > woman who was amazing and incredibly self sufficient until her death. > > My mother did play power games with my grandmother and would do > > things irrationally and accuse her of things like all of us. However, > > my grandmother was able to cope and refused to kick my mother out of > > her life. I regularly kept in contact with my grandmother and drove > > 18 hours every month to go see her. During Christmas this year, while > > I was home my grandmother fell. My mother is her emergency contact > > since she lives in the city. My aunt phoned me to tell me my > > grandmother was in the hospital, but that my mother was refusing to > > tell any of us where she was because " we were cruel to her. " I was > > aware that my mother is very self conscious of what non family members > > think of her so when she refused to tell me where my grandmother was > > using the same tirade she did with my aunt, I had my fiance's mother > > call her. My fiance's mother came with me to the hospital (I refuse > > to be alone with my mother she creates elaborate, false stories of the > > abuse she endures from me when we're alone when in fact it's quite the > > opposite). Where I find my grandmother is well. My mother then > > proceeds to berate me in front of the doctor saying I Haven't spoken > > to my grandmother in years (I called her every other day about when > > I'm in school, and had just had dinner with her the day before and > > took her shopping). My mother also hits me that day in the presence > > of my fiance starts crying and screaming she is going to have me > > arrested and she hit me. I am glad I had a witness. She proceeds to > > tell my family in the waiting room in tears that I want her arrested, > > I just asked her to stop hitting me, I keep a calm demeanor around > > her. I can't believe she is doing this to garner attention while my > > grandmother is ill. This is going on too long, I apologize. To be > > short, in the course of week before we discovered my grandmother had > > kidney failure. She convinced the nurses that I was abusive and a > > threat to my grandmother, and had me removed from the hospital (a call > > to an attorney and a conversation with the head of the hospital fixed > > that, I was allowed back into the hospital). I also had paperwork > > pending where I would receive custody of my grandmother and I planned > > to transfer back to my home state for my last semester of school > > because at this point I realize my mother has gone too far. However, > > my grandmother passes away. What should have been a family loving my > > grandmother turned into my mother's show. The sermon at her service > > was all about how my brother and I were cruel to my mother. She > > actually had the audacity to tell the minister how this was so hard > > for her and how this was a struggle for her. Not how amazing my > > grandmother was. She called security to put on a show because she > > told everyone she was afraid of my brother and I. This, after years > > of her blaming me for things I did not do, for being abused, kicked > > out as a young teenager and left homeless, told how I was so terrible > > all the time for not taking care of her by dropping out of undergrad. > > This was the last straw. This was it, I wanted nothin gmore to do > > with her. I should have been wise and years ago stopped trying, but I > > couldn't. I have rattled on for a long while now. But, that's why > > I'm here, to sort out my feelings, learn how to deal with this. Get > > over my anger. I think I have taken the right first step by cutting > > her out of my life forever, but any insight one of you may have I " ll take. > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 Letty, It is so weird how everyone's experiences on the board are so similar, reading through so many of the threads I say to myself " oh my goodness, she did the same to me. " I'm so sorry for your loss, do you still have nc with your family or have you chose to try to connect with them? It just seems like the actions of a nada or BP family member are so painful that there is no way you could ever contact them again. The lies, the beratement, it just seems impossible. le > > > > Hi, I am not sure how to start with a group like this. I have a BPD > > mother who I recently cut off contact with. I have a lot of anger and > > resentment in how she treated me. The final point with her was when > > my grandmother, who basically raised me because my mother was not > > capable, passed away. I chose to go to grad school in another state, > > I knew doing this meant my mother would be responsible for her the > > next three years with my brother there to monitor, not to mention my > > grandmother could take care of herself. My grandmother is a strong > > woman who was amazing and incredibly self sufficient until her death. > > My mother did play power games with my grandmother and would do > > things irrationally and accuse her of things like all of us. However, > > my grandmother was able to cope and refused to kick my mother out of > > her life. I regularly kept in contact with my grandmother and drove > > 18 hours every month to go see her. During Christmas this year, while > > I was home my grandmother fell. My mother is her emergency contact > > since she lives in the city. My aunt phoned me to tell me my > > grandmother was in the hospital, but that my mother was refusing to > > tell any of us where she was because " we were cruel to her. " I was > > aware that my mother is very self conscious of what non family members > > think of her so when she refused to tell me where my grandmother was > > using the same tirade she did with my aunt, I had my fiance's mother > > call her. My fiance's mother came with me to the hospital (I refuse > > to be alone with my mother she creates elaborate, false stories of the > > abuse she endures from me when we're alone when in fact it's quite the > > opposite). Where I find my grandmother is well. My mother then > > proceeds to berate me in front of the doctor saying I Haven't spoken > > to my grandmother in years (I called her every other day about when > > I'm in school, and had just had dinner with her the day before and > > took her shopping). My mother also hits me that day in the presence > > of my fiance starts crying and screaming she is going to have me > > arrested and she hit me. I am glad I had a witness. She proceeds to > > tell my family in the waiting room in tears that I want her arrested, > > I just asked her to stop hitting me, I keep a calm demeanor around > > her. I can't believe she is doing this to garner attention while my > > grandmother is ill. This is going on too long, I apologize. To be > > short, in the course of week before we discovered my grandmother had > > kidney failure. She convinced the nurses that I was abusive and a > > threat to my grandmother, and had me removed from the hospital (a call > > to an attorney and a conversation with the head of the hospital fixed > > that, I was allowed back into the hospital). I also had paperwork > > pending where I would receive custody of my grandmother and I planned > > to transfer back to my home state for my last semester of school > > because at this point I realize my mother has gone too far. However, > > my grandmother passes away. What should have been a family loving my > > grandmother turned into my mother's show. The sermon at her service > > was all about how my brother and I were cruel to my mother. She > > actually had the audacity to tell the minister how this was so hard > > for her and how this was a struggle for her. Not how amazing my > > grandmother was. She called security to put on a show because she > > told everyone she was afraid of my brother and I. This, after years > > of her blaming me for things I did not do, for being abused, kicked > > out as a young teenager and left homeless, told how I was so terrible > > all the time for not taking care of her by dropping out of undergrad. > > This was the last straw. This was it, I wanted nothin gmore to do > > with her. I should have been wise and years ago stopped trying, but I > > couldn't. I have rattled on for a long while now. But, that's why > > I'm here, to sort out my feelings, learn how to deal with this. Get > > over my anger. I think I have taken the right first step by cutting > > her out of my life forever, but any insight one of you may have I " ll > take. