Guest guest Posted May 23, 2000 Report Share Posted May 23, 2000 Jenn: Good luck w/the attorney tomorrow, don't let them bully you too much, if you are not happy w/this one get a new one. There are plenty of them. Let us know how it turns out, I'll be thinking of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 6, 2000 Report Share Posted June 6, 2000 , Everything is posted to the egroups. On the subject heading we mention if its a sensative subject. I hope this helps. Pam Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 6, 2000 Report Share Posted June 6, 2000 Valarie, We all pretty much sit around chatting all day on e-amil! You are more than welcome to send anything private or to the whole group. We're just cool like that! LOL I hope you are having a great day and try to stop by chat tonight! Kim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 6, 2000 Report Share Posted June 6, 2000 , It is up to you...if you have a short e-mail for a specific person, just put their name in the subject line. That way, if some of the members don't have a lot of time to read each and every e-mail, they won't feel bad just deleting! Take care, Krista Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2008 Report Share Posted July 14, 2008 Where was your father in all of this ranting and raving? Did he just let it happen? They laid a perfect guilt trip on you: provided the necessities of life(hence the guilt) without the emotional support to go along with it. No wonder you took the job abroad! My parents also cared far too much about what they looked like to the outside world, and not enough about what they were doing to me. I was fine as long as I fit nada's image of what I should be, but, then again that was everchanging. I'd say when I started to be me, she stopped being interested and went off the deep end. I'd say she hasn't known me since I was a preteen and I am her only living relative in the country. She is 82 now and doesn't even know me because she never asks about my interests because they don't align with hers and she just doesn't care. She only talks about herself and everything revolves around her. She has dementia as well, so I know it will never change. I provide her with the necessities in the long term care facility, but emotionally I protect myself, set boundaries and leave if she gets abusive. The nurses at the facility understand; they've experienced her meltdowns and rants firsthand. > > I am new to this list and not sure whether my mother has BPD or not. I > read the literature on the website and recognize so many of the > characteristics of her personality. But in reading other people's > stories on the site, I realise that others have suffered much more.. > > I am 44 & female. I was prompted to look up personality disorders > recently after talking with my sister who was subject to a verbal > attack by my mother. This is not unusual, and the attack was similar > to others in the past. But it was particularly painful as my sister is > going through a hard time personally for which she is in counselling. > My mother knows about this and has, in fact, been very supportive. But > suddenly she switched, accusing my sister of 'being a victim', > criticising her for her weight gain, and for being like me. The abuse > lasted about 3 hours during which time my sister was passive and cried. > > In talking afterwards to my sister about our experiences growing up, > my sister said 'we thought that was normal'. This got me thinking > about the persistence of the problem and about whether there was some > underlying cause. My experiences growing up are probably familiar to > some of you - from about age 11, nothing I did was correct. I was > criticised for being shy, for not participating in sports, for my > friends, for my boyfriend, for my career choices - the pattern was > always the same - a long argument (often up to 3-4 hours), that wasn't > really an argument in that it was completely one-sided, and sometimes > accompanied by hitting, always involving shouting and threatening > behaviour (e.g., hitting out at close range to my face, standing so > close that spits of rage would land on me). There was no way to end > these rants except by repeatedly saying sorry and by agreeing that I > was a pretty useless, hurtful, unhappy child/teenager/adult....I > learned over time that I could not confide in her as anything I said > would later be dragged up in one of these sessions, twisted and > distorted, my friends mocked and derided. Her public persona was very > different (e.g., many people describe her as warm, friendly, very > helpful - and she can be genuinely very helpful to the point of > martyrdom, - always looking out for someone to visit in hospital, > listening to people's problems, attending funerals...). Nobody in the > outside world ever knew about any problems in our family - admitting > failure was just not done - our family was perfect. > > During my 20s I left my country to work abroad and no visit home went > smoothly - even a one week visit was too long and the fighting would > start after a day or two. But during this time I distanced myself and > have recently (during the past 9 years or so) established a fairly > good relationship with her that is largely based around my own > children. I am ever careful not to cross boundaries and confide about > stuff - I also try to be supportive when she is experiencing stress. > > The reason I am confused is that apart from this, I was never > neglected, never wanted for things, and it is correct to say that my > parents probably sacrificed a lot to see us all though our education > etc. So many of the stories here report more awful abuse and the > official diagnosis of BPD says the person may engage in risky > behaviour that might lead to marraige breakdown, neglect etc. Our > house was always clean, our clothes laundered & ironed.... > > thanks > Joan > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2008 Report Share Posted July 14, 2008 Where was your father in all of this ranting and