when i am at her mercy

[Guest guest]

i have posted here a few times. but never really revealed much about

my history.. now i have some time so we go. i have spent my entire

life trying to make my mother happy. buying gifts, excelling in

school, baton, dance, whatever it took. but i also always rebelled

and loved tohe canhe get high. so, i realized the only times i

wasn't finding comfort from chemicals and such was when i was very

independant, especially financially. when i chose to leave these

situations of security from the ex husbands. it was always mom to

the rescue. and lord how i have paid for these times. even, though,

she lived with me my entire first marriage...8 years and was in

freakin control then even though i didn't know it then. i finally

messed with a drug that took control and found myself very dependant

on her. she was the ideal, stand by you, i got your back, mother

then. now that i have gotten it together and trying reestablish

myself have i started getting getting the constand criticizm and

reminders of how sorry i am. its so sick. she can not stand it when

i am successful and happy, and she tries her best to bring up daily

this crap from 5 years ago. its been a long hard road for me to get

back to where i am today.. the closer i get to independance the worse

and harder she makes it for me demanding money and stuff

unreasonable other demands. she wants me to stay in this helpless

place so she can rule over me. WTF.... is this a BPD

characteristic?? i am new to all of this. first therapy session

8/28/08. i live with her still and she is always telling me what a

bad person/mother i am/ i work for a non profit who provides

training and employment for former offenders, she is so jealous and

puts me down for this all the time. i use to be a nurse. is is also

a BPD characateristic for them act as though they completely hate

their own child. i don't understand this at all.