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 Hey Letty, if you can get ahold of the cemetary, they will have a map that should show you where the grave is. I know it doesn't take the sting of what they did away, but it may help you find her grave. On Wed, Jul 16, 2008 at 12:01 PM, marketabletitle24 < marketabletitle24@...> wrote: > Letty, > > It is so weird how everyone's experiences on the board are so similar, > reading through so many of the threads I say to myself " oh my > goodness, she did the same to me. " I'm so sorry for your loss, do you > still have nc with your family or have you chose to try to connect > with them? It just seems like the actions of a nada or BP family > member are so painful that there is no way you could ever contact them > again. The lies, the beratement, it just seems impossible. > > le > > > > > > > > Hi, I am not sure how to start with a group like this. I have a BPD > > > mother who I recently cut off contact with. I have a lot of anger and > > > resentment in how she treated me. The final point with her was when > > > my grandmother, who basically raised me because my mother was not > > > capable, passed away. I chose to go to grad school in another state, > > > I knew doing this meant my mother would be responsible for her the > > > next three years with my brother there to monitor, not to mention my > > > grandmother could take care of herself. My grandmother is a strong > > > woman who was amazing and incredibly self sufficient until her death. > > > My mother did play power games with my grandmother and would do > > > things irrationally and accuse her of things like all of us. However, > > > my grandmother was able to cope and refused to kick my mother out of > > > her life. I regularly kept in contact with my grandmother and drove > > > 18 hours every month to go see her. During Christmas this year, while > > > I was home my grandmother fell. My mother is her emergency contact > > > since she lives in the city. My aunt phoned me to tell me my > > > grandmother was in the hospital, but that my mother was refusing to > > > tell any of us where she was because " we were cruel to her. " I was > > > aware that my mother is very self conscious of what non family members > > > think of her so when she refused to tell me where my grandmother was > > > using the same tirade she did with my aunt, I had my fiance's mother > > > call her. My fiance's mother came with me to the hospital (I refuse > > > to be alone with my mother she creates elaborate, false stories of the > > > abuse she endures from me when we're alone when in fact it's quite the > > > opposite). Where I find my grandmother is well. My mother then > > > proceeds to berate me in front of the doctor saying I Haven't spoken > > > to my grandmother in years (I called her every other day about when > > > I'm in school, and had just had dinner with her the day before and > > > took her shopping). My mother also hits me that day in the presence > > > of my fiance starts crying and screaming she is going to have me > > > arrested and she hit me. I am glad I had a witness. She proceeds to > > > tell my family in the waiting room in tears that I want her arrested, > > > I just asked her to stop hitting me, I keep a calm demeanor around > > > her. I can't believe she is doing this to garner attention while my > > > grandmother is ill. This is going on too long, I apologize. To be > > > short, in the course of week before we discovered my grandmother had > > > kidney failure. She convinced the nurses that I was abusive and a > > > threat to my grandmother, and had me removed from the hospital (a call > > > to an attorney and a conversation with the head of the hospital fixed > > > that, I was allowed back into the hospital). I also had paperwork > > > pending where I would receive custody of my grandmother and I planned > > > to transfer back to my home state for my last semester of school > > > because at this point I realize my mother has gone too far. However, > > > my grandmother passes away. What should have been a family loving my > > > grandmother turned into my mother's show. The sermon at her service > > > was all about how my brother and I were cruel to my mother. She > > > actually had the audacity to tell the minister how this was so hard > > > for her and how this was a struggle for her. Not how amazing my > > > grandmother was. She called security to put on a show because she > > > told everyone she was afraid of my brother and I. This, after years > > > of her blaming me for things I did not do, for being abused, kicked > > > out as a young teenager and left homeless, told how I was so terrible > > > all the time for not taking care of her by dropping out of undergrad. > > > This was the last straw. This was it, I wanted nothin gmore to do > > > with her. I should have been wise and years ago stopped trying, but I > > > couldn't. I have rattled on for a long while now. But, that's why > > > I'm here, to sort out my feelings, learn how to deal with this. Get > > > over my anger. I think I have taken the right first step by cutting > > > her out of my life forever, but any insight one of you may have I " ll > > take. > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 Yes, they should have a plot # and section for you.  We gotta take care of our own.  