Why does it still get to me SO much...?

[Guest guest]

I have worked hard on problems with intimacy in the last years. I have

done serious efforts to work through the experience of having been

raped by a trusted friend and counselor at age 20, and to work through

the experience of having dated a sexually aggressive man in the past. I

manage to have a satisfying, respectful and warm and loving

relationship with my husband, also sexually there is a lot of

tenderness and absolute mutual respect of each other's desires, needs,

boundaries.

Yet, lately the constant allusions of my mother to either her or my sex

life (I wrote about them here in two previous posts or so), and the

memories (that I seem to have allowed to emerge only now) of how she

came into my bedroom, and woke me (at the age of eleven to fourteen or

so) up to confide in me all her experiences or fantasies on an overtly

sexual level; or to force me (when I got a little older) to tell me my

own experiences with a first boyfriend (and apart from some kissing

there wasn't that much to tell) -- all this is bugging me more and

more. I try not to think about it, but I do in the night, at unguarded

moments, it creeps into my dreams, I feel nauseous throughout the day,

I feel dirty and in need of a shower with ice cold water the whole

time. It is hard to find the words to describe the feeling that

overcomes me.

I am starting to feel that many of the hundreds of negative and

humiliating remarks that my nada had when I was an adolescent about my

looks, my hair, my weight, my clothes was loaded in a sexual way. I

have dreams that point into that direction also. Apart from two or

three painful incidents that I will not tell here now, I have not been

sexually assaulted or abused by my nada. Compared to the severe

physical abuse I had when the 'witch' emerged, I used to always think

for myself (not saying anything about other people's experiences!) that

these remarks weren't that bad or harmful. But I begin to doubt that

and don't quite know what I can do with this new painful insight, and

with the nauseating feeling this gives me. I wonder if this sort of

behavior has a name, if it is recognized here on the forum...? Please,

any advice is appreciated. I am especially worried that my progress in

therapy with the issues described in the beginning of the mail is being

threatened by this...thank you, Katrina

[Guest guest]

Your post rang a bell with me; I have similar memories.

Your mother was inappropriately sexual with you. Normal, sane, healthy

parents do not describe their own intimate sexual experiences with

their children or make their children share their own first intimate

experiences. That is a very disturbing level of violating someone's

personal boundaries.

What you experienced was " emotional incest. " No wonder you are

feeling upset and anguished, that is such a horrendously cruel thing

to do to a child or teen. To anyone.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

I hope you will eventually feel comfortable enough with your therapist

to share your distressing memories with him/her and let them help you

through it.

-Annie

>

> I have worked hard on problems with intimacy in the last years. I have

> done serious efforts to work through the experience of having been

> raped by a trusted friend and counselor at age 20, and to work through

> the experience of having dated a sexually aggressive man in the past. I

> manage to have a satisfying, respectful and warm and loving

> relationship with my husband, also sexually there is a lot of

> tenderness and absolute mutual respect of each other's desires, needs,

> boundaries.

> Yet, lately the constant allusions of my mother to either her or my sex

> life (I wrote about them here in two previous posts or so), and the

> memories (that I seem to have allowed to emerge only now) of how she

> came into my bedroom, and woke me (at the age of eleven to fourteen or

> so) up to confide in me all her experiences or fantasies on an overtly

> sexual level; or to force me (when I got a little older) to tell me my

> own experiences with a first boyfriend (and apart from some kissing

> there wasn't that much to tell) -- all this is bugging me more and

> more. I try not to think about it, but I do in the night, at unguarded

> moments, it creeps into my dreams, I feel nauseous throughout the day,

> I feel dirty and in need of a shower with ice cold water the whole

> time. It is hard to find the words to describe the feeling that

> overcomes me.

> I am starting to feel that many of the hundreds of negative and

> humiliating remarks that my nada had when I was an adolescent about my

> looks, my hair, my weight, my clothes was loaded in a sexual way. I

> have dreams that point into that direction also. Apart from two or

> three painful incidents that I will not tell here now, I have not been

> sexually assaulted or abused by my nada. Compared to the severe

> physical abuse I had when the 'witch' emerged, I used to always think

> for myself (not saying anything about other people's experiences!) that

> these remarks weren't that bad or harmful. But I begin to doubt that

> and don't quite know what I can do with this new painful insight, and

> with the nauseating feeling this gives me. I wonder if this sort of

> behavior has a name, if it is recognized here on the forum...? Please,

> any advice is appreciated. I am especially worried that my progress in

> therapy with the issues described in the beginning of the mail is being

> threatened by this...thank you, Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

I also had similar experiences - stepnada was extremely inappropriate

with us as kids. Told my sis (at age 10) that my mother was better

in bed than her. As if my dad would have ever said that to her.

Don't know where that came from. She would give me details about

their attempts to reverse his vasectomy (I was eight). She also used

to get pissed if we wouldn't undress while she was around. " You're

too modest!! " She liked to talk about sex A LOT - to the point where

I remember other, older people (if they were around) being visibly

embarrassed by her behavior. She also liked to straddle my father's

lap and make out with him while we were in the room (basically dry

humping him). He did nothing to stop it but seemed embarrassed about

it. She once pushed my sister off his lap (sis was 5) and told him

it was her " turn on daddy's lap! " in a baby voice. Gross. She liked

to be very loud with sex when we were kids, keeping the doors open

(no closed doors allowed in our house!!) and we would hear. It still

creeps me out.

