wanting to confront

[Guest guest]

Feeling that I want to confront my dad. or my parents.

I should mention that I've posted a couple times on here, not enough to really

be known,

but my mom is the one with BPD, and she's the only one I've mentioned on here.

It's

actually harder for me to talk about my dad than my mom, just because, well, its

easier to

talk about the crazy person abusing me (mom) than it is to talk about someone

who's not

crazy but just abusive (dad).

I just want to confront them about the abuse, confront them about keeping me

away from

other kids, homeschooling me, how i feel I was robbed of a childhood. I'm going

to

confront them about the long lasting effects their abuse has had on me, how I

believe my

self destructive behaviors are a direct result of it. I'm scared that my dad

will take me out

of the will, and I know that they are going to tell my other family members

about it and

paint me in a bad light again, and the rest of my family (extended) won't want

to have

anything to do with me either. I wan't to get all this stuff inside of me out.

I've been living lies with them because of unreasonable expectations they have

and I want

to be honest and confess the lies about like, they think I'm in nursing school

but the truth

is I don't even want to be a nurse, I want to tell them to stop pressuring me to

do things I

don't want to do, to let me live my live, and I shouldn't have to lie to them

anymore to

keep them from harassing me.

I'm feeling sad about school. I hate how my mom rubs in the fact that I'm " too

old " to not

be done with school yet (I'm 21 and a junior in college). I feel too old, since

I took like 2

years off of college. I started college a year early. My mom always planned for

me to

graduate in 3 years as an RN, thinking I'd do summer school and stuff.

[Guest guest]

more:

I think if I wrote the things that my parents did to me, in the

fundamentalist christian

circles they are in it would be viewed as minor abuse, except for things like my

dad

swearing, which they wouldn't believe. I've had friends who weren't allowed to

go to

college. or Their parents told them from an early age that they would be going

to bob

jones university for one year, and they would be preparing to become a house

wife and

maybe to teach piano on the side to help their husband support their family a

bit. Things

like being intrusive and having no parent to child boundaries weren't really

seen as a

problem. Also they believed corporal punishment was commanded of god, and would

simply not believe that my parents had been as abusive as they were.

They would get hung up on my dad swearing -which is frustrating-its not that the

words

he would call me didn't hurt, it bothered me, but the other things matter so

much and

would be overlooked.

Most of the times I felt like my dad wasn't even calling me a bitch, slut,

whore, trash, etc.,

but rather that he was saying those things about my mom, just through me.

>

> Feeling that I want to confront my dad. or my parents.

>

> I should mention that I've posted a couple times on here, not enough to really

be

known,

> but my mom is the one with BPD, and she's the only one I've mentioned on here.

It's

> actually harder for me to talk about my dad than my mom, just because, well,

its easier

to

> talk about the crazy person abusing me (mom) than it is to talk about someone

who's

not

> crazy but just abusive (dad).

>

> I just want to confront them about the abuse, confront them about keeping me

away

from

> other kids, homeschooling me, how i feel I was robbed of a childhood. I'm

going to

> confront them about the long lasting effects their abuse has had on me, how I

believe

my

> self destructive behaviors are a direct result of it. I'm scared that my dad

will take me

out

> of the will, and I know that they are going to tell my other family members

about it and

> paint me in a bad light again, and the rest of my family (extended) won't want

to have

> anything to do with me either. I wan't to get all this stuff inside of me out.

>

> I've been living lies with them because of unreasonable expectations they have

and I

want

> to be honest and confess the lies about like, they think I'm in nursing school

but the

truth

> is I don't even want to be a nurse, I want to tell them to stop pressuring me

to do things

I

> don't want to do, to let me live my live, and I shouldn't have to lie to them

anymore to

> keep them from harassing me.

>

> I'm feeling sad about school. I hate how my mom rubs in the fact that I'm " too

old " to

not

> be done with school yet (I'm 21 and a junior in college). I feel too old,

since I took like 2

> years off of college. I started college a year early. My mom always planned

for me to

> graduate in 3 years as an RN, thinking I'd do summer school and stuff.

>

[Guest guest]

One suggestion I have is to write out everything you want to say in a

letter and just sit on it for a couple days. See how it feels to

imagine having sent it (or said it all) first. Consider to what the

likely consequences are and whether you are okay with accepting them.

Everybody's situation is different, but one thing I've seen in

common is that these unhealthy parents really don't want to lose

control and they will pull out all the stops once you start to

" rebel " . So choose your time and place well. Also, there are some

changes you can just start making in your life without ever saying a

word to them also. Good luck!

>

> Feeling that I want to confront my dad. or my parents.

>

> I should mention that I've posted a couple times on here, not enough

to really be known,

> but my mom is the one with BPD, and she's the only one I've

mentioned on here. It's

> actually harder for me to talk about my dad than my mom, just

because, well, its easier to

> talk about the crazy person abusing me (mom) than it is to talk

about someone who's not

> crazy but just abusive (dad).

>

> I just want to confront them about the abuse, confront them about

keeping me away from

> other kids, homeschooling me, how i feel I was robbed of a

childhood. I'm going to

> confront them about the long lasting effects their abuse has had on

me, how I believe my

> self destructive behaviors are a direct result of it. I'm scared

that my dad will take me out

> of the will, and I know that they are going to tell my other family

members about it and

> paint me in a bad light again, and the rest of my family (extended)

won't want to have

> anything to do with me either. I wan't to get all this stuff inside

of me out.

>

> I've been living lies with them because of unreasonable expectations

they have and I want

> to be honest and confess the lies about like, they think I'm in

nursing school but the truth

> is I don't even want to be a nurse, I want to tell them to stop

pressuring me to do things I

> don't want to do, to let me live my live, and I shouldn't have to

lie to them anymore to

> keep them from harassing me.

>

> I'm feeling sad about school. I hate how my mom rubs in the fact

that I'm " too old " to not

> be done with school yet (I'm 21 and a junior in college). I feel too

old, since I took like 2

> years off of college. I started college a year early. My mom always

planned for me to

> graduate in 3 years as an RN, thinking I'd do summer school and stuff.

>

[Guest guest]

hey, is there some extended family that you get along with? i have

found that the easy way to withstand being painted black by extended

family is to talk to THEM about your parents first. that way when

they go on a campaign about you, they already know your side of the

story and will know your parents are leaving a good half of the story

out. of course, this takes time. if i didn't have a close

relationship yet, i would give it 2 years to cultivate one. if you

already have one, then it would be a slow process of revelation.

bink

> >

> > Feeling that I want to confront my dad. or my parents.

> >

> > I should mention that I've posted a couple times on here, not

enough to really be

> known,

> > but my mom is the one with BPD, and she's the only one I've

mentioned on here. It's

> > actually harder for me to talk about my dad than my mom, just

because, well, its easier

> to

> > talk about the crazy person abusing me (mom) than it is to talk

about someone who's

> not

> > crazy but just abusive (dad).

> >

> > I just want to confront them about the abuse, confront them about

keeping me away

> from

> > other kids, homeschooling me, how i feel I was robbed of a

childhood. I'm going to

> > confront them about the long lasting effects their abuse has had

on me, how I believe

> my

> > self destructive behaviors are a direct result of it. I'm scared

that my dad will take me

> out

> > of the will, and I know that they are going to tell my other

family members about it and

> > paint me in a bad light again, and the rest of my family

(extended) won't want to have

> > anything to do with me either. I wan't to get all this stuff

inside of me out.

> >

> > I've been living lies with them because of unreasonable

expectations they have and I

> want

> > to be honest and confess the lies about like, they think I'm in

nursing school but the

> truth

> > is I don't even want to be a nurse, I want to tell them to stop

pressuring me to do things

> I

> > don't want to do, to let me live my live, and I shouldn't have to

lie to them anymore to

> > keep them from harassing me.

> >

> > I'm feeling sad about school. I hate how my mom rubs in the fact

that I'm " too old " to

> not

> > be done with school yet (I'm 21 and a junior in college). I feel

too old, since I took like 2

> > years off of college. I started college a year early. My mom

always planned for me to

> > graduate in 3 years as an RN, thinking I'd do summer school and stuff.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

It sounds like you're in a very invalidating environment.I feel for

you.I've been there myself.It's so frustrating and so painful when

the people around you minimize the reality of your

suffering,especially when religious beliefs are used to condone and

excuse parental punishment and abuse of authority,therefore obscuring

a truly dysfunctional situation.The urge--and need-- to speak your

own truth is totally valid.We all need to be heard and to have our

feelings acknowledged and affirmed.But I have to add that we equally

have the right to protect ourselves from emotional harm.You mentioned

the possible consequences of confronting your parents and I have to

say that,in my own experience,the probability of those consequnces

occuring is very high.I don't know if your need to speak your truth

is so strong that you are ready to let the chips fall where they may.