Take Care Of You, JaneSoul Re: Re: new Hey Letty, if you can get ahold of the cemetary, they will have a map that should show you where the grave is. I know it doesn't take the sting of what they did away, but it may help you find her grave. On Wed, Jul 16, 2008 at 12:01 PM, marketabletitle24 < marketabletitle24@ yahoo.com> wrote: > Letty, > > It is so weird how everyone's experiences on the board are so similar, > reading through so many of the threads I say to myself " oh my > goodness, she did the same to me. " I'm so sorry for your loss, do you > still have nc with your family or have you chose to try to connect > with them? It just seems like the actions of a nada or BP family > member are so painful that there is no way you could ever contact them > again. The lies, the beratement, it just seems impossible. > > le > > > > > > > > Hi, I am not sure how to start with a group like this. I have a BPD > > > mother who I recently cut off contact with. I have a lot of anger and > > > resentment in how she treated me. The final point with her was when > > > my grandmother, who basically raised me because my mother was not > > > capable, passed away. I chose to go to grad school in another state, > > > I knew doing this meant my mother would be responsible for her the > > > next three years with my brother there to monitor, not to mention my > > > grandmother could take care of herself. My grandmother is a strong > > > woman who was amazing and incredibly self sufficient until her death. > > > My mother did play power games with my grandmother and would do > > > things irrationally and accuse her of things like all of us. However, > > > my grandmother was able to cope and refused to kick my mother out of > > > her life. I regularly kept in contact with my grandmother and drove > > > 18 hours every month to go see her. During Christmas this year, while > > > I was home my grandmother fell. My mother is her emergency contact > > > since she lives in the city. My aunt phoned me to tell me my > > > grandmother was in the hospital, but that my mother was refusing to > > > tell any of us where she was because " we were cruel to her. " I was > > > aware that my mother is very self conscious of what non family members > > > think of her so when she refused to tell me where my grandmother was > > > using the same tirade she did with my aunt, I had my fiance's mother > > > call her. My fiance's mother came with me to the hospital (I refuse > > > to be alone with my mother she creates elaborate, false stories of the > > > abuse she endures from me when we're alone when in fact it's quite the > > > opposite). Where I find my grandmother is well. My mother then > > > proceeds to berate me in front of the doctor saying I Haven't spoken > > > to my grandmother in years (I called her every other day about when > > > I'm in school, and had just had dinner with her the day before and > > > took her shopping). My mother also hits me that day in the presence > > > of my fiance starts crying and screaming she is going to have me > > > arrested and she hit me. I am glad I had a witness. She proceeds to > > > tell my family in the waiting room in tears that I want her arrested, > > > I just asked her to stop hitting me, I keep a calm demeanor around > > > her. I can't believe she is doing this to garner attention while my > > > grandmother is ill. This is going on too long, I apologize. To be > > > short, in the course of week before we discovered my grandmother had > > > kidney failure. She convinced the nurses that I was abusive and a > > > threat to my grandmother, and had me removed from the hospital (a call > > > to an attorney and a conversation with the head of the hospital fixed > > > that, I was allowed back into the hospital). I also had paperwork > > > pending where I would receive custody of my grandmother and I planned > > > to transfer back to my home state for my last semester of school > > > because at this point I realize my mother has gone too far. However, > > > my grandmother passes away. What should have been a family loving my > > > grandmother turned into my mother's show. The sermon at her service > > > was all about how my brother and I were cruel to my mother. She > > > actually had the audacity to tell the minister how this was so hard > > > for her and how this was a struggle for her. Not how amazing my > > > grandmother was. She called security to put on a show because she > > > told everyone she was afraid of my brother and I. This, after years > > > of her blaming me for things I did not do, for being abused, kicked > > > out as a young teenager and left homeless, told how I was so terrible > > > all the time for not taking care of her by dropping out of undergrad. > > > This was the last straw. This was it, I wanted nothin gmore to do > > > with her. I should have been wise and years ago stopped trying, but I > > > couldn't. I have rattled on for a long while now. But, that's why > > > I'm here, to sort out my feelings, learn how to deal with this. Get > > > over my anger. I think I have taken the right first step by cutting > > > her out of my life forever, but any insight one of you may have I " ll > > take. > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 > > > Letty, > > > > It is so weird how everyone's experiences on the board are so similar, > > reading through so many of the threads I say to myself " oh my > > goodness, she did the same to me. " I'm so sorry for your loss, do you > > still have nc with your family or have you chose to try to connect > > with them? It just seems like the actions of a nada or BP family > > member are so painful that there is no way you could ever contact them > > again. The lies, the beratement, it just seems impossible. > > > > le > > Letty- I am so sorry for your loss. Even if they didn't tell you the cemetary, you should be able to order a death certificate which may have the cemetery information on it. I know from doing genealogy research that Michigan Death certificates contain that information. What a horrible situation...you have my sympathies. JJFan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 Wow. I don't have advice because I am also new to this idea. The idea that I might actually understand some of the reasoning behind my abusive mother. Your story seems so familiar to me. Not by details but the chain of events that transpired with her. It seems like so many of my childhood and present memories. Doesn't it seem that any time the focus shifts from her that some type of outburst occurs. It has always been so confusing to me that one minute she can tolerate me and the next she hates me for no reason. She tends to use me and my sisters to hurt one another when possible. A few years ago one sister had a baby. Mom decided she was speaking to my other sister (who knows why). Then I realized that she was kissing up to me to make my sister feel like an outcast. I was sick that she was using me to hurt my sister. Since then I haven't allowed that. I am also her target at times. She tells me that she hates me and never wants to speak to me again, etc...... I work in behavioral education and let me warn you that by ignoring her, her behavior will increase tremendously before it decreases. That is proven and is the nature of the beast with all behaviors. But it should decrease if you continue to ignore her. Even a bad reaction on your part is a reward for her because it is a reaction. You mentioned that you were engaged, my mom cursed at me in front of 175 guests at my wedding reception because I was thinking of myself and wasn't even considering that it was her day. Something to think about........ > > Hi, I am not sure how to start with a group like this. I have a BPD > mother who I recently cut off contact with. I have a lot of anger and > resentment in how she treated me. The final point with her was when > my grandmother, who basically raised me because my mother was not > capable, passed away. I chose to go to grad school in another state, > I knew doing this meant my mother would be responsible for her the > next three years with my brother there to monitor, not to mention my > grandmother could take care of herself. My grandmother is a strong > woman who was amazing and incredibly self sufficient until her death. > My mother did play power games with my grandmother and would do > things irrationally and accuse her of things like all of us. However, > my grandmother was able to cope and refused to kick my mother out of > her life. I regularly kept in contact with my grandmother and drove > 18 hours every month to go see her. During Christmas this year, while > I was home my grandmother fell. My mother is her emergency contact > since she lives in the city. My aunt phoned me to tell me my > grandmother was in the hospital, but that my mother was refusing to > tell any of us where she was because " we were cruel to her. " I was > aware that my mother is very self conscious of what non family members > think of her so when she refused to tell me where my grandmother was > using the same tirade she did with my aunt, I had my fiance's mother > call her. My fiance's mother came with me to the hospital (I refuse > to be alone with my mother she creates elaborate, false stories of the > abuse she endures from me when we're alone when in fact it's quite the > opposite). Where I find my grandmother is well. My mother then > proceeds to berate me in front of the doctor saying I Haven't spoken > to my grandmother in years (I called her every other day about when > I'm in school, and had just had dinner with her the day before and > took her shopping). My mother also hits me that day in the presence > of my fiance starts crying and screaming she is going to have me > arrested and she hit me. I am glad I had a witness. She proceeds to > tell my family in the waiting room in tears that I want her arrested, > I just asked her to stop hitting me, I keep a calm demeanor around > her. I can't believe she is doing this to garner attention while my > grandmother is ill. This is going on too long, I apologize. To be > short, in the course of week before we discovered my grandmother had > kidney failure. She convinced the nurses that I was abusive and a > threat to my grandmother, and had me removed from the hospital (a call > to an attorney and a conversation with the head of the hospital fixed > that, I was allowed back into the hospital). I also had paperwork > pending where I would receive custody of my grandmother and I planned > to transfer back to my home state for my last semester of school > because at this point I realize my mother has gone too far. However, > my grandmother passes away. What should have been a family loving my > grandmother turned into my mother's show. The sermon at her service > was all about how my brother and I were cruel to my mother. She > actually had the audacity to tell the minister how this was so hard > for her and how this was a struggle for her. Not how amazing my > grandmother was. She called security to put on a show because she > told everyone she was afraid of my brother and I. This, after years > of her blaming me for things I did not do, for being abused, kicked > out as a young teenager and left homeless, told how I was so terrible > all the time for not taking care of her by dropping out of undergrad. > This was the last straw. This was it, I wanted nothin gmore to do > with her. I should have been wise and years ago stopped trying, but I > couldn't. I have rattled on for a long while now. But, that's why > I'm here, to sort out my feelings, learn how to deal with this. Get > over my anger. I think I have taken the right first step by cutting > her out of my life forever, but any insight one of you may have I " ll take. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 Lucy, When I say NC, I mean I am moving to Africa, literally with my fiance' to work for year. She has no clue and I have given her strict instructions that if she contacts me again I will file a restraining order against her. I keep all threats in letter form and voicemail documented (in my line of work you learn about what you need for a restraining order). I also will not be inviting her to my wedding. I have learned something very important with her, unless I want to be happy or unless I enjoy the drama of being hurt by her, I should not have contact with her. That being said I wont' be getting married for two more years, hopefully by then I will be very difficult to find and she will have moved on to a new person focus on. I do keep in touch with her side of the family, some of them understand she is ill others feed into her behaviors. When I first started ignoring her she would send me messages saying I was being sued or that doctors were calling her to collect bills. I am an attorney, I have access to databases that let me know if I am being sued or I can check my credit report to see if I owe money. She was so desperate to find me. She wrote me letters telling me I was abusive and that all she ever wanted to do was love me. I was finally strong enough not to fall for that again. The last letter she sent me talked about how she is God and she is love and only love and rattled on about how she is God's light. I cringed reading it, realizing my refusal to give her power has really pushed her over the edge. I know what I did is right in cutting of contact for now, but my problem now is understanding the anger and resentment I feel. I have been with my fiance for six years and there are times I feel such anger that I snap at everything, the other day I threw toast across a room (I mean who throws toast?). I am here to figure out how to stop being pissed and letting those memories of my nada affect me like they do. Sometimes I want to call the nada and lose my cool demeanor and tell her she's sick that she's tried to ruin my life but lost, and that it must kill her she's lost control over me, however I know that would just be feeding back into her. And what do I do when she needs nursing care or financial support, how do I step in again without letting her control me? I am so confused, yes NC is right for right now, but what about when she's an invalid? > > > > Hi, I am not sure how to start with a group like this. I have a BPD > > mother who I recently cut off contact with. I have a lot of anger > and > > resentment in how she treated me. The final point with her was when > > my grandmother, who basically raised me because my mother was not > > capable, passed away. I chose to go to grad school in another > state, > > I knew doing this meant my mother would be responsible for her the > > next three years with my brother there to monitor, not to mention my > > grandmother could take care of herself. My grandmother is a strong > > woman who was amazing and incredibly self sufficient until her > death. > > My mother did play power games with my grandmother and would do > > things irrationally and accuse her of things like all of us. > However, > > my grandmother was able to cope and refused to kick my mother out of > > her life. I regularly kept in contact with my grandmother and drove > > 18 hours every month to go see her. During Christmas this year, > while > > I was home my grandmother fell. My mother is her emergency contact > > since she lives in the city. My aunt phoned me to tell me my > > grandmother was in the hospital, but that my mother was refusing to > > tell any of us where she was because " we were cruel to her. " I was > > aware that my mother is very self conscious of what non family > members > > think of her so when she refused to tell me where my grandmother was > > using the same tirade she did with my