Re: Just want to be loved.....

[Guest guest]

" To love and be loved is the greatest joy on earth "   Unknown

I know that empty feeling you are talking about.  I do have a loving husband,

but sometimes even he can't reach me in my emptiness.  I usually do like you

said.  " curl up in a ball " in my cozy bed and let myself feel that comfort..  Do

something extra special today for yourself....any other work or duty can wait!

 

Take Care Of You,

JaneSoul

Just want to be loved.....

I hate that I have relaspes...today was such a day....and I know I

can't spend the rest of my life blaming nada and my father....because

nada abusive ways were worse when my father was not around, and he

was not around a lot.

But damn a normal childhood would have meant I would have a better

sense of self, good boundaries, not all the painful memories, such a

damaged core. Maybe I would have picked a healthy partner instead I

picked a male version of nada. I also wouldn't be so damn codependent

Tonight I wanted to just crawl up in a ball and have someone love

and hold me. That is all ....just to feel loved for me..

From the bottom of my heart I just want to be loved...and as

hard as I try it eludes me.... you know that love that is full of

kind words, supportive actions, no shaming or blaming, guilt and or

obligations. .

Do we- (I) elude love because we don't think we really deserve

it?

It hurts tonight, but not because of the pain....but the

emptiness of not having a loving mother and spouse in my

life....better days ahead.

Malinda

Malinda

[Guest guest]

((((((((Hugs to you malinda.)))))))))

I was listening to a talk radio show called " Voices In the Family "

with Dr. Dan Gottlieb. His guest yesterday was Dr. ,

professor, author and originator of Acceptance and Commitment

Therapy. How and why we get stuck in the traumatic experiences of

the past. And your childhood was a very long and drawn out trauma.

It takes time to recover from that.

Here's a link to the podcast of the show: I hope you find it helpful.

http://www.whyy.org/91FM/voices.html?rss

One of the ideas that the speaker addressed was eye opening for me.

He suggests that we examine the injury that we suffered. What was

the basic insult to our being. If we felt betrayed in an intimate

relationship, for example, we may put up strong walls to avoid

further betrayal. But in so doing we may keep all interactions out.

The speakers suggestion was to try to flip that over, and figure out

why this was so injurious to our psyche. For instance in the betrayal

example, we value loyalty and trust, at our core this is an important

value to us. So taking that information about our own strength of

character, we can move forward and create a life that is reflective

of that by being trustworthy and loyal.

I think I may have garbled it a bit.

In my own experience with my mil, I feel that she's been rejecting

and selfish from pretty much the moment I met her. And I realize

that is because as an individual, I value acceptance and being kind

and generous, as much as I yearn for acceptance and kindness in

return. Her behavior towards me has been an insult to my core

values, which were formed in my own FOO, not entirely without

struggle, and that is why it has caused me so much grief and angst,

and why I can't seem to " let go of it " . But I'm getting there!

You suffered egregious and long lasting ill treatment from your

nada. It is both painful and enlightening to see the many ways that

you have come to grips with this and continue to come to grips with

it. You are strong and wonderful. I hope that you continue to

believe that there is an end in sight. That your relapse is short

lived. Whatever it takes for you to get there, as long as you are

willing to keep moving through the pain and seek help, you'll make

it.

I'm sure that there are many other ways that you are actively

creating your recovery, too. You're getting there, malinda.

>

> I hate that I have relaspes...today was such a day....and I know

I

> can't spend the rest of my life blaming nada and my

father....because

> nada abusive ways were worse when my father was not around, and he

> was not around a lot.

>

> But damn a normal childhood would have meant I would have a

better

> sense of self, good boundaries, not all the painful memories, such

a

> damaged core. Maybe I would have picked a healthy partner instead I

> picked a male version of nada. I also wouldn't be so damn

codependent

>

> Tonight I wanted to just crawl up in a ball and have someone

love

> and hold me. That is all ....just to feel loved for me..

>

> From the bottom of my heart I just want to be loved...and as

> hard as I try it eludes me.... you know that love that is full of

> kind words, supportive actions, no shaming or blaming, guilt and or

> obligations..

>

> Do we- (I) elude love because we don't think we really deserve

> it?

>

> It hurts tonight, but not because of the pain....but the

> emptiness of not having a loving mother and spouse in my

> life....better days ahead.

>

> Malinda

>

> Malinda

>

[Guest guest]

Malinda, It WILL get better. Just knowing what's going on and working

on things can make a huge difference. You'll get healthier and

healthier and build relationships with healthier people--you'll find

love and acceptance within yourself and from others. And you'll also

find that some people will never love or accept you, but that you

don't care because you don't need it from everyone, you just need enough.