Climberkyak gave you very good advice--write it out first and sit

on it for a while...you have the right to plan this out in the

interests of your own self protection.

Is there any way for you to speak to someone outside of this

situation,someone who can support you and affirm your version of

events,such as a therapist? Someone you can vent to and who will

believe you,while you plan your next move?

It breaks my heart to hear you say that,at 21,you are " old " .I used

to feel that way,too,when I was young.My nada had me pegged as

ancient and past the time to achieve much when I was,I realize now,so

very young.I think it must be a feature of BPD,that they see us

as " adult " (possibly because they are infantile emotionally) when in

reality we are only at the beginning of our futures.My nada

believed,insanely,that I was an " adult " from the age of twelve...and

put that trip on me,too,that I should have accomplished so and so by

the age of so and so...it's BPD bull,sweetie...you have your entire

life ahead of you.A Junior in college at 21 is just fine,anywhere you

are at 21 is just fine.I don't mean to be condescending,it's just

that in reality,at the age of 21 you have plenty of time to decide

what you're going to do with your life.It makes me so angry,the way

that BPDs vampirize and suck the vitality out of our youth as if we

are failures when being young is a time to explore and discover

ourselves,not the timetable of a BPD's unreasonable agenda.You don't

want to be a nurse,I think it's great that you know that.And you have

every right in the world to take some time to find out what it is you

really want to do.

You also have every right to build youself a support system that

truly backs you up and affirms and validates YOUR reality.This board

is here,please keep posting.

Take care

>

> Feeling that I want to confront my dad. or my parents.

>

> I should mention that I've posted a couple times on here, not

enough to really be known,

> but my mom is the one with BPD, and she's the only one I've

mentioned on here. It's

> actually harder for me to talk about my dad than my mom, just

because, well, its easier to

> talk about the crazy person abusing me (mom) than it is to talk

about someone who's not

> crazy but just abusive (dad).

>

> I just want to confront them about the abuse, confront them about

keeping me away from

> other kids, homeschooling me, how i feel I was robbed of a

childhood. I'm going to

> confront them about the long lasting effects their abuse has had on

me, how I believe my

> self destructive behaviors are a direct result of it. I'm scared

that my dad will take me out

> of the will, and I know that they are going to tell my other family

members about it and

> paint me in a bad light again, and the rest of my family (extended)

won't want to have

> anything to do with me either. I wan't to get all this stuff inside

of me out.

>

> I've been living lies with them because of unreasonable

expectations they have and I want

> to be honest and confess the lies about like, they think I'm in

nursing school but the truth

> is I don't even want to be a nurse, I want to tell them to stop

pressuring me to do things I

> don't want to do, to let me live my live, and I shouldn't have to

lie to them anymore to

> keep them from harassing me.

>

> I'm feeling sad about school. I hate how my mom rubs in the fact

that I'm " too old " to not

> be done with school yet (I'm 21 and a junior in college). I feel

too old, since I took like 2

> years off of college. I started college a year early. My mom always

planned for me to

> graduate in 3 years as an RN, thinking I'd do summer school and

stuff.

>

[Guest guest]

Myadeleon, I feel for you, for the tough situation in which you are,

and for the fact that you seem to be on your own there. I would go

along with the posts who advise you to plan carefully, and to look

for support, such as a therapist or otherwise a truly very good

friend or trusted family member, preferrably someone who is not known

by your parents and is outside the community where they live. Do you

also still live there? 21 is a young age, especially if yu're not

financially independent. It is tough, because your eyes view the

world already as an adult and see the situation as it is, and yet one

does not always have the possibility to get out of there yet, to take

active steps in the direction of another life. I have been there

myself, and I remember age 20-21 as the toughest years in my life,

the most frustrating ones and also the years, and this I find a big

pity for myself, the years in which I was not strong enough to

continue fighting, I laid down my arms and came very close to giving

up. It is therefore that I would recommend you to keep posting here,

because here your opinion can be validated and you find honest

advice, also sometimes critical constructive feedback, and a lot of

emotional support.

Confronting your abusive parents, they ARE abusive, whether or not

this is allowed in a certain religious community, I think there is

something called human rights and the rights of the child. So,

confronting your abusive parents seems to me a very difficult step;

maybe a too difficult one to do in the beginning of a process. BPD

people can be VERY VERY vicious when they are confronted, questioned,

even if they are just confronted with a " changing you " , they can

already react extremely strongly. Is it possible for you to first

create a safe space, a different dimension in your life, before you

take the courageous but difficult step of confrontation. I must

honestly admit that I have not yet gathered that courage, although I

have managed to create a life of myself (with a lot of intrusions, on

and off) . But it is certain I could not confront them when I was

still living there. I tried and I did, but it harmed me more in the

end. One of my biggest wishes was to move out. They treated me and

manipulated me so badly that I, in the end, BEGGED them " please let

me stay please please pretty please, don't send me away " . Maybe I was

weak, but maybe they were just too strong. Don't forget, BPD's often

play the weak ones, but when it comes to it, they are as strong as a

bulldozer. And their partner often chooses their alliance, even if

amongst them the relationship is very bad. Do you have siblings? Do

you have their support? Also consider them in the picture. I used to

feel a strong bond to my sister, until I started confronting my

parents when I was your age. This was so threatening for her that she

hurried to choose my mother's side, and so does she till this day. I

love her very much but in a way have lost her. Also consider their

safety if you take steps to change your life. But this is all a story

from my personal experience and eveybody's experience is different.

But everybody has a voice that should be heard. Sorry if I have been

rambling too much or if I say nonsense because your situation is very

different from mine...

I wish you strength, Katrina

[Guest guest]

I feel i should expand a little on my situation. I have in fact been living 2500

miles away

from my parents for over a year and I'm financially independent from them. The

issue for

me is that they are in my head daily and i have severe flashbacks and

debilitating

depression and anxiety and can't seem to get a handle on it no matter what. I

also spent

the last 3 months - this summer -living at close range (about 80 miles) from my

parents,

and just moved back across the country a couple weeks ago.

I have one brother but we aren't close at all. He would never jeopardize his

relationship

with my parents since they still financially back him at age 24 and he's never

had any

problems really with them any way always being the golden child. He lives a

state away

from them and makes lots of money but still doesn't pay his mortgage since he

knows my

parents will take care of it if he doesn't.

I don't have any relatives I can discuss this with.. My grandparents - nada's

side - are the

relatives I'm closest too and they are old and somewhat resigned to my mom's

insanity.

They would not really take a side and that's fine. as far as My grandparents

other kids: my

one uncle is severely depressed with a wife who might be BPD and who -while

different

from my mom- reminds me of some of the other BPs described on here- particularly

the

" peace-making " type who gathers all the family gossip and uses it to strain

every

relationship and feel powerful. Their son, my cousin, is i think a sociopath and

is my

brothers best friend- i expect to find out my cousin is a serial killer/rapist

some day - he

used to abuse me somewhat when I was young. their other child, a daughter my

age, is

married to a fundamentalist baptist pastor and we've been getting a long a

little better

lately but their alliances are pretty much with their biblical perspective of

always

'respecting' parents and quite honestly she has enough issues to deal with with

her own

abusive mother.

my other uncle is in prison for murder since like 1988.

their only other child besides my nada - my aunt- has 7 kids, lives in

disgusting filth -

like little boys smearing crap all over the bathroom, food everywhere, total

filth, like the

county would evict them if it weren't the South. They don't speak to me at all

and always

speaks to my mom about the fact that I'm dating a non-christian and how its my

nadas

and dads responsibility to not let me do that or cut me off for it or something.

My

boyfriend (of three years) has met this aunt and her husband like 3 times and

they have

never spoken to him even though their 5 little boys were climbing all over him

and playing

with him all evening. speaking of their little boys, they home-schooled their

kids and my

aunt always took personal offense to the idea that she needs to send her Downs

syndrome

son to some sort of government program to help him learn to be socially adept.