aunt, I had my fiance's mother > > call her. My fiance's mother came with me to the hospital (I refuse > > to be alone with my mother she creates elaborate, false stories of > the > > abuse she endures from me when we're alone when in fact it's quite > the > > opposite). Where I find my grandmother is well. My mother then > > proceeds to berate me in front of the doctor saying I Haven't spoken > > to my grandmother in years (I called her every other day about when > > I'm in school, and had just had dinner with her the day before and > > took her shopping). My mother also hits me that day in the presence > > of my fiance starts crying and screaming she is going to have me > > arrested and she hit me. I am glad I had a witness. She proceeds > to > > tell my family in the waiting room in tears that I want her > arrested, > > I just asked her to stop hitting me, I keep a calm demeanor around > > her. I can't believe she is doing this to garner attention while my > > grandmother is ill. This is going on too long, I apologize. To be > > short, in the course of week before we discovered my grandmother had > > kidney failure. She convinced the nurses that I was abusive and a > > threat to my grandmother, and had me removed from the hospital (a > call > > to an attorney and a conversation with the head of the hospital > fixed > > that, I was allowed back into the hospital). I also had paperwork > > pending where I would receive custody of my grandmother and I > planned > > to transfer back to my home state for my last semester of school > > because at this point I realize my mother has gone too far. > However, > > my grandmother passes away. What should have been a family loving > my > > grandmother turned into my mother's show. The sermon at her service > > was all about how my brother and I were cruel to my mother. She > > actually had the audacity to tell the minister how this was so hard > > for her and how this was a struggle for her. Not how amazing my > > grandmother was. She called security to put on a show because she > > told everyone she was afraid of my brother and I. This, after years > > of her blaming me for things I did not do, for being abused, kicked > > out as a young teenager and left homeless, told how I was so > terrible > > all the time for not taking care of her by dropping out of > undergrad. > > This was the last straw. This was it, I wanted nothin gmore to do > > with her. I should have been wise and years ago stopped trying, > but I > > couldn't. I have rattled on for a long while now. But, that's why > > I'm here, to sort out my feelings, learn how to deal with this. Get > > over my anger. I think I have taken the right first step by cutting > > her out of my life forever, but any insight one of you may have > I " ll take. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 You can also look up the obituary for details....genealogist here too  Take Care Of You, JaneSoul Re: new > > > Letty, > > > > It is so weird how everyone's experiences on the board are so similar, > > reading through so many of the threads I say to myself " oh my > > goodness, she did the same to me. " I'm so sorry for your loss, do you > > still have nc with your family or have you chose to try to connect > > with them? It just seems like the actions of a nada or BP family > > member are so painful that there is no way you could ever contact them > > again. The lies, the beratement, it just seems impossible. > > > > le > > Letty- I am so sorry for your loss. Even if they didn't tell you the cemetary, you should be able to order a death certificate which may have the cemetery information on it. I know from doing genealogy research that Michigan Death certificates contain that information. What a horrible situation... you have my sympathies. JJFan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 One day at a time. Worry about her being 'invalid' when it is time...not now. You could put me in the category of toast throwing. I get anger outbursts that I never had before. I beleive it is because I am expressing anger for the first time instead of repressing it. May last thing was slapping, yes...slapping a wall. Didn't want to damage the wall or break my bones, but a good sting was felt. I think that pissed me off even more. Gotta do what we gotta do.  Take Care Of You, JaneSoul Re: new Lucy, When I say NC, I mean I am moving to Africa, literally with my fiance' to work for year. She has no clue and I have given her strict instructions that if she contacts me again I will file a restraining order against her. I keep all threats in letter form and voicemail documented (in my line of work you learn about what you need for a restraining order). I also will not be inviting her to my wedding. I have learned something very important with her, unless I want to be happy or unless I enjoy the drama of being hurt by her, I should not have contact with her. That being said I wont' be getting married for two more years, hopefully by then I will be very difficult to find and she will have moved on to a new person focus on. I do keep in touch with her side of the family, some of them understand she is ill others feed into her behaviors. When I first started ignoring her she would send me messages saying I was being sued or that doctors were calling her to collect bills. I am an attorney, I have access to databases that let me know if I am being sued or I can check my credit report to see if I owe money. She was so desperate to find me. She wrote me letters telling me I was abusive and that all she ever wanted to do was love me. I was finally strong enough not to fall for that again. The last letter she sent me talked about how she is God and she is love and only love and rattled on about how she is God's light. I cringed reading it, realizing my refusal to give her power has really pushed her over the edge. I know what I did is right in cutting of contact for now, but my problem now is understanding the anger and resentment I feel. I have been with my fiance for six years and there are times I feel such anger that I snap at everything, the other day I threw toast across a room (I mean who throws toast?). I am here to figure out how to stop being pissed and letting those memories of my nada affect me like they do. Sometimes I want to call the nada and lose my cool demeanor and tell her she's sick that she's tried to ruin my life but lost, and that it must kill her she's lost control over me, however I know that would just be feeding back into her. And what do I do when she needs nursing care or financial support, how do I step in again without letting her control me? I am so confused, yes NC is right for right now, but what about when she's an invalid? > > > > Hi, I am not sure how to start with a group like this. I have a BPD > > mother who I recently cut off contact with. I have a lot of anger > and > > resentment in how she treated me. The final point with her was when > > my grandmother, who basically raised me because my mother was not > > capable, passed away. I chose to go to grad school in another > state, > > I knew doing this meant my mother would be responsible for her the > > next three years with my brother there to monitor, not to mention my > > grandmother could take care of herself. My grandmother is a strong > > woman who was amazing and incredibly self sufficient until