the story of my childhood

[Guest guest]

I found this last night, I don't know anything about the blog author

or if these are her words or not. It's about narcissism and I'm

posting it because there is so much exchange between bpd/npd and

because it deals with the enabler and I have found that at least an

equal amount of damage was done to me by my mother's enabling of my

father and her 'pretend world' she constructed to make her children

culpable for her husbands personality disorder, so she wouldn't have

to face what the real problem was. I hope the link carries, I am

posting just a snippet but I found this whole thing really helpful

in understanding my mother's behavior as an enabler. I think it's

important for me to understand that she was basically in economic

slavery to him with four small children and no education but she

didn't have to lie to us about what was going on, and expect us to

lie to ourselves, it was just easier for her. In doing so she taught

us we were worthless.

http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2006/11/how-children-of-narcissists-

get.html

" How the children of narcissists get conditioned to tolerate

narcissists " (sorry if this has been posted before)

----------------

" For example, what if she tells him not to lash out viciously at the

kids for trying to get his attention or for some minor imperfection

of behavior? What if she tells him that he's hurting the kids'

feelings and that he must pay some attention to them, must stop

treating them like insignificant flies on the wall by burying his

attention in the newspaper, a radio talk show, or the TV and acting

as though they aren't there?

Since, he's a narcissist, he will bawl, " WAAAH! " (as if imitating

HER as the big baby in the house), and whine, " Get off my back! "

End of story. Nothing less than forcing him to behave at gunpoint

will work with a narcissist. You cannot reason with one, because all

you get is a blowback of irrationality like that to silence you.

In fact, she soon learns that trying to get him to treat the kids

better backfires. His reaction is to get in her face by immediately

abusing them worse to train her not to try to protect them.

So, what is she going to do? She has but one stick - leaving him.

She draws red lines and lets him know that she will leave him if he

crosses one. Typically, the red lines are at physically beating the

kids or committing adultery.

He doesn't want to lose his mamma and sources of NS, so he stays

back of those red lines. But every day, in every way, he abuses

everyone to his heart's content in every other way he can.

In other words, he runs amok just this side of those red lines.

So, what is she going to do? She is normal, so she can't stand his

constant uproars. She is normal, so she can't stand to see him lash

out viciously at her three- and four-year-olds. She is normal, so

she want peace and happiness in her home.

Or at least the semblance of it.

She can't control this wild man. He can't control himself. But guess

what? She can control his victims.

No misstep = no uproar. No complaint = no abuse. Get it?

His VICTIMS are the ones she can control. The children. So she deals

with the problem by controlling the victims instead of the abuser.

In fact, this is why people always blame the victim of a bully =

because the bully is wild and the victim ain't.

So, if you can't get the abuser to stop, make the victim stop

complaining. Expect perfect behavior of the children so that he

doesn't go off at them. Tell them they want too much when they ask

for his attention. Instill the belief in them that they have nothing

better coming from him, that things are as they should be. All in

the name of " peace. "

Now, of course this is wrong, because if you instill the belief in

children that they have no attention, affection, or praise coming,

you instill in them the belief they are unworthy of it. Indeed, they

see other kids and the narcissist getting plenty of this good stuff.

But THEY, they alone, don't deserve any. "

-----------------------

I've never read such a perfect description of enabling and what the

environment that I grew up in was about. I have to say, though, that

indulging in this behavior corrupted my mother. Where she once may

have been able to see clearly, now she is not. She believes her own

imaginary world now, she still believes that her children are

ungrateful and at fault. My dad is a giver; he gives money to his

children all the time, and he buys tons and tons of toys for the

grandkids at yard sales. She has always believed that this excuses

everything that he does. It definitely muddies the water.