Now he's

turning 16 this month and having hit puberty he is constantly grabbing his one

sister (my

age and we absolutely hate each other) and my bodies and I stopped hugging him

years

ago because he starts humping me like a dog. Last month their family finally got

sued by

someone who's teenage daughter was followed into a girls bathroom by him and

pinned

down on the ground and sexually assaulted. The kid has no idea that he is

hurting people

or doing things wrong. My aunt told us with disgust that this evil girl was

making up lies

about her son, and that even if it were true how could they be angry at their

son who has

downs syndrome? (then again she gets mad at you if you make any mention of her

son

being downs syndrome- they talk about him like he's a normal 16 year old. he's

extremely

extremely downs syndrome.) we all have been telling her for years that she needs

to use

the available programs to help her son learn social skills and I even told my

boyfriend

multiple times that he was going to end up sexually assaulting a stranger. But

aunt L

always took offense to the idea that the state could raise her son better than

she could.

on my dad's side, I have a somewhat insane cuban grandmother who has been in the

states for like 50 years and still speaks almost un-comprehensible english. Tita

lived with

me since I was 12. She's hard to describe. she's unpredictable and makes up

stories. She's

mostly just really annoying and no one really likes her. My mom pretty much

hates her and

she's completely self sufficient but still lived with us. She's 78 and works

full time at a

school.

Her husband died when my dad was really young of a heart attack after they fled

cuba

when castro took over. Then she raised my dad and his brother alone, or so i was

always

told, until i found out in just the last couple years that she remarried 2 years

after her first

husband died and therefore my dad had a step father his entire life that I've

never heard

of. my uncle died this summer of cancer and a heart attack. my dad hadn't spoken

to him

for like 8 years or something before he died. as a side note, my dad is supposed

to die

soon according to doctors because of congenial heart disease. no condolences

needed.

but this is why i actually do take into consideration the 250 grand allegedly

coming my

way from his million dollar life insurance policy, and also his threats to " take

me out of the

will " if I do things he doesn't like.

So that covers all my direct relatives. In writing this I realized i do have one

relative who

would absolutely sympathize with me-my second cousin who grew up basically as a

sibling to my nada, raised by my grandparents. He's sort of more like an uncle

really.

unlike the rest of the family he never left his catholic roots, which is to say

he's agnostic -

sorry any die hard true-believing catholics!- and takes issue with the

fundamentalist

perspectives the rest of the family has. He is an academic as well with like

almost a Ph.D.

and teaches school and actually likes kids etc. He used to invite me to come

live with him

when I was a teenager. He would sort of jokingly say things to my parents about

how they

raised me and it would really annoy my mom, but its pretty clear to me now that

he

disagrees with their 'strategy,' and he may have very personal experience in

dealing with

my mom having been raised as basically her sibling.

I got kicked out of my house when i started dating my boyfriend 3 years ago and

my

parents expected to have me come crawling back, but i didn't, i went to my

boyfriends

place and since he was moving across the country a week later i went with him.

My

parents flipped out- i was only 18, but the same reaction would have happened at

24-

and called all the extended family to tell them I had run away. a year later my

dad

apologized for kicking me out after denying that they had kicked me out all

year. He

started crying and said he regretted it so much, and I was thinking, are you

going to call

the family now and tell them I'm not the liar, you are? but didn't say it.

since I got kicked out I moved back in with my parents for a year and a half

before finally

moving back out across the country and eventually moving in with my boyfriend.

My

parents don't know we live together and threaten to cut me off if we do. We plan

to get

married soon- just a little nervous about the extended family getting up in arms

about us

being 'unequally yoked' - biblical jargon meaning that he's not a christian.

Well I'm not

either but my parents won't accept that. I know I'm not supposed to mention

religion on

here so I hope you can see my purpose in mentioning is that it causes major

conflict with

my parents since they see it as a major threat to them for me to change my

belief system

from what they taught me.

-mya

>

> Myadeleon, I feel for you, for the tough situation in which you are,

> and for the fact that you seem to be on your own there. I would go

> along with the posts who advise you to plan carefully, and to look

> for support, such as a therapist or otherwise a truly very good

> friend or trusted family member, preferrably someone who is not known

> by your parents and is outside the community where they live. Do you

> also still live there? 21 is a young age, especially if yu're not

> financially independent. It is tough, because your eyes view the

> world already as an adult and see the situation as it is, and yet one

> does not always have the possibility to get out of there yet, to take

> active steps in the direction of another life. I have been there

> myself, and I remember age 20-21 as the toughest years in my life,

> the most frustrating ones and also the years, and this I find a big

> pity for myself, the years in which I was not strong enough to

> continue fighting, I laid down my arms and came very close to giving

> up. It is therefore that I would recommend you to keep posting here,

> because here your opinion can be validated and you find honest

> advice, also sometimes critical constructive feedback, and a lot of

> emotional support.

> Confronting your abusive parents, they ARE abusive, whether or not

> this is allowed in a certain religious community, I think there is

> something called human rights and the rights of the child. So,

> confronting your abusive parents seems to me a very difficult step;

> maybe a too difficult one to do in the beginning of a process. BPD

> people can be VERY VERY vicious when they are confronted, questioned,

> even if they are just confronted with a " changing you " , they can

> already react extremely strongly. Is it possible for you to first

> create a safe space, a different dimension in your life, before you

> take the courageous but difficult step of confrontation. I must

> honestly admit that I have not yet gathered that courage, although I

> have managed to create a life of myself (with a lot of intrusions, on

> and off) . But it is certain I could not confront them when I was

> still living there. I tried and I did, but it harmed me more in the

> end. One of my biggest wishes was to move out. They treated me and

> manipulated me so badly that I, in the end, BEGGED them " please let

> me stay please please pretty please, don't send me away " . Maybe I was

> weak, but maybe they were just too strong. Don't forget, BPD's often

> play the weak ones, but when it comes to it, they are as strong as a

> bulldozer. And their partner often chooses their alliance, even if

> amongst them the relationship is very bad. Do you have siblings? Do

> you have their support? Also consider them in the picture. I used to

> feel a strong bond to my sister, until I started confronting my

> parents when I was your age. This was so threatening for her that she

> hurried to choose my mother's side, and so does she till this day. I

> love her very much but in a way have lost her. Also consider their

> safety if you take steps to change your life. But this is all a story

> from my personal experience and eveybody's experience is different.

> But everybody has a voice that should be heard. Sorry if I have been

> rambling too much or if I say nonsense because your situation is very

> different from mine...

> I wish you strength, Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

I relate. from the time i was a young kid, like 10, my mom expected me to act

like an

adult. Since I've been 20 she thinks I'm too old to do anything.

I think I will eventually speak to my parents, maybe not now. I said to my

boyfriend a few

nights ago that I wanted to talk to my dad and confront him for everything he

did, before

he dies, and my boyfriend keeps telling me that he thinks that I'd be a lot

happier

confronting my parents and losing the 250 thousand dollars than I would be not

confronting my dad and getting all that money. But i feel like I'd rather have

the money.

Pay for school, (pay off student loans) etc - just seems like a really good jump

start for the

life I want.

My boyfriend also thinks I should give back their car (which they allegedly gave

to me -

and I paid for half of it - but my dad keeps it in his name and threatened to

call the police

last year and report it stolen when he was upset at me) and take over my car

insurance and

get off their family plan for cell phones. They always act like i'd be crazy to

not take

advantage of their generosity but its not very generous with the strings

attached (for

example my dad works as a fraud manager for a major cell phone company and has

the

capability of tapping into phones and reading texts etc. -he does that

specifically for his

job- and we know he has done this to me and my boyfriend after giving my

boyfriend a

phone on his network -allegedly to 'cut down on long distance charges' but

probably more

to allow him to spy on us. needless to say my boyfriend doesn't use that phone

anymore.

> >

> > Feeling that I want to confront my dad. or my parents.

> >

> > I should mention that I've posted a couple times on here, not

> enough to really be known,

> > but my mom is the one with BPD, and she's the only one I've

> mentioned on here. It's

> > actually harder for me to talk about my dad than my mom, just

> because, well, its easier to

> > talk about the crazy person abusing me (mom) than it is to talk

> about someone who's not

> > crazy but just abusive (dad).

> >

> > I just want to confront them about the abuse, confront them about

> keeping me away from

> > other kids, homeschooling me, how i feel I was robbed of a

> childhood. I'm going to

> > confront them about the long lasting effects their abuse has had on

> me, how I believe my

> > self destructive behaviors are a direct result of it. I'm scared

> that my dad will take me out

> > of the will, and I know that they are going to tell my other family

> members about it and

> > paint me in a bad light again, and the rest of my family (extended)

> won't want to have

> > anything to do with me either. I wan't to get all this stuff inside

> of me out.

