Unreasonable/Judgemental Double Standards

[Guest guest]

Ya'll please give me your advise/input here. My Nada as I have

mentioned thinks my best friend and her husband, and ME are so far

below her because we will ocassionally indulge in an adult beverage.

I never go out to clubs or date or anything like that. For the past

5 years i go to work, come home, take care of my children and do it

all over again. Maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks i will go to my

friends house (2 miles away) and we will sit around and talk and yes,

we will have a beer or two.

She got so pissed at me on Saturday, because I was cleaning out my

closet and did not want to go shopping with her. She went into a

rage, saying never ever ask me for help or anything again, you go ask

your 2 drunk friends...WTF??? i ignored her as usual.

Yesterday, i got home from work and my son said, Nana is so mad at

you. She found a couple of beers in the refridgerator. i said,

so?? its not like i am underage i am 43 years old and i if i want to

have a beer every once in a while so what. i by no means have

a " drinking problem " its not like she is some devout holy rolling

christian either. she just judges me like i am such a bad influence

on my children because i had a beer.

lets not forget, growing up, there was always the 2 containers,

beautiful displayed in the their crystal containers of bourben and

scotch, and she and her married sugar daddy had a night cap or 2 most

every evening.

so why is this so wrong for me. i worried about it all evening, just

like a teenager, caught doing something very wrong.

[Guest guest]

I think it's the old problem of nadas will find some reason we aren't

good enough and gripe about it until the world ends. My husband and I

still hide stuff in our house when my parents come visit. We used to

hide alcohol in the back of the closet even though we had some of it

so long that we gave up and threw it away. It was easier than hearing

nada gripe about how we had no standards, were alcoholics, etc. We

also hide rock CDs, movies we've checked out of the library that are

rated PG, etc. They just gripe about everything, but it made me feel

like I had no control over my decisions that I had to get my house

ready for nada like I was 19 years old. Nada actually counted the

pizza boxes in my brother's trash after they had a baby and told

everyone in the family about it.

As long as we're treated like children, nada still has some control I

guess.

le

>

> Ya'll please give me your advise/input here. My Nada as I have

> mentioned thinks my best friend and her husband, and ME are so far

> below her because we will ocassionally indulge in an adult beverage.

> I never go out to clubs or date or anything like that. For the past

> 5 years i go to work, come home, take care of my children and do it

> all over again. Maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks i will go to my

> friends house (2 miles away) and we will sit around and talk and yes,

> we will have a beer or two.

>

> She got so pissed at me on Saturday, because I was cleaning out my

> closet and did not want to go shopping with her. She went into a

> rage, saying never ever ask me for help or anything again, you go ask

> your 2 drunk friends...WTF??? i ignored her as usual.

>

> Yesterday, i got home from work and my son said, Nana is so mad at

> you. She found a couple of beers in the refridgerator. i said,

> so?? its not like i am underage i am 43 years old and i if i want to

> have a beer every once in a while so what. i by no means have

> a " drinking problem " its not like she is some devout holy rolling

> christian either. she just judges me like i am such a bad influence

> on my children because i had a beer.

>

> lets not forget, growing up, there was always the 2 containers,

> beautiful displayed in the their crystal containers of bourben and

> scotch, and she and her married sugar daddy had a night cap or 2 most

> every evening.

>

> so why is this so wrong for me. i worried about it all evening, just

> like a teenager, caught doing something very wrong.

>

[Guest guest]

Our problems with our mentally ill parents who continue to bully,

dominate and abuse us *will continue* until we stand up on our hind

legs and calmly but assertively say something like:

" Listen to me carefully. The next time you (mention that subject,

touch anything in my home without my permission, raise a hand to me or

my children, criticize or are rude to my spouse, do not respect my

decisions about myself and my family, etc., etc.,) you will be shown

the door and will never see or hear from me or my family again (or

" there will be no contact for a year " or whatever you prefer.)

Repeat back to me what I have just said, so that I know that you heard

me, understand the rule and agree to comply. Are we both clear on

this? Good. Now, would you like some tea? "

We will treat them civilly and humanely; we will not physically or

emotionally abuse them like they did to us BUT we will no longer allow

them any chance to hurt, denigrate, upset, bully, or use guilt on us

to manipulate our actions or our feelings, or hurt our families.

What *they* do to *us* is not done out of " love " . I truly believe

that people with personality disorders are incapable of generating the

emotion of love, because love is protective, sweet, kind, and above

all else, selfless. Love puts the other, the beloved, first.

BPDs (and other Cluster B personality disorders like narcissists,

sociopaths/psychopaths and histrionics who lack empathy and lack

remorse) have learned to mimic the appearance of loving acts, but the

acts are executed mechanically or with personal gain in mind. They

display what on the surface appear to be loving acts in order to get

something back from us: compliance, obediance, time, attention, money,

or for the purpose of looking good to the neighbors, etc.

