Warning Signs You're Dating a Loser

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The Loser: Warning Signs You're Dating a Loser " by ph M. Carver,

Ph.D., Psychologist Comment (September 27, 2003)

Credit: This handout was written by ph M. Carver, Ph.D., a

Clinical Psychologist. It is provided as a public service and can be

reproduced as needed. Dr. Carver is in private practice in Southern

Ohio. http://www.drjoecarver.com

This article was published to the Internet several years ago and was

originally written to help identify " Losers " in relationships. The e-

mail feedback I have received on the article has been tremendous.

It's clear the article is a way of identifying not only " losers " but

controlling, abusive, and manipulating individuals. It's also obvious

these warning signs are not only found in dating relationships - but

in our spouse, our parents, our friends, and our relatives. There are

more victims in the environment of the Loser than his or her partner.

I've been contacted for help by the friends and loved ones of people

involved in relationships with Losers (controlling and/or abusive

partners). The loved ones want to understand the situation and ask

for recommendations and guidance. For this group I have recently

published " Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an

Abuser " .

Obviously, this article has created the need for sequels. I hope to

publish a guide to assist Losers who want to change their life and

behavior. An article addressing sons and daughters who were parented

by Losers is also being planned. If our parent or parents have the

characteristics listed in this article, our ability to function as a

healthy adult may be hindered due to the dysfunctional family/parent

model. My goal is to follow this issue and provide help and guidance

to all those involved with controlling and abusive individuals - from

partners to extended victims.

Introduction

Very few relationships start on terms other than sweetness and

politeness. In the beginning, " the honeymoon " of the relationship,

it's difficult to determine what type of individual you are dating.

Both you and the date are guarded, trying to obtain information about

the other as much as possible without seeming like a police

detective.

Romantic relationships can be wonderful with the right person. A

relationship with the wrong individual however can lead to years of

heartache, emotional/social damage, and even physical damage. A

damaging adult partner can damage us, damage our loved ones, and even

damage the way we feel about love and romance in the future. They can

turn what is supposed to be a loving, supporting, and understanding

relationship into the " fatal attraction " often described in movies.

There are a variety of " bad choices " that may be encountered each

week - most of which are easily to identify and avoid. We all know to

avoid people that appear insane or abusive and not select them as a

dating partner. However, some individuals are better at hiding their

personality and behavior abnormalities. In an effort to provide some

warning about these very damaging individuals, this paper will

outline a type of individual commonly found in the dating scene, a

male or female labeled " The Loser " .

" The Loser " is a type of partner that creates much social, emotional

and psychological damage in a relationship. " The Loser " has permanent

personality characteristics that create this damage. These are

characteristics that they accept simply as the way they are and not a

problem or psychological difficulty. In one sense, they have always

lived with this personality and behavior, often something they

probably learned from their relatives/family. Psychologists usually

treat the victims of " The Loser " , women or men who arrive at the

office severely depressed with their self-confidence and self-esteem

totally destroyed.

The following list is an attempt to outline the characteristics

of " The Loser " and provide a manner in which women and men can

identify potentially damaging relationships before they are

themselves severely damaged emotionally or even physically. If your

partner possesses even one of these features, there is risk in the

relationship. More than three of these indicators and you are

involved with " The Loser " in a very high risk relationship that will

eventually create damage to you. When a high number of these features

are present - it's not a probably or possibility. You will be hurt

and damaged by " The Loser " if you stay in the relationship.

1. Rough Treatment - " The Loser " will hurt you on purpose. If he

or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves

you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male

losers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the

wall. Female losers often slap, kick and even punch their male

partners when upset.

2. Quick Attachment and Expression - " The Loser " has very

shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that

might attract you to " The Loser " is how quickly he or she says " I

Love You " or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than

a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life,

they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll

receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their

attention and nice gestures. This is the " honeymoon phase " - where

they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that

ever happened to you. Remember the business saying " If it's too good

to be true it probably is (too good to be true)! " You may be so

overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant

commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the

major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals

require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so

much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information

before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can

become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic

promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid

warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause " The

Loser " to detach from you as quickly as they committed. " The Loser "

typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four

weeks or very early in the relationship.

