Re: the offer

September 29, 2008

For me, I would rather be homeless than go back to live in crazytown.

But everyone is different, only you can really answer that question.

Trust your gut, and you will never go wrong.

>

> So, this last weekend my parents came into town. My mother, who has

> BPD, made me an offer to move home after I graduate. In all honesty, I

> was considering it because my parents had been going to counseling (but

> stopped), and so I guess I am just hoping that it will be better. Well,

> I decided to talk to my sister knowing exactly what she was going to

> say...and she did. I just wanted to post this to see if anyone else had

> had this happen or something similar; and what the outcome was.

>

September 29, 2008

Well, the therapist actually believed that my nada did not have bpd,

so maybe that is a big sign that I should not move back. There is a

part of me that wants to probably because I want to believe she is

better; but the other part of me knows that she is not. I guess it's

just me believing my head over my heart.

> >

> > So, this last weekend my parents came into town. My mother, who

has

> > BPD, made me an offer to move home after I graduate. In all

honesty, I

> > was considering it because my parents had been going to

counseling (but

> > stopped), and so I guess I am just hoping that it will be better.

Well,

> > I decided to talk to my sister knowing exactly what she was going

to

> > say...and she did. I just wanted to post this to see if anyone

else had

> > had this happen or something similar; and what the outcome was.

> >

>

September 29, 2008

In my opinion, you don't need to have a black & white diagnosis of

BPD to help you make this decision. What you need to do is search

your heart and mind and ask yourself if you want to be that close to

your mother's behavior.

There doesn't have to be a " name " for it, nor do you have to justify

that you'd be more comfortable with other living arrangements. My

mom's never been diagnosed -- I don't even know if she is

technically a BPD. What I DO know, first and foremost, is that I'm

uncomfortable around her. Her emotional swings, her negativity, her

faultfinding with everyone, etc.

My mom quit going to counseling, too. She thinks she's fine.

Your mom quit going to counseling -- that is a red flag.

Ask yourself if you want to risk feeling " trapped " in her world

again. When you were a child, you were under her complete power.

Now, you are NOT subject to her direction. You are an adult, and

you need only consult your own feelings, your own comfort zone.

I know it would be hard to tell her, " I'm going to live in (fill in

the blank) for the time after I graduate. Thanks for the offer,

though. "

Beyond that, you don't have to justify or explain yourself. She

might be displeased at your choice, but it's your choice, and you

might as well learn that it's not your job to please her anymore.

You don't live for her anymore. You're graduating

(Congratulations!!!), it's time for YOU.

-Kyla

> > >

> > > So, this last weekend my parents came into town. My mother,

who

> has

> > > BPD, made me an offer to move home after I graduate. In all

> honesty, I

> > > was considering it because my parents had been going to

> counseling (but

> > > stopped), and so I guess I am just hoping that it will be

better.

> Well,

> > > I decided to talk to my sister knowing exactly what she was

going

> to

> > > say...and she did. I just wanted to post this to see if anyone

> else had

> > > had this happen or something similar; and what the outcome was.

> > >

> >

September 30, 2008

Yeah, I have to echo Kyla's post and add that you don't need a diagnosis to be

sure you're dealing with a BP. My nada has had several therapists over the last

40 years (she enjoys the attention, and the opportunity to complain about how

badly others treat her) but she's never been diagnosed, not once.

I don't know why so many therapists remain clueless about BP! I think the BPs

are just experts at fooling people into thinking they're normal. But that's for

another post.

I also wanted to add that, after my divorce, my nada talked me into moving in

with her. She spent months pretending to be the all-loving, all-supportive

Mother I had always dreamed of -- all of it just to get me to move into her

house. The weekI moved in, though, everything changed. She was immediately

back to being the exact same nada-witch she had been when I was growing up. (I

didn't know about BP at the time and was unprepared for this turn-around.)

If you decide to give it a try, I would very strongly recommend having a solid

Plan B in place -- another situation you can move into immediately if necessary.

That way, if you find your parents reverting to their old behavior, you won't

find yourself stranded! Just a thought. (BPs LOVE to get us stranded and

dependent on them, with no way out!!)

Best, Shana

Re: the offer

To: WTOAdultChildren1

> In my opinion, you don't need to have a black & white diagnosis

> of

> BPD to help you make this decision. What you need to do is

> search

> your heart and mind and ask yourself if you want to be that

> close to

> your mother's behavior.

>

> There doesn't have to be a " name " for it, nor do you have to

> justify

> that you'd be more comfortable with other living arrangements.

> My

> mom's never been diagnosed -- I don't even know if she is

> technically a BPD. What I DO know, first and foremost, is that

> I'm

> uncomfortable around her. Her emotional swings, her negativity,

> her

> faultfinding with everyone, etc.

>

> My mom quit going to counseling, too. She thinks she's fine.

>

> Your mom quit going to counseling -- that is a red flag.

>

> Ask yourself if you want to risk feeling " trapped " in her world

> again. When you were a child, you were under her complete power.

>

> Now, you are NOT subject to her direction. You are an adult,

> and

> you need only consult your own feelings, your own comfort zone.

>

> I know it would be hard to tell her, " I'm going to live in (fill

> in

> the blank) for the time after I graduate. Thanks for the offer,

> though. "

>

> Beyond that, you don't have to justify or explain yourself. She

> might be displeased at your choice, but it's your choice, and

> you

> might as well learn that it's not your job to please her

> anymore.

> You don't live for her anymore. You're graduating

> (Congratulations!!!), it's time for YOU.

>

> -Kyla

>

> > > >

> > > > So, this last weekend my parents came into town. My

> mother,

> who

> > has

> > > > BPD, made me an offer to move home after I graduate. In

> all

> > honesty, I

> > > > was considering it because my parents had been going to

> > counseling (but

> > > > stopped), and so I guess I am just hoping that it will be

> better.

> > Well,

> > > > I decided to talk to my sister knowing exactly what she

> was

> going

> > to

> > > > say...and she did. I just wanted to post this to see if

> anyone

> > else had

> > > > had this happen or something similar; and what the outcome was.

> > > >

> > >

September 30, 2008

I would say PLEASE DON " T DO IT... it is a trap if it is anything

like my experience. All was good for a while and gradually things

turned. slowing but surely until i was under her complete reign of

terror. this is just where she wanted me and and has done everything

and i mean everything (will stop at nothing) to insure that i am

stranded here and not able to escape again). if i could only turn

back the hands of time. mine is not diagnosed either..but she

doesn't have too... all i know is she makes life a living hell, and

the more invovled in her everyday life the worse it gets. RUN as

fast as you can.

> > > > >

> > > > > So, this last weekend my parents came into town. My

> > mother,

> > who

> > > has

> > > > > BPD, made me an offer to move home after I graduate. In

> > all

> > > honesty, I

> > > > > was considering it because my parents had been going to

> > > counseling (but

> > > > > stopped), and so I guess I am just hoping that it will be

> > better.

> > > Well,

> > > > > I decided to talk to my sister knowing exactly what she

> > was

> > going

> > > to

> > > > > say...and she did. I just wanted to post this to see if

> > anyone

> > > else had

> > > > > had this happen or something similar; and what the outcome

was.

> > > > >

> > > >

September 30, 2008