Re: Re: They really got a hold on me

[Guest guest]

, thank you so much for your reply. I guess I did always think it was

normal for one to " fake " there way through situations that they were not

comfortable in. I cannot think of any specific examples of my parents doing

this to me, but it does sound strikingly familiar. I guess also, watching TV

(which i know is TV, and is not real), and seeing shows such as Everyone loves

, Sopranos, and others, where the wife doesnt get along with the in-laws,

but still puts on the fake smile and acts as though all is normal, and this is

what i was asking of my wife. I guess i am just clueless on what the proper way

to handle this relationship is. I am trying to fix something, that i probably

dont have the power to fix myself.

I did like also, someone's suggestion that I only go for part of it. I am not

sure if we will do this, but I will definitly keep that in mind. If my wife

isnt comfortable with going, which right now i dont think she is, maybe this

would be an acceptable compromise, where even i could just go if neccessary.

Thanks all again for your help through this.

T

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, October 29, 2008 11:12:13 PM

Subject: Re: They really got a hold on me

Tony,

>>> I have been struggling once again, and have been struggling not

to write to you guys cause i feel like I lean on you guys too much,

and don't want to burden you all when you all have the same issues,

if not worse, then I do.

That's what this board is for, silly ;-) If you ever choose not to

write to the group, let it be because you have found a way to affirm

yourself, not because you feel guilty " burdening " us. That's

leftovers from dealing with the mess that is a parent with BPD.

It sounds like you are really making some improvements in your life.

I like the way you said YOU decided to resume contact with your

parents. That shows that you are able to think about what works for

YOU, and that you're not doing things out of guilt or obligation.

I can relate to the way you are thinking through all the " what if " s.

I used to do that, too. My therapist would say, " Well, you know what

to do. You don't need to worry about it. " I'll say the same to

you. You have been working hard this year to learn all you can about

defining and enforcing boundaries. You already know what to do. If

something were to happen that violates your boundaries, you know how

to stand up for yourself now. You don't need to spend any more

energy on anxiety about situations that might not occur. Just take

some time to remind yourself what those boundaries are, and how you

want to communicate them if the need arises.

Now, here's the part of your post I really want to talk to you about:

>>>> Part of me thinks, why can she not do this for me, try and

just " fake it " for my parents, so they can think everything is ok,

but then part of me thinks too, that they have really hurt us and why

should i expect this of her.

I know that you have already struggled a great deal with your

expectations for your wife's relationship with you and with your

parents. Let me reiterate that she, too, has a right to feel what

she feels and to set and enforce her own boundaries. You say that

part of you wants her to " fake " being happy--have you thought about

where that urge comes from? Did your parent(s) ever expect YOU to

deny your feelings, or to " fake " happiness so that everyone else in

the world would think everything was okay in your family? How did

that affect you and your feelings toward your parents? Do you really

want that legacy to continue in your marriage?

I think it is great that you are exploring a re-defined relationship

with your parents. It is a great opportunity for you to exercise all

the new skills you have been working on. If your wife is not ready

to enter into that yet, please respect that. You can start to spend

time with your parents while still allowing your wife to hang back a

bit. That is ok.

You don't need to worry about making excuses or what everyone is

going to think. You are an adult now, Tony, and you have your own

family. I think that truth and communication are vital here. There

is nothing wrong with saying, " Thank you for the invitation to

Thanksgiving, Mom. We [or, I] would really love to join you, but we

won't be able to stay all day. What time will you be serving

dinner? Would you like me to bring something? " (In fact, this is

the way healthy families communicate, believe it or not ;-)

While you are thinking about your boundaries for yourself, also think

about what your boundaries will be regarding your family's treatment

of your wife. Will you expect that your family speak to her (or

about her) with respect and kindness? Will you make it clear that

you will defend her if anyone tries to denigrade her? If you have

these boundaries established in your own mind before you go, you will

know exactly what to do.

It's like a fire drill. It's important to be educated about fire

safety and to have a plan in place to escape a burning building.

It's also important to practice. However, being prepared for fire is

not the same thing as being consumed with anxiety about fires all the

time.

Make your disaster plan, but don't worry about all those " what will

they think " things. Who cares what they think, as long as you are

true to yourself.

I wish you the best!