3. Frightening Temper - " The Loser " has a scary temper. If your

boyfriend or girlfriend blows up and does dangerous things, like

driving too fast because they're mad, breaking/throwing things,

getting into fights, or threatening others - that temper will soon be

turned in your direction. In the beginning of the relationship, you

will be exposed to " witnessed violence " - fights with others, threats

toward others, angry outbursts at others, etc. You will also hear of

violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper -

throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls,

and kicking things. That quickly serves to intimidate you and fear

their potential for violence, although " The Loser " quickly assures

you that they are angry at others or situations, not at you. At

first, you will be assured that they will never direct the hostility

and violence at you - but they are clearly letting you know that they

have that ability and capability - and that it might come your way.

Later, you fear challenging or confronting them - fearing that same

temper and violence will be turned in your direction.

4. Killing Your Self-Confidence - " The Loser " repeatedly puts

you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you

feel " on guard " , unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that

you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you're too

fat, too unattractive, or don't talk correctly or look well. This

gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them

to later treat you badly - as though you deserved it. In public, you

will be " walking on eggshells " - always fearing you are doing or

saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal

argument.

5. Cutting Off Your Support - In order to control someone

completely, you must cut off their supportive friends - sometimes

even their family. " The Loser " feels your friends and family might

influence you or offer negative opinions about their behavior. " The

Loser " begins by telling you these friends treat you badly, take

advantage of you, and don't understand the special nature of the love

you share with them. In some cases, if they can't get rid of your

best same-sex friend, " The Loser " will claim he or she made a pass at

them. If you talk to your friends or family, " The Loser " will punish

you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations.

Eventually, rather than face the verbal punishment, interrogation,

and abuse, you'll develop the feeling that it's better not to talk to

family and friends. You will withdraw from friends and family,

prompting them to become upset with you. " The Loser " then tells you

they are treating you badly again and you'd be better to keep your

distance from them. Once you are isolated and alone, without support,

their control over you can increase.

6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle - " The Loser " cycles from mean to

sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally

hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened

over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing

all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang

on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other

purpose of the mean cycle is to allow " The Loser " to say very nasty

things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your

self-esteem and self-confidence. " The Loser " often apologizes but the

damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.

7. It's Always Your Fault - " The Loser " blames you for their

anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they

cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or

embarrass you publicly - it's somehow your fault. If you are ten

minutes late for a date, it's your fault that the male loser drives

80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of

the evening. " The Loser " tells you their anger and misbehavior would

not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved

them more, or had not questioned their behavior. " The Loser " never,

repeat " never " , takes personal responsibility for their behavior -

it's always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac

and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault them -

it's actually the fault of the other driver (not his) as they didn't

use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give you the

impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and

deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of

aggression.

8. Breakup Panic - " The Loser " panics at the idea of breaking

up - unless it's totally their idea - then you're dropped like a hot

rock. Abusive boyfriends often break down and cry, they plead, they

promise to change, and they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you

threaten ending the relationship. Both male and female losers may

threaten suicide, threaten to return to old sweethearts (who feel

lucky they're gone!), or threaten to quit their job and leave the

area - as though you will be responsible for those decisions. " The

Loser " offers a multitude of " deals " and halfway measures,

like " Let's just date one more month! " They shower you with phone

calls, often every five minutes, hoping that you will make an

agreement or see them just to stop the telephone harassment. Some

call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else

they can think of - telling those people to call you and tell you how

much they love you. Creative losers often create so much social

pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship

rather than continue under the social pressure. Imagine trying to end

a relationship and receiving tearful calls from all his or her

relatives (they secretly hope you'll keep them so they don't have

to), seeing a plea for your return in the newspaper or even on a

local billboard, receiving flowers at work each day, or having them

arrive at your place of work and offer you a wedding ring (male loser

technique) or inform you that they might be pregnant (female loser

technique) in front of your coworkers! Their reaction is emotionally

intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional prisoner. If

you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction if you

threaten to leave again (making you a prisoner) and they later

frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence of what a

bad person you are. Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and

escapes, if you get him back you build a higher fence. Once back in

the grasp of " The Loser " - escape will be three times as difficult

the next time.