her > death. > > My mother did play power games with my grandmother and would do > > things irrationally and accuse her of things like all of us.. > However, > > my grandmother was able to cope and refused to kick my mother out of > > her life. I regularly kept in contact with my grandmother and drove > > 18 hours every month to go see her. During Christmas this year, > while > > I was home my grandmother fell. My mother is her emergency contact > > since she lives in the city. My aunt phoned me to tell me my > > grandmother was in the hospital, but that my mother was refusing to > > tell any of us where she was because " we were cruel to her. " I was > > aware that my mother is very self conscious of what non family > members > > think of her so when she refused to tell me where my grandmother was > > using the same tirade she did with my aunt, I had my fiance's mother > > call her. My fiance's mother came with me to the hospital (I refuse > > to be alone with my mother she creates elaborate, false stories of > the > > abuse she endures from me when we're alone when in fact it's quite > the > > opposite). Where I find my grandmother is well. My mother then > > proceeds to berate me in front of the doctor saying I Haven't spoken > > to my grandmother in years (I called her every other day about when > > I'm in school, and had just had dinner with her the day before and > > took her shopping). My mother also hits me that day in the presence > > of my fiance starts crying and screaming she is going to have me > > arrested and she hit me. I am glad I had a witness. She proceeds > to > > tell my family in the waiting room in tears that I want her > arrested, > > I just asked her to stop hitting me, I keep a calm demeanor around > > her. I can't believe she is doing this to garner attention while my > > grandmother is ill. This is going on too long, I apologize. To be > > short, in the course of week before we discovered my grandmother had > > kidney failure. She convinced the nurses that I was abusive and a > > threat to my grandmother, and had me removed from the hospital (a > call > > to an attorney and a conversation with the head of the hospital > fixed > > that, I was allowed back into the hospital). I also had paperwork > > pending where I would receive custody of my grandmother and I > planned > > to transfer back to my home state for my last semester of school > > because at this point I realize my mother has gone too far. > However, > > my grandmother passes away. What should have been a family loving > my > > grandmother turned into my mother's show. The sermon at her service > > was all about how my brother and I were cruel to my mother. She > > actually had the audacity to tell the minister how this was so hard > > for her and how this was a struggle for her. Not how amazing my > > grandmother was. She called security to put on a show because she > > told everyone she was afraid of my brother and I. This, after years > > of her blaming me for things I did not do, for being abused, kicked > > out as a young teenager and left homeless, told how I was so > terrible > > all the time for not taking care of her by dropping out of > undergrad. > > This was the last straw. This was it, I wanted nothin gmore to do > > with her. I should have been wise and years ago stopped trying, > but I > > couldn't. I have rattled on for a long while now. But, that's why > > I'm here, to sort out my feelings, learn how to deal with this. Get > > over my anger. I think I have taken the right first step by cutting > > her out of my life forever, but any insight one of you may have > I " ll take. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2008 Report Share Posted July 17, 2008 wow, that is really painful to read and I am so sorry that you have been treated this way, it is such a shame. The " I am God and light " thing sounds very manic-phase bi-polar and/or she's high on pills or something too. I think the anger is just a sign that you are in a safe enough place that you are ready to deal with the emotions you may have been stuffing, I had a friend who was a counselor in a juvenile facility and she used to refer to 'anger reduction work' as something they had to do with kids to get them past the anger at their abusive home situations so that they don't further self- destruct. I think as KO's we have our own anger reduction work, it's just different for each person the methods that help us get our anger out and move past it; I think you're right that even though it's logical to contact her and vent your anger at her, because she's the one that caused it, it would be self-destructive to do so, so you have to find ways to express the anger (sometimes just posting here and getting support helps me) without doing the self- destructive thing of contacting her. It might help just to focus on your own emotions right now and not worry about the circumstances from the future that may or may not happen. Once when I was in a group therapy thing they had us talk to a chair as if the person were sitting there. They had us beat pillows do those kinds of things. Some people use physical exercise. I think you should honor that anger for it is justified and then do whatever helps you to express it in a non-destructive way and move it out of your body. Congrats on all you have achieved despite being raised by a crazy lady, you have so much to be proud of. (((Hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2008 Report Share Posted July 18, 2008 Wow, your mother is bpd. Nothing from your email surpises me, I would expect the same behavior from my nada (Not a Mother). My mother attempted to push me out the my terminally ill father's hospital room because she didn't want me to be able to see him. Why? I just realized that my nada has never been able to see beyond herself in all situations. It is pretty crappy when your own mother does not care about you and your feelings. Her main goal is to have attention on her favorite person - herself! Nothing you do will ever change this. I cut off contact with my nada (1) year ago. The first three months of no contact were the toughest on me. I was furious with her and some of the anger may never leave me. I am no longer an angry person, though. I grieved my father and nada as if they both died. The rest of my family no longer talks to me either. I pretend I lost everyone in an accident, it makes it easier somehow in my nind. I just kept myself very busy for the first six months of no contact. I read some books on borderline personality disorder and began to stop blaming myself for everything. You will need to find a few activities that you enjoy and try to learn how to relax. This is very hard to do because I am sure you have been on edge your entire life jumping to help pacify your mother's every anticipated need. After (1) year I am in a much happier place and no longer feel the severe sadness I used to feel. I've accepted that fact that my nada was never meant to be a mother and was not capable of being one. This fact does not have anything to do with me! Going to graduate school is an impressive accomplishment. Be proud of yourself and validate you own successes. I wish you all the best and I congratulate your decision of going no contact. marketabletitle24 wrote: Hi, I am not sure how to start with a group like this. I have a BPD mother who I