wecome myself to this group

[Guest guest]

My name is Mya. I think my mom has BPD, although I'm not sure. She's

never seen a psychiatrist or psychologist (although she's sent me to

several). I'm 22 and don't live with her anymore but still feel very

effected by my childhood, by being raised by a very sick person. Make

that two sick people. I don't know about my dad. I don't know what's

wrong with him. I don't feel like he's crazy, but I think he's very

unhealthy possibly as a product of his marriage. He feels morally

obligated to defend my mother and take her side no matter what. And he

displaces anger with her toward me.

They were also very fundamentalist-type religious, and thought

corporal punishment was a commandment from god. They took it to the

extreme; my mom 'spanked' me for the first time when i was 6 months

old. I got 'spanked' a lot which meant beating your kid with a paddle

at full force like dozens of hits at a time. I don't know how that can

not be seen as child abuse. I was confused about it as a kid because I

was confused about what child abuse was. I figured it had to be

extreme, like a mom burning her kid with scalding hot water or

strapping them to a chair and beating them for hours with a cane. I

figured it was just something life threatening or requiring immediate

medical attention. I did feel what was happening to me was abusive but

didn't feel that if i told people at church they would agree with me,

since the church encouraged corporal punishment.

Today I'm depressed that i didn't get into an LPN program. It made me

feel like I'm a loser for not getting in, or just confirmed my belief

that i am a loser. I don't know how I'm going to tell my parents,

especially my mom, since all she talks about is how I'm almost 22 and

not done with school yet. So I lied several months ago and told her I

had already been accepted for the program. Found out today I'm not.

she always reminds me about this 19 year old who is in an LPN program.

I felt like if i could get into it she would be, like, proud of me.

Then she stopped by with my grandma today (surprise) and it frustrated

me because i realized that I literally can't say anything around her

without a negative backlash. doesn't matter if its a totally benign

statement, she makes a big deal about it. So we went to my favorite

sushi restaurant and she wouldn't let me order hardly anything -citing

financial strife- and then she took 3/4 of my food and then freaked

out that our bill was 25$ for three of us then took me to walmart and

spent 140$ for random things for her church.

Then she said she wanted to block out 2005 for all the trauma i caused

her and how she doesn't consider me her child anymore.

I hate how obsessed she is with my eating. I feel like she doesn't

even think I'm a person. Like she sees me as disgusting, not even

human. I don't know how else to describe it, i feel like she hates me.

and i don't know what I've done to her to warrant that. I hate how she

always makes me feel stupid and how she always told me I was stupid,

so that's what I always believed. And how she tells me no one likes me

so I always believe no one likes me. And how my brother can't do

anything wrong, no matter what he does, she makes up some excuse about

him being depressed or whatever kind of bullshit she makes up.

I hate that no one else in my family admits that she's crazy, and

sometimes i just feel crazy. If anything goes wrong they assume its my

fault. I feel like no one is on my side ever, like no one ever

believes me.

Why don't they see that she is crazy? only Judy (my childhood friend)

knew my mom was crazy. And all my moms old friends too, which is why

they aren't friends anymore. But not my family. I guess my dad knows

she's crazy. He would never say it.

I hate how my mom always compares me to retarded or crazy people.

People who are either just really crazy or mentally retarded, she's

always saying I'm just like them. Actually she likes to say " I think

everyone i know is losing their mind. "

I'm relieved to be moving 2500 miles away in a few days. I need a

break from her.