9. No Outside Interests - " The Loser " will encourage you to drop

your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others. If you have an

individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you

feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to

prevent you from having fun or interests other than those which they

totally control.

10. Paranoid Control - " The Loser " will check up on you and keep

track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member

of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know

them. If you don't answer their phone call, you are ask where you

were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will

notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain

places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called

you, and so forth. Some losers follow you to the grocery, then later

ask if you've been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie. In

severe cases, they go through your mail, look through your

purse/wallet, hit your redial on the phone when they arrive, or

search through your garbage for evidence. High-tech losers may

encourage you to make " private " calls to friends from their

residence, calls that are being secretly taped for later reference.

They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen to in music,

and how to behave in public. Eventually, they tell you that you can

not talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or

talk about certain issues in public. If no date is present on Friday

night - " The Loser " will inform you that they will call you that

night - sometime. That effectively keeps you home, awaiting the call,

fearing the verbal abuse and questions you might receive if you

weren't home for the call. This technique allows " The Loser " to do

what they want socially, at the same time controlling your behavior

from a distance or a local bar.

11. Public Embarrassment - In an effort to keep you under control

while in public, " The Loser " will lash out at you, call you names, or

say cruel or embarrassing things about you in private or in front of

people. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you

express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or

later. If you stay with " The Loser " too long, you'll soon find

yourself politely smiling, saying nothing, and holding on to their

arm when in public. You'll also find yourself walking with your head

down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an

angry reaction in " The Loser " .

12. It's Never Enough - " The Loser " convinces you that you are

never quite good enough. You don't say " I love you " enough, you don't

stand close enough, you don't do enough for them after all their

sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected.

This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence.

After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you

are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and

worthless as you.

13. Entitlement - " The Loser " has a tremendous sense of

entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to

do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, " The Loser " feels

they have the right to run the other driver off the road, assault

them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper

tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used

against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one

of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any

manner they see fit.

14. Your Friends and Family Dislike Him - As the relationship

continues, your friends and family will see what " The Loser " is doing

to you. They will notice a change in your personality or your

withdrawal. They will protest. " The Loser " will tell you they are

jealous of the " special love " you have and then use their protest and

opinion as further evidence that they are against you - not him. The

mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry

response from them - eventually placing you in the situation where

you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family

members. " The Loser " will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are

close to - even your children. In some cases, your parents or

brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit your home.

15. Bad Stories - People often let you know about their

personality by the stories they tell about themselves. It's the old

story about giving a person enough rope and they'll hang themselves.

The stories a person tells informs us of how they see themselves,

what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you.

A humorous individual will tell funny stories on himself. " The Loser "

tells stories of violence, aggression, being insensitive to others,

rejecting others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and

in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly

despite how wonderful they were to that person. They brag about their

temper and outbursts because they don't see anything wrong with

violence and actually take pride in the " I don't take nothing from

nobody " attitude. People define themselves with their stories, much

like a culture is described by it's folklore and legends. Listen to

these stories - they tell you how you will eventually be treated and

what's coming your way.

16. The Waitress Test - It's been said that when dating, the way

an individual treats a waitress or other neutral person of the

opposite sex is the way they will treat you in six months. During

the " honeymoon phase " of a relationship, you will be treated like a

king or queen. However, during that time " The Loser " has not

forgotten how he or she basically feels about the opposite sex.

Waitresses, clerks, or other neutral individuals will be treated

badly. If they are cheap - you'll never receive anything once the

honeymoon is over. If they whine, complain, criticize, and torment -

that's how they'll treat you in six months. A mentally healthy person

is consistent, they treat almost all people the same way all the

time. If you find yourself dating a man who treats you like a queen

and other females like dirt - hit the road.

17. The Reputation - As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals

are consistent in their personality and their behavior. " The Loser "

may have two distinct reputations - a group of individuals who will

give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are

serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new restaurant - five

say it's wonderful and five say it's a hog pit - you clearly

understand that there's some risk involved in eating there. " The

Loser " may actually brag about their reputation as a " butt

kicker " , " womanizer " , " hot temper " or " being crazy " . They may tell

you stories where other's have called them crazy or suggested that

they receive professional help. Pay attention to the reputation.