recently cut off contact with. I have a lot of anger and resentment in how she treated me. The final point with her was when my grandmother, who basically raised me because my mother was not capable, passed away. I chose to go to grad school in another state, I knew doing this meant my mother would be responsible for her the next three years with my brother there to monitor, not to mention my grandmother could take care of herself. My grandmother is a strong woman who was amazing and incredibly self sufficient until her death. My mother did play power games with my grandmother and would do things irrationally and accuse her of things like all of us. However, my grandmother was able to cope and refused to kick my mother out of her life. I regularly kept in contact with my grandmother and drove 18 hours every month to go see her. During Christmas this year, while I was home my grandmother fell. My mother is her emergency contact since she lives in the city. My aunt phoned me to tell me my grandmother was in the hospital, but that my mother was refusing to tell any of us where she was because " we were cruel to her. " I was aware that my mother is very self conscious of what non family members think of her so when she refused to tell me where my grandmother was using the same tirade she did with my aunt, I had my fiance's mother call her. My fiance's mother came with me to the hospital (I refuse to be alone with my mother she creates elaborate, false stories of the abuse she endures from me when we're alone when in fact it's quite the opposite). Where I find my grandmother is well. My mother then proceeds to berate me in front of the doctor saying I Haven't spoken to my grandmother in years (I called her every other day about when I'm in school, and had just had dinner with her the day before and took her shopping). My mother also hits me that day in the presence of my fiance starts crying and screaming she is going to have me arrested and she hit me. I am glad I had a witness. She proceeds to tell my family in the waiting room in tears that I want her arrested, I just asked her to stop hitting me, I keep a calm demeanor around her. I can't believe she is doing this to garner attention while my grandmother is ill. This is going on too long, I apologize. To be short, in the course of week before we discovered my grandmother had kidney failure. She convinced the nurses that I was abusive and a threat to my grandmother, and had me removed from the hospital (a call to an attorney and a conversation with the head of the hospital fixed that, I was allowed back into the hospital). I also had paperwork pending where I would receive custody of my grandmother and I planned to transfer back to my home state for my last semester of school because at this point I realize my mother has gone too far. However, my grandmother passes away. What should have been a family loving my grandmother turned into my mother's show. The sermon at her service was all about how my brother and I were cruel to my mother. She actually had the audacity to tell the minister how this was so hard for her and how this was a struggle for her. Not how amazing my grandmother was. She called security to put on a show because she told everyone she was afraid of my brother and I. This, after years of her blaming me for things I did not do, for being abused, kicked out as a young teenager and left homeless, told how I was so terrible all the time for not taking care of her by dropping out of undergrad. This was the last straw. This was it, I wanted nothin gmore to do with her. I should have been wise and years ago stopped trying, but I couldn't. I have rattled on for a long while now. But, that's why I'm here, to sort out my feelings, learn how to deal with this. Get over my anger. I think I have taken the right first step by cutting her out of my life forever, but any insight one of you may have I " ll take. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2008 Report Share Posted July 18, 2008 You make very valid points. Sometimes I think that Africa wouldn't be far enough. My mother hasn't spoken to her mother in 15 years. Because of very similar circumstances. I think that if I cut her out of my life then I am responsding to her the way that she treated her mother. Viscious cycle. Luckily, I am very close to my father and sisters. My dad raised me and my two sisters after I turned 7. We all live in a small town and to leave would mean that I would be forced to leave my LOVED ones as well. She has begun to treat my 4 year old niece badly. Not too bad because she knows my sister won't let her see her anymore but just bad enough. Now that I know she has a problem and isn't just mean I kinda feel sorry for her. Like she is sick and needs help (would never acknowledge the problem, much less get help). Very torn....... Wish I had your strength. > > > > > > Hi, I am not sure how to start with a group like this. I have a BPD > > > mother who I recently cut off contact with. I have a lot of anger > > and > > > resentment in how she treated me. The final point with her was when > > > my grandmother, who basically raised me because my mother was not > > > capable, passed away. I chose to go to grad school in another > > state, > > > I knew doing this meant my mother would be responsible for her the > > > next three years with my brother there to monitor, not to mention my > > > grandmother could take care of herself. My grandmother is a strong > > > woman who was amazing and incredibly self sufficient until her > > death. > > > My mother did play power games with my grandmother and would do > > > things irrationally and accuse her of things like all of us. > > However, > > > my grandmother was able to cope and refused to kick my mother out of > > > her life. I regularly kept in contact with my grandmother and drove > > > 18 hours every month to go see her. During Christmas this year, > > while > > > I was home my grandmother fell. My mother is her emergency contact > > > since she lives in the city. My aunt phoned me to tell me my > > > grandmother was in the hospital, but that my mother was refusing to > > > tell any of us where she was because " we were cruel to her. " I was > > > aware that my mother is very self conscious of what non family > > members > > > think of her so when she refused to tell me where my grandmother was > > > using the same tirade she did with my aunt, I had my fiance's mother > > > call her. My fiance's mother came with me to the hospital (I refuse > > > to be alone with my mother she creates elaborate, false stories of > > the > > > abuse she endures from me when we're alone when in fact it's quite > > the > > > opposite). Where I find my grandmother is well. My mother then > > > proceeds to berate me in front of the doctor saying I Haven't spoken > > > to my grandmother in years (I called her every other day about when > > > I'm in school, and had just had dinner with her the day before and > > > took her shopping). My mother also hits me that day in the presence > > > of my fiance starts crying and screaming she is going to have me > > > arrested and she hit me. I am glad I had a witness. She proceeds > > to > > > tell my family in the waiting room in tears that I want her > > arrested, > > > I just asked her to stop hitting me, I keep a calm demeanor around > > > her. I can't believe