Therapy issues (sorry, it's long)

[Guest guest]

I went to my counselor last week after a month long break. During

that break I have had only a couple of instances of contact with my

mother. I started counseling a year ago because I was so distraught

after a break-up with a boyfriend that I had a panic attack and was

severely depressed, with thoughts of suicide (though I'd never

actually do it because my son needs me). It wasn't really all about

the break-up, that was just the final straw, I had been on the edge

for years. After my first few sessions I found that the focus had

shifted to my relationship with my mother...this is when

my " awakening " began. I have finally, after such LC with my mother,

come to a place where I can separate myself emotionally from

her...and I'm seeing the things in my life, my way of thinking, my

reactions, etc, that need to change. I really could relate with the

self-sabatogue thread because I do that ALL THE TIME and never really

realized it before. I also want to address my weight, as I have put

on nearly 45 pounds (on an already overweight body) in the last 9

months or so. She was happy to hear that I was ready to delve

deeper...and then she confessed something to me that surprised me.

She told me that she feels I come in with my " mask of dimples " (I

have deep ones when I smile) and never really acknowledge my deeper

feelings. Essentially, she thinks I put on a happy face and am not

100% real. At first I was surprised and kind of upset...I feel like

I've told her things that are hard for me to discuss...but the more I

thought about it, the more I realized she's right. And the reason I

put on a surface " happy face " a lot of the time is because I am not

in touch with my own emotions. I don't know what I'm feeling a lot of

the time because I was taught that we always act " happy, happy " as my

mom would put it. When I was upset about anything my mom would look

at me with shock and sometimes disgust and ask " how can you feel that

way? " So I don't trust myself and my emotions, I always think that

I'm having the wrong ones, so I hide them and smile. People who

really know me (my closest friends) sometimes see my true feelings,

but then after I've mentioned it, I revert to " happy happy "

because " no one likes someone who's sad. " Ugh. I have a lot of deep

issues I've never discussed. Weird thoughts and memories, dreams and

nightmares. I ended up breaking down sobbing about how the last time

I truly let my feelings take over was when (my ex) and I

broke up, and that's when I got panic attacks and spent a lot of time

praying to die...and that I'm scared of letting it out again, because

that was the most terrifying time of my life. She told me that

during our discussions about and that time of my life, she

felt that I was 100% real. I think it's because I felt no shame or

guilt about those feelings. I feel guilt when I talk about hurt

caused by my mother because I feel I should be more loyal to her. I

also told her how I have never felt truly relaxed in my entire

life...I am always tense. When I was 18 I went to the doctor for

back pain and he was shocked at the knots I had in my back...he said

he'd never seen someone so young with so much tension. It's only

gotten worse. I even sleep tensed up.

To make this long story slightly shorter (I hope), she gave me

homework. She said she feels like I have been through a lot of

things that might make me resentful towards certain people, and that

holding it in and pretending I'm NOT resentful is probably partly to

blame for my self-hatred, which is expressed through my uncontrolled

eating. So I have to make a list of people I have resentment towards

with a sentence or two about WHY I'm resentful. This is hard...I

can't think of anyone outside of my family and ex-husband...and

mostly myself. After my 4-week jam-packed summer quarter at the

University ends in late August, she wants to do EMDR with me. She

thinks it will help, but wants to wait until a less stressful time

because she thinks that there are some seriously deep things that I

have burried and that will come out through this more intensive

therapy. I am terrified because I think she's right and I don't know

if I can take it. I have vague sexual memories from the time I was 4

or 5 that my mom always discounted by saying I was overly dramatic.

I am supposed to try to remember the first time my mom acted in her

cruel way towards me, but I really can't...I have so few childhood

memories, it's ridiculous! I just remember an overwhelming tension

my whole life and have more vivid memories from teenage years on.

How do I deal with this? Is EMDR valid? I know it's shown great

success with PTSD, and she says in a way what I'm dealing with is

quite similar to PTSD, just I lived a LIFE of smaller traumas rather

than one big one. How do I come up with a memory of the first time,

when I have virtually no memories? And WHY do I have no memories? I

am so messed up. I want to improve my life and change my self-

destructive patterns...but I am terrified that I will completely

implode by doing so.