Reputation is the public perception of an individual's behavior. If

the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You

will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the

relationship. With severe behavior problems, " The Loser " will be

found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally

healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with

losers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking the

friends of " The Loser " , it's because they operate the same way he or

she does and you can see it in them.

18. Walking on Eggshells - As a relationship with " The Loser "

continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation,

temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters,

violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid

preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on

your character. You will quickly find yourself " walking on eggshells "

in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention

that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or

criticize the behavior of " The Loser " . Instead of experiencing the

warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense

when talking to others (they might say something that you'll have to

explain later), and fearful that you'll see someone you'll have to

greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable

and less threatening when totally alone - exactly what " The Loser "

wants - no interference with their control or dominance.

19. Discounted Feelings/Opinions - " The Loser " is so self-

involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others

are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin

to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you

will be told that your feelings and opinions don't make sense,

they're silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think

of such things. " The Loser " has no interest in your opinion or your

feelings - but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare

question their behavior. " The Loser " is extremely hostile toward

criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is

questioned.

20. They Make You " Crazy " - " The Loser " operates in such a

damaging way that you find yourself doing " crazy " things in self-

defense. If " The Loser " is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm - you call

Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for

anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and

friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn

family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the

community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to

others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well -

being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent males find themselves

in physical fights with female losers. Nonviolent females find

themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the

verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense,

we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are " going crazy " -

it's important to remember that there is no such thing as " normal

behavior " in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will

return to normal if you detach from " The Loser " before permanent

psychological damage is done.

Dangerous Versions of " The Loser "

There are more severe if not dangerous versions of " The Loser " that

have been identified over the years. If you are involved in a

relationship with one of these versions, you may require professional

and legal assistance to save yourself.

Physical Abuser - Physical abusers begin the relationship with

physical moving - shoving, pushing, forcing, etc. That quickly moves

into verbal threats with physical gestures - the finger in the face,

clinched fist in the face, and voiced physical threats such as " You

make me want to break your face! " Eventually, these combine to form

actual physical abuse - hitting, slapping, and kicking. " The Loser "

is always sorry the next day and begins the mean-then-sweet cycle all

over again. Getting away from physical abusers often requires the

assistance of family, law enforcement agencies, or local abuse

agencies. Female losers often physically attack their partner, break

car windows, or behave with such violence that the male partner is

forced to physically protect himself from the assault. If the female

loser is bruised in the process of self-protection, as when

physically restraining her from hitting, those bruises are

then " displayed " to others as evidence of what a bad person the

partner is and how abusive they have been in the relationship.

Psychotic Losers - There are losers that are severely ill in a

psychiatric sense - the movie description of the " Fatal Attraction " .

Some may tell you wild stories and try to convince you that they are

connected to The Mob or a government agency (CIA, FBI, etc.). They

may fake terminal illness, pregnancy, or disease. They intimidate and

frighten you with comments such as " I can have anyone killed... "

or " No one leaves a relationship with me... " . If you try to end the

relationship, they react violently and give you the impression that

you, your friends, or your family are in serious danger. People often

then remain in the abusive and controlling relationship due to fear

of harm to their family or their reputation. While such fears are

unrealistic as " The Loser " is only interested in controlling you,

those fears feel very real when combined with the other

characteristics of " The Loser " . Psychotic or psychiatrically ill

losers may also stalk, follow, or harass you. They may threaten

physical violence, show weapons, or threaten to kill you or

themselves if you leave them. If you try to date others, they may

follow you or threaten your new date. Your new date may be subjected

to phone harassment, vandalism, threats, and even physical assaults.

If you are recently divorced, separated, or recently ended another

relationship, " The Loser " may be intimidating toward your ex-partner,

fearing you might return if the other partner is not " scared off " .

Just remember - everything " The Loser " has ever done to anyone will

be coming your way. " The Loser " may send you pictures of you, your

children, or your family - pictures they have taken secretly -

hinting that they can " reach out and touch " those you love. You may

need help and legal action to separate from these individuals.

Guidelines for Detachment Separating from " The Loser " often involves

three stages:

The Detachment,

Ending the Relationship, and

the Follow-up Protection.