That is not love, its manipulation.

In order to protect yourself, the only thing that works is taking a

hard line and sticking to it.

" I'm hanging up now, mom. You agreed to never mention miscarriage to

me again but you just did. I'm sad that you've chosen (no contact for

a year) but it was your decision. Goodbye. "

" It's time for you to leave, dad. You agreed to not touch anything in

my home without asking me, but you just did. Short visit, huh? You

can wait for the cab outside. I'm sad that you've chosen (no contact

for a year) but it was your decision. Goodbye. " "

" We're leaving now, mom. You agreed to be polite and respectful to my

spouse, but you were just now very rude to us. I'm sad that you've

chosen (never to see or speak to me again,) but it was your decision.

Goodbye. "

" Well, that's it then. You agreed to never again criticize my choice

to enjoy an occasional drink, but you just did. I'm sad that you've

chosen (no contact for a year) but it was your decision. Goodbye. "

" Back off. You agreed to never scream at or hit my child (my little

sister, my dog, etc.) but you just did. I am taking out a restraining

order against you, and if you ever attempt to contact me or my family

again I will have you arrested. I'm leaving, and I'm taking my child

(my little sister, my dog, etc.) with me. "

Of course, this only works if you are not for heaven's sake living

with your bpd parent(s), and if you are not financially dependent on

them. If you are, then get the hell out of there and support yourself

ASAP.

I apologize for being harsh today, but sometimes reality is harsh:

Be an adult: Grow a spine: get away from them, keep them at arm's

length at all times, and for heaven's sake don't allow them to

mistreat others who can't fight back.

-Annie

> >

> > Ya'll please give me your advise/input here. My Nada as I have

> > mentioned thinks my best friend and her husband, and ME are so far

> > below her because we will ocassionally indulge in an adult beverage.

> > I never go out to clubs or date or anything like that. For the past

> > 5 years i go to work, come home, take care of my children and do it

> > all over again. Maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks i will go to my

> > friends house (2 miles away) and we will sit around and talk and yes,

> > we will have a beer or two.

> >

> > She got so pissed at me on Saturday, because I was cleaning out my

> > closet and did not want to go shopping with her. She went into a

> > rage, saying never ever ask me for help or anything again, you go ask

> > your 2 drunk friends...WTF??? i ignored her as usual.

> >

> > Yesterday, i got home from work and my son said, Nana is so mad at

> > you. She found a couple of beers in the refridgerator. i said,

> > so?? its not like i am underage i am 43 years old and i if i want to

> > have a beer every once in a while so what. i by no means have

> > a " drinking problem " its not like she is some devout holy rolling

> > christian either. she just judges me like i am such a bad influence

> > on my children because i had a beer.

> >

> > lets not forget, growing up, there was always the 2 containers,

> > beautiful displayed in the their crystal containers of bourben and

> > scotch, and she and her married sugar daddy had a night cap or 2 most

> > every evening.

> >

> > so why is this so wrong for me. i worried about it all evening, just

> > like a teenager, caught doing something very wrong.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Annie -- You are right on the money, this works.

I am still in contact with Nada, she lives far away so visits are infrequent but

I use the

technique you described below.

ie: You agreed not to bring up my weight, so this conversation is over Bye.

I just want to point out that it doesn't have to be no contact for a year to

work.

I just simply end the conversation, or when she visits and crosses the boundary

I have

clearly marked I leave for a couple of hours, go to my room and read, mall,

library,

whatever.

There was one time that she went way over the line while visiting and I told her

if she

didn't cut it out she was not going to be welcome back in my home. She stopped

immeditately has not gone again.

> > >

> > > Ya'll please give me your advise/input here. My Nada as I have

> > > mentioned thinks my best friend and her husband, and ME are so far

> > > below her because we will ocassionally indulge in an adult beverage.

> > > I never go out to clubs or date or anything like that. For the past

> > > 5 years i go to work, come home, take care of my children and do it

> > > all over again. Maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks i will go to my

> > > friends house (2 miles away) and we will sit around and talk and yes,

> > > we will have a beer or two.

> > >

> > > She got so pissed at me on Saturday, because I was cleaning out my

> > > closet and did not want to go shopping with her. She went into a

> > > rage, saying never ever ask me for help or anything again, you go ask

> > > your 2 drunk friends...WTF??? i ignored her as usual.

> > >

> > > Yesterday, i got home from work and my son said, Nana is so mad at

> > > you. She found a couple of beers in the refridgerator. i said,

> > > so?? its not like i am underage i am 43 years old and i if i want to

> > > have a beer every once in a while so what. i by no means have

> > > a " drinking problem " its not like she is some devout holy rolling

> > > christian either. she just judges me like i am such a bad influence

> > > on my children because i had a beer.