> >

> > I've been living lies with them because of unreasonable

> expectations they have and I want

> > to be honest and confess the lies about like, they think I'm in

> nursing school but the truth

> > is I don't even want to be a nurse, I want to tell them to stop

> pressuring me to do things I

> > don't want to do, to let me live my live, and I shouldn't have to

> lie to them anymore to

> > keep them from harassing me.

> >

> > I'm feeling sad about school. I hate how my mom rubs in the fact

> that I'm " too old " to not

> > be done with school yet (I'm 21 and a junior in college). I feel

> too old, since I took like 2

> > years off of college. I started college a year early. My mom always

> planned for me to

> > graduate in 3 years as an RN, thinking I'd do summer school and

> stuff.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My mom wants me to fail, but why does she push me so bad to succeed?

I want to talk about how my mom always takes credit for everthing good I do. I

have a

really good memory of things said to me. plus my mom says the same things over

and

over and over again:

" you know, your talent for piano is because of me. It's not because you are

exceptionally

talented its because I made you take piano and made you compete, and that's why

you

won those awards and did as well as you did. If I had parents that pushed me I'd

be just as

good. "

" Oh, but that was a big waste of money anyways, since you don't even play the

piano

anymore. " Me: " I still play. " Her " I didn't pay all that money for you to play

for yourself. We

had the plan that you would play the piano for your church or be a piano teacher

and help

support your husband, or you might have been in a the ministry. " They always

wanted me

to mary a music pastor. " But you always have to do the opposite of what your

parents

want. "

My mom didn't care about when I played Chopin's Winter Wind at age 13 or Ravel's

Ondine

De Lanuit at 17. She'd get annoyed because she didn't have a taste for that

stuff. Most

people who don't even play piano would like it. She likes stupid simple sing

alongs and

hymns and that's all she ever wanted me to play. Offertory stuff, hymn

arrangements.

Fine, but like, really easy and boring. She used to say " would you stop playing

that

garbage!? " And I'd say, " Mom its chopin, its not garbage. " " people don't like

listening to

that stuff. " " yeah they do. " " not normal people! "

" The only reason you started reading at 4 is because I taught you to read at 4.

It's not

because you are exceptionally smart or anything, its because I pushed you to

read at 3.

You know, I could read at 4 too. You're not that smart. "

she'd always say,

" you know, you're not that smart, you're not that special, - Maybe you just

aren't as smart

as you think you are... "

when im 14 she runs up the stairs, completely out of the blue, starts screaming

at me

about how I've ruined her life, about how adopting me was supposed to be an

" investment " or something and how I was a " bad investment " , about how she wished

she

never would have adopted me, about how " children are supposed to be a blessing,

thats

what hte bible says, i don't understand - you're not a blessing to me at all!

you're just an

awful kid! your just an awful kid like one of those kids on talk shows- maybe I

should

send you away to boot camp! " I'm sitting in the loft doing homework. so i start

crying, and

she says, " Why are you crying? " and I said, " well, because you hate me. " and she

says, " I

don't hate you - you have so many weird ideas in your head, I'm really concerned

about

you. You know, this is why we don't let you go to school, cuz of all your weird

ideas. I'm

really concerned about you. maybe you need to go to a psychiatrist, maybe you

have some

mental illness we don't know about because you get these weird ideas and make up

all

these stories about me all the time. "

best way I can describe my parents is like my mom is like george bush and my dad

is like

dick cheney. My mom is like so stupid and insane that she can't really be held

responsible

for what she did. She acts insane and then my dad - he actually has the brains

and has to

clean up the situation and say, " Nada your stupid- " not because of what she did

but

because " you know, we cant let her go out now because people can see those marks

on

her legs. You can't do that, your stupid! " My dad understood what he was doing

is against

the law and abusive, but put his energy into covering it up and covering up my

moms

abuse.

it hurts me that I;ll never have a mom, but through the years I could see me and

my

boyfriend telling funny stories about my mom, even with the really bad things.

But with my

dad, I'll never be able to joke about it, its just too hard. the stuff with my

dad is more

intense, the stuff with my mom is like, what a freakin idiot.

I wonder what a psychologist would say about my dad. maybe that he has displaced

anger

problems. The times he got mad were usually times my mom was annoying the hell

out of

him. times he was mad at my mom. but he never touched her. Also my dad uses his

religion to justify his behavior.

> >

> > Feeling that I want to confront my dad. or my parents.

> >

> > I should mention that I've posted a couple times on here, not

> enough to really be known,

> > but my mom is the one with BPD, and she's the only one I've

> mentioned on here. It's

> > actually harder for me to talk about my dad than my mom, just

> because, well, its easier to

> > talk about the crazy person abusing me (mom) than it is to talk

> about someone who's not

> > crazy but just abusive (dad).

> >

> > I just want to confront them about the abuse, confront them about

> keeping me away from

> > other kids, homeschooling me, how i feel I was robbed of a

> childhood. I'm going to

> > confront them about the long lasting effects their abuse has had on

> me, how I believe my

> > self destructive behaviors are a direct result of it. I'm scared

> that my dad will take me out

> > of the will, and I know that they are going to tell my other family

> members about it and

> > paint me in a bad light again, and the rest of my family (extended)

> won't want to have

> > anything to do with me either. I wan't to get all this stuff inside

> of me out.

> >

> > I've been living lies with them because of unreasonable

> expectations they have and I want

> > to be honest and confess the lies about like, they think I'm in

> nursing school but the truth

> > is I don't even want to be a nurse, I want to tell them to stop

> pressuring me to do things I

> > don't want to do, to let me live my live, and I shouldn't have to

> lie to them anymore to

> > keep them from harassing me.

> >

> > I'm feeling sad about school. I hate how my mom rubs in the fact

> that I'm " too old " to not

> > be done with school yet (I'm 21 and a junior in college). I feel

> too old, since I took like 2

> > years off of college. I started college a year early. My mom always

> planned for me to

> > graduate in 3 years as an RN, thinking I'd do summer school and

> stuff.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hey sweetie, This sounds so much like my mother. I wanted to be a pianist,

she was a church hymn player and she came between me and my dream every

single step.

> My mom wants me to fail, but why does she push me so bad to succeed?

>

> I want to talk about how my mom always takes credit for everthing good I

> do. I have a

> really good memory of things said to me. plus my mom says the same things

> over and

> over and over again:

>

> " you know, your talent for piano is because of me. It's not because you are

> exceptionally

> talented its because I made you take piano and made you compete, and that's

> why you

> won those awards and did as well as you did. If I had parents that pushed

> me I'd be just as

> good. "

>

> " Oh, but that was a big waste of money anyways, since you don't even play

> the piano

> anymore. " Me: " I still play. " Her " I didn't pay all that money for you to

> play for yourself. We

> had the plan that you would play the piano for your church or be a piano

> teacher and help

> support your husband, or you might have been in a the ministry. " They

> always wanted me

> to mary a music pastor. " But you always have to do the opposite of what

> your parents

> want. "

>

> My mom didn't care about when I played Chopin's Winter Wind at age 13 or

> Ravel's Ondine

> De Lanuit at 17. She'd get annoyed because she didn't have a taste for that

> stuff. Most

> people who don't even play piano would like it. She likes stupid simple

> sing alongs and

> hymns and that's all she ever wanted me to play. Offertory stuff, hymn

> arrangements.

> Fine, but like, really easy and boring. She used to say " would you stop

> playing that

> garbage!? " And I'd say, " Mom its chopin, its not garbage. " " people don't

> like listening to

> that stuff. " " yeah they do. " " not normal people! "

>

> " The only reason you started reading at 4 is because I taught you to read

> at 4. It's not

> because you are exceptionally smart or anything, its because I pushed you

> to read at 3.

> You know, I could read at 4 too. You're not that smart. "

>

> she'd always say,

> " you know, you're not that smart, you're not that special, - Maybe you just

> aren't as smart

> as you think you are... "

>

> when im 14 she runs up the stairs, completely out of the blue, starts

> screaming at me

> about how I've ruined her life, about how adopting me was supposed to be an

>

> " investment " or something and how I was a " bad investment " , about how she

> wished she

> never would have adopted me, about how " children are supposed to be a

> blessing, thats

> what hte bible says, i don't understand - you're not a blessing to me at

> all! you're just an

> awful kid! your just an awful kid like one of those kids on talk shows-

> maybe I should

> send you away to boot camp! " I'm sitting in the loft doing homework. so i

> start crying, and

> she says, " Why are you crying? " and I said, " well, because you hate me. "

> and she says, " I

> don't hate you - you have so many weird ideas in your head, I'm really

> concerned about

> you. You know, this is why we don't let you go to school, cuz of all your

> weird ideas. I'm

> really concerned about you. maybe you need to go to a psychiatrist, maybe

> you have some

> mental illness we don't know about because you get these weird ideas and

> make up all

> these stories about me all the time. "

>

> best way I can describe my parents is like my mom is like george bush and

> my dad is like

> dick cheney. My mom is like so stupid and insane that she can't really be

> held responsible

> for what she did. She acts insane and then my dad - he actually has the

> brains and has to

> clean up the situation and say, " Nada your stupid- " not because of what she

> did but

> because " you know, we cant let her go out now because people can see those

> marks on

> her legs. You can't do that, your stupid! " My dad understood what he was

> doing is against

> the law and abusive, but put his energy into covering it up and covering up

> my moms

> abuse.

