New Here

July 10, 2008

Malinda,

Thank you SO much for your response. Changing myself is what I am all

about!! I know that I have issues because of my childhood. For the

longest time I couldn't even get angry at my mom because I thought

that would make me a bitter person just like her and then I would be

all alone. Now, I find that even though it scares me to be all alone,

I know that I have been through far worse and I will survive and will

find happiness even if my " worst " fears come true which I know in my

heart won't because I am not her!

Thanks again for reading and responding, this feels so GOOD! I feel

like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders because there is a name

to what my mom has. I wish I would have known about this years ago.

It explains SO MUCH!!

>

> ,

>

> Welcome, I would say your mother is a BP. Bless you for

surviving and somehow thriving.

> You are doing the right thing, distancing yourself from your mother.

The whole berating and the incident with the food on your head at

dinner, as a mother was just a lot to even totally understand. I take

that back, I get that BP's do irrational things, but as a non BP- it

just hurts to think a parent could be so hurtful. Therapy helps and so

do the wonderful people here. Please know up front this is about you

getting healthy....and you changing. We can't change the BP, we have

no control over them....just ourselves.

>

> Somehow keep loving you and trusting you. Something inside of us

goes a little off course about trusting ourselves, when the first

person to love us betrays us and robs us of so much...that has been my

huge discovery. I am giving back to me in a very slow, painful at

times and dear God, yes healing the love, faith in self, and

compassion my mother never gave to me. We cannot change what they

have done to us, but we can remember daily that we deserve better and

we can give ourselves so much more then will be ever capable of giving

us. I know that this is not the way it is suppose to be- a screwed up

and unhealthy parent, but it is the way for children of BP's.. We do

make it and so will you. You are finding your way- YOU are here.

>

> Keep posting!

> Malinda

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: damemagnifique@...: Wed, 9 Jul 2008

23:11:48 +0000Subject: New Here

>

> Hi there!I just found this group today. I am pretty sure that my mom

has BPD although she would never go to a therapist because according

to herthat is something to be ashamed of. So I guess I will never

reallyknow for sure. I was severely verbally abused my whole life by

my mom while my dadand entire family sat back and didn't say a word.

Basically I havehad to walk on eggshells my entire life and if I

wasn't being verballyattacked, I was either being ignored or

humiliated like the time mymom didn't like the face I made at what she

made for dinner so shetook the full dinner plate and smashed it over

my head and then mademe sit through dinner with food all over my head

while my dad and herate like nothing had happened. This was after her

verbally beratingme at what a worthless ungrateful piece of sh*t I was

because of theface I supposedly made. I also wasn't allowed to cry or

show anyemotion because it would make my mom furious and the verbal

abuse was10 times worse. I could go on and on and usually when I do

confide insomeone that knows my mom they don't believe that she did

those thingsto me. Of course, to them she is super cool, really funny,

and alwaysnice. All she ever cares about is what other people might

think ofher so she is VERY manipulative and always conscious of

" otherpeople. " Everyone else is the bad guy and she is the victim. I

am in my 30s now and I haven't spoken to my mom since December.

Thefinal straw for me was watching my mom and dad attempt to force

mylittle sister to get married to a guy that hits her and is a

completeloser because my sister was pregnant. My mom actually admitted

to myface that my sister's boyfriend is a piece of sh*t and marriage

willnever work but she doesn't care because other people will think

she isa bad mom if she has a bastard grandchild. My mom did the same

thingto me when I was 17. She forced me to get married because I

wanted toshare a 2 bedroom apartment with my boyfriend after I

graduated highschool. And the funny thing is, I was so innocent back

then that Ireally was going to have my OWN room and we were going to

be roommatesinstead of boyfriend/girlfriend. She refused to sign my

studentloans, she had my dad disable my car, and she took my life

savings (anaccount that I had since I was 5 all saved by me) and would

only givethe stuff back if I got married. I did just so I could get

away fromher. I moved 2 hours away from her and then got myself

divorced. Ofcourse that was used against me for YEARS. So needless to

say whenshe did that to my sister I had it and have not spoken to her

since. So that's a little about my background and the reason I am on

thissite is because my biggest challenge is being able to get angry

ordisappointed, etc and handle it appropriately in my

personalrelationships. I have had a hard time with conflict, I either

shutdown, or blow up and then get so scared that the person I am mad

atwill leave me that I apologize and try to take back whatever I

mighthave done. Anyone figured out how to balance that? I have

beentrying to find something that can show me how to express myself in

ahealthy way but I can't seem to find anything that applies to

mysituation.Anyways, sorry this is so long. It's just that Ive never

really hadanyone to talk to that has been through this kind of stuff

before.... Thanks for understanding....Mel

>

> _________________________________________________________________

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senger_072008

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July 10, 2008

Thank for the advice! I will definitely be looking for those books.

