Trouble with anger

[Guest guest]

I don't know if anyone else has this problem, it seems to be popping

up for me more often than I am comfortable with.

I am having problems with rage. Most of the time I am really good. I

mouth off a bit under my breath at idiot car drivers but I keep a lid

on it. My problem is my rage seems to come out when I am having

trouble physically moving things. I was cleaning out my office and I

needed to make more room. I was wrestling with an old play crib that

I had let my bada and sil borrow when they got their child home from

China. I was really happy to do it as the entire family was really

excited about the new arrival. Anyway they handed it back to me and

told me that their daughter no longer needed it and would not sleep

in it. Which was ok and it has been sitting in the corner of my

office under a pile of stuff. I keep it around because I am going to

try for another child next year. In vitro, lots of internal problems

(another long story).

When I tried to move it, it completely fell apart. It had been put

together haphazardly, without any thought to the person who would

have to deal with it. I don't know why I didn't notice it when I put

it in my office indending to put it away at a later date.

The more I struggled with it the madder I got, until I was in a full

blown rage, before I could shove it into the downstairs closet. My

poor son walked in for the xth number of times (we are in double

digits here) and wanted to ask me a completely off the wall question

and I told him to get out in a very nasty voice. I knew it and I knew

it scared him but I couldn't stop it. I wanted him out of the way so

that I wouldn't get even more enraged. He in no way deserved it.

I apologized to him right after it happened. I explained to him that

sometimes Mom looses it and that the reason I wanted him out of my

office is that I wanted not to get even madder than I already was.

I feel horrible. And I was careful to be extra nice to him and to

make sure that he knew that he was not to blame for my being angry.

My worry is that I may not have done enough explaining or perhaps

have done too much (still can't win).

As KOs who have seen this kind of anger from someone who doesn't give

a damn what is it you would have liked to hear from your BPD/NPD to

make you feel better? To explain it in a way to let you know that

parents are human and that it wasn't your fault that you chose a

really bad time to interrupt the parental unit?

I know where the rage was coming from and it was directed at my bada

and SIL for all the absolute guano they have put me through, but I

don't want my son damaged because of what they have done to me. I am

doing a lot of self study and try to catch the rage before it gets

out. I guess I stuff until there is no room left in that particular

black box. I tell my son to leave me alone when he starts to trigger

additional rage by pushing as every six year old does. I am trying to

protect him until I get this worked out, but I slip up.

I am not seeing a therapist because I absolutely do not have the

money to do so (that is an entirely different story).

Any insight, anyone? You could really help me out here. I can't seem

to engage my logical side on this one.

Be strong