>

> it hurts me that I;ll never have a mom, but through the years I could see

> me and my

> boyfriend telling funny stories about my mom, even with the really bad

> things. But with my

> dad, I'll never be able to joke about it, its just too hard. the stuff with

> my dad is more

> intense, the stuff with my mom is like, what a freakin idiot.

>

> I wonder what a psychologist would say about my dad. maybe that he has

> displaced anger

> problems. The times he got mad were usually times my mom was annoying the

> hell out of

> him. times he was mad at my mom. but he never touched her. Also my dad uses

> his

> religion to justify his behavior.

>

> > >

> > > Feeling that I want to confront my dad. or my parents.

> > >

> > > I should mention that I've posted a couple times on here, not

> > enough to really be known,

> > > but my mom is the one with BPD, and she's the only one I've

> > mentioned on here. It's

> > > actually harder for me to talk about my dad than my mom, just

> > because, well, its easier to

> > > talk about the crazy person abusing me (mom) than it is to talk

> > about someone who's not

> > > crazy but just abusive (dad).

> > >

> > > I just want to confront them about the abuse, confront them about

> > keeping me away from

> > > other kids, homeschooling me, how i feel I was robbed of a

> > childhood. I'm going to

> > > confront them about the long lasting effects their abuse has had on

> > me, how I believe my

> > > self destructive behaviors are a direct result of it. I'm scared

> > that my dad will take me out

> > > of the will, and I know that they are going to tell my other family

> > members about it and

> > > paint me in a bad light again, and the rest of my family (extended)

> > won't want to have

> > > anything to do with me either. I wan't to get all this stuff inside

> > of me out.

> > >

> > > I've been living lies with them because of unreasonable

> > expectations they have and I want

> > > to be honest and confess the lies about like, they think I'm in

> > nursing school but the truth

> > > is I don't even want to be a nurse, I want to tell them to stop

> > pressuring me to do things I

> > > don't want to do, to let me live my live, and I shouldn't have to

> > lie to them anymore to

> > > keep them from harassing me.

> > >

> > > I'm feeling sad about school. I hate how my mom rubs in the fact

> > that I'm " too old " to not

> > > be done with school yet (I'm 21 and a junior in college). I feel

> > too old, since I took like 2

> > > years off of college. I started college a year early. My mom always

> > planned for me to

> > > graduate in 3 years as an RN, thinking I'd do summer school and

> > stuff.

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Giving you a big virtual hug((((((((((((((((((((((((myadeleon)))))))))))))))))

You poor kid, I know exactly what you are going through.

Your nada/mom is way over in the deep end of the crazy pool.

That is just so wretched of her to push you to succeed, then invalidate your

success. That

is definitely crazy-making behavior and in my book is psychological torture!

I think that particular kind of abuse is designed to strip you of all

self-esteem and make

you totally dependent on your abuser so that you won't/can't leave.

So it seems to me that as soon as you possibly can you would want to become

financially

independent and leave your parents' home and cut off all contact, at least for a

while.

Almost anything is better than being in that ego-crushing, toxic waste dump of

an

emotional environment.

Meanwhile, maybe some of the books that have been recently recommended have some

techniques you could learn to use to defend yourself. I haven't read the

Borderline Mother

one, but it sounds like yours is a " witch. "

-Annie

> > >

> > > Feeling that I want to confront my dad. or my parents.

> > >

> > > I should mention that I've posted a couple times on here, not

> > enough to really be known,

> > > but my mom is the one with BPD, and she's the only one I've

> > mentioned on here. It's

> > > actually harder for me to talk about my dad than my mom, just

> > because, well, its easier to

> > > talk about the crazy person abusing me (mom) than it is to talk

> > about someone who's not

> > > crazy but just abusive (dad).

> > >

> > > I just want to confront them about the abuse, confront them about

> > keeping me away from

> > > other kids, homeschooling me, how i feel I was robbed of a

> > childhood. I'm going to

> > > confront them about the long lasting effects their abuse has had on

> > me, how I believe my

> > > self destructive behaviors are a direct result of it. I'm scared

> > that my dad will take me out

> > > of the will, and I know that they are going to tell my other family

> > members about it and

> > > paint me in a bad light again, and the rest of my family (extended)

> > won't want to have

> > > anything to do with me either. I wan't to get all this stuff inside

> > of me out.

> > >

> > > I've been living lies with them because of unreasonable

> > expectations they have and I want

> > > to be honest and confess the lies about like, they think I'm in

> > nursing school but the truth

> > > is I don't even want to be a nurse, I want to tell them to stop

> > pressuring me to do things I

> > > don't want to do, to let me live my live, and I shouldn't have to

> > lie to them anymore to

> > > keep them from harassing me.

> > >

> > > I'm feeling sad about school. I hate how my mom rubs in the fact

> > that I'm " too old " to not

> > > be done with school yet (I'm 21 and a junior in college). I feel

> > too old, since I took like 2

> > > years off of college. I started college a year early. My mom always

> > planned for me to

> > > graduate in 3 years as an RN, thinking I'd do summer school and

> > stuff.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Mya,I think you're on to something mentioning being expected to act

like an adult and at the same time being told that you are now " too

old " ...well,we're all dealing with lunatics on this board but

something about the " adult " thing clicked on something in my own

head...it seems to me to be both an issue of control and an issue of

abdication of responsibility,classic BPD crap,such as:

--If you behave like an adult,I need no longer be responsible for

you

AND AT THE SAME TIME,CRAZILY

--But,if you really BECOME an adult,I can no longer control you

And the denigration begins...now,you're too old..you blew

it...What I,the BPD,really meant was that I wanted you to take all

the hard,serious work of being a mother to you off my hands (behave

like an adult when you're a kid) and then to mother ME by doing and

being what I said you should do and be ( finish your studies

according to my dictation/my agenda/my needs)...but wait...what I

REALLY REALLY meant was that I want you to always dance to my tune

and I will do anything to sabotage your actual success...I take it

back now,you're too " old " now,you are slipping beyond my control...I

mean,if a BPD is emotionally a toddler,what do they know of

anything " adult " ...it's all about control,maintaining control by any

means,ensuring that you can never win...be an adult but don't be an

adult...pass directly from coming of age to being way past your

prime,anything I say to keep you off balance,in thrall to me and my

voracious need to own and control you...I,the BPD,am a nutcase that

can never be satisfied.

You know,I think your boyfriend is right,you need to cut those last

ties.I'm glad to hear you've got him gunning for you--I responded to

your post knowing nothing much about you,just that your situation

sounded sickeningly familiar to what mine once was.But I also

understand the dilemma of having to choose between confronting your

dad and risking losing that money and keeping quiet and taking the

cash and getting on with your own life.These people force us to make

decisions between two equally difficult choices---it sucks.Having the

money from his insurance would be a form of reparation for all the

injury you have suffered,yet confronting him with your truth would

maybe be a release that you need...this is a tough one...that money

would be cash in the bank that you need to get yourself sorted and to

move on to a brighter future,but what a price of silence attached to

it...and yet if you choose to confront,like I said earlier,it is

unlikely that you will be heard...there will most likely be adverse

consequences and the frustration of being smeared and villified...I

can only suggest that of these two sad alternatives,which is most

likely to get you on track to living the life you deserve...and I

think that if you take the money,that will be a cutting of all ties

with that family of yours,which from your description sounds like

you'd be much better off without them dragging you down to their

level,honestly.Your boyfriend sounds like a good guy and I like his

advice to ditch the car connection and the telephone.Can you live

with never having said your piece to the perpetrators of your

distress? In my own situation,it came to just that...I will follow on

in reply to your other post.

>

> I relate. from the time i was a young kid, like 10, my mom expected

me to act like an

> adult. Since I've been 20 she thinks I'm too old to do anything.

