After nada's birthday

[Guest guest]

I have been NC with my nada for almost three months. I've lost tack

of the exact number of a days. That's a good sign I guess. Yesterday

was nada's birthday, and I decided to stick to my NC guns. I ignored

it completely. I can't believe that I had the courage to do it.

Actually, I fought with myself all day and all night. I'm no pillar of

strength.

I talked myself out of buying her a gift in advance, and then talked

myself out of calling, texting or emailing all day yesterday. Sure she

abandoned her young kids, my sisters, and ran off across the country.

Yes, she has caused me extreme financial hardship and untold

emotional distress, but I just can't get the image of her sitting

alone and sad on her birthday out of my head. I don't even know if

it's an accurate image at all, but it haunts me. I feel consumed by

guilt, even though she finds a way to personally destroy my birthday

every year. I tell myself that I was just doing what I had to in order

to protect myself. Nada honors no boundaries. A crack in the door with

a phone call is the same as me saying " yes, please emotionally berate

me, and feel free to steal my credit card info for the third time, and

yes I would love to help you out of whatever insane situation you've

gotten yourself into now " . I don't know. Maybe it's just soemthing

about pulling the silent NC trigger on one's own parent that is nearly

impossible.

I know in my head that what I did was the safe thing, the right thing

for my and my DH. Why can't I feel that way? I know I will sit here

today, and maybe for many days, trying to fight the urge to call and

apologize. Would I hate myself more or less if I did?