Newcomer

[Guest guest]

Shirley, You do what is best for you. I'm angry

for staying with someone that couldn't ever love anyone but himself and

alcohol. I'm angry

that I aloud myself and my kids to stay where we were nothing. I left

him before I knew I was sick but I have no regrets. Even having PLS I am

happier and my kids are happier with out the abuse. I wish you and your

family the very best. Just a suggestion but I would look into counseling,

if you had a good marriage at one time it maybe worth a try. God Bless,

B. Oregon

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[Guest guest]

Laurel, I would have liked to have left Mr. Wonderful and won the lottery

but it didn't work out that way. I got PLS instead, just trying to make

the best of it.

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[Guest guest]

Galen, Perfect! B. Oregon

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[Guest guest]

:

I know how you all are feeling about being unattractive to your mate. I

think it's wonderful that this is being discussed so openly. I also

have said to many times " how can you consider me attractive, I have

turned into such a stumble bum " ? He gets very angry at me, and says

" what if the situation were reversed " ? When we married " better for

worse, sickness and in health " . We tok our vows very seriously, and I

have learned what " unconditional love is " . and I don't bring up that

subject at all. Just this morning he told me I " looked beautiful " over

my coffee, and you know I believe he means it. I am one of the lucky

one, so don't push your mate away, if there is a will there is a way.

Good Luck!

Rita

Luv & Hugs!

*************************************

Some people succeed in spite of their handicap. Others succeed because

of them.

[Guest guest]

Hello

My therapist told me a few weeks ago that he suspects that my mum of

having BPD. It's so hard to process.

Mum has always told everyone how hard she has it with me and I always

thought I was the 'bad' one. She is so high functionning around other

people that I don't think anyone we know would understand.

Part of me still can't accept it, I guess I've idealised her and it's

easier to accept the blame than to face reality.

Im 28 and I still still at home with her and her husband. I am

completely withdrawn from her and have unexpressed resentment... but I

do love her immeasurably...It hurts.. I think that I need to move out.

It's so incredibly hard, I'm so attached, she has been my world.

......Thanks for the opportunity to air all this. Knowing that I can

voice it in this setting helps.

[Guest guest]

Hello Rabsie2008:

I can understand how hard it is to process this diagnosis of BPD from

your therapist. So many of the experiences you relate match those of

the others here with a high functioning bpd mother, however, that I

think and hope you can find support and recognition for your pain and

confusion in the group. So: welcome! My name is Katrina and I have

been on and off this list for a few months. I live in Europe (am not

native speaker English which you will sometimes notice) and am 32 yo.

I sometimes find it too hard and too confronting to read through all

the messages, and then I don't go on the list for a certain time.

Then something in my life happens that makes me feel the need to read

and sometimes write down my own experiences or questions. I was

raised by a high functioning bpd mother who was also always (and

still is) considered to be an ideal caregiver and educator, who is a

psychologist and claims to be competent (and to be always right) in

questions of relationships or raising children.

She has always had an enormous impact on me, and I have always loved

her tremendously -- in spite of all the things she objectively did

wrong in her life and during my education. I can hear what you are

saying, and the sheer thought of taking distance, of living without

the constant struggle for approval, which was never granted, or

respect; could cause a deep panic in me. As if my parents had not

raised me to be independent, but to stay dependent on them, mainly on

my mother. I always felt a deep compassion for her, for her sadness,

that weighed on our childhoods. I always wanted to make things better

and I have been her total caregiver, day and night time, available

and exposed to any of her moods -- sadness but also psychotic

outbursts of aggression in the middle of the night, paranoid fear

a.s.o. In hindsight I can indeed recognize: she has been my world. I

find it very brave and very honest that you can admit this to

yourself already now.

My struggling away from her influence has been and still is very

tough, and it's been a long process. A first crucial step was the one

I took when I was 26: I moved out and went to live alone, I rented an

apartment. Previous attempts (I wanted to leave the house ever since

I was 19) were accompanied by the worst manipulation: physical abuse

(yes, she has hit and kicked and beaten me up even in my adolescence

and when I was an adult already, there were no boundaries she's ever

accepted, and even today I cannot trust that she would not do that

again); and also the threat of suicide. She'd done two suicide

attempts before: I found her in the bath tub with the gas open when I

was 20, and one year before I left the house she locked herself in

the bathroom with a hairdryer and threatened to throw it into the

bath. I was powerlessly and desperately banging on the door.

So, I tell you this only to say: moving out of the house was not easy

for me. It was however, one of the best things I ever did. It opened

up the possibility for me to discover my self, to slowly begin to

lead my own life. Without wanting to preach, I would very much

recommend you to take this step. I hope that it is financially

possible. I took on an additional job to enable this, and I

disregarded the advice that I should be wise and " save money for

later " . I am very, very happy that I took this step. I did not have a

SO at the time, and many of my social contacts were strongly related

to my family, my mother was always the gatekeeper of our friendships.

This means that I have been very lonely for quite some time, and even

today I have to do a conscious effort to maintain my own friendships.

I think that this forum can be one of these aspects in YOUR life

where your mother, nor anyone else, has NO businees at all. So: good

for you that you joined the list! Also, you are in therapy already,

which is again very brave and requires a lot of courage. If possible,

try to NOT tell your mother what you've discussed, or even what your

therapist looks like or where you see him or what the office looks

like. I have found that bpd mothers hide their manipulation behind

such 'harmless' questions -- my mother always needs to know where I

am, what I am doing. It is the first thing she asks when she calls

me.

So, I guess what I am saying is that you can learn to diminish the

influence of your mother on your world by taking little steps. It

does not mean that I want to say here that you are not autonomous. i

was completely autonomous, even very responsible for my age; I

studied and worked and did the household and kept everything going, I

knew all from plumbing and chores and paying bills and things that I

shouldn't have known about, I accompanied my mother to her doctors

and knew a lot about medicine and stuff. Between my parents I had

seen and heard much, way too much; even at a young age. But this did

not mean that I truly led my own life, I -- like many here on the

forum -- did not have the permission to focus on my own life. I am

learning this now, and I succeed and fail on and off. But losing a

battle does not mean losing a war...

So I wish you good luck and a lot of courage! Katrina Berries

>

> Hello

>

> My therapist told me a few weeks ago that he suspects that my mum

of

> having BPD. It's so hard to process.

>

> Mum has always told everyone how hard she has it with me and I

always

> thought I was the 'bad' one. She is so high functionning around

other

> people that I don't think anyone we know would understand.

>

> Part of me still can't accept it, I guess I've idealised her and

it's

> easier to accept the blame than to face reality.

>

> Im 28 and I still still at home with her and her husband. I am

> completely withdrawn from her and have unexpressed resentment...

but I

> do love her immeasurably...It hurts.. I think that I need to move

out.

> It's so incredibly hard, I'm so attached, she has been my world.

>

> .....Thanks for the opportunity to air all this. Knowing that I can

> voice it in this setting helps.

>