The Detachment During this part of separating from " The Loser " , you

recognize what you must do and create an Exit Plan. Many individuals

fail in attempts to detach from " The Loser " because they leave

suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without

resources. In many cases, " The Loser " has isolated their partner from

others, has control of finances, or has control of major exit needs

such as an automobile. During the detachment phase you should... -

Observe the way you are treated. Watch for the methods listed above

and see how " The Loser " works. - Gradually become more boring, talk

less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to

bore " The Loser " to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time

not creating a situation which would make you a target.

- Quietly contact your family and supportive others. Determine

what help they might be - a place to stay, protection, financial

help, etc.

- - If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law

enforcement options such as a restraining order.

- - If " The Loser " is destructive, slowly move your valuables

from the home if together, or try to recover valuables if in their

possession. In many cases, you may lose some personal items during

your detachment - a small price to pay to get rid of " The Loser " .

- Stop arguing, debating or discussing issues. Stop defending

and explaining yourself - responding with comments such as " I've been

so confused lately " or " I'm under so much stress I don't know why I

do anything anymore " .

- - Begin dropping hints that you are depressed, burned out, or

confused about life in general. Remember

- - " The Loser " never takes responsibility for what happens in

any relationship. " The Loser " will feel better about leaving the

relationship if they can blame it on you. Many individuals are forced

to " play confused " and dull, allowing " The Loser " to tell others " My

girlfriend (or boyfriend) about half nuts! " They may tell others

you're crazy or confused but you'll be safer. Allow them to think

anything they want about you as long as you're in the process of

detaching.

- - Don't start another relationship. That will only complicate

your situation and increase the anger. Your best bet is to " lay low "

for several months. Remember, " The Loser " will quickly locate another

victim and become instantly attached as long as the focus on you is

allowed to die down.

- - As " The Loser " starts to question changes in your behavior,

admit confusion, depression, emotionally numbness, and a host of

other boring reactions. This sets the foundation for the ending of

the relationship.

Ending the Relationship

Remembering that " The Loser " doesn't accept responsibility, responds

with anger to criticism, and is prone to panic detachment reactions -

ending the relationship continues the same theme as the detachment.

- Explain that you are emotionally numb, confused, and burned

out. You can't feel anything for anybody and you want to end the

relationship almost for his or her benefit. Remind them that they've

probably noticed something is wrong and that you need time to sort

out your feelings and fix whatever is wrong with you. As disgusting

as it may seem, you may have to use a theme of " I'm not right for

anyone at this point in my life. " If " The Loser " can blame the end on

you, as they would if they ended the relationship anyway, they will

depart faster.

- If " The Loser " panics, you'll receive a shower of phone

calls, letters, notes on your car, etc. React to each in the same

manner - a boring thanks. If you overreact or give in, you've lost

control again.

- Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don't

agree to the many negotiations that will be offered - dating less

frequently, dating only once a week, taking a break for only a week,

going to counseling together, etc. As long as " The Loser " has contact

with you they feel there is a chance to manipulate you.

- " The Loser " will focus on making you feel guilty. In each

phone contact you'll hear how much you are loved, how much was done

for you, and how much they have sacrificed for you. At the same time,

you'll hear about what a bum you are for leading them on, not giving

them an opportunity to fix things, and embarrassing them by ending

the relationship.

- Don't try to make them understand how you feel - it won't

happen. " The Loser " only is concerned with how they feel - your

feelings are irrelevant. You will be wasting your time trying to make

them understand and they will see the discussions as an opportunity

to make you feel more guilty and manipulate you.

- Don't fall for sudden changes in behavior or promises of

marriage, trips, gifts, etc. By this time you have already seen

how " The Loser " is normally and naturally. While anyone can change

for a short period of time, they always return to their normal

behavior once the crisis is over.

- Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of

others during this time. You will need encouragement and guidance.

Keep in mind, if " The Loser " finds out you are seeking help they will

criticize the counseling, the therapist, or the effort.

- Don't use terms like " someday " , " maybe " , or " in the future " .

When " The Loser " hears such possibilities, they think you are

weakening and will increase their pressure. - Imagine a dead slot

machine. If we are in Las Vegas at a slot machine and pull the handle

ten times and nothing happens - we move on to another machine.