Trish

>

> I hate that I have relaspes...today was such a day....and I know I

> can't spend the rest of my life blaming nada and my father....because

> nada abusive ways were worse when my father was not around, and he

> was not around a lot.

>

> But damn a normal childhood would have meant I would have a better

> sense of self, good boundaries, not all the painful memories, such a

> damaged core. Maybe I would have picked a healthy partner instead I

> picked a male version of nada. I also wouldn't be so damn codependent

>

> Tonight I wanted to just crawl up in a ball and have someone love

> and hold me. That is all ....just to feel loved for me..

>

> From the bottom of my heart I just want to be loved...and as

> hard as I try it eludes me.... you know that love that is full of

> kind words, supportive actions, no shaming or blaming, guilt and or

> obligations..

>

> Do we- (I) elude love because we don't think we really deserve

> it?

>

> It hurts tonight, but not because of the pain....but the

> emptiness of not having a loving mother and spouse in my

> life....better days ahead.

>

> Malinda

>

> Malinda

>

[Guest guest]

i've been reevaluating my codependent nature. i try to keep myself

from getting codependent with my friends, but it can happen. i just

realized today how much it holds me back. it's like i suddenly

remember, " OH YEAH! i can do things by myself. i'm a big girl! " and

already this week i've designed 4 posters for my classroom, done tons

of research on female-female aggression, and applied to grad school.

and it's only tuesday.

but your email doesn't sound like a relapse to me. it sounds like

you really want to take responsibility for your life, but you're not

over the harm that other people have caused you. it sounds like you

are fed up with the way things are and you want someone to just care

about you. that sounds like a rational response. i mean, to me, a

relapse would be, " oh well, there's no chance anything could ever get

better, so I GIVE UP! " but you're saying, you know, this really is

not right and it's not the way i want my life to be. i'm not a

therapist, but that sounds like progress to me.

bink

>

> I hate that I have relaspes...today was such a day....and I know

I

> can't spend the rest of my life blaming nada and my

father....because

> nada abusive ways were worse when my father was not around, and he

> was not around a lot.

>

> But damn a normal childhood would have meant I would have a

better

> sense of self, good boundaries, not all the painful memories, such

a

> damaged core. Maybe I would have picked a healthy partner instead I

> picked a male version of nada. I also wouldn't be so damn

codependent

>

> Tonight I wanted to just crawl up in a ball and have someone

love

> and hold me. That is all ....just to feel loved for me..

>

> From the bottom of my heart I just want to be loved...and as

> hard as I try it eludes me.... you know that love that is full of

> kind words, supportive actions, no shaming or blaming, guilt and or

> obligations..

>

> Do we- (I) elude love because we don't think we really deserve

> it?

>

> It hurts tonight, but not because of the pain....but the

> emptiness of not having a loving mother and spouse in my

> life....better days ahead.

>

> Malinda

>

> Malinda

>

[Guest guest]

--- Trish,

I know it will and is getting better. Yes you are right some people

will never love and or accept me and I need to be ok with that. Oh

yes the healthier I get I hope I attract and have healthier people in

my life...and so each day I am working on this getting healthier.

Sounds like you have the voice of experience...so I thank you!

malinda

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " tlblack2006 "

wrote:

>

> Malinda, It WILL get better. Just knowing what's going on and

working

> on things can make a huge difference. You'll get healthier and

> healthier and build relationships with healthier people--you'll find

> love and acceptance within yourself and from others. And you'll

also

> find that some people will never love or accept you, but that you

> don't care because you don't need it from everyone, you just need

enough.

>

> Trish

>

>

>

>

> >

> > I hate that I have relaspes...today was such a day....and I

know I

> > can't spend the rest of my life blaming nada and my

father....because

> > nada abusive ways were worse when my father was not around, and

he

> > was not around a lot.

> >

> > But damn a normal childhood would have meant I would have a

better

> > sense of self, good boundaries, not all the painful memories,

such a

> > damaged core. Maybe I would have picked a healthy partner instead

I

> > picked a male version of nada. I also wouldn't be so damn

codependent

> >

> > Tonight I wanted to just crawl up in a ball and have someone

love

> > and hold me. That is all ....just to feel loved for me..

> >

> > From the bottom of my heart I just want to be loved...and as

> > hard as I try it eludes me.... you know that love that is full of

> > kind words, supportive actions, no shaming or blaming, guilt and

or

> > obligations..

> >

> > Do we- (I) elude love because we don't think we really

deserve

> > it?

> >

> > It hurts tonight, but not because of the pain....but the

> > emptiness of not having a loving mother and spouse in my

> > life....better days ahead.

> >

> > Malinda

> >

> > Malinda

> >

>

[Guest guest]

---Jane,

Amen...to the unknown quote...simply perfect and true. I am going

to do something special for me this weekend...not even sure what

yet...but just for. I am sorry you also get that empty feeling and

you are right no one can fill that spot.... not beven a loving

partner.

