The NC Blues

[Guest guest]

Hey guys, I just need to vent about this whole NC thing. The FEAR of it, which

I wrote of

before, is really, really freaking me out. It's getting worse, I'm afraid.

It's compounded by

a lot of other difficulties and major transitions, etc.--a LOT--but I really

think that it's

the budding NC and nada's consequent crazy bursts of email/phone messages that

are

stressing me the most.

As you guys may recall, I've resolved to announce I'll be sending emails at

certain

established intervals. But I haven't been able to do it yet. I don't WANT to

contact nada

and tell her what's going on in my life. I just want her to disappear. But I

know that's not

going to be possible. And really it's not the break from nada that scares me

most--it's

the break from my npd father, I think--the anger he may experience if I start

dictating

communication on my own terms. Although he is extremely, extremely passive

aggressive

about it, npd=Dad is a control freak. Except that he doesn't pay attention to

his kids most

of the time. But he wants to know that when he FEELS like paying attention, he

calls the

shots--and that includes forcing us to pose like a perfect, happy family and to

pose like

nada is not abusive and never has been.

I do have professionals to help me try and deal with the fear factor but I'm

traveling a lot

right now--a LOT--and I won't be able to get real and stable help for a month or

two.

That means for now, I am left without enough things to comfort and calm me. And

this

whole idea of sending the NC email is really, really, really freaking me out.

I'm starting to

have trouble concentrating. At this moment, I've left my wallet at my friend's

house 4

hours away. She is supposed to be mailing it. I've LOST my passport and I

desperately

need it--I think it is at nada's and that terrifies me. I just locked my car

keys in the

trunk, so now tomorrow or tonight I'll have to deal with AAA or some other

expensive

service. My phone is dead--it's just fizzled out completely. And I think all

of this is

anxiety related. I am really freaked! Every day that passes without me sending

the 'Ill be

in touch at x times' message is another day nada can try her best to threaten

and harrass

me. Yet, when I *do* send it, then npd will likely freak out.

I am not financially dependent on them but I am finding that effecting the

psychological

break at the same time I try to deal with other very serious and labor-intensive

transitions

is turning out to be a bit more than I can bear. And, I just needed to vent!

So here it is! I

am freaked!

Sigh.