The Doormat Syndrome

[Guest guest]

The book, The Doormat Syndrome is available in paperback at

amazon.com and can be ordered new or used. It is a VERY eye opening

read and I saw myself and how I could change and release the doormat

syndrome. blessings, mg

" If you have ever given to the point of exhaustion, felt dumped on or

ripped off, and puzzled to find yourself coming back for more; if you

are involved with people who don't appreciate you ..... you may be

experiencing The Doormat Syndrome. "

- Lynne Namka

Doormat behavior is taking on too much at your own expense. Doormats

come from a generational tradition of giving, giving, giving and then

getting mad because no one gives back to them. As a typical Doormat,

you:

* End up cooking and cleaning up the entire Thanksgiving and

Christmas dinners

* Run ahead of others to open the door for them

* Faithfully iron your husband's shorts when you never have time to

read a juicy novel

* Convince your family that you only like the chicken backs and necks

* Consistently bail out helpless people who are sure to fall on their

faces if you are not there

* Make it up to those poor souls who have been hurt by life's slings

and arrows.

* Perpetually go without so that he, she or they can go in style

Doormat behavior is a system of learned coping strategies of trying

to feel good about yourself. The bottom line is poor self-esteem.

You can literally become " hooked " into feeling good by pleasing

someone else.

Characteristics of " Doormats "

If you have even given to the point of exhaustion, felt dumped on or

ripped off, and puzzled to find yourself coming back for more; if you

are involved with people who don't appreciate you, if you equate love

with doing for others, you may be experiencing the Doormat Syndrome.

" Doormats " typically take on too much. They have a whole list of

things they should do and should be. They strive for perfection,

react to authority, appear strong, deny feelings, and keep a lid on

topics that are " not allowed " to be discussed. They commonly think:

I should always look good.

I should make everything in my life perfect or I am a failure

I should always be liked by everyone.

I should never make a mistake.

I should always be rational and fair (while others are allowed to

lose their heads).

I should never argue with those in authority.

I must always make the peace and not allow people to fight or argue.

I should never get angry.

I should never talk about how unhappy I am.

I should always be strong.

I should do it all myself.

I should try harder to be perfect, then things will be better.

I should give everything and put my needs aside.

I should deal in thoughts and not emotions.

I should make others feel good.

Children who grow up believing that their needs are far less

important than others are likely to become Doormats as adults.

Brought up with the notion that the way to help people is to feel

sorry for them, Doormats unconsciously reason, " He hurts; I don't;

therefore, I should feel bad. " Doormats then try to take on the

other person's pain for them, tell the other person what to do and

how to do it - and, if possible, Doormats will take over and handle

the problem. When they take care of others, they feel important,

worthy.

They may take secret pride in how strong they are and how much they

can take. This " no matter what " attitude is dangerous, because it

encourages others to heap it on. Doormats are great at addition and

look for extra burdens to take on, but they rarely are good at

subtracting the unnecessary weight from their shoulders.

Doormats also are likely to blame themselves when things go wrong, in

an attempt to ward off outside criticism and punishment of themselves

or others. Trying to be all things to all people, Doormats commonly

end up feeling that their self-sacrifice is not appreciated or

acknowledged. They may become bitter, viewing themselves as victims

or martyrs. Doormats often have some level of awareness of these

problems, but

feelings of insecurity and a low sense of self-worth keep them

trapped in the behavior.

They unconsciously choose to:

* completely deny what's going on

* accept the " facts " but deny the consequences with a " so what?

What's the big deal? That's the way things are. " attitude

* numb the emotions, refusing to feel badly, and adopt a Pollyanna

approach

* refuse to consider changing and maintain an underlying attitude of,

" Yes, it's true and it's getting worse, but there's nothing I can

do. "

Doormats need to learn ways of thinking and acting that are honest

and respectful both of themselves and of others. They need to learn

to value their own needs as much as they value the needs of others.

For the Doormat there is no fix like the fix of fixing someone who is

perceived to be broken. That's the heavy part. Now for the

lightness, cheer and happiness part. What has been learned can be

unlearned!

From the Doormat Syndrome by Lynn Namka