>

> I think I will eventually speak to my parents, maybe not now. I

said to my boyfriend a few

> nights ago that I wanted to talk to my dad and confront him for

everything he did, before

> he dies, and my boyfriend keeps telling me that he thinks that I'd

be a lot happier

> confronting my parents and losing the 250 thousand dollars than I

would be not

> confronting my dad and getting all that money. But i feel like I'd

rather have the money.

> Pay for school, (pay off student loans) etc - just seems like a

really good jump start for the

> life I want.

>

> My boyfriend also thinks I should give back their car (which they

allegedly gave to me -

> and I paid for half of it - but my dad keeps it in his name and

threatened to call the police

> last year and report it stolen when he was upset at me) and take

over my car insurance and

> get off their family plan for cell phones. They always act like i'd

be crazy to not take

> advantage of their generosity but its not very generous with the

strings attached (for

> example my dad works as a fraud manager for a major cell phone

company and has the

> capability of tapping into phones and reading texts etc. -he does

that specifically for his

> job- and we know he has done this to me and my boyfriend after

giving my boyfriend a

> phone on his network -allegedly to 'cut down on long distance

charges' but probably more

> to allow him to spy on us. needless to say my boyfriend doesn't use

that phone anymore.

[Guest guest]

i'm on vacation from work right now,why I have time to write on this

board...I'm sorry,I'm actualy really tired just now but I promise to

get back to you on the things you brought up in this post later

today.I can relate to so much of it.Catch you later,ok?

>

> My mom wants me to fail, but why does she push me so bad to succeed?

>

> I want to talk about how my mom always takes credit for everthing

good I do. I have a

> really good memory of things said to me. plus my mom says the same

things over and

> over and over again:

>

>

> " you know, your talent for piano is because of me. It's not because

you are exceptionally

> talented its because I made you take piano and made you compete,

and that's why you

> won those awards and did as well as you did. If I had parents that

pushed me I'd be just as

> good. "

>

>

> " Oh, but that was a big waste of money anyways, since you don't

even play the piano

> anymore. " Me: " I still play. " Her " I didn't pay all that money for

you to play for yourself. We

> had the plan that you would play the piano for your church or be a

piano teacher and help

> support your husband, or you might have been in a the ministry. "

They always wanted me

> to mary a music pastor. " But you always have to do the opposite of

what your parents

> want. "

>

> My mom didn't care about when I played Chopin's Winter Wind at age

13 or Ravel's Ondine

> De Lanuit at 17. She'd get annoyed because she didn't have a taste

for that stuff. Most

> people who don't even play piano would like it. She likes stupid

simple sing alongs and

> hymns and that's all she ever wanted me to play. Offertory stuff,

hymn arrangements.

> Fine, but like, really easy and boring. She used to say " would you

stop playing that

> garbage!? " And I'd say, " Mom its chopin, its not garbage. " " people

don't like listening to

> that stuff. " " yeah they do. " " not normal people! "

>

>

> " The only reason you started reading at 4 is because I taught you

to read at 4. It's not

> because you are exceptionally smart or anything, its because I

pushed you to read at 3.

> You know, I could read at 4 too. You're not that smart. "

>

> she'd always say,

> " you know, you're not that smart, you're not that special, - Maybe

you just aren't as smart

> as you think you are... "

>

> when im 14 she runs up the stairs, completely out of the blue,

starts screaming at me

> about how I've ruined her life, about how adopting me was supposed

to be an

> " investment " or something and how I was a " bad investment " , about

how she wished she

> never would have adopted me, about how " children are supposed to be

a blessing, thats

> what hte bible says, i don't understand - you're not a blessing to

me at all! you're just an

> awful kid! your just an awful kid like one of those kids on talk

shows- maybe I should

> send you away to boot camp! " I'm sitting in the loft doing

homework. so i start crying, and

> she says, " Why are you crying? " and I said, " well, because you hate

me. " and she says, " I

> don't hate you - you have so many weird ideas in your head, I'm

really concerned about

> you. You know, this is why we don't let you go to school, cuz of

all your weird ideas. I'm

> really concerned about you. maybe you need to go to a psychiatrist,

maybe you have some

> mental illness we don't know about because you get these weird

ideas and make up all

> these stories about me all the time. "

>

>

>

> best way I can describe my parents is like my mom is like george

bush and my dad is like

> dick cheney. My mom is like so stupid and insane that she can't

really be held responsible

> for what she did. She acts insane and then my dad - he actually has

the brains and has to

> clean up the situation and say, " Nada your stupid- " not because of

what she did but

> because " you know, we cant let her go out now because people can

see those marks on

> her legs. You can't do that, your stupid! " My dad understood what

he was doing is against

> the law and abusive, but put his energy into covering it up and

covering up my moms

> abuse.

>

> it hurts me that I;ll never have a mom, but through the years I

could see me and my

> boyfriend telling funny stories about my mom, even with the really

bad things. But with my

> dad, I'll never be able to joke about it, its just too hard. the

stuff with my dad is more

> intense, the stuff with my mom is like, what a freakin idiot.

>

> I wonder what a psychologist would say about my dad. maybe that he

has displaced anger

> problems. The times he got mad were usually times my mom was

annoying the hell out of

> him. times he was mad at my mom. but he never touched her. Also my

dad uses his

> religion to justify his behavior.

[Guest guest]

You know all of what you all of saying is also hjappening to me (I

read more than I post.)

Mya, your situation is similar to mine. Except I am more dependent on

my parents. And my Boyfriend is telling me the same thing. And let

me tell you, when I listyen to him, it is so so freeing. I become so

much more of a creative, vibrant, person. Even a slightly calmer and

introspective person who can just do so much more rather than be so

codependent.

So you might want to listen to him. Especially because you have the

money.

S.

> >

> > I relate. from the time i was a young kid, like 10, my mom expected

> me to act like an

> > adult. Since I've been 20 she thinks I'm too old to do anything.

> >

> > I think I will eventually speak to my parents, maybe not now. I

> said to my boyfriend a few

> > nights ago that I wanted to talk to my dad and confront him for

> everything he did, before

> > he dies, and my boyfriend keeps telling me that he thinks that I'd

> be a lot happier

> > confronting my parents and losing the 250 thousand dollars than I

> would be not

> > confronting my dad and getting all that money. But i feel like I'd

> rather have the money.

> > Pay for school, (pay off student loans) etc - just seems like a

> really good jump start for the

> > life I want.

> >

> > My boyfriend also thinks I should give back their car (which they

> allegedly gave to me -

> > and I paid for half of it - but my dad keeps it in his name and

> threatened to call the police

> > last year and report it stolen when he was upset at me) and take

> over my car insurance and

> > get off their family plan for cell phones. They always act like i'd

> be crazy to not take

> > advantage of their generosity but its not very generous with the

> strings attached (for

> > example my dad works as a fraud manager for a major cell phone

> company and has the

> > capability of tapping into phones and reading texts etc. -he does

> that specifically for his

> > job- and we know he has done this to me and my boyfriend after

> giving my boyfriend a

> > phone on his network -allegedly to 'cut down on long distance

> charges' but probably more

> > to allow him to spy on us. needless to say my boyfriend doesn't use

> that phone anymore.

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for your translations, they make a lot of sense. I just wish I

could have known all of that when I was growing up, it might of made

things a little easier but I don't really know.

Seems like even if you are aware that someone is crazy, if that person

is your mother things she says still seem true to you, Like i still

have a lot of self doubts. I still seem to believe a lot of things my

mom says about me.

I'm interested in seeing what you have to say about my father, I feel

like you have really good insight.

> >

> > My mom wants me to fail, but why does she push me so bad to succeed?

