41 years old and just realising my dad may have BPD.......advice needed please!

[Guest guest]

Please forgive my lack of familiarity with the abreviations used on

this message board...I joined today in the hope that I may discover

whether this could possibly be true-that only at 41 I discover that

my father could have BPD?

Embarassingly, I work as a psychotherapist, though I do not

specialise in BPD and the few BPD patients I have worked with

were " typical " self-harm'ers (cutting, burning, OD's) etc. so when my

lightbulb moment re-my father occurred a few days ago I started

doubting myself because I have never seen or known my dad to self-

harm and therefore thought " it can't be " .

In a nutshell, I live in another country from my parents-I left 17

years ago. As an only child, I felt I needed to grow and wanted my

independance-my father has always been very suffocating and

overprotective. Over the years, he has had the occasional temper

tantrums, triggered by events like not getting his own way, or

hearing that he has offended me or my mother (he can't cope with

knowing he has hurt us).....I concluded this week that he has a

fragile sense of self. I say " this week " because he has just spent

one week visiting me-we went away for a few days and when we got back

to our hotel room one night we were chatting and I said something to

the effect " you have said some mean things to me over the years " and

he flew off the handle, proceeded to tell me he never wants to see me

ever again, demanded his passport cause he wanted to fly home (he was

9 hours, and 3-flights away from home....this is all happening at

11PM) and he then proceeded to throw something on the floor,

clenching his fists to show me how angry he is and he began having an

actual tantrum, shouting (telling me he doesn't care if he wakes the

other hotel guests), etc. Now, over the years, my mother has told me

about his tantrums and as I had only witnessed 2 in the last few

years (both times they were visiting me) I never really appreciated

what she was saying. As I said, he was visiting me for a week, left

today, and had another tantrum this AM (he did not fly home the other

night....) though I did get myself another room in the hotel because

I did not feel safe being with him. My first issue is that I am

feeling mildly bad right now because when I dropped him off at the

airport, I could hardly face looking at him-I gave him his bags, said

have a nice flight and drove off. I am very angry with him because my

entire life he has put me down, put my friends down, put my mother

down (she has always had a weight problem and he feeds on that by

putting her down), and over the years he has walked out on my mother

a few times, again, out of anger, or out of wanting " something else " .

My father lives his life according to " the grass is greener " ; he

always wants what everyone else has, compares himself to others but

to make himself feel " adaquate " he puts everyone else down. He is

never content with what he has. He has poor emotional regulation

skills, and sulks when he does not get his way. He also has one set

of rules for himself, and another for us (if he walks a few paces in

front of us, it is fine-he doesn't care that we walk behind him even

though we are out as a family) but if I am walking a few paces ahead

(as I was today) he shouts, makes a scene and demands that I wait for

him. And then when I point out that he does the same, he flies off

the handle......this is when the penny dropped and I thought " this

seems more like B PD behaviour than depression)!!

I bought Stop Walking On Eggshells years ago, mainly for my clinical

practice, and when I picked it up today to flip through the sections

on your BPS parent, I was struck by how many of the examples describe

my father (putting others down so he can feel good about himself),

etc. He had been diagnosed with depression years ago and was on anti-

depressants. I don't know if he still takes them but he is miserable

ALL THE TIME, complains about everything, is very dichotomous in his

thinking and my biggest concern right now is that my mother was

diagnosed with diabetes a few months ago, she is still overweight (66

years old), unfit, and I really realised this past week that my

fatyher is a BULLY, and my mother just takes it. When I told her how

difficult he was (we spoke on the phone a lot while he was here) she

told me that she just puts up with it because she is " too old " to

argue with him, although she said she does scream back at him at

times. As a therapist I realise that a person cannot make you feel

inferior without your consent but I think we all know that when the

the BPD puts you down so consistently and regularly, they do start

having you believe you are NOTHING. My mother should have left him

years ago, and when I told her that she said " how do I know that

someone else wouldn't treat me ths same way " . I tried to explain to

her that she deserves to be with someone who respects her and that my

father does not respect her and treats her like crap (which she

admits). Another concern is that my mother to's and fro's from

agreeing with me by saying " I told you so " -she spent at least 15

years of my adult life telling me what an ass he is to her, but then

she tends to protect him by saying " that's what happens when you

haven't lived with someone in so long " . I tried to explain to her

that this is not about him leaving wet towels on the floor and that

it bothers me cause I not used to living with him-I said he has

tantrums that are not acceptable!.

From reading some of the other postings I can relate to this issue of

other family members thinking he is just wonderful, such a nice,

generous guy, etc. Nobody sees the unstable side to him except me and

my mother. Though I have heard him in the past shout at the " girls "

who work for him.

I suppose I am posting this for three reasons: 1) to ask whether a

person can be BPD without the self-harm and 2) how do I help my

mother and 3) deal with my own guilt of not even hugging him when I

dropped him off at the airport? I have no desire to see him again-

that's how angry I am. I trained in cognitive behavioural therapy and

I am aware that if I see him again or speak to him, etc. he will

interpret this as " your behaviour is ok/acceptable " .

My tolerance for his " crap " is less than my mother's and as she says,

it is because she has to live with him. I am most upset at that face.

My anger towards him this week has been so strong I cannot tell you

how many " fantasies " I had about punching him in his head (I am NOT a

violent person....these were fantasies) because I hold him partially

responsible for my mother's weight problem (she has coped with his

awful behaviour by comfort eating and her health is

deteriorating ...high blood pressure, high cholesterol and diabetes).

My father is impossible yet I do not live with them or in the same

city (we are oceans apart) and I had not seen my father in over a

year. My mother was here in May and I am trying to get her to come

back in October-November. I miss her terribly and if it weren't for

him I may visit her more but I can't stand going home.

I have left a lot out but he is controlling-he has always controlled

me with money....he'll pay for me to fly home and see them but if I

want to go anywhere else on holiday/short break, he'd never offer to

pay (and I never ask). The point is...he wants me to move back home

and only " gives " as a way of manipulating me to move home (in his

opinion my living away reflects badly on him). He manipulates and

controls in a lot of other ways too-with guilt, etc.

He cried today on the way to the airport-I just ignored him-I could

not empathise. Being on the end of his tantrums makes it very

difficult to empathise. He also cried the other night in the hotel

room.

Little does he know he is the reason I moved so far away. He is also

very obsessional, and his mother apparently had bipolar disorder.

He has said things like " what is wrong with you " and " who would want

you " throughout my entire life-that is his " humor " . He puts people

down to make himself feel good.

All I know is that I am successful in spite of/despite him; not

thanks to him. He has helped out financially, and I won't discredit

him for that but he thinks that giving someone money is " love " . He

has also said to my mother on so many occasions " what is wrong with

you " ?? and she has low self-esteem-she may have had low self-esteem

when they met and just preyed on that, I don't know. I feel so awful

for her and can't believe she has stayed married to such an ass!. It

is my belief that she does not think she deserves better or can meet

anyone better.

Any support would be much appreciated. I feel alone right now because

I have not spoken to any of my friends about his visit-I don't want

to disclose too much.

Thanks, and best wishes....