*sigh* I don't know what to do

[Guest guest]

SO today has been a hellish day with my mother.

I admit to not being the most respectful person around with her. I

have my faults, and one of them is letting go of my anger.

So my mother originally dragged me into sessions with my ex therapist,

who she wanted to use to get us to have a relationship. (this was

about 6-8 weeks back) (The original one she called .5 hour before the

appointment to get me to phone in. a little over the top in boundary

violations)

fine, so I have been phoning into these sessions, for a while they

have been going well, but she is very focused on money, and she is

tired of using him of an intermediary. And I keep focusing on the

past. He sort of wanted to focus on the future, or have me start to

walk out a bit (at least for a little while, he thinks I am strong,

decent man)

I'm finally getting angry for the way I feel like I have been treated.

The problem is I am obsessing over it.

So she walks out when we get in a yelling match over how I was not

taking 10-12 phone calls on Friday, while I was cooking for shabbat in

California (I moved there to live with a much older bf, who supports a

separation process, and to turning myself into a professional and a

mensch character. He thinks it will be better for my ego, and he

Doesn't want to fully commit to someone who doesn't treat themselves

like a mensch, cleaned up, etc. Thinks it is a bad relationship to

always have one person giving, because in the end, I will realize, and

I will want to renegotiate, bad for long term like marriage long

term), about financial aid (which I admit to partially screwing up,

but I was devolved from the process, I never got the guidance to learn

how to do it, and I don't know anything about filling out forms, nor

about my parents income)- so it was missing my signature. My BF has

been kind enough, in the middle of a deal (he's a lawyer-dude as I

would say) to do some faxing for me. But I didn't want to spend all

that time getting angry or mommying my mom. When the problem was that

I was devolved from the app to begin with.

SO She walked out of session. Then Called here at threeish, while I

was in the shower. She's sent me an email about how I've been to

israel and how she wants a better relationship, which I generally

beleive, despite some history of lying. WIthout me in the house to

lean on, she's getting closer with her friends, which I am proud of.

So I can understand where the email is coming from. Though I don't

think it is concious.

She's trying to budget me hard because she's disapproving of my

summer. (fincial dependency.) I have a job, but I would need a second

one to really amke it, and that wouldn't help with college (and I

don't want to drop out) She's angry a little bit about where I chose

to go because of it's small active Jewish population, and doesn't like

my major.

So because I missed her call/didn't respond in time to her email (of

which I didn't know there was a time limit) she's put a watch on the

credit card.

My dad seems devolved from the situation. I tried to call him, he

didn't pick up. I may call him later and try to explain. But

sometimes I feel like he favors my brother, who shares similar

interests, and therefore secretly thinks is smarter. I'm different,

more artistic, more out there, liberal, trying to discover myself,

more emotional? More sensitive? More something?

I want to detach from the situation. So I thought I should maintain

good terms with my relatives, and move one, and I called my aunt. Who

is trying to get me to sit in her shoes. But I am tired of the

antics. And I say I don't want to tolerate. And she says this is

rude. Maybe it is. She says I should do good shabbat on Friday.

Maybe I should. But I don't know how to keep the pain and fear away,

and therefore my temper. I just want to be heard and supported

instead of everything being repeated 6 times.

But I feel I need just lots of support emotionally for some self

discovery to create. I want to write a novel (actually one character

has borderline personality disorder, it works in context)

And I want to follow the bf's advice and become a professional mensch.

I;'m tired of the disorganization, of feeling slightly out of touch,

Of feeling pained because I am never creative or vibrant enough. And

I just need lots of encouragement to do that. The Unconditional Love

kind. I want to look good, and feel good. For once.

And not go to sleep and eat ice cream from the stress instead.

So how do I just get it all done.

And reach out to my father's brother- who he managed to ruin his

relationship with.

I feel overwhelmed with life.

And I don't want to think I am my mother's instigator, either.

And No, I don't write like this professionally. This is fairly stream

of consciousness. And me stressed out.