I am NOT nuts! She is!!

[Guest guest]

After taking a day after my post to really just digest this and

reflect on things, I wanted to send a note out thank you guys for the

wonderful replies. Everyone really had such great input and your

responses meant a lot to me. It is just so beyond wonderful to have

others that understand.

The one thing that really struck me after I sent the email to the list

was that any child with a normal parent would never react like that to

an email from said parent. I couldn't believe how such simple words

really just cut me down and made me feel like I was a little kid

again. That reaction alone validated my NC with her.

I also took some time to reflect on where I was pre-NC, versus where I

am now. Such amazing differences. Before NC, I was always at her beck

and call, bent over backwards to make her happy. Spent the holidays

with both DH and I being miserable thanks to her. I wasn't working, I

wasn't doing anything but sitting on my behind all day every day and

sleeping half my life away. I really didn't have any friends. I was

often distant, and sometimes for no reason very angry towards DH. The

anger I had scared me at times - it could get so vehement.

After NC: this year DH and I spent the holidays totally alone, in our

own home for the very first time (in 11 years!!!). It was WONDERFUL!

We had a lovely meal for both Thanksgiving and Christmas and had no

stress. We ate at the only table we had - an old rickety card table

from his grandmother. It was entertaining and really created a

treasured memory of a fun and even entertaining holiday (hoping the

table wouldn't collapse). It even led to us purchasing a dining room

table (we always ate on the couch) to eat our dinners at because we

enjoyed the one-on-one meal time!

I now live my life for me and am doing some amazing things. I have

gone back to school to pursue my life long passion of becoming a

scientist. Something I denied myself for years because according to

her I wasn't good enough and would never succeed in it. It is one of

the hardest things I have done so far, but it is so worth all the hard

work!! I even got a 3.5 avg for my first semester!

I have cultivated a relationship with a wonderful woman who has now

become one of my closest friends. She gave birth to 2 beautiful twin

girls last August and I now spend some of my time while I am not in

school as their nanny. I love those little girls more than I ever

imagined I could love a child. Not only has my friend enriched my

life, but her children have as well. I am so honored to have a roll in

their upbringing, and enjoy every moment with them!

The anger is amazingly gone. Vanished like fog once the sun shines on

it. It still amazes me to think back and remember how angry I

was....and it all came from my relationship with her!

I am also just about done with legally changing my name. This was a

big deal for me as I felt that doing it would help me to really make

my own identity. I was originally named after a good friend of hers

and my middle name was also her middle name. The judge almost didn't

grant my request for this. I sent back a letter that was from the

heart explaining why I wanted to do this. It worked! The judge signed

off on the order and I just sent the packet of papers off to the

clerks office. Once the court clerk files it, I am official! It

shouldn't be long now. DH has been so supportive and encouraging in

this decision, and for that I love him dearly. It is amazing how much

power a simple name holds. She doesn't know about this and never will

if I have my way!!

I also took some steps to protect myself after that email. I have been

using a different account as my main account since going NC. She does

not have that address. I just deleted the account she emailed. I can

only imagine her reaction next time she emails me and get the message

that the account no longer exists! I am thinking about changing my

phone number too because I just don't want to deal with her at all. I

don't want to see her calls coming in anymore. That email really just

was the topper for me that I need to stay NC. After all I have

accomplished in just a short year, well....I know she would destroy it

all if I let her back in. I deserve better - I deserve this wonderful

life that I am growing into!!

Now that I got all that out, I wanted to take a moment to respond to

some of your comments.

Amy: Thanks you for the affirmation of my sanity! lol

: Yes, it was just a moment and I am sure it is over now.

Especially since I didn't go rushing to email her back or call her.

Lynnette: Thank you for what you said and for sharing a bit about your

experience with this. I like that - wishing for a " quirky " mom. Ya

know, that really fits the way I felt growing up with her.

Jess: Wow! You really picked up on some of the things I missed in that

email. You were dead on with the wording she choose. Thank you so, so

much for pointing all of that out. It really helped me see that email

for the farce it was!!

newmomagain08: Yes, she used to do the denying thing all the time. She

never truly remembered what she did. She did some pretty crummy things

to me as a child and when I brought them up as an adult I would get

" Oh xxx, I NEVER did that to you " . Hmm, yeah right - I just have all

these memories of my childhood that are dead wrong. Funny how that

works. You are right too - with BDP, they are so good at making you

doubt what you really know is true!

ashleyliza: YES! If she was normal I would never have crumbled like

that. Wow - looking back at it...what a reaction to have to something

so seemingly innocent and simple.

: Thank you for the comment about how questioning this just re-

affirms my normalcy. What you said about feeling like you have gone

through open heart surgery is so true too. Yup, I used to get fooled

too into thinking she changed and getting my hopes up. Good for you

for being done, I am too and sometimes that is just the way it has to

be.

Thank you again to all of you.

HUGS!!

Maeghan