Thank you,

malinda

In WTOAdultChildren1 , Jane Soul

wrote:

>

> " To love and be loved is the greatest joy on earth "   Unknown

> I know that empty feeling you are talking about.  I do have a

loving husband, but sometimes even he can't reach me in my

emptiness.  I usually do like you said.  " curl up in a ball " in my

cozy bed and let myself feel that comfort..  Do something extra

special today for yourself....any other work or duty can wait!

>

>  

> Take Care Of You,

> JaneSoul

>

>

>

> Just want to be loved.....

>

>

> I hate that I have relaspes...today was such a day....and I know I

> can't spend the rest of my life blaming nada and my

father....because

> nada abusive ways were worse when my father was not around, and he

> was not around a lot.

>

> But damn a normal childhood would have meant I would have a better

> sense of self, good boundaries, not all the painful memories, such

a

> damaged core. Maybe I would have picked a healthy partner instead I

> picked a male version of nada. I also wouldn't be so damn

codependent

>

> Tonight I wanted to just crawl up in a ball and have someone love

> and hold me. That is all ....just to feel loved for me..

>

> From the bottom of my heart I just want to be loved...and as

> hard as I try it eludes me.... you know that love that is full of

> kind words, supportive actions, no shaming or blaming, guilt and or

> obligations. .

>

> Do we- (I) elude love because we don't think we really deserve

> it?

>

> It hurts tonight, but not because of the pain....but the

> emptiness of not having a loving mother and spouse in my

> life....better days ahead.

>

> Malinda

>

> Malinda

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

--- Bink,

First of all good job...on you seeing beyond being codependent

and doing things for you....no holding you back.

Secondly thank you for your insights, yes...I do want to take

more responsibility for my life. No I am not over the harm people

have caused me...and I am fed up...you read me quite well. I honestly

your response made me acknowledge what I am really feeling....so I

thank you so very much.

malinda

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " bink1227 "

wrote:

>

> i've been reevaluating my codependent nature. i try to keep myself

> from getting codependent with my friends, but it can happen. i

just

> realized today how much it holds me back. it's like i suddenly

> remember, " OH YEAH! i can do things by myself. i'm a big girl! "

and

> already this week i've designed 4 posters for my classroom, done

tons

> of research on female-female aggression, and applied to grad

school.

> and it's only tuesday.

>

> but your email doesn't sound like a relapse to me. it sounds like

> you really want to take responsibility for your life, but you're

not

> over the harm that other people have caused you. it sounds like

you

> are fed up with the way things are and you want someone to just

care

> about you. that sounds like a rational response. i mean, to me, a

> relapse would be, " oh well, there's no chance anything could ever

get

> better, so I GIVE UP! " but you're saying, you know, this really is

> not right and it's not the way i want my life to be. i'm not a

> therapist, but that sounds like progress to me.

>

> bink

>

>

>

> >

> > I hate that I have relaspes...today was such a day....and I

know

> I

> > can't spend the rest of my life blaming nada and my

> father....because

> > nada abusive ways were worse when my father was not around, and

he

> > was not around a lot.

> >

> > But damn a normal childhood would have meant I would have a

> better

> > sense of self, good boundaries, not all the painful memories,

such

> a

> > damaged core. Maybe I would have picked a healthy partner instead

I

> > picked a male version of nada. I also wouldn't be so damn

> codependent

> >

> > Tonight I wanted to just crawl up in a ball and have someone

> love

> > and hold me. That is all ....just to feel loved for me..

> >

> > From the bottom of my heart I just want to be loved...and as

> > hard as I try it eludes me.... you know that love that is full of

> > kind words, supportive actions, no shaming or blaming, guilt and

or

> > obligations..

> >

> > Do we- (I) elude love because we don't think we really

deserve

> > it?

> >

> > It hurts tonight, but not because of the pain....but the

> > emptiness of not having a loving mother and spouse in my

> > life....better days ahead.

> >

> > Malinda

> >

> > Malinda

> >

>

[Guest guest]

---

Rinkled,

Thank you so much for sharing all you did...your insights gave me

better insight into me.. It is taking me a very long time to recover

from my past....it sometimes just overshadows so many of choices,

actions and beliefs. Then I see what you wrote and a long drawn out

trauma is going to take time to recover from.

The betrayal theme is strong in my soul....from my mother,

husband and 2 friends in my life...

Thank you for helping me remember that I am strong and wonderful,

that can just elude me so very quickly...and I focus on the pain.

Yes, I am recovering..slowly but surely.

Thank you also for the link....and taking the time and effort

to help me see things in a different and healthier light.

malinda

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " rinkled " wrote:

>

> ((((((((Hugs to you malinda.)))))))))

