AAAARRRRGHHHHH!

[Guest guest]

Seriously, that is the only sound I can make after another RIDICULOUS

conversation with my " mother. "

What is WRONG with me? Why do I let myself get sucked back in,

thinking that she actually gives a damn about anyone other than her

and my sister? Why do I do this to myself again and again? She is

CRAZY. I cannot believe how she rewrites history, I am just in AWE.

I cannot even comprehend how someone can see two pieces of

information that don't fit together, and instead of coming to a

LOGICAL conclusion about them, comes instead to the completely

irrational conclusion instead. Most people think the shortest route

between two points is a straight line, but dang if she won't make a

path that goes in circles instead! I want to scream, cry, punch

things, and bang my head into a wall all at once.

WHY am I so darn desperate to be treated with kindness by my mother

that I will continuously put myself in a position to be called a

liar, a bad person, and mentally ill? Why do I care? I KNOW she

isn't capable of loving me, but I still keep seeking it. I hate my

sister for the lies she tells that continue escalating this crap. I

hate her for the lies she's told about me my whole freaking life that

have made me look like I'm the person that SHE really is. I hate

that my mom believes it and doesn't love me enough to see through

it. I hate that she doesn't WANT to see through it.

How do I stop giving in to her persistent pushing for a

relationship? I have not had contact with her in over a month...then

yesterday she saw me in my car outside of a store and tried to get in

my car. I HAD TO go the store (I had a return to make, if I hadn't

gotten the money my account would be overdrawn) so I got out and she

ended up getting me to walk around the store with her for an hour.

Then today she called...and it turned into our normal phone calls.

How do I become stronger? The month of NC on my part was the longest

I've ever gone...is this faltering normal? Does it maybe just take

time? I am so ashamed of myself today.