> >

> > I have worked hard on problems with intimacy in the last years. I

have

> > done serious efforts to work through the experience of having

been

> > raped by a trusted friend and counselor at age 20, and to work

through

> > the experience of having dated a sexually aggressive man in the

past. I

> > manage to have a satisfying, respectful and warm and loving

> > relationship with my husband, also sexually there is a lot of

> > tenderness and absolute mutual respect of each other's desires,

needs,

> > boundaries.

> > Yet, lately the constant allusions of my mother to either her or

my sex

> > life (I wrote about them here in two previous posts or so), and

the

> > memories (that I seem to have allowed to emerge only now) of how

she

> > came into my bedroom, and woke me (at the age of eleven to

fourteen or

> > so) up to confide in me all her experiences or fantasies on an

overtly

> > sexual level; or to force me (when I got a little older) to tell

me my

> > own experiences with a first boyfriend (and apart from some

kissing

> > there wasn't that much to tell) -- all this is bugging me more

and

> > more. I try not to think about it, but I do in the night, at

unguarded

> > moments, it creeps into my dreams, I feel nauseous throughout the

day,

> > I feel dirty and in need of a shower with ice cold water the

whole

> > time. It is hard to find the words to describe the feeling that

> > overcomes me.

> > I am starting to feel that many of the hundreds of negative and

> > humiliating remarks that my nada had when I was an adolescent

about my

> > looks, my hair, my weight, my clothes was loaded in a sexual way.

I

> > have dreams that point into that direction also. Apart from two

or

> > three painful incidents that I will not tell here now, I have not

been

> > sexually assaulted or abused by my nada. Compared to the severe

> > physical abuse I had when the 'witch' emerged, I used to always

think

> > for myself (not saying anything about other people's

experiences! ) that

> > these remarks weren't that bad or harmful. But I begin to doubt

that

> > and don't quite know what I can do with this new painful insight,

and

> > with the nauseating feeling this gives me. I wonder if this sort

of

> > behavior has a name, if it is recognized here on the forum...?

Please,

> > any advice is appreciated. I am especially worried that my

progress in

> > therapy with the issues described in the beginning of the mail is

being

> > threatened by this...thank you, Katrina

> >

>

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[Guest guest]

Wow...

There are some really sick people in this world. Thank God that you

and your sis turned out normal and didn't get sucked into that

warped behavior.

> > >

> > > I have worked hard on problems with intimacy in the last

years. I

> have

> > > done serious efforts to work through the experience of having

> been

> > > raped by a trusted friend and counselor at age 20, and to work

> through

> > > the experience of having dated a sexually aggressive man in

the

> past. I

> > > manage to have a satisfying, respectful and warm and loving

> > > relationship with my husband, also sexually there is a lot of

> > > tenderness and absolute mutual respect of each other's

desires,

> needs,

> > > boundaries.

> > > Yet, lately the constant allusions of my mother to either her

or

> my sex

> > > life (I wrote about them here in two previous posts or so),

and

> the

> > > memories (that I seem to have allowed to emerge only now) of

how

> she

> > > came into my bedroom, and woke me (at the age of eleven to

> fourteen or

> > > so) up to confide in me all her experiences or fantasies on an

> overtly

> > > sexual level; or to force me (when I got a little older) to

tell

> me my

> > > own experiences with a first boyfriend (and apart from some

> kissing

> > > there wasn't that much to tell) -- all this is bugging me more

> and

> > > more. I try not to think about it, but I do in the night, at

> unguarded

> > > moments, it creeps into my dreams, I feel nauseous throughout

the

> day,

> > > I feel dirty and in need of a shower with ice cold water the

> whole

> > > time. It is hard to find the words to describe the feeling

that

> > > overcomes me.

> > > I am starting to feel that many of the hundreds of negative

and

> > > humiliating remarks that my nada had when I was an adolescent

> about my

> > > looks, my hair, my weight, my clothes was loaded in a sexual

way.

> I

> > > have dreams that point into that direction also. Apart from

two

> or

> > > three painful incidents that I will not tell here now, I have

not

> been

> > > sexually assaulted or abused by my nada. Compared to the

severe

> > > physical abuse I had when the 'witch' emerged, I used to

always

> think

> > > for myself (not saying anything about other people's

> experiences! ) that

> > > these remarks weren't that bad or harmful. But I begin to

doubt

> that

> > > and don't quite know what I can do with this new painful

insight,

> and

> > > with the nauseating feeling this gives me. I wonder if this

sort

> of

> > > behavior has a name, if it is recognized here on the forum...?

> Please,

> > > any advice is appreciated. I am especially worried that my

> progress in

> > > therapy with the issues described in the beginning of the mail

is

> being

> > > threatened by this...thank you, Katrina

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

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> >

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