I totally understand about the reduction in stress level. Since I

haven't talked to my family it has been the happiest time in my life!

At first my mom tried to guilt trip me through my sister crying to

her telling her that she doesn't know what she did wrong blah blah

blah. Which is b.s. because I was very clear to her the last time we

spoke. In a strange way I was glad she did that because it just

showed me again that I did the right thing.

> Hi there!

>

> I just found this group today. I am pretty sure that my mom has BPD

> although she would never go to a therapist because according to her

> that is something to be ashamed of. So I guess I will never really

> know for sure.

>

> I was severely verbally abused my whole life by my mom while my dad

> and entire family sat back and didn't say a word. Basically I have

> had to walk on eggshells my entire life and if I wasn't being verbally

> attacked, I was either being ignored or humiliated like the time my

> mom didn't like the face I made at what she made for dinner so she

> took the full dinner plate and smashed it over my head and then made

> me sit through dinner with food all over my head while my dad and her

> ate like nothing had happened. This was after her verbally berating

> me at what a worthless ungrateful piece of sh*t I was because of the

> face I supposedly made. I also wasn't allowed to cry or show any

> emotion because it would make my mom furious and the verbal abuse was

> 10 times worse. I could go on and on and usually when I do confide in

> someone that knows my mom they don't believe that she did those things

> to me. Of course, to them she is super cool, really funny, and always

> nice. All she ever cares about is what other people might think of

> her so she is VERY manipulative and always conscious of " other

> people. " Everyone else is the bad guy and she is the victim.

>

> I am in my 30s now and I haven't spoken to my mom since December. The

> final straw for me was watching my mom and dad attempt to force my

> little sister to get married to a guy that hits her and is a complete

> loser because my sister was pregnant. My mom actually admitted to my

> face that my sister's boyfriend is a piece of sh*t and marriage will

> never work but she doesn't care because other people will think she is

> a bad mom if she has a bastard grandchild. My mom did the same thing

> to me when I was 17. She forced me to get married because I wanted to

> share a 2 bedroom apartment with my boyfriend after I graduated high

> school. And the funny thing is, I was so innocent back then that I

> really was going to have my OWN room and we were going to be roommates

> instead of boyfriend/girlfriend. She refused to sign my student

> loans, she had my dad disable my car, and she took my life savings (an

> account that I had since I was 5 all saved by me) and would only give

> the stuff back if I got married. I did just so I could get away from

> her. I moved 2 hours away from her and then got myself divorced. Of

> course that was used against me for YEARS. So needless to say when

> she did that to my sister I had it and have not spoken to her since.

>

> So that's a little about my background and the reason I am on this

> site is because my biggest challenge is being able to get angry or

> disappointed, etc and handle it appropriately in my personal

> relationships. I have had a hard time with conflict, I either shut

> down, or blow up and then get so scared that the person I am mad at

> will leave me that I apologize and try to take back whatever I might

> have done. Anyone figured out how to balance that? I have been

> trying to find something that can show me how to express myself in a

> healthy way but I can't seem to find anything that applies to my

> situation.

>

> Anyways, sorry this is so long. It's just that Ive never really had

> anyone to talk to that has been through this kind of stuff before....

>

> Thanks for understanding....

>

> Mel

>

July 10, 2008

Bink,

What I really like about you....is this. You are no holds bar, and you are right

holy crap!

Even with super creepy parents....she is here.

Bink you keep it real and make me laugh....and I think you make a few others

laugh too.

Malinda

To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: i.miss.my.cupcake@...:

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 14:58:03 +0000Subject: Re: New Here

