Newbie

[Guest guest]

OK, so I have never posted at a site like this, but after reading

some of your messages I had to write. I have spent my entire life

trying to live up to the expectations of my BPD mother. (My first

mistake right?) I have witnessed multiple suicide attempts and her

vomitting out just horrible words about people who are important to

me. Over the years (I am 38) she has used me, hurt me, and the

people I love, time and time again. My coping mechanism has been to

stuff all of my emotions inside me and pretend that nothing ever

bothers me. Most people would describe me as funny, and great to be

around. Lately though, I haven't felt very funny.

After years of my mother being seperated by distance she decided, on

one of her little whims, to move close to me. Less than 5 miles to

be exact. So here is where things have really come to a head for

me. I have a young daughter and a husband who I don't want to have

traumatized by mother. So my sister and I sat her down and gave her

a list of our expectations before she moved. She was pissed to say

the least, and has not contacted us since. (That was 2 months ago.)

Problem solved right? One would think so, but I am terrified about

when and where she will show up next. At some point, she will have

changed her reality and I wouldn't have really meant all of

those " horrible things " I said. (I'm sure you understand that

nothing I said was horrible. I just gave her my expectations of

what I would require from any friend or family member who I currently

have relationships with.)

I have gone back to counseling to work this new glitch out and to

learn to productively express my emotions. However after my first

session my counselor called my mother " toxic " and told me that I

would most benefit from cutting the ties. I agree with her, but I am

so scared and I feel horribly guilty. How does one go about doing

that? She told me that eventually it would put me in a much

healthier place, but I am really struggling with my own guilt. Help!!

[Guest guest]

Hi Ginger,

Welcome to this group! You're sure to find people here who know

exactly what you are going through and can share their own experiences

and insights with you.

That is definitely a disturbing situation you're in, I must say! You

put physical distance between you and your abusive mother, and she

then moved herself near you! No wonder you are feeling nervous and

upset: you are, in effect, being stalked by a mentally ill person.

Your bpd mom (we call them " nadas " for short) sounds very out of

control and very aggressive, both. Many kudos and congratulations to

you for recognizing the danger and for putting your family's safety first.

Working through the misplaced guilt is, to me, the most difficult

part. I know intellectually that my nada is mentally ill and

incapable of changing, that it has to be me doing the changing by

setting (even more) boundaries to protect myself. I realize

intellectually that even though she is capable of love on some level,

the repeated emotional and physical abuse has pretty much canceled the

love out of the picture, from my point of view. I'm trying to assuage

my guilt by making it clear that my nada will always have food and

shelter, and medical treatment when she needs it. She will not starve

in the streets, but I don't think I'll ever be able to trust her or

have a genuine emotional relationship with her again.

Its hard for me to tolerate being around her for more than a few

hours. It hurts to admit I don't love my own mother, not anymore.

So, it sounds to me like you have a lot of insight on your situation

and you understand that you need to take some kind of additional steps

to protect yourself from your " nada " just showing up and having access

to your kids and your husband.

I believe your therapist is correct (our nada was also labeled " toxic "

by my Sister's therapist, who is also treating nada)

so I would consult with him or her for help in dealing with your

misplaced guilty feelings, and even for ideas on what to do about

nada's proximity.

YOur therapist may recommend taking out a restraining order; sounds

good to me!

Good luck with this!

-Annie

>

> OK, so I have never posted at a site like this, but after reading

> some of your messages I had to write. I have spent my entire life

> trying to live up to the expectations of my BPD mother. (My first

> mistake right?) I have witnessed multiple suicide attempts and her

> vomitting out just horrible words about people who are important to

> me. Over the years (I am 38) she has used me, hurt me, and the

> people I love, time and time again. My coping mechanism has been to

> stuff all of my emotions inside me and pretend that nothing ever

> bothers me. Most people would describe me as funny, and great to be

> around. Lately though, I haven't felt very funny.

>

> After years of my mother being seperated by distance she decided, on

> one of her little whims, to move close to me. Less than 5 miles to

> be exact. So here is where things have really come to a head for

> me. I have a young daughter and a husband who I don't want to have

> traumatized by mother. So my sister and I sat her down and gave her

> a list of our expectations before she moved. She was pissed to say

> the least, and has not contacted us since. (That was 2 months ago.)

> Problem solved right? One would think so, but I am terrified about

> when and where she will show up next. At some point, she will have

> changed her reality and I wouldn't have really meant all of

> those " horrible things " I said. (I'm sure you understand that

> nothing I said was horrible. I just gave her my expectations of

> what I would require from any friend or family member who I currently

> have relationships with.)

>

> I have gone back to counseling to work this new glitch out and to

> learn to productively express my emotions. However after my first

> session my counselor called my mother " toxic " and told me that I

> would most benefit from cutting the ties. I agree with her, but I am

> so scared and I feel horribly guilty. How does one go about doing

> that? She told me that eventually it would put me in a much

> healthier place, but I am really struggling with my own guilt. Help!!

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for all of the response I got back! It is just

awesome to know that I am not totally alone out there.

Unfortunately, my NADA has tryed calling me twice tonight after 2

months of silence. I decided for now I am going to ignore her. I am

sooooo glad I already made it clear that she is not allowed at my

house unless she calls first. However, if she gets desperate enough,

I wouldn't put it past her to conveniently forget. Wouldn't be the

first time!

> > >

> > > OK, so I have never posted at a site like this, but after

reading

> > > some of your messages I had to write. I have spent my entire

> life

> > > trying to live up to the expectations of my BPD mother. (My

> first

> > > mistake right?) I have witnessed multiple suicide attempts and

> her

> > > vomitting out just horrible words about people who are

important

> to

> > > me. Over the years (I am 38) she has used me, hurt me, and the

> > > people I love, time and time again. My coping mechanism has

been

> to

> > > stuff all of my emotions inside me and pretend that nothing

ever

> > > bothers me. Most people would describe me as funny, and great

to

> be

> > > around. Lately though, I haven't felt very funny.

> > >

> > > After years of my mother being seperated by distance she

decided,

> on

> > > one of her little whims, to move close to me. Less than 5

miles

> to

> > > be exact. So here is where things have really come to a head

for

> > > me. I have a young daughter and a husband who I don't want to

> have

> > > traumatized by mother. So my sister and I sat her down and

gave

> her

> > > a list of our expectations before she moved. She was pissed to

> say

> > > the least, and has not contacted us since. (That was 2 months

> ago.)

> > > Problem solved right? One would think so, but I am terrified

> about

> > > when and where she will show up next. At some point, she will

> have

> > > changed her reality and I wouldn't have really meant all of

> > > those " horrible things " I said. (I'm sure you understand that

> > > nothing I said was horrible. I just gave her my expectations

of

> > > what I would require from any friend or family member who I

> currently

> > > have relationships with.)

> > >

> > > I have gone back to counseling to work this new glitch out and

to

> > > learn to productively express my emotions. However after my

> first

> > > session my counselor called my mother " toxic " and told me that

I

> > > would most benefit from cutting the ties. I agree with her,

but

> I am

> > > so scared and I feel horribly guilty. How does one go about

> doing

> > > that? She told me that eventually it would put me in a much

> > > healthier place, but I am really struggling with my own guilt.

> Help!!

> > >

> >

>