However, if on the tenth time the slot machine pays us even a little,

we keep pulling the handle - thinking the jackpot is on the way. If

we are very stern and stable about the decision to end the

relationship over many days, then suddenly offer a possibility or

hope for reconciliation - we've given a little pay and the pressure

will continue. Never change your position - always say the same

thing.

- The Loser " will stop playing a machine that doesn't pay off

and quickly move to another. Follow-up Protection " The Loser " never

sees their responsibility or involvement in the difficulties in the

relationship. From a psychological standpoint, " The Loser " has lived

and behaved in this manner most of their life, clearly all of their

adult life. As they really don't see themselves at fault or as an

individual with a problem, " The Loser " tends to think that the

girlfriend or boyfriend is simply going through a phase - their

partner (victim) might be temporarily mixed up or confused, they

might be listening to the wrong people, or they might be angry about

something and will get over it soon. " The Loser " rarely detaches

completely and will often try to continue contact with the partner

even after the relationship is terminated. During the Follow-up

Protection period, some guidelines are: - Never change your original

position. It's over permanently! Don't talk about possible changes in

your position in the future. You might think that will calm " The

Loser " but it only tells them that the possibilities still exist and

only a little more pressure is needed to return to the relationship.

- Don't agree to meetings or reunions to discuss old times.

For " The Loser " , discussing old times is actually a way to upset you,

put you off guard, and use the guilt to hook you again. - Don't offer

details about your new life or relationships. Assure him that both

his life and your life are now private and that you hope they are

happy.

- If you start feeling guilty during a phone call, get off the

phone fast. More people return to bad marriages and relationships due

to guilt than anything else. If you listen to those phone calls, as

though taping them, you'll find " The Loser " spends most of the call

trying to make you feel guilty.

- In any contact with the ex " Loser " , provide only a status

report, much like you'd provide to your Aunt Gladys. For

example: " I'm still working hard and not getting any better at

tennis. That's about it. "

- When " The Loser " tells you how difficult the breakup has

been, share with him some general thoughts about breaking-up and how

finding the right person is difficult. While " The Loser " wants to

focus on your relationship, talk in terms of Ann Landers - " Well,

breaking up is hard on anyone. Dating is tough in these times. I'm

sure we'll eventually find someone that's right for both of us. "

Remember - nothing personal!

- Keep all contact short and sweet - the shorter the better. As

far as " The Loser " is concerned, you're always on your way somewhere,

there's something in the microwave, or your mother is walking up the

steps to your home. Wish " The Loser " well but always with the same

tone of voice that you might offer to someone you have just talked to

at the grocery store. For phone conversations, electronic companies

make a handy gadget that produces about twenty sounds - a doorbell,

an oven or microwave alarm, a knock on the door, etc. That little

device is handy to use on the phone - the microwave dinner just came

out or someone is at the door. Do whatever you have to do to keep the

conversation short - and not personal.

Summary

In all of our relationships throughout life, we will meet a variety

of individuals with many different personalities. Some are a joy to

have in our life and some provide us with life-long love and

security. Others we meet pose some risk to us and our future due to

their personality and attitudes. Both in medicine and mental health

- the key to health is the early identification and treatment

of problems

- before they reach the point that they are beyond treatment.

In years of psychotherapy and counseling practice, treating the

victims of " The Loser " , patterns of attitude and behavior emerge

in " The Loser " that can now be listed and identified in the hopes of

providing early identification and warning. When those signs and

indicators surface and the pattern is identified, we must move

quickly to get away from the situation. Continuing a relationship

with " The Loser " will result in a relationship that involves

intimidation, fear, angry outbursts, paranoid control, and a total

loss of your self-esteem and self-confidence. If you have been

involved in a long-term relationship with " The Loser " , after you

successfully escape you may notice that you have sustained some

psychological damage that will require professional repair. In many

cases, the stress has been so severe that you may have a stress-

produced depression. You may have severe damage to your self-

confidence/self-esteem or to your feelings about the opposite sex or

relationships. Psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and

counselors are available in your community to assist and guide you as

you recover from your damaging relationship with " The Loser " .

- Credit: This handout was written by ph M. Carver, Ph.D.,

a Clinical Psychologist. It is provided as a public service and can

be reproduced as needed. Dr. Carver is in private practice in

Southern Ohio. ##