> >

> > " you know, your talent for piano is because of me. It's not because

> you are exceptionally

> > talented its because I made you take piano and made you compete,

> and that's why you

> > won those awards and did as well as you did. If I had parents that

> pushed me I'd be just as

> > good. "

>

> TRANSLATION: " I have never fully developed my own talents or

> taken the risk of attempting to compete with others and perhaps

> failing.I am a good person.I am not a bad person.I am not aware that

> I am even doing this,but I am living through you like someone who has

> stolen your identity because psychologically I am a stateless person

> who has no passport,no visa for entry into the real world.Because I

> am not at the level of self awareness that would enable me to see

> that this is what I am doing,I revert to my basic primitive thought

> process: I am a good person/I am not a bad person.Because I am

> good,your talent for piano is because of me.Because I am good,you are

> not exceptionally talented because if you were more exceptionally

> talented than me,that would make me bad.Because I am good,I made you

> take piano. "

> >

>

> > " Oh, but that was a big waste of money anyways, since you don't

> even play the piano

> > anymore. " Me: " I still play. " Her " I didn't pay all that money for

> you to play for yourself. We

> > had the plan that you would play the piano for your church or be a

> piano teacher and help

> > support your husband, or you might have been in a the ministry. "

> They always wanted me

> > to mary a music pastor. " But you always have to do the opposite of

> what your parents

> > want. "

>

> TRANSLATION: " Because I am living through you,anything you do

> that is not exactly what I want you to do doesn't exist--you don't

> even play the piano anymore.Because I am living through you,I didn't

> pay all that money for you to play for yourself.Of course not,how

> dare you! Because I am not a fully developed adult but don't realize

> this,I use the beliefs of the society/community we are in to give my

> basically primitive thought process legitimacy--you see,it isn't that

> I have a problem,I am doing what my community says I should do and

> because I am living through you,that is also what YOU should

> do.Anything you do that isn't precisely what I told you to do is the

> opposite of what your parents want.It is not that I am engaging in

> black and white thinking.I am a good person.I am not a bad person. "

>

> Everything the BPD does is an evasion of self awareness.They

> don't understand that they think in black and white absolutes.If they

> are not good,then they must be bad.But they can't be bad because that

> would be unbearable,so they must be good.If you say they are bad or

> do anything that makes them feel bad,you are victimizing

> them.Victimizing them is bad,so you are bad.And if you are the bad

> one,then they are the good one.Because they can't own,contain or

> accept any badness in themselves,they project it outward onto others.

> >

> > My mom didn't care about when I played Chopin's Winter Wind at age

> 13 or Ravel's Ondine

> > De Lanuit at 17. She'd get annoyed because she didn't have a taste

> for that stuff. Most

> > people who don't even play piano would like it. She likes stupid

> simple sing alongs and

> > hymns and that's all she ever wanted me to play. Offertory stuff,

> hymn arrangements.

> > Fine, but like, really easy and boring. She used to say " would you

> stop playing that

> > garbage!? " And I'd say, " Mom its chopin, its not garbage. " " people

> don't like listening to

> > that stuff. " " yeah they do. " " not normal people! "

>

> TRANSLATION: " If you do anything that is beyond my primitive

> capacity to understand,such as playing music that is too

> sophisticated for me,that makes me feel bad,thatis bad.Garbage is bad-

> - " would you stop playing that garbage? " I don't like listening to

> stuff that goes over my head or that doesn't make immediate sense to

> me because it doesn't feel good.I am a good person.I'm ok.I

> am " people " .I cannot be bad,therefore I must be normal.I am a good

> person,therefore 'normal people' don't like Chopin. "

> >

>

> > " The only reason you started reading at 4 is because I taught you

> to read at 4. It's not

> > because you are exceptionally smart or anything, its because I

> pushed you to read at 3.

> > You know, I could read at 4 too. You're not that smart. "

> >

> > she'd always say,

> > " you know, you're not that smart, you're not that special, - Maybe

> you just aren't as smart

> > as you think you are... "

>

> TRANSLATION: " You cannot be exceptional because I am living

> through you.Because I am living through you,you are me-- " you know,I

> could read at 4,too " .I sometimes dimly suspect that the things I say

> and do with you might be stupid.That is a bad thought.Having a bad

> thought about me makes me bad.But I cannot be bad.I am good.You must

> be bad for me,because I am living through you and being not that

> smart and not that special is bad.That's not what I am.I am good.You

> are the bad one because I am the good one who taught you: " Maybe you

> just aren't as smart as you think you are. "

> >

> > when im 14 she runs up the stairs, completely out of the blue,

> starts screaming at me

> > about how I've ruined her life, about how adopting me was supposed

> to be an

> > " investment " or something and how I was a " bad investment " , about

> how she wished she

> > never would have adopted me, about how " children are supposed to be

> a blessing, thats

> > what hte bible says, i don't understand - you're not a blessing to

> me at all! you're just an

> > awful kid! your just an awful kid like one of those kids on talk

> shows- maybe I should

> > send you away to boot camp! " I'm sitting in the loft doing

> homework. so i start crying, and

> > she says, " Why are you crying? " and I said, " well, because you hate

> me. " and she says, " I

> > don't hate you - you have so many weird ideas in your head, I'm

> really concerned about

> > you. You know, this is why we don't let you go to school, cuz of

> all your weird ideas. I'm

> > really concerned about you. maybe you need to go to a psychiatrist,

> maybe you have some

> > mental illness we don't know about because you get these weird

> ideas and make up all

> > these stories about me all the time. "

>

> TRANSLATION: " You have ruined my life because I couldn't control

> my experience with you to make it be all good,all the time.That is a

> very bad thing because it isn't a good thing.I wanted a child so that

> I could have an identity,I made this investment in an identity and

> because I am a good person,the reason why that investment wasn't all

> good is because it was a bad investment.That has nothing to do with

> what I have put into that investment.It's not that I have done

> anything wrong because the Bible says the same thing I am saying and

> we all know the Bible is good.Thinking rationally about my own

> actions is beyond my capacity.Questioning myself at all might make me

> feel bad.Feeling bad makes me so angry! I am not bad--you are an

> awful,awful child.I should send you away to a place that can control

> you.But why are you crying? My own actions don't quite compute in my

> own head,so it makes no sense to me that you are now crying.I don't

> hate you--hate is a bad word.I am not associated with bad things.I am

> good.Shades of gray go over my head.Anything that doesn't translate

> into me being good is weird.I am good,I am really concerned about

> you.I cannot understand complicated cause and effect or how the laws

> of cause and effect have anything to do with my own actions,that is

> why we don't let you go to school,because your reactions to me are

> beyond my capacity to apprehend and that makes you full of weird

> ideas and also if you went to school,that might make me feel bad

> because I'd lose the hold I have on my identity (you). I don't want

> to know that I don't understand this is what I'm really doing because

> not understanding what I'm really doing would make me bad.It must be

> because you have weird ideas.I am good.Weird ideas are bad and

> because I cannot possibly be mentally ill or have something wrong

> with ME,maybe you need to see a psychiatrist.It isn't that I don't

> understand what I'm doing or why what I do causes you to react in a

> certain way,I am good,you must be the one who is mentally ill,the one

> who is bad.You were supposed to be a BLESSING that saved me from all

> bad things. "

>

> I hope that made some sense.The way they think is so

> simplistic,it's unbelievable.The relationship your parents have with

> eachother is a whole other dynamic.

>

> If you don't mind,I'd like to respond more later to the issues

> with your father.I thank you for sharing your story,it has helped me

> to see more aspects of my own situation.I hope that something I've

> written has been helpful to you as well or to someone else reading

> this post.

>

> --

> >

> >

> >

> > best way I can describe my parents is like my mom is like george

> bush and my dad is like

> > dick cheney. My mom is like so stupid and insane that she can't

> really be held responsible

> > for what she did. She acts insane and then my dad - he actually has

> the brains and has to

> > clean up the situation and say, " Nada your stupid- " not because of

> what she did but

> > because " you know, we cant let her go out now because people can

> see those marks on

> > her legs. You can't do that, your stupid! " My dad understood what

> he was doing is against

> > the law and abusive, but put his energy into covering it up and

> covering up my moms

> > abuse.

> >

> > it hurts me that I;ll never have a mom, but through the years I

> could see me and my

> > boyfriend telling funny stories about my mom, even with the really

> bad things. But with my

> > dad, I'll never be able to joke about it, its just too hard. the

> stuff with my dad is more

> > intense, the stuff with my mom is like, what a freakin idiot.

> >

> > I wonder what a psychologist would say about my dad. maybe that he

> has displaced anger

> > problems. The times he got mad were usually times my mom was

> annoying the hell out of

> > him. times he was mad at my mom. but he never touched her. Also my

> dad uses his

> > religion to justify his behavior.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Mya,

A lot of what you describe regarding your mom and the whole piano playing and

fundamentalist college resonated with me.  I was homeschooled at age 12 and

deprived of my teenage years.  I was so bored in homeschool (and lonely, without

knowing it) that I took up piano playing again.  This was after my mom tried to

teach me at age 4, and I really truly didn't understand piano!  She gave up in a

huff, and then, when I started to show interest again, didn't get me a piano

teacher!!  I'm still mad at her for that.  I coulda been really good as a teen,

particularly with all the time on my hands, from being homeschooled. 