she is doing this to garner attention while my > > > grandmother is ill. This is going on too long, I apologize. To be > > > short, in the course of week before we discovered my grandmother had > > > kidney failure. She convinced the nurses that I was abusive and a > > > threat to my grandmother, and had me removed from the hospital (a > > call > > > to an attorney and a conversation with the head of the hospital > > fixed > > > that, I was allowed back into the hospital). I also had paperwork > > > pending where I would receive custody of my grandmother and I > > planned > > > to transfer back to my home state for my last semester of school > > > because at this point I realize my mother has gone too far. > > However, > > > my grandmother passes away. What should have been a family loving > > my > > > grandmother turned into my mother's show. The sermon at her service > > > was all about how my brother and I were cruel to my mother. She > > > actually had the audacity to tell the minister how this was so hard > > > for her and how this was a struggle for her. Not how amazing my > > > grandmother was. She called security to put on a show because she > > > told everyone she was afraid of my brother and I. This, after years > > > of her blaming me for things I did not do, for being abused, kicked > > > out as a young teenager and left homeless, told how I was so > > terrible > > > all the time for not taking care of her by dropping out of > > undergrad. > > > This was the last straw. This was it, I wanted nothin gmore to do > > > with her. I should have been wise and years ago stopped trying, > > but I > > > couldn't. I have rattled on for a long while now. But, that's why > > > I'm here, to sort out my feelings, learn how to deal with this. Get > > > over my anger. I think I have taken the right first step by cutting > > > her out of my life forever, but any insight one of you may have > > I " ll take. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2008 Report Share Posted July 18, 2008 For sure. I am a passive person but I tend to get really overwhelmed and it causes mood swings. I feel so out of control. Not like I can't control myself but that I have no control of what is happening around me or to me. I know that I don't and never will be able to control others but I am easily manipulated, a people pleaser. I think this comes from my BPD mother. Always wanting to please her and being so afraid of the consequences when she wasn't pleased. Now I agree to things that I don't want to do for fear of someone being upset with me. Which, in turn, has caused me to develop friendships where people do get mad at me easily and over ridiculous things because they know I will fold and it will devastate me to think that I have hurt their feelings. Working on becoming more assertive. Not doing very well. > > > > > > Hi, I am not sure how to start with a group like this. I have a BPD > > > mother who I recently cut off contact with. I have a lot of anger > > and > > > resentment in how she treated me. The final point with her was when > > > my grandmother, who basically raised me because my mother was not > > > capable, passed away. I chose to go to grad school in another > > state, > > > I knew doing this meant my mother would be responsible for her the > > > next three years with my brother there to monitor, not to mention my > > > grandmother could take care of herself. My grandmother is a strong > > > woman who was amazing and incredibly self sufficient until her > > death. > > > My mother did play power games with my grandmother and would do > > > things irrationally and accuse her of things like all of us.. > > However, > > > my grandmother was able to cope and refused to kick my mother out of > > > her life. I regularly kept in contact with my grandmother and drove > > > 18 hours every month to go see her. During Christmas this year, > > while > > > I was home my grandmother fell. My mother is her emergency contact > > > since she lives in the city. My aunt phoned me to tell me my > > > grandmother was in the hospital, but that my mother was refusing to > > > tell any of us where she was because " we were cruel to her. " I was > > > aware that my mother is very self conscious of what non family > > members > > > think of her so when she refused to tell me where my grandmother was > > > using the same tirade she did with my aunt, I had my fiance's mother > > > call her. My fiance's mother came with me to the hospital (I refuse > > > to be alone with my mother she creates elaborate, false stories of > > the > > > abuse she endures from me when we're alone when in fact it's quite > > the > > > opposite). Where I find my grandmother is well. My mother then > > > proceeds to berate me in front of the doctor saying I Haven't spoken > > > to my grandmother in years (I called her every other day about when > > > I'm in school, and had just had dinner with her the day before and > > > took her shopping). My mother also hits me that day in the presence > > > of my fiance starts crying and screaming she is going to have me > > > arrested and she hit me. I am glad I had a witness. She proceeds > > to > > > tell my family in the waiting room in tears that I want her > > arrested, > > > I just asked her to stop hitting me, I keep a calm demeanor around > > > her. I can't believe she is doing this to garner attention while my > > > grandmother is ill. This is going on too long, I apologize. To be > > > short, in the course of week before we discovered my grandmother had > > > kidney failure. She convinced the nurses that I was abusive and a > > > threat to my grandmother, and had me removed from the hospital (a > > call > > > to an attorney and a conversation with the head of the hospital > > fixed > > > that, I was allowed back into the hospital). I also had paperwork > > > pending where I would receive custody of my grandmother and I > > planned > > > to transfer back to my home state for my last semester of school > > > because at this point I realize my mother has gone too far. > > However, > > > my grandmother passes away. What should have been a family loving > > my > > > grandmother turned into my mother's show. The sermon at her service > > > was all about how my brother and I were cruel to my mother. She > > > actually had the audacity to tell the minister how this was so hard > > > for her and how this was a struggle for her. Not how amazing my > > > grandmother was. She called security to put on a show because she > > > told everyone she was afraid of my brother and I. This, after years > > > of her blaming me for things I did not do, for being abused, kicked > > > out as a young teenager and left homeless, told how I was so > > terrible > > > all the time for not taking care of her by dropping out of > > undergrad. > > > This was the last straw. This was it, I wanted nothin gmore to do > > > with her. I should have been wise and years ago stopped trying, > > but I > > > couldn't. I have rattled on for a long while now. But, that's why > > > I'm here, to sort out my feelings, learn how to deal with this. Get > > > over my anger. I think I have taken the right first step by cutting > > > her out of my life forever, but any insight one of you may have > > I " ll take. > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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