>

> I was listening to a talk radio show called " Voices In the Family "

> with Dr. Dan Gottlieb. His guest yesterday was Dr. ,

> professor, author and originator of Acceptance and Commitment

> Therapy. How and why we get stuck in the traumatic experiences of

> the past. And your childhood was a very long and drawn out

trauma.

> It takes time to recover from that.

>

> Here's a link to the podcast of the show: I hope you find it

helpful.

>

> http://www.whyy.org/91FM/voices.html?rss

>

> One of the ideas that the speaker addressed was eye opening for

me.

> He suggests that we examine the injury that we suffered. What was

> the basic insult to our being. If we felt betrayed in an intimate

> relationship, for example, we may put up strong walls to avoid

> further betrayal. But in so doing we may keep all interactions

out.

> The speakers suggestion was to try to flip that over, and figure

out

> why this was so injurious to our psyche. For instance in the

betrayal

> example, we value loyalty and trust, at our core this is an

important

> value to us. So taking that information about our own strength of

> character, we can move forward and create a life that is reflective

> of that by being trustworthy and loyal.

>

> I think I may have garbled it a bit.

>

> In my own experience with my mil, I feel that she's been rejecting

> and selfish from pretty much the moment I met her. And I realize

> that is because as an individual, I value acceptance and being kind

> and generous, as much as I yearn for acceptance and kindness in

> return. Her behavior towards me has been an insult to my core

> values, which were formed in my own FOO, not entirely without

> struggle, and that is why it has caused me so much grief and angst,

> and why I can't seem to " let go of it " . But I'm getting there!

>

> You suffered egregious and long lasting ill treatment from your

> nada. It is both painful and enlightening to see the many ways

that

> you have come to grips with this and continue to come to grips with

> it. You are strong and wonderful. I hope that you continue to

> believe that there is an end in sight. That your relapse is short

> lived. Whatever it takes for you to get there, as long as you are

> willing to keep moving through the pain and seek help, you'll make

> it.

>

> I'm sure that there are many other ways that you are actively

> creating your recovery, too. You're getting there, malinda.

>

>

>

>

> >

> > I hate that I have relaspes...today was such a day....and I

know

> I

> > can't spend the rest of my life blaming nada and my

> father....because

> > nada abusive ways were worse when my father was not around, and

he

> > was not around a lot.

> >

> > But damn a normal childhood would have meant I would have a

> better

> > sense of self, good boundaries, not all the painful memories,

such

> a

> > damaged core. Maybe I would have picked a healthy partner instead

I

> > picked a male version of nada. I also wouldn't be so damn

> codependent

> >

> > Tonight I wanted to just crawl up in a ball and have someone

> love

> > and hold me. That is all ....just to feel loved for me..

> >

> > From the bottom of my heart I just want to be loved...and as

> > hard as I try it eludes me.... you know that love that is full of

> > kind words, supportive actions, no shaming or blaming, guilt and

or

> > obligations..

> >

> > Do we- (I) elude love because we don't think we really

deserve

> > it?

> >

> > It hurts tonight, but not because of the pain....but the

> > emptiness of not having a loving mother and spouse in my

> > life....better days ahead.

> >

> > Malinda

> >

> > Malinda

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Some suggestions....all, some, or one.  (I'd go for a full spa day myself )

Massage

Pedicure

manicure (both!)

Get hair done

a makeover

spray tan

buy something for yourself that you normally wouldn't

read a good book and spend as much time as you want doing it

bouquet of flowers

hot tub - or go swimming in a warm pool

watch tv all day

buy some bubbly and celebrate you!

 

Take Care Of You,

JaneSoul

Just want to be loved.....

>

>

> I hate that I have relaspes...today was such a day....and I know I

> can't spend the rest of my life blaming nada and my

father....because

> nada abusive ways were worse when my father was not around, and he

> was not around a lot.

>

> But damn a normal childhood would have meant I would have a better

> sense of self, good boundaries, not all the painful memories, such

a

> damaged core. Maybe I would have picked a healthy partner instead I

> picked a male version of nada. I also wouldn't be so damn

codependent

>

> Tonight I wanted to just crawl up in a ball and have someone love

> and hold me. That is all ....just to feel loved for me..

>

> From the bottom of my heart I just want to be loved...and as

> hard as I try it eludes me.... you know that love that is full of

> kind words, supportive actions, no shaming or blaming, guilt and or

> obligations. .

>

> Do we- (I) elude love because we don't think we really deserve

> it?

>

> It hurts tonight, but not because of the pain....but the

> emptiness of not having a loving mother and spouse in my

> life....better days ahead.

>

> Malinda

>

> Malinda

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>