holy crap. forget borderline. your mom is absolutely psychotic andyour dad must

either be blind or completely brain dead to let a womanlike that pull that kind

of crap on his children. wow. i hope your sister has someone else she can rely

on. yourparents are super creepy.bink>> Hi there!> > I just found this group

today. I am pretty sure that my mom has BPD > although she would never go to a

therapist because according to her> that is something to be ashamed of. So I

guess I will never really> know for sure. > > I was severely verbally abused my

whole life by my mom while my dad> and entire family sat back and didn't say a

word. Basically I have> had to walk on eggshells my entire life and if I wasn't

being verbally> attacked, I was either being ignored or humiliated like the time

my> mom didn't like the face I made at what she made for dinner so she> took the

full dinner plate and smashed it over my head and then made> me sit through

dinner with food all over my head while my dad and her> ate like nothing had

happened. This was after her verbally berating> me at what a worthless

ungrateful piece of sh*t I was because of the> face I supposedly made. I also

wasn't allowed to cry or show any> emotion because it would make my mom furious

and the verbal abuse was> 10 times worse. I could go on and on and usually when

I do confide in> someone that knows my mom they don't believe that she did those

things> to me. Of course, to them she is super cool, really funny, and always>

nice. All she ever cares about is what other people might think of> her so she

is VERY manipulative and always conscious of " other> people. " Everyone else is

the bad guy and she is the victim. > > I am in my 30s now and I haven't spoken

to my mom since December. The> final straw for me was watching my mom and dad

attempt to force my> little sister to get married to a guy that hits her and is

a complete> loser because my sister was pregnant. My mom actually admitted to

my> face that my sister's boyfriend is a piece of sh*t and marriage will> never

work but she doesn't care because other people will think she is> a bad mom if

she has a bastard grandchild. My mom did the same thing> to me when I was 17.

She forced me to get married because I wanted to> share a 2 bedroom apartment

with my boyfriend after I graduated high> school. And the funny thing is, I was

so innocent back then that I> really was going to have my OWN room and we were

going to be roommates> instead of boyfriend/girlfriend. She refused to sign my

student> loans, she had my dad disable my car, and she took my life savings (an>

account that I had since I was 5 all saved by me) and would only give> the stuff

back if I got married. I did just so I could get away from> her. I moved 2 hours

away from her and then got myself divorced. Of> course that was used against me

for YEARS. So needless to say when> she did that to my sister I had it and have

not spoken to her since. > > So that's a little about my background and the

reason I am on this> site is because my biggest challenge is being able to get

angry or> disappointed, etc and handle it appropriately in my personal>

relationships. I have had a hard time with conflict, I either shut> down, or

blow up and then get so scared that the person I am mad at> will leave me that I

apologize and try to take back whatever I might> have done. Anyone figured out

how to balance that? I have been> trying to find something that can show me how

to express myself in a> healthy way but I can't seem to find anything that

applies to my> situation.> > Anyways, sorry this is so long. It's just that Ive

never really had> anyone to talk to that has been through this kind of stuff

before.... > > Thanks for understanding....> > Mel>

_________________________________________________________________

It’s a talkathon – but it’s not just talk.

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July 10, 2008

Hi!

Wow, I am so excited! I joined this group today (been trying for days to join

another Kids

of BPD Yahoo group, but I can't get in) and am thrilled to see that I'm not the

only one with

a f**ed up mother.

Mom hasn't been officially diagnosed with BPD, but my aunt (Mom's 2nd husband's

sister)

is a psychologist and has thought for years that Mom has BPD. I just found this

out a

couple years ago, and thought why didn't she tell me!! All these years I thought

Mom was

just crazy or something was wrong with me. It's nice that there's a name for it.

Anyway, the latest crap I'm dealing with is her shutting me out I *think* (not

sure why

exactly, I always have to guess) because I got married in June and didn't tell

her (or

anyone) for three weeks. It was our 2nd marriage and just kept it quiet, and

when I told

her, boy the s*it hit the fan. I'm 31 and yet she can still make me cry with her

tone of voice

and words. She's a master at holding grudges but never telling you why, and then

bringing

it up later to throw in your face. She got angry and said she didn't know my

now-husband,

even though she did meet him and she had another opportunity to spend a few days

with

him over my birthday in April, but she refused to come b/c she didn't want to

have to

" share " me with him. How childish! She was mad because my dad (her 2nd husband)

got to

spend my birthday with me and didn't have to share me with anyone. All this

happened in

April and I'm just hearing about it now. So she doesn't reply to my emails and

doesn't call,

and when I call her she just sits there like a bump on a log and doesn't

respond. I called

her Monday to see if she was okay b/c I hadn't heard from her via email (and

neither had

my husband, who sweetly emailed her after the marriage announcement blow-up to

explain to her how things had happened, and she ignored him) and she said she

" wasn't in

the mood " to email, she had sick and dying people all around her to deal with.

She works

at a church. It's such B.S. I used to be a social worker, husband used to be a

counselor, WE

got in the mood to email people, so she's just being a jerk.

A little history: Mom would say things to me when I was child like " You've

f**cked up my

life for 12 years, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!! " and called me an a**hole

once. She

would ignore me for days and not tell me what I'd done to make her mad, and

would not

accept apologies. She's what my husband calls an emotional bully. She tears you

down

until you break, then she softens up and makes you tea. It's very screwed up. At

this point

I just don't know what to do, as far as maintaining contact with her. She and I

once did not

speak for six months about 10 years ago, and I think we still would not be

talking to this

day had I not been the one to call and initiate communication.

Well, I feel like I'm just getting started with all this. Would love to hear

more about your

experiences.

Ashly