We're NC yet he is still taking control....

[Guest guest]

I've been off line for a few days due to work demands though needed to

write today because I feel so angry. There are 2 " triggers " both of

which happened in the last week. I'll describe one now and the other

another time.

My father is the BPD and we have had NC since Aug 25th when he came to

visit me and had a tantrum or two!.

Over the last few months, my mother and I have been discussing plans for

her to come and visit me (in Oct or Nov) (we live oceans apart). She

recently told me that Nov. would be good for her and was hoping for

earlier in the month rather than later. So I asked why-do they have

engagements towards the end of the month? She said no, but they are

going to be looking at a place to rent in Florida for the Winter. I

can't recall if she said they are actually going there to look in

December, or whether she just wanted to see me early Nov cause they are

going to go end of Dec. and she likes to have time in between long haul

trips, etc. That is sort of irrlevant. The point is that they are

planning to spend the Winter in Fla. which means I will not see them at

X-Mas. My response to this news was " I didn't know you are going to Fla.

for the Winter " . And then we had about an hour long conversation about

how she thought my father had told me, and how I should have known

because he had asked me once before " if we went, would you come " ? so I

explained to my mother that it a very different from " we are going " . I

also kept explaining that he had asked me (when he was here in Aug) what

I am doing over X-Mas-and I said " I don't know-I can't take much time

off cause I have to work " and HE read into that " I am not seeing you

two " . My mother seemed surprised that he told he " I am working over

X-Mas " and not taking ANY time off, when the truth is that I had not

given him a definite answer. There really was no serious discussion

about X-Mas at the time. The history here is that my father has wanted

to rent a place in Fla. for years. So my belief is he is taking this NC

opportunity to a) do what he wants (my parents and I have spent the last

5/6 X-Mas's together), and he is clearly presuming we will be NC at

X-Mas (even though it was my choice to go NC) because (and this is

important) I had made it clear to him that I would not visit them in

Fla. if they went because it is not my favourite place in the world and

I had gone in 04' (we stayed in a hotel-didn't rent a place)-I have made

it clear that I don't want to go to Fla. (I have one holiday a year and

would chose other places before Fla). I had been in 04 and am not ready

to go back-simple as.

It is *his* dream to rent a place, though he also knows I would not

visit so essentially (and this is what I tried to explain to my mother

last night)-he made the decision (for her as well as for me) that we

will not spend X-Mas together as a family.

My mother seemed surprised and said that if we were in contact she

believes he would not go to Fla, and would want to see me. I challenged

her on that. In any case, that it neither here nor there. It saddens me

that I now won't be seeing my *mother* at X-Mas because she would not

dream of leaving my ultra dependant BPD father alone (even though he has

family and friends in Fla.) for one week to come and visit me (their

only child) over X-Mas.

I now also understand why she wants to visit in Nov-she had known we

wouldn't be seeing each other at X-Mas (if they had plans to come here

at X-Mas she would not be coming in Nov-she would not take 2 trips in

such a short time span-she hates flying).

I feel really resentful and almost feel like telling my mother I don't

want her to come in Nov-I don't know why I feel like that but it almost

feels like she is getting everything-she is going to Fla (even though it

is not her fav. place either! she goes to keep him happy) and she also

gets to come here and see me, and then I am left on my own at X-Mas. I

am definitely feeling sorry for myself and wanted to say that before

anyone else pointed it out! X-Mas for me, is about family, and my anger

is to do with my father making unanimous decisions which inevitably mean

we will not be together as a family. My mother is not assertive in the

least and our conversation lasted so long because she kept oscillating

from " I don't believe you never said that to him " (angry at my father

for inventing the fact that I will be working and not seeing them over

X-Mas " to defending his decision/justifying his decision.

So she got off the phone with me saying very sternly " I will ask

him/find out what you actually said to him " -she wanted him to tell her

if I actually said that I am working-at this point she believed me but

wanted him to take responsibility and acknowledge this unanimous

decision.

I believe he *needed* to jump to that conclusion in order to justify

making plans without me!

In any case, I have not heard back from my mother re-this issue-she

didn't e-mail yesterday and e-mailed earlier without mentioning a word

about it. I really doubt she has asked my father what I actually said.

She is choosing an easy life and told me so the other day-she chooses to

keep the peace with him cause she has to live with him. So once again, I

feel very much like she is letting him call the shots, etc. and I feel

sad knowing I will be on my own at X-Mas, unless I make plans to go and

visit friends and family, etc.

Deep down although I want to know if she asked him, whatever he says

will not effect their plans ultimately. They *will* go to Florida

whether I am free to see them or not. I could not see my father coming

back here to see me-I live an ocean apart and they came here in 05 and

06. I don't think he would want to come again.

It gets more frustrating; when I heard that they are going to Fla. I

said that if I see I can take some time off, I may come home (where they

normally live) and see friends and family. Her reply " that would kill

daddy " in other words-for you to come home if he is not there. I replied

" he can't have everything " , i.e, be in Fla. and see me at home (not that

I would want to see him if we are NC). To be clear, my anger is re-him

making plans and inventing excuses/reasons why I will not be there

" she's working " .

Both my parents have made it clear in the past that I am not to come

home if they are not there-it's all about what people would think. God

forbid I come home and see friends and family and have quality time with

others. They always have to be centre of my world when I am home. They

suffocate me-him more than her, but can you believe.....I am not to come

home if he is in Florida. To be frank, if we are still NC by then, I

wouldn't want to see him anyways!!! so why shouldn't I come home?

I wish my mother was more assertive with him-she just isn't. She plays

along and goes along with all his selfish plans (whether she wants to or

not) and whether it means seeing me or not. She'd never leave him on his

own for his b-day or X-Mas yet I have spent many a b-day, including some

big ones (my 30th, 35th) on my own. I've also spent a X-Mas on my own.

He would never, not even for the sake of my mother and I seeing each

other. It's a real triangle, and I don't mean to imply that I want to

split them up over X-Mas but he certainly doesn't seem to care that I

will be alone?! I believe he is angry at me for the NC and is taking

control, as he always does.

Any thoughts?

Psych 1967 (not looking forward to X-Mas) []