> > >

> > > lets not forget, growing up, there was always the 2 containers,

> > > beautiful displayed in the their crystal containers of bourben and

> > > scotch, and she and her married sugar daddy had a night cap or 2 most

> > > every evening.

> > >

> > > so why is this so wrong for me. i worried about it all evening, just

> > > like a teenager, caught doing something very wrong.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Exactly! My examples were just that: samples of whatever rule and

whatever penalty seems to fit your own situation best and seems most

reasonable/workable to you.

Its the being direct, clear and unyielding with the nada or the fada

that is the key point: the setting of the rule that you then get them

to repeat back to you, like you would with a child, so that you are

both clear that the rule is understood and that there is a

clearly-defined penalty for violating it, also understood.

Before I got to the point I'm at now, there was a specific minor

situation with my nada that was aggravating the crap out of me. She

would repeatedly mention a certain physical flaw we both have, that is

unattractive. I was so tired of hearing about it, how sad it is that

we have it, etc. It isn't something I/we can do anything about, and it

was just hateful of nada to keep mentioning it every time I'd see her

when I'd specifically asked her not to.

Ghod.

So, I finally resorted to sarcasm. For some reason, that penetrated.

I said in a tone of awe, " You know, mom, you're right! We *are* just

truly butt-ugly people, and its a wonder that we are allowed to walk

around in public without paper bags over our heads! Wow, you're

absolutely right! "

She hasn't mentioned it since.

Another situation that I was forced to deal with more severely was

nada's tendency to become agitated and scream and even try to grab the

steering wheel when I would be driving her somewhere! That was effing

dangerous! I didn't want to die in a car accident caused by my effing

crazy mother! On the last occasion, as she began growing agitated and

began screaming at me to " Watch Out! " (she can't see well and believes

other cars are about to hit us) as I was driving, I had to pull over

and stop the car and scream in her face: " JUST STOP IT!!! I am a GOOD

DRIVER and I have NEVER been in or caused a car accident, UNLIKE YOU!!

If you can't control yourself you can get out of this car RIGHT NOW

and walk home, or call a cab, but you will NOT SCREAM AT ME and you

will NOT TRY TO GRAB THE STEERING WHEEL WHILE I AM DRIVING or I will

never drive you anywhere again!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!! "

Of course that resulted in a lot of boo-hooing and accusations that I

was mean and hateful and scary, and then a round of silent treatment.

But I did not back down. The next day, she acted as if nothing had

happened, but at least she didn't act up in the car again.

I learned after that incident that she had behaved badly when another

female relative offered to drive her someplace: critical, frightened

and agitated! Nada behaves angelically when a male is driving her, or

if there is a third person in the car (?!!) I can't get over how just

effing unbelievably crazy she is!!

Now that I have " evolved " I think I will use the rational, assertive

approach (rule with penalty) instead of sarcasm or yelling, as its

more a more mature and adult way to handle the problem.

-Annie

> > > >

> > > > Ya'll please give me your advise/input here. My Nada as I have

> > > > mentioned thinks my best friend and her husband, and ME are so

far

> > > > below her because we will ocassionally indulge in an adult

beverage.

> > > > I never go out to clubs or date or anything like that. For

the past

> > > > 5 years i go to work, come home, take care of my children and

do it

> > > > all over again. Maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks i will go to my

> > > > friends house (2 miles away) and we will sit around and talk

and yes,

> > > > we will have a beer or two.

> > > >

> > > > She got so pissed at me on Saturday, because I was cleaning

out my

> > > > closet and did not want to go shopping with her. She went into a

> > > > rage, saying never ever ask me for help or anything again, you

go ask

> > > > your 2 drunk friends...WTF??? i ignored her as usual.

> > > >

> > > > Yesterday, i got home from work and my son said, Nana is so

mad at

> > > > you. She found a couple of beers in the refridgerator. i said,

> > > > so?? its not like i am underage i am 43 years old and i if i

want to

> > > > have a beer every once in a while so what. i by no means have

> > > > a " drinking problem " its not like she is some devout holy

rolling

> > > > christian either. she just judges me like i am such a bad

influence

> > > > on my children because i had a beer.

> > > >

> > > > lets not forget, growing up, there was always the 2 containers,

> > > > beautiful displayed in the their crystal containers of bourben

and

> > > > scotch, and she and her married sugar daddy had a night cap or

2 most

> > > > every evening.

> > > >

> > > > so why is this so wrong for me. i worried about it all

evening, just

> > > > like a teenager, caught doing something very wrong.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>