When I was 15, I decided that I didn't want to become a teacher.  My mother had

groomed me to be a certified teacher, so that I could help out the homeschool

community.  (Apparently the state wanted homeschoolers to be overseen by a

" real " teacher.)  I realized that I had NO interest in teaching or in studying

education.  I decided I wanted to do music.  But I couldn't do piano, my first

love, since I wasn't good enough to enter a conservatory, cuz I didn't have

lessons!!!  I decided on flute, and shockingly enough, my mom agreed.  (

Although she tried to have me play recorder, and even bought 2 expensive wooden

ones!)  At 16 1/2, I started flute, with private lessons.  With all that free

time from homeschool, I advanced rapidly.  At 17, my flute teacher asked me what

college I would be going to, since normally 17 year olds are applying for

college.  They are?!?  My mom and I had no idea!!

So, what college was decided on??  Bob University!!!  I went there and

auditioned for a spot as a flute performance major.  They were skeptical, and

put me on probation in music education.  I worked my butt off, and the next year

they let me switch to flute performance. (phew!)  But, like you mentioned, the

whole idea for college was NOT so that I could support myself!  I don't know if

helping my future husband was in the back of my parents' heads, but I certainly

was not allowed to support myself after college. 

While my parents supported my goals throughout college, once I was done, I was

totally sabotaged.  I had to move back home, and take care of the household

chores, because my mom was so unable to. My mom took up where she had left off 4

years before in homeschooling, and tried to finish off the loose ends in my high

school education!!  I had no way of pursuing a music career--I didn't even

drive!  I wasn't " allowed " to interview at a local church music school that I

could have biked to!  No, instead, I played piano at the local 30-person Baptist

church, taught 4 kids in Sunday School, and after I was done playing for hymns

during the service, ran into the nursery to relieve whoever was in there!

Finally, when I was 24, I was allowed to babysit for the backdoor neighbor, at a

rate half to one-third the going rate.  Boy, did that woman ever take advantage

of me! 

Oh, did I mention that my mother kept bugging me about not playing my flute, the

one that she'd paid 4 years of tuition for?  Not that I had anywhere to play it

or any motivation to do so!  I still have no motivation to play the flute,

because I feel like I'm not good enough for the San Francisco Symphony!  (Well,

maybe if I practiced, but I don't...)  And if I was practicing a nice juicy

Beethoven sonata on piano, she'd walk by and say " I didn't have the training you

got... " and I never knew how to respond.  Except to never practice unless she

was out of the house!  Which meant practice was sporadic.

I got tired of waiting around for that magical suitor to appear, the

fundamentalist man who would sweep me off my feet and marry me.  (I also finally

realized, at age 29, that even if BOTH my parents approved of some guy, my mom

would back out of her approval on the eve of the wedding, saying " she didn't

feel right about it " and then the marriage would be called off.)

I got bored, and decided to try politics.  My parents put up no roadblocks.  I

trained with some grassroots political groups.  I got my big break,  a organizer

of volunteers for a Senate campaign in Georgia.  THEN came the roadblocks.  How

God would remove his protection from me if I left the house of my father.  How I

would be taken advantage of by every man who came along.  How I was a rebel for

not believing these theories!

I fled the house at 5 am, my neighbor waiting outside to take me to the

airport.  My mother came flying out of the house in her white nightie, screaming

" you didn't even say good-bye! "      DUH, Mom.

I flew to Georgia, and lived in the home of the man running for Senate. The

candidate's wife  was a total narcissist.  I left after 6 weeks of crying, and

haven't touched politics since.  I came back to California, but not to my

parents house.  I would have lived in a homeless shelter before I went there.  I

got some breaks, and got housing and a retail job in the nick of time. 

I started up a piano business 3 months later.  I celebrated turning 30 with

landlords who showed me what normal people are like.  I spent 3 years building

clientele, and now have a full schedule of students. My mother is still waiting

for me to fail.  Guess what, Mom?  I'm more popular than ever, and my clients

all love me more than you ever will.  And even though I lost one-third of my

clients this year, due to sports and kids turning 12, I got 4 new kids this week

alone, and I have replaced all those students I lost. Stick that in your pipe

and smoke it.  I won't fail, because I have more inner resources than she has. 

And I have a dear friend, who I know won't desert me if I ever break my back or

get cancer or something, and can't support myself. I will never go back to my

mother or her house!  It costs too much!

Honoria

 

 

 

Posted by: " myadeleon " myadeleon@... myadeleon

    Date: Mon Aug 18, 2008 11:01 am ((PDT))

>>My mom wants me to fail, but why does she push me so bad to succeed?

I want to talk about how my mom always takes credit for everthing good I do. I

have a

really good memory of things said to me. plus my mom says the same things over

and

over and over again:

" you know, your talent for piano is because of me. It's not because you are

exceptionally

talented its because I made you take piano and made you compete, and that's why

you

won those awards and did as well as you did. If I had parents that pushed me I'd

be just as

good. "

" Oh, but that was a big waste of money anyways, since you don't even play the

piano

anymore. "   Me: " I still play. " Her " I didn't pay all that money for you to play

for yourself. We

had the plan that you would play the piano for your church or be a piano teacher

and help

support your husband, or you might have been in a the ministry. "   They always

wanted me

to mary a music pastor. " But you always have to do the opposite of what your

parents

want. "

My mom didn't care about when I played Chopin's Winter Wind at age 13 or Ravel's

Ondine

De Lanuit at 17. She'd get annoyed because she didn't have a taste for that

stuff. Most

people who don't even play piano would like it. She likes stupid simple sing

alongs and

hymns and that's all she ever wanted me to play. Offertory stuff, hymn

arrangements.

Fine, but like, really easy and boring.  She used to say " would you stop playing

that

garbage!? " And I'd say, " Mom its chopin, its not garbage. "   " people don't like

listening to

that stuff. " " yeah they do. " " not normal people! "

" The only reason you started reading at 4 is because I taught you to read at 4.

It's not

because you are exceptionally smart or anything, its because I pushed you to

read at 3.

You know, I could read at 4 too. You're not that smart. "

[Guest guest]

You have listed the things that you don't want or are afraid might

happen, but what good things do you want to happen by " confronting "

them? Is it for a better relationship with them, for things to

change for the better, for them to get help...?

First, I would recommend talking to a therapist about them -

sometimes they have them on campus and the first session is free. If

you are planning a big venting session with your parents, there's a

chance it might turn into a big argument. (IMO) It would be better

to get all the " venting " out somewhere else- like here in this group,

with a friend, or with a therapist. You are hurt (and understandably

so) - In my experience, though, telling a BPD parent that they hurt

you doesn't usually go over too well. Hopefully, a therapist will

give you tools on how to talk and relate to your parents.

If you turn the situation around, none of us like it when people

point out our faults - especially out BPD parents. Usually, a

person's first inclination is to get on the defensive when someone

points out a fault. That is exactly what a BPD parent will do to the

extreme(at least my mother does) because it is part of their

disorder - they don't want to admit that they could be wrong.

(this is just my opinion from past experiences with my BPD mom - your

parents might react differently) Good Luck!

>

> Feeling that I want to confront my dad. or my parents.

>

> I should mention that I've posted a couple times on here, not

enough to really be known,

> but my mom is the one with BPD, and she's the only one I've

mentioned on here. It's

> actually harder for me to talk about my dad than my mom, just

because, well, its easier to

> talk about the crazy person abusing me (mom) than it is to talk

about someone who's not

> crazy but just abusive (dad).

>

> I just want to confront them about the abuse, confront them about

keeping me away from

> other kids, homeschooling me, how i feel I was robbed of a

childhood. I'm going to

> confront them about the long lasting effects their abuse has had on

me, how I believe my

> self destructive behaviors are a direct result of it. I'm scared

that my dad will take me out

> of the will, and I know that they are going to tell my other family

members about it and

> paint me in a bad light again, and the rest of my family (extended)

won't want to have

> anything to do with me either. I wan't to get all this stuff inside

of me out.

>

> I've been living lies with them because of unreasonable

expectations they have and I want

> to be honest and confess the lies about like, they think I'm in

nursing school but the truth

> is I don't even want to be a nurse, I want to tell them to stop

pressuring me to do things I

> don't want to do, to let me live my live, and I shouldn't have to

lie to them anymore to

> keep them from harassing me.

>

> I'm feeling sad about school. I hate how my mom rubs in the fact

that I'm " too old " to not

> be done with school yet (I'm 21 and a junior in college). I feel

too old, since I took like 2

> years off of college. I started college a year early. My mom always

planned for me to

> graduate in 3 years as an RN, thinking I'd do summer school and

stuff.

>