raving? Did he just let it happen? They laid a perfect guilt trip on you: provided the necessities of life(hence the guilt) without the emotional support to go along with it. No wonder you took the job abroad! My parents also cared far too much about what they looked like to the outside world, and not enough about what they were doing to me. I was fine as long as I fit nada's image of what I should be, but, then again that was everchanging. I'd say when I started to be me, she stopped being interested and went off the deep end. I'd say she hasn't known me since I was a preteen and I am her only living relative in the country. She is 82 now and doesn't even know me because she never asks about my interests because they don't align with hers and she just doesn't care. She only talks about herself and everything revolves around her. She has dementia as well, so I know it will never change. I provide her with the necessities in the long term care facility, but emotionally I protect myself, set boundaries and leave if she gets abusive. The nurses at the facility understand; they've experienced her meltdowns and rants firsthand. > > I am new to this list and not sure whether my mother has BPD or not. I > read the literature on the website and recognize so many of the > characteristics of her personality. But in reading other people's > stories on the site, I realise that others have suffered much more.. > > I am 44 & female. I was prompted to look up personality disorders > recently after talking with my sister who was subject to a verbal > attack by my mother. This is not unusual, and the attack was similar > to others in the past. But it was particularly painful as my sister is > going through a hard time personally for which she is in counselling. > My mother knows about this and has, in fact, been very supportive. But > suddenly she switched, accusing my sister of 'being a victim', > criticising her for her weight gain, and for being like me. The abuse > lasted about 3 hours during which time my sister was passive and cried. > > In talking afterwards to my sister about our experiences growing up, > my sister said 'we thought that was normal'. This got me thinking > about the persistence of the problem and about whether there was some > underlying cause. My experiences growing up are probably familiar to > some of you - from about age 11, nothing I did was correct. I was > criticised for being shy, for not participating in sports, for my > friends, for my boyfriend, for my career choices - the pattern was > always the same - a long argument (often up to 3-4 hours), that wasn't > really an argument in that it was completely one-sided, and sometimes > accompanied by hitting, always involving shouting and threatening > behaviour (e.g., hitting out at close range to my face, standing so > close that spits of rage would land on me). There was no way to end > these rants except by repeatedly saying sorry and by agreeing that I > was a pretty useless, hurtful, unhappy child/teenager/adult....I > learned over time that I could not confide in her as anything I said > would later be dragged up in one of these sessions, twisted and > distorted, my friends mocked and derided. Her public persona was very > different (e.g., many people describe her as warm, friendly, very > helpful - and she can be genuinely very helpful to the point of > martyrdom, - always looking out for someone to visit in hospital, > listening to people's problems, attending funerals...). Nobody in the > outside world ever knew about any problems in our family - admitting > failure was just not done - our family was perfect. > > During my 20s I left my country to work abroad and no visit home went > smoothly - even a one week visit was too long and the fighting would > start after a day or two. But during this time I distanced myself and > have recently (during the past 9 years or so) established a fairly > good relationship with her that is largely based around my own > children. I am ever careful not to cross boundaries and confide about > stuff - I also try to be supportive when she is experiencing stress. > > The reason I am confused is that apart from this, I was never > neglected, never wanted for things, and it is correct to say that my > parents probably sacrificed a lot to see us all though our education > etc. So many of the stories here report more awful abuse and the > official diagnosis of BPD says the person may engage in risky > behaviour that might lead to marraige breakdown, neglect etc. Our > house was always clean, our clothes laundered & ironed.... > > thanks > Joan > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2008 Report Share Posted July 14, 2008 re: > P.S. > Do all BPDs obsess about weight?!? this is totally my own personal point of view, but I remember someone telling me a long time ago when I first got into recovery for alcoholism that sexual abuse is *the* core issue behind addiction. For myself I suspect that sexual abuse and other forms of child abuse are behind the initiation of bdp tendencies in the brain and children who are being misused get a very usurious set of observations about relating to others and internal/external valuation. Sexual abuse and other abuses are tied to weight and over-eating for physical boundary reasons, plus eating can act like a drug for some people and it's generally true that only addicts obsess over a substance, people who are not addicted to a substance don't give it very much thought. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2008 Report Share Posted July 14, 2008 ps. do all BPs obsess about weight? My nada does not. She is beautiful and perfect. Just ask her. Cornie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2008 Report Share Posted July 14, 2008 Thanks le It is conforing to read that someone else has been confused and that a parent who acts in that way can also be 'so normal sometimes' as to make you disbelieve that there was something wrong. Or perhaps this is what should make us stop and think again that the person may have an illness and need some sympathy. I hope that you and yours are well. re obsessing about weight - i need to lose some too, about 40lbs to be precise Joan > I am in a similar position as you. My childhood wasn't as most here > describe, but it wasn't exactly normal either. I had been searching > for years for something to describe my mother's behavior and found > SWOE. I think if my mother weren't extremely religious, her risky > behaviors would be much worse. I don't know if a professional would > describe my mother as BPD. She is extremely good at being charming > when she needs to be and also presenting a completely fabricated life > as though she is a brilliant and eccentric person who has just been > misunderstood for all her years. > > At this point, BPD describes my mother's behavior so that I can learn > how to change my responses. I am often guilt filled that she can be > so normal sometimes and that I can have this secret diagnosis in my > mind. Right now she is being extremely BPD, so I am reading here > often. Although I am not making light of an abusive childhood, I > think it might be easier to clearly define what happened to you. I > find it extremely hard to say there is something wrong with my mother > when my childhood was filled with name brand clothes, violin lessons, > and way too much attention. > > My mother became much worse after I got married at the age of 23 (I am > now 34). I was really under her control until that point. She has > also recently turned a lot worse because I dared to move further from > her. I had an eager to please personality as a child and as a woman > in my 30s, I am not so eager to please. My mother used to walk around > telling everyone how I was just like her, but now that I stand up to > her I am just like my father. Someday perhaps I'll be me? > > I feel we do belong here, we just come from different experiences. > > le > > P.S. > Do all BPDs obsess about weight?!? > > > > > > > I am new to this list and not sure whether my mother has BPD or not. I > > read the literature on the website and recognize so many of the > > characteristics of her personality. But in reading other people's > > stories on the site, I realise that others have suffered much more.. > > > > I am 44 & female. I was prompted to look up personality disorders > > recently after talking with my sister who was subject to a verbal > > attack by my mother. This is not unusual, and the attack was similar > > to others in the past. But it was particularly painful as my sister is > > going through a hard time personally for which she is in counselling. > > My mother knows about this and has, in fact, been very supportive. But > > suddenly she switched, accusing my sister of 'being a victim', > > criticising her for her weight gain, and for being like me. The abuse > > lasted about 3 hours during which time my sister was passive and cried. > > > > In talking afterwards to my sister about our experiences growing up, > > my sister said 'we thought that was normal'. This got me thinking > > about the persistence of the problem and about whether there was some > > underlying cause. My experiences growing up are probably familiar to > > some of you - from about age 11, nothing I did was correct. I was > > criticised for being shy, for not participating in sports, for my > > friends, for my boyfriend, for my career choices - the pattern was > > always the same - a long argument (often up to 3-4 hours), that wasn't > > really an argument in that it was completely one-sided, and sometimes > > accompanied by hitting, always involving shouting and threatening > > behaviour (e.g., hitting out at close range to my face, standing so > > close that spits of rage would land on me). There was no way to end > > these rants except by repeatedly saying sorry and by agreeing that I > > was a pretty useless, hurtful, unhappy child/teenager/adult....I > > learned over time that I could not confide in her as anything I said > > would later be dragged up in one of these sessions, twisted and > > distorted, my friends mocked and derided. Her public persona was very > > different (e.g., many people describe her as warm, friendly, very > > helpful - and she can be genuinely very helpful to the point of > > martyrdom, - always looking out for someone to visit in hospital, > > listening to people's problems, attending funerals...). Nobody in the > > outside world ever knew about any problems in our family - admitting > > failure was just not done - our family was perfect. > > > > During my 20s I left my country to work abroad and no visit home went > > smoothly - even a one week visit was too long and the fighting would > > start after a day or two. But during this time I distanced myself and > > have recently (during the past 9 years or so) established a fairly > > good relationship with her that is largely based around my own > > children. I am ever careful not to cross boundaries and confide about > > stuff - I also try to be supportive when she is experiencing stress. > > > > The reason I am confused is that apart from this, I was never > > neglected, never wanted for things, and it is correct to say that my > > parents probably sacrificed a lot to see us all though our education > > etc. So many of the stories here report more awful abuse and the > > official diagnosis of BPD says the person may engage in risky > > behaviour that might lead to marraige breakdown, neglect etc. Our > > house was always clean, our clothes laundered & ironed.... > > > > thanks > > Joan > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2008 Report Share Posted August 24, 2008 Joan, is it possible she is keeping certain things from you? We recently found out my mum has had a 20 year gambling addiction. People with BPD are very intuitive and smart... they wouldn't find it hard to hide these things. ....and maybe she has the disorder but just not as bad